Why you don't get published.
Thursday, September 28, 2006
New Beginning 129
Graham Maeda, homicide detective, first grade, already regretted that his partner caught the call that sent them to Lockerbie Square. He hated Lockerbie Square. It was part of the downtown Indianapolis revitalization project, sending all sorts--moody artistic types, pretentious liberals, and, to be politically correct, those of an alternate lifestyle--buying up old homes and rehabilitating them.
"How bad do you think it'll be?" Cantrel asked.
"Bad enough. Someone's dead."
"But you said the vic had multiple stab wounds."
"Let's wait and see the scene first." Maeda hoped that would quell his partner's incessant need to chatter. To say Cantrel was anxious may be an understatement: he'd only recently transferred to homicide and, after being carried for a few cases, this was only his second as primary. Maeda stared out the window, marshaling his thoughts.
Cantrel glanced at his notebook. "He was some kind of artist."
"Sculptor."
"Pretty successful, by all accounts. They found him in the bedroom."
"Living room." Maeda signalled and steered the car left across a line of traffic.
"Well, it was a frenzied attack. Stabbed to death with a carving knife and then beaten with a blunt instrument."
"Fruit knife." Maeda's knuckles whitened as he gripped the wheel. "And a skillet."
"He'd just moved in. Apparently he outbid the next buyer by more than ten thousand dollars."
"Twelve thousand, four hundred. Cash. The bastard." Maeda stared at the road ahead as Cantrel fell silent.
Opening: MB.....Continuation: ril
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26 comments:
Another great continuation. You folks are on a roll.
I would like to see a lot more hard-boiled detective/private eye stuff out there. I hope that is where this one is going.
I would read more. -JTC
I thought this was well-written but I'm a teensy bit tired of detectives who have it in for liberals. A soy-milk swilling, garden burger chomping vegetarian detective who's also a card-carrying member of the Green Party and the ACLU would make a welcome change - or do we have no confidence that such a person has what it takes to confront the bad guy?
Anyhoo - To say Cantrel was anxious may be an understatement:
I was wondering if that shouldn't be "might" instead of "may."
(EE -the word verification thing doesn't seem to be working - don't know what, if anything, you can do about that but thought I'd let you know.)
The continuation! That was amazing.
I liked the beginning too. I'd read more.
Heh -- word verification -- vvjvq! Sounds like a bad sci-fi name. Just add a few apostrophes and you're set. vv'j'vq maybe?
Wow, the first grade has its own homicide detectives? I don't think my school had them until fifth grade.
Seriously, pretty good opening. A little too much passive voice, though. E.g., "It was part of the downtown revitalization project..." Instead, perhaps, "That part of the downtown revitalization project overflowed with pretentious liberals, moody artistic pricks...." Also, the "to be politically correct" felt a bit klunky inserted there, but I think it's a great indicator of Maeda's character and his own internal editorialization. OK, maybe that's really the only passive section that bugged me.
Tense change in "To say Cantrell was anxious may be an understatement...."
The rest is pretty good, I think. A lot of characterization, good flow, some dialog to get us to hear the characters, tension between the characters and a murder right off the bat, in a revitalization neighborhood. And nothing confusing about it. Very efficient opening, all in all, and competently written.
Cantrell the rookie caught the call on a homicide. Maeda the seasoned vet gets to play second fiddle to the rookie.
Cantrel says "how bad" and Maeda replies "dead is bad enough" - a reproach from a crusty detective (am I reading too much into that?)
Then Cantrel says "but you said..."
Now that's a puzzle. Cantrel caught the call. Why does he ask Maeda the details? BTW - Maeda's reply is OK.
Another suggestion: why not put the lockerbie square stuff after you describe Cantrel's history?
You might try more dialog between them men revealing that one hates Lockerbie Square and the other is a mass of chattering nerves.
rfd
Maybe it's because I write for kids, but "first grade" in the first sentence made me think we had a six-year-old detective. Yes, I did figure it out quickly, but did anyone else have this problem?
Maybe I'm just stupid, but when the first author said, "homicide detective, first grade," I was thinking, like, a six year old. Maybe want to make this a little more clear for us morons out here.
The original lost me at "homicide detective", but the continuation was funny.
As far as the writing, I think the first sentence should read "his partner had caught the call," the second sentence seemed to make no sense at all, and the dialogue didn't sound life-like. Then "may be an understatement" should probably be "would have been an understatement" or something otherwise non-present-tense. That's two verb tense issues in eight sentences. And I didn't care about the backstory as to why Cantrel is anxious.
I wouldn't ask for more of this. It needs more editing before it's ready to shop.
[quote]Graham Maeda, homicide detective, first grade[/quote]
For most of the read, I was thinking this was a book for children (because of the "first grade"), and nothing was making sense.
[quote]It was part of the downtown Indianapolis revitalization project, sending all sorts--moody artistic types, pretentious liberals, and, to be politically correct, those of an alternate lifestyle--buying up old homes and rehabilitating them.[/quote]
Well, if your goal was to make me hate the MC, you just succeeded beyond your wildest dreams.
The last paragraph that you gave was way too much telling. Everything except the first line was extraneous.
-ril, cute continuation. subtle, yet humorous.
Author,
I liked this.
some nitpicks (of course). Don't need "already" in the first sentence.
