Why you don't get published.
Monday, September 18, 2006
New Beginning 118
The yellow sliver of light was both beacon and warning in the dark freight yard. Any fool could tell which boxcar held the crates, and guess at the ambush within. They couldn’t know it was only two men – a young Mountie and a surly railroad policeman – but mobsters smart enough to get the guns as far as Winnipeg weren’t likely to chance it. They’d slip away and bide their time.
From his cattle car one track over, Tom heard a muffled thud, then a deep rasp that shivered along the trains. Whatever was going on in there, it wasn’t in the plan. Could he, the rank-less outsider from Illinois, order them to silence? While he hesitated, the boxcar’s door slid jerkily open, spilling light onto the coarse gravel. The railroad policeman wriggled into view, tied and gagged. Behind him sprawled the Mountie, hatless, with a trickle of something dark down his cheek.
Tom blushed. "Whoops! Sorry, fellas," he said, struggling to close the door and give them back their privacy. Forget the noise they were making. It would take a braver man than this rank-less Illinois outsider to interrupt a Royal Canadian Mountie with that gleam in his eye.
Opening: J.E. Barnard.....Continuation: December Quinn
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13 comments:
Interesting situation, a nice start - gun-running mobsters, mounties and trains.
This sentence is redundant and spoils the surprise in the next paragraph:
"They couldn’t know it was only two men – a young Mountie and a surly railroad policeman"
Don't tell the reader what "they" couldn't know. That spoils ths fun. "They say" that falling in love is wonderful but for the character, "embracing the girl of his dreams and kissing her passionately" is much more fun.
What weren't mobsters likely to chance? Opening the RR car? stealing the guns? Interupting the whatever going on in the RR Car.
"Could he, the rank-less outsider from Illinois, order them to silence?" This language is jarring and redundant. An outsider always is the lowest rank. He's always stuck in the subordinate position. So he cautiously opens the door or he dares to open the door and hope that he can order them to behave.
Okay, I'm Canadian but that continuation cracked me up.
That continuation was the most brilliant thing I've ever read in my entire life.
I can use hyperbole if I want to.
The continuation cracked me up BECAUSE I'm Canadian. Gotta love them Mounties.
The continuation must be post "Fruit Machine!"
I think this opening is very well done. It took me a moment to tell who the narrator was, but by the end of the second paragraph I was right there with you and ready to be taken on the ride.
My only suggestion is to swap the first and second sentences. (You'd need to fix up the third sentence accordingly, but I like the "Any fool..." start better than the weak-verbed first sentence.)
Nicely done! (With of course a nod of reverence to DQ for the continuation.)
dave had some excellent comments, IMO. I would add taking out the first paragraph completely. I think starting with the second paragraph would make it a stronger start because it pulls the reader in more effectively than the first paragraph did. Good work, author!
The continuation was hilarious!
NB
Wow, thanks everyone! *blush*
I really liked this opening, but I agree with Dave there were a couple of sentences that felt a little off, like the "Could he, the rankless...?" Maybe change that to something about how he's rankless, and from out of town, so he's nervous and unsure if he can say something? Like, "He needed to tell them to be quiet. He could only hope they would treat him with respect and not as the rankless outsider he was." Which stinks, but you know what I mean.
(And I think Mounties are HOT. So no disprespect meant, Canadians!)
I like this - the only word that really threw me was "rankless." other than that you get us right into the action - good job.
ACD is the only one so far who's written something of which I want to read more.
Of course we already know the plot for this novel and if I recall correctly, I didn't want to read more after the query already. I just don't really care. The writing is competent, though.
I didn't quite understand this set-up (she says, blushing at her ignorance).
The narrator is a rankless outsider. He knows about the Mountie and the railroad policeman, so possibly he's on their side.
They're hiding inside a rail car.
This much I'm sure of.
Then, there are crates in the boxcar. They have guns in them that mobsters smuggled as far as Winnipeg.
There's a set-up/ambush in the boxcar-where the mountie and the policeman are waiting for somebody.
But who? The mobsters who are coming back for the guns? That seems wrong, the mobsters would be protecting the guns. How would the mountie and the police get in to a car with smuggled guns to set up this ambush?
Other thoughts/immediate reactions: Ambush is a word that connotes deceit, not something used by the good guys.
It's rather lacking in atmosphere. There's a yellow sliver of light (very painterly), but then that it followed by a tough guy voice. And no sensory detail (other than the coarse gravel, which connect to absolutely nothing). And "rankless" is an odd word.
All in all, I'm not wanting to spend my time reading on.
Good luck.
I didn't like the 'rank-less outsider' sentence, but the rest read fine. Loved the continuation! Naughty DQ.
Very naughty, DQ! Were you thinking 'The Mounties ALWAYS get their man'?
Thanks, all, for the comments. I'll be adjusting the first paragraph, eliminating 'rankless' and shoe-horning Tom's p.o.v in earlier somehow.
I too found this (my) opening lacking atmosphere, but paring it down to the bare essentials was an excellent exercise in getting to the action quickly. In the earlier version, the boxcar door didn't open until the bottom of page 2; the current version has about 50 more words than the posted opening (so, door opens on page 1, but near the bottom), all filling in the atmosphere and setting.
Thanks again, to Evil Editor and all the Minions.
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