Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Face-Lift 193


Guess the Plot

The Last Remaining Light

1. Huddled around the last, dim, electric bulb as the power slowly fades away, the townspeople of Kennebunk, Maine realize that maybe renewable energy would have been a good idea back in the 80s.

2. Orphan Caroline Light has to defeat erotic vampires, a school yard bully, and two handsome but disdainful wizards, in order to claim her inheritance.

3. Shipwrecked in the desert, Paula is befriended by an unusually intelligent camel who guides her to a land swarming with zombies.

4. In this intense psychological thriller, Tilly Fluppy is confused. Should she light her last remaining match and smoke her first cigarette? Or should she just forget smoking and save that match for the gasoline-soaked bodies of her schoolmates?

5. Marooned on a deserted island with only the contents of the duty free trolley for sustenance, the group from Nicotine Anonymous eye each other warily. Who will triumph and get his hands on that one last match?

6. Lotty Pearl thought seven hundred candles would make her bedroom look more romantic. When the fire blew out the last transformer, her house cast a romantic light over the whole town.


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Paula wakes up in the middle of the desert without food or water and her only memory is of the tragic shipwreck that dumped her ashore. [They say desert shipwrecks are the worst kind.] She is immediately befriended by an unusually intelligent camel, [From what I've heard, that's an oxymoron. By which I mean camels are morons.] [Any camel that knows which end the food goes in and which end it comes out is an unusually intelligent camel.] and with his guidance she sets off to find civilization. A blistering journey across the desert places her in a foreign land hostile to both her country and gender; using her plain looks and foreign stature to her advantage, she disguises herself as a teenage male.

Taking up work as a contract mercenary, [You're lost, hungry, sunburned, and penniless. Solution: become a contract mercenary?] [See, minions, even mercenaries have to sign contracts, so get those book contracts in.] Paula discovers that all is not well in the land. The undead [Also known as the alive.] walk freely in certain, ever expanding unholy plots and a vault full of secret, dangerous artifacts turns up missing. [If the book has zombies, can we not call them zombies? Do you know how long the minions have to wait between zombie books? Only to have you call them "the undead?"] [Calling zombies "the undead" is like calling werewolves "the unbald."] Paula's proximity to the crime places her under the local Sheik's suspicion, but when a Djinn offers to sell her a magic amulet that matches a ring and dagger she found, she knows that someone has singled her out. [I don't see the connection between what comes before the "but" and what comes after it.] [Just because you were in the proximity doesn't mean you could have carried off a four-ton vault. And if you did carry it off, you wouldn't be in the proximity anymore.]

But why? Together with a politically estranged caravan guard and two old friends, [Old friends? From her past? What are they doing here?] Paula sets off to follow a series of clues embedded into the amulet, ring and dagger, all the while filling in the gaps in her memory. Her two friends, one a pirate and the other a musketeer, inform her that she is an orphan, for instance, but they offer no explanation as to why she can speak every language she encounters, instantly. [They never explain how everyone can speak English on Star Trek, either.] Or why she is the only one who can truly kill the undead things lurking throughout the land.

Paula's adventure climaxes in an ancient temple, under which lies a giant crystal maze. [I never saw the Lara Croft movies. This isn't the plot to one of those, is it?] At the apex of the maze, she discovers a vital clue to her past, unveiling her as nothing less than the daughter of an ancient goddess of war--the magical artifacts she'd found were drawn to her, to be used in a glorious resurrection. [No goddess would let her daughter be friends with a pirate.]

But when the Djinn appears, wielding the stolen artifacts, he offers Paula an ultimatum. Become a mortal vessel for his dark god, or die…[I'm guessing she finds a third option.] [Is she mortal? She's the daughter of an ancient goddess. How long has she been around?]

This novel, The Last Remaining Light, is complete at 100,000 words. Thank you for your time.

Sincerely Yours,


Notes

Well, it's all plot, and while a lot of plot isn't always a bad thing, this sounds crazier than it probably is (assuming it exists--it sounds wacky enough to be a gag). I'd cut out the camel and the mercenary job, and redo the plot description concentrating on the artifacts.

I can't tell whether it's fantasy (magic amulet), adventure (pirate), horror (zombies), children's (talking camel), mystery (embedded clues) or inspirational (glorious resurrection). Agents and editors want to know whom you see as your audience. Possibly everyone. But in trying to appeal to everyone, you may clutter the book with junk that doesn't work.

25 comments:

Novelust said...

I get it. A sort of Twelfth Night meets Laybrinth meets Aladdin meets Diablo thing. *blink*

Although I have to take issue with you on the zombie thing, EE. A zombie is slow-moving and pretty much vacant. If these are fast undead (meets 28 Days Later!), then they are not, strictly speaking, zombies. But I do agree that we should hear about what kind of undead she's fighting.

Beth said...

Tsk, EE. The undead are not limited to zombies. They could be ghouls and liches and vampires (oh my!)

HawkOwl said...

I'd guess it's a children's book. It sounds like it could be completely fabulous, but most likely isn't. The query doesn't inspire confidence. However, if I were an agent, I'd read the first couple pages and see if it's sensical and well-written.

Anonymous said...

The daughter of an ancient goddess, you say - perhaps Paula is the long lost Queen of the Amazons or the ancients who built Atlantis and then sunk into the sea?

Is her last name Jones? She seems to have the staying power of a Paula Jones.

