Why you don't get published.
Monday, September 25, 2006
New Beginning 125
Jim finished gutting the doe and dragged her onto the tarp. Even with the snow still patching the ground, the air held the crystal sharpness which made every sound a blade to slice the air. He wrapped his prize in the crackling plastic. He was just looping the rope tight around the doe's legs when the snap of a branch cracked through the woods.
Jim froze, the skin between his shoulders twitching. The one night he was out without French Eddie watching his back, and this happens.
Unfortunately, he heard nothing further after that, making it unlikely to be a wildlife. Also unfortunately, there weren't but a couple of fellows locally who could stalk that well. Neither had Jim's best interests at heart. The one he was worried about, Deputy Bob Darnell, was supposed to be otherwise occupied tonight with Jim's faithless wife, Earlene; and that left Pookie Tuck, the game warden.
So Jim listened with all his might while he slowly reached for the rifle on the ground beside him. If it was Pookie, so be it. If it wasn't, he didn't want a chunk sliced from his ass by a bear wanting an easy meal.
Jim slowly turned to find himself facing a half-circle of staring children.
"You killed Bambi."
He glanced at the doe. "No, no, this isn't . . . it's not even his cousin."
The children moved closer, their faces coldly impassive as they chanted, "Bambi, Bambi, Bambi."
Jim never even got off a shot.
Continuation: Stephen D. Rogers
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20 comments:
The names in the original are the best part, except for Jim. Can't he be Grizzly Jim or Cowboy Jim or something cool like that? Continuation was pretty good--mildly funny.
I think the story should open with the deer putting up a courageous fight against Cowboy Jim. The way it is now, the deer has no guts.
It seems to me that Jim's last name could slip into the first sentence without undue harm. Unless he's just Jim the whole way through the story. YMMV.
"listened with all his might"
Those are some strong ears you have, Jim. Do you work out?
But seriously, a very solid opening.
Even with the snow still patching the ground
The snow is "patching"? The snow is "mending, covering, or strengthening, as with a patch or patches"?
the air held the crystal sharpness which made every sound a blade to slice the air.
My Use of Simile Sucks As Bad As The River Tide
when the snap of a branch cracked through the woods.
A *snap* *cracked* through something?
Jim froze, the skin between his shoulders twitching.
I'm not following this mental image.
Unfortunately, he heard nothing further after that, making it unlikely to be a wildlife.
"A wildlife"? Proofread!
Also unfortunately
"Also unfortunately"? Proofread!
The one he was worried about, Deputy Bob Darnell, was supposed to be otherwise occupied tonight with Jim's faithless wife, Earlene; and that left Pookie Tuck, the game warden.
1. You said there were two people that he's worried about, thus making lines like "the one he was worried about" make no sense.
2. Jim cares about gutting a doe, but not about an enemy sleeping with his wife? Okaaay.
3. Earlene? What a horrible name.
So Jim listened with all his might
How does "might" apply to listening? Not only are you using a cliche, but you're using it in a situation that it doesn't apply to.
This needs work.
On the other hand, the continuation is nicely polished.
The story drew me in, but there are some clumsy bits that need to be cleaned up.
There's a type to be fixed: "unlikely to be a wildlife".
I suggest you delete both instances of "unfortunately" and try the sentences without adverbs.
Here's a suggestion for the last two paragraphs:
"He heard nothing further, so it probably wasn't wildlife. Only two locals could stalk that well. Deputy Bob Darnell was supposed to be otherwise occupied with Jim's faithless wife, Earlene. That left Pookie Tuck, the game warden.
Jim strained to listen while he slowly reached for his rife. If it wasn't Pookie, he didn't want a bear slicing a chunk of his ass for an easy meal."
the air held the crystal sharpness which made every sound a blade to slice the air
I have to admit, I got stuck at this point, wondering what the heck it meant. Did you mean that the air was so sharp the MC could've cut it with a blade? (Unless my brain has turned to mush, which is always a possibility.) As it's written, I think the phrasing is confusing and clunky.
I liked the last paragraph; some nice tension there.
~JerseyGirl
I'm having trouble with the last paragraph (So Jim listened... wanting an easy meal).
