Why you don't get published.
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
New Beginning 128
The alarmed terrorists stood and turned. It was the last thing they ever did. Debbie put a bullet in the back of each of their skulls with precision and speed that shocked the Douglas brothers almost as much as the act itself. She turned to the men and smiled diabolically at them as they gaped. The hope that they had just been rescued sank like an anchor.
Debbie strode over to Otis and sat on his lap facing him. She was still smiling as she looked into his eyes and asked if he had ever gotten paid twice for one job. Then she threw her head back and laughed hysterically at her own joke.
"Bitch!" Mark spit in her face just before she back-handed him across the cheek with her weapon. Blood from the cut mingled with the rest of the blood on his face, renewing the drip onto his lap.
Otis sighed. This was the absolute last time he would let the Douglas brothers drag him to a strip joint. It was the second-worst lap dance of his life.
Opening: Anonymous.....Continuation: Kate Thornton
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20 comments:
Second worst? rofl
This beginning is OTT. POV is unclear. It seems to be Debbie at first, but then I'm not so sure. And she's sitting in Otis's lap, but Mark spits in her face?
I feel like I've walked into the middle of a B movie.
This is a joke, right?
Completely confused about who is who and where they all are physically in relation to each other.
Laughed, however, that the seductive, ferocious female is named Debbie.
La Femme Debbie...
Kate Thornton, perhaps you should hire out as the continuation mistress! Perfect.
Writer,
I didn't like the writing on this. You start at a great point in your story, with a seeming "rescue" that turns out to be worse than the original situation.
You lose the power and impact by using a POV that doesn't pull the reader in.
Whose story is this? Is it Otis and Mark's? Or is it Debbie's? (We know it's not likely to be the terrorists, since they die quickly.) My suggestion--Choose one and tell the story from that POV.
The first sentence-yawn. Stage directions. Even if it's the last thing they ever did, it's boring.
Not to mention that Debbie can't put a bullet in the back of their skulls if they've turned, presumably because they hear her coming? Or have they turned away because they view as no threat? What is going on?
The shocked Douglas brothers--when introduced it is unclear whether they are the now dead terrorists, shock still imprinted on their faces, or someone else in the room. Later, I assume they are Otis and Mark, but the writing isn't clear.
Adverbs--diabolically, hysterically--each of these jumped out and hurt.
Do Otis and Mark know Debbie? If they do, should they be surprised by her violence?
I'm guessing Otis and Mark are tied up. Mark's reaction came out of nowhere, imho. Didn't seem responsive to what went before, given his predicament.
This seemed to be a hyped up, B movie story. [Oh, I see Beth has said the same thing already--but I'm leaving my comment, written before reading others.] Nothing to make me want to read on.
Sorry. good luck
Ditto xiqay. I have to say, for me this was a mess. From the first two sentences to the last. I hate saying this because it sort of implies that I think I'm some sort of expert when I know I'm far from it. But this is a mess.
Right off we have "alarmed terrorists" (what are we supposed to see, guys with long beards and wide eyes?) standing and turning. Then they die. So the first characters we meet last only two sentences. My one argument with xiqay would be that the first sentence isn't stage direction... it's description of props. Unless the book is about what led up to this event, they really have no purpose other than as props.
When Debbie turns to "the men", I thought whoa, wait... the Douglas brothers, who are terrorists and who are alarmed at something, turn, then Debbie shoots them in the back of the head, then Debbie turns to face them? And I should think that their hope of rescue had faded if they'd just been shot in the head. I.e., the writing of the first paragraph needs to be much clearer if you expect people to understand it at the first go.
"Sat on his lap facing him" migh better be "straddled".
I don't get the "paid twice" joke. Who's paying her? For killing the terrorists? What job? Huh? Do people really throw their heads back and laugh hysterically after throwing diabolical looks? This is all cliched. The only reason I can visualize it here is because I've seen it a thousand times in... oh, wait, the B movie thing's already been said twice.
The entire "Blood from the cut..." sentence just seemed klunky.
The entire thing was totally worth reading for the continuation paragraph, though. Standing ovation for this one, Kate.
verification word: vepza
The name of the super-secret spy organization to which Debbie belongs.
If this was only the second-worst lap dance of his life, the mind boggles at what the worst must have been like.
Nice continuation!