I think there are too many plot twists and elements.

Anonymous said...

Sensical?

The irony kills me.

Dan Lewis said...

Don't forget wights and wraiths.

Anonymous said...

Calling zombies "the undead" is like calling werewolves "the unbald."

EE, I nearly choked to death laughing after I read that line. Nicely done.

Author, your love of sparkly-awesome plot ideas seems to be getting in the way of you putting together a coherent and believable plot. I see a list of events in this query, but I don't see how they could possibly lead from one to the next in a logical fashion. In fact, the sheer density of cliched or desperately unlikely events makes me think I'd never be able to suspend my sense of disbelief while reading this book.

I hope the book itself makes more sense than is implied here, because your query makes it sound like seven kinds of crazy.

I'd recommend really thinking out cause and effect for all the major plot points in your novel, and then rewriting the query to stress how one thing leads to another. Currently, I can't follow what's going on.

I'm mostly just boggling at what I do understand. Is this a joke?

Anonymous said...

Heheh.

That was my query. I'm famous now.

This version is really, really dated now. Six versions later, I define the plot and leave all the weird details out, and it reads like a semi-coherent fantasy query.

Whoever guessed that its a children's book--ZING! =)

Thanks for taking to time to read my query,

Evil Minion 213.34

Wonderwood said...

Wow, makes my story sound dull and lacking. I don't have a single unusually intelligent animal of any sort in my book. Much less a camel. I do have a dog in there, and he's pretty smart, but to my knowledge his intelligence has never been measured against others of his breed. Nor do I have any "undead" characters, although I do allude to the possibility of a ghost. No magic jewels. No wizards. Sheesh. Scrap another manuscript. Wait! I do have mention of a pirate, and there is buried treasure! *whew*

Anonymous said...

Dear Author,

This story requires imagination, and you have it, along with determination. One thing I've heard published authors say over-and-over is to not let others critique you out of your story. Don't remove the edges, which include something as imaginative as a magic camel.

Evil Editor is right in that you need to make your query letter emphasize your imagination and the characters in this story and then reapproach the query. Repost, please.

It's a charming idea that needs to be promoted better in the query.

Anonymous said...

I assumed at the top of the query that Paula was from our world, and became increasingly puzzled with the plot summary until I finally realized that she (probably) wasn't. You might want to address this somehow--or maybe I'm the only one who was confused by it.

Anonymous said...

All I'd really like to know is what, if any, connection there is between the story and its title - I can't parse that out of the query at all.

none said...

Yes, but what happens to the camel?

Anonymous said...

Tilly Fluppy. Another great name for a character. I was hoping it was #4 for that reason alone. -JTC

Anonymous said...

213.34: Will you post the final revised query in the comments?

writtenwyrdd said...

I agree with hawkowl, it sounds like it could be completely fabulous, but probably isn't. (Well said!)

One problem, as EE points out, is that the elements describe about every genre out there. This gives me the sense of Terry Pratchett's wacky comedic books about Discworld. If that's what you are aiming for, author, go for it. But if you aren't aiming for comedy, perhaps consider whether the elements you have in mind actually bring something to the quest for her memories and the 'glorious resurrection'.

BTW, "glorious resurrection" - Ech. Perhaps a new term?

Anonymous said...

Everyone speaks english on StarTrek because of the "universal translator" technology we got from the vulcans. It's awesome, and it's been explained away many times. Now, why folks still beam down wearing red shirts -- that is a mystery no one has cornered an answer for.

Mazement said...

Re: Plot #4. There's a variation on this dilemma at the end of the movie "Heathers". The solution is to light the schoolmates with the match and then light the cigarette with the schoolmates.

Most of the undead you find in the desert are mummies. Zombies tend to be more coastal.

One plot suggestion: Instead of a pirate and a musketeer, how about a pirate and a ninja? (Pirates and ninjas are natural enemies, so they could bicker all the way through the book and then realize they've become friends at the end. Like Legolas and Gimli.)

braun said...

1) I kinda like it. I mean, I'm a sucker for the "waking up in a magical land" form of children's fiction, so that's not surprising.

2) It probably doesn't matter, but you should be aware that there is an Audioslave song with this same title. It's not likely to matter, but you should at least be prepared to field questions as to whether or not you're a Tom Morello fan. Whether or not you listen to that type of music, they're kind of a big deal.

HawkOwl said...

Why couldn't you just light the corpses and then use the same match to light the cigarette? Or vice-versa?

Anonymous said...

Tsk, tsk, such a lack of PC-ness. The term is "pulse challenged," people!

Anonymous said...

"Paula wakes up in the middle of the desert without food or water and her only memory is of the tragic shipwreck that dumped her ashore. [They say desert shipwrecks are the worst kind.]"

Snorkle!

I'm reminded of Buffy, season whatever it was with the weird goddess meets a video game ...

Verification word: trucceuu -- the truce between the camel & the sheik ...?

Anonymous said...

Why couldn't you just light the corpses and then use the same match to light the cigarette? Or vice-versa?

Way too little challenge in that; you see, the classmates weren't corpses when they were lit on fire. They were chattering gasoline-drenched teenagers. The trick was to let the explosion light the cigarette.

Great movie, if your sense of humour is twisted enough.

Anonymous said...

You know what this story is missing? A shark.

Anonymous said...

To me, it sounds suspiciously like parts of Final Fantasy X.

-derringdo.