It contains almost as much information as the first three paragraphs. Perhaps it should be the first paragraph.
Also, too many "aural" steps. You make a point of the air letting every sould slice like a(2) blade(1), then he crackles plastic (3), a branch snaps (4), he listens(5), no sound (6), he listens again (7). My ears just got tired.
Maybe you don't have to answer this in the first 150 words, but your description in the first paragraph reminds me of morning, just after dawn. The second says night and confuses me. Deer sleep at night, travel by day. A telling line in the third says "occupied tonight" implying poaching (night hunting is illegal around here). This all makes me think that Jim is scoundrel waiting and willing to shoot the game warden over a doe... a doe? A does is meat, a buck with antlers is trophy. Now that's set up a dichotomy in my mind and it's causing me trouble with Jim.
Not only is it severely overdone, but it sounds like someone who's not an outdoorsman, trying to sound like he is an outdoorsman. And as far as I'm concerned, bears are more than welcome to any asshole who thinks of game as "prizes." I hope the bear kills him with flowery language and makes off before Pookie the game warden can catch him.
I have seen newborn deer and they look and walk just like Bambi. It's wonderful to see them stumble and walk the first time.
Of course, two years or three years later they make good venisons steaks.
Writer --nice work. I found my curiosity piqued, wondering who it might be. I think with a bit of tightening you've got a good opening here. You're doing some nice "show" work that tells me this guy is a poacher (French Eddie watching his back, the game warden, Deputy...). I'd change up "Jim listened with all his might" -it read a jarring and unnecessary cliche. You're building good tension so can simply say "listened carefullY" and we'll get it.
New Beginning author --that was priceless. Someone should have put up a beverage alert on that.... Bambi.... ROFL
This could use a little tightening up, but it wasn't bad. I liked the various sounds. I know some here didn't like the simile about the blade, but it made perfect sense to me.
I suppose what really bothered me was the way you rooted the POV in his head, and then stepped outside to formally introduce other characters to the reader. Jim wouldn't think of Bob as Deputy Bob Darnell; he's just Bob, or maybe Deputy Bob. Likewise, "his wife, Earlene," sounds unnatural. What might be better would something along the lines of: "Deputy Bob was supposed to be occupied tonight with Earlene, the faithless slut."
That gets the point across that Earlene is either Jim's girlfriend or wife, and that's all we need to know at this moment.
Pookie?
On the plus side, I think you've chosen a good place for your opening. As long as that twig cracking leads to real action or conflict and isn't a trick on the reader to introduce faux tension.
When I read "a wildlife," my first thought was that this was an ESL author. Sort of like talking to the offshore engineers who talk about "a software."
You've already got everything else that I would say from the others who came before me.
I read the first clause and quit. Just my personal preference--no killing animals-especially in the first line. Not even for survival. (Killing people? Generally that makes it a murder, and seems okay. Isn't that an odd twist.)
Good luck.
I found the pile up of names in one sentence a bit hard to swallow. The continuation made me laugh.
anonymous 1 -- no guts.
Oig!
Ok, I love puns. This was the best of the whole piece, for me.
Um...deer do come out at night.
Correct, bernita. When you drive in Texas at night, you better have one foot on the brake and your head on a swivel.
I have to disagree with rei, and some others, except for the "also unfortunately" and "listened with all his might" errors. Your names rock and your language is evocative and reads well.
Yes, the query needs work, but it makes me curious about what's going to happen, and I'm pretty sure it's going to be weird--and deadly.
That said, the continuation was herbal tea-sputteringly amusing.
This opening struck me as secondhand and stereotyped -- either a dude's idea of what rural life is like, or a good old boy/girl's idea of what dudes want to read. It's an interesting opening if Jim is either about to be jumped by Pookie, or by something worse than a bear :)
Your observations are good, especially about the way cold air sounds, but awkwardly expressed. I agree with whoever said it was too much sound imagery without other senses being invoked.
"Even with the snow still patching the ground" sounds like you're straining too hard to be poetic. It's good to try to use original language and active verbs, but this one doesn't work.
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