I think my comments are best summed up by my continuation:
---
Ron spun to the side and looked at Otis. "Come again?" His knife plunged
deep into the terrorist's chest like a pomegranate. She grinned from ear to
ear. "Parles vous?" Phil said to the old frost giant as he pulled out his
machette. Slash, bang! The door fell off the airplane with a quack, and
then she noticed the duck. . .
"Grandpa," the little boy interrupted, "I don't understand what's going on."
The old man stopped reading. "Neither do I, son. Neither do I."
---
This is like one of those slasher movies that they make for teenagers to giggle at.
Where can a writer go after this? Setting up Debbie as a ruthless killer and brutal (for lack of a better word) beater in the first 150 words. . .
I understand that Douglas Adams destroyed the Earth at the end of his first chapter, and I just read Stross's Iron Sunrise where the first chapter is devoted to a supernova that destroys an entire solar system and then it goes on its Eschaton adventure.
But this is the first words that reader imagines about anyone in the book. Too much.
I have another problem that in the second paragraph she is sitting on Otis's lap and somehow at the beginning of the third paragraph Mark spits in her face. If she just rescued him, why is he spitting? She's just shown how ruthless a killer she is and he's spitting at her?
And a ferocious female named Debbie is a problem, why? she cackles diabolically.
Confused koala here too. Exciting place to start, but I couldn't follow it. I felt I needed to know at least some of where/when/who/why/what etc.
"stood and turned" - not a compelling opening.
Sorry, author, I gave up after the first paragraph.
I actually think the situation is intriguing, and I think having a rampaging assassin named Debbie is funny. But this is all tell. Especially She was still smiling as she looked into his eyes and asked if he had ever gotten paid twice for one job. Then she threw her head back and laughed hysterically at her own joke.
At least give us the dialogue as actual dialogue! There's no "show" here at all.
One of the best continuations I've seen -hilarious.
As for the beginning, I agree with the others that this must come much later in the story. -JTC
Yawn. There's nothing happening that makes me want to read about it, and the style is very "stuff you buy at the convenience store when you have money left over from smokes". Of course that may be intentional, as that's the favoured style for stories about shooting each other with shocking precision and speed; in which case, well done.
Special mention to "sank like an anchor" in the boring department. Isn't there an older, less original simile you could use? A stone, maybe?
I don't doubt some people will read this, but it's definitely not for me.
Somebody, quick, hit the snooze button on those alarmed terrorists!
Like xiqay said, if the terrorists turned, how did Debbie shoot them in the back?
Sure, hopes can sink, but how do they sink like an anchor? Are they metaphorically hooky-shaped? Or do the hopes keep Mark and Otis standing firm in the middle of rough weather? If it's the latter (the only reading I can come up with), it's actually saying the opposite of "they lost hope". The other problem with this simile is that it's redundant, implied by the rest of the action.
One problem is the indirect quotation in paragraph 2, "... [she] asked if he had ever gotten paid twice for one job." The scene is already in-your-face what with the bullets and skulls. The details can't just be alluded to. It's like you wrote, "Then Debbie said something nasty and hilarious." Oh, oops, I see december quinn already said that.
"she threw her head back and laughed hysterically at her own joke"
"Threw her head back" and "hysterically" are redundant. So is "her own joke". It would also help if what she says is actually funny, or even better, twisted and funny. Her line of dialogue can characterize her and explain the backstory and provoke Mark all at once.
"Mark spit in her face just before she back-handed him across the cheek with her weapon."
This sentence was not fun for me to read. It sort of implies that Mark and Debbie were rushing to spit at and back-hand each other, respectively, and Mark barely beat her to it. It also sort of implies that Debbie did not manage to back-hand Mark. E.g., "Buffy staked the vampire just before he pressed the evil button." Sequences like this really need to be clear.
Other commenters have called this a B-movie. What I'll say is that you need to focus more on the interesting, original details of your characters, setting, and story to suck me in. "Hitman paid to betray hostages she was hired to protect" has been done. If you're going to do it, make sure to make it your own.
While I'm able to see the comedic potential for using "Debbie" as the killer's name, the rest of this escapes me, too.
I think enough has been said about this in terms of structure. However, my question is this. Why is this an appropriate beginning for your story? It has more the feel of a climactic moment.
Uncle!!!! -Author
BTW y'all,
I knew a Debbie that was this ruthless in real life. Nothing murderous but the bosses feared her quick and rapier like wit.
Okay, I agree with the rest, and my question is, how do you backhand somebody with a gun? Don't you do it with your hand?
szvwiyp: the sound the gun makes when it rakes across his face.
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