Dialogue--The content is fine, but I'm lost--at first I thought it was a simple conversation back and forth-- Cantrel (the partner, I presumed), Maeda, Cantrel, Maeda. But it has Cantrel saying that Maeda said the "vic had multiple stab wounds." How would Maeda be the one if Cantrel caught the phone call?
Verb tense. "let's wait & see" present. Maeda hoped-past. To say Cantrel was anxious may be-pressent (I think). He'd only ...transferred ...past (or something like it). Maeda stared-past. I'm not a grammarian (obviously), but these verbs, especially the "may be" made me aware of the writing and pulled me out of the story.
But basically, I liked this opening. I'm guessing this is detective fiction/murder mystery. I agree with the commenters, though, that it would be nice to have a detective who likes the reviatlization effort, thinks green, etc. (I'm pretty sure I've read at least one detective like that.) Still, I'd read on.
If it's got zombies, though, I'm outta here (but others will flock to you).
That isn't passive voice. We've discussed this before.
Here we go again for those who weren't paying attention.
The dog ate the ball--active voice
The ball was eaten by the dog--passive voice.
Quit being part of the problem of spreading ignorance and become part of the solution, capice?
A SENTENCE IS NOT PASSIVE VOICE JUST BECAUSE IT HAS THE WORD WAS IN IT.
Buffy, I consider myself duly slapped. The was I called out was in fact a linking verb, not passive voice.
The sky was blue. The Dog was brown. The tree was over the dog. The revitalization project was downtown.
You're right. Not passive voice at all, technically. Just boring, lifeless, dreck. I'm glad you're championing education on the distinction between the two. It's terribly, terribly important. Someone's got to do it, and I'm glad you've got the time and expertise to make it your own personal crusade.
buzz, buzz
You're welcome :).
anon 1:41 said Maybe it's because I write for kids, but "first grade" in the first sentence made me think we had a six-year-old detective.
Me, too. Then when it to the part about pretentious liberals, I was impressed with how smart this kid was. [g]
Yes, I also had a brief kindergarten flashback with the words 'first grade'.
The writing was fine to me, but I wasn't convinced by Cantrel asking 'how bad' it would be. It seemed a strange question for a homicide detective, even a new one, and that made the whole discussion unnatural to me.
This one thinks that veering off in the first paragraph to talk about a setting that characters have not even reached yet is a bit of a bad idea.
This one would also like some indication of what makes this different to the usual murder mystery/dective story but realises that 150 words is not really room to do that. But a little hint maybe?
(And squirrel dear, I have been told there is nothing passive about a ball being eaten by a dog, however you word it, and do you need a demonstration?).
I don't read detective novels, so this may just be my ignorance, but "vic" instead of "victim" seemed really bizarre. Do people use this term?
Xenith darling, how nice to see you coming out of lurkdom :).
See, I didn't make up these technical terms; I would just like people, especially writers, to use them correctly. It's safer than arguing with the 'Meat is Murder' folk.
(On The Bill they use 'vic'. But then that's television.)
"vic" instead of "victim"...You don't watch CSI, do you? Seriously, it's television jargon. I cannot say if it is actual police jargon, as I haven't worked investigations. But in my limited experience working in law enforcement years ago, I never heard the term.
"First grade" also confused me. I really liked the dialog, characterizations, and I particularly liked Maeda's sarcasm. However, I just couldn't buy the concept of a rookie detective taking lead. The world of law enforcement runs on seniority. I cannot imagine a situation where the rookie gets to lead.
anonyme (12:08), A detective like you say you would like to see might catch the bad guy, but she would let him go because, after all, it's society's fault he's like that, not his. Besides, prison is cruel and a violation of his civil rights (of which the victim has none). Oh, yeah. She would have to sneak up on the perp in order to use her tazer as she believes guns kill people. -JTC
Oops, I don't even have a TV. And if I did, I wouldn't watch CSI. But if the term is "out there", why not use it. All of tomorrow's policemen and women are growing up watching CSI, and they will probably all say vic. :)
Law & Order said "vic" long before CSI. In fact when I was volunteering at the SPCA in 1997, we nicknamed a pair of guinea pigs "Vic" and "Perp". So it's hardly new.
I had the same "first grade" problem.
I never said the author shouldn't use "vic" or that LEOs never use the term, just that I hadn't personally heard it a long time ago when I worked in the field. As a nation we are influenced by television, so you would probably hear "vic" used now even if television made the term up.
'Disorganized' must be my word for the day. As a first step, get clear who is talking, and who knows what.
This time, 'disorganized' would be followed by 'stereotype' (for the hard-boiled, hippy-hating detective and the seedy surroundings).
This is a generic opening, with no reason I can see for the reader to feel engaged with the characters, the setting, or the body. What can you add in that would make this police call, or at least one of these people, interesting enough to keep the reader going for another half-page?
(goynyw: going now... what I said I'd do ten minutes ago)
To say Cantrel was anxious may be an understatement:
The grammatically correct phrasing would be: "To say Cantrel was anxious was to make an understatement" or "To say Cantrel was anxious was to understate the case" -- something that uses the infinitive in a parallel manner.
I can't see this detective using language with that much care, though, so you probably shouldn't worry about it.
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