Why you don't get published.
Saturday, September 23, 2006
New Beginning 123
“The Council’s decision is final, Don Vincenzo,” Basilio braced himself.
“The bastards hide while I rip my heart out.”
“…guard your position or death squads will be dispatched. Your son violated an entire village. He took a risk and lost.”
“A boy, barely out of his teens, is there no…” Don Vincenzo had tears in his eyes. “I could banish him to the jungle?”
“The Council demands blood... You have five days,” Basilio DiSica turned and walked out of the house. Armed guards let him enter his limousine. For the first time in his life, Basilio DiSica felt shame.
“Our new research facility,” Jordan steered the cart along the 6 kilometers of acrylic view ports carved into the coastline of theYucatan peninsula. Pompano, serrano, bass and shrimp floated past the view ports.
“Incredible,” Caleb stared like a small child.
“You’ll introduce new Piscean hybrids into the environment and monitor their viability. Consider this your new home.”
Denzel Patrik stared in exasperation at the glowing screen before him as he impatiently manipulated the controls. "Unbelievable."
"What's wrong?" The voice, edged with concern, came from behind him.
"Look at this crap." He pointed at the display. "A cheesy mafia movie or a documentary about fish. We gotta get cable." He pressed the "off" button, threw the remote aside and pushed himself out of his chair. "I'm gonna go read a book."
Opening: Dave.....Continuation: ril
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18 comments:
Trying too hard to make this too tight. I think some babies were thrown out with the editorial bathwater.
A few things threw me off track right away. Having the voices disembodied made it difficult to track, particularly when in my haste I read a period where the comma is in the first sentence. Thus, I thought Basilio was the one listening, not the one speaking. (Partly also because I've never seen "braced himself" as a synonym of "said".) Plus, why would the one announcing the council's decision have to brace himself? Particularly if it appears (later) that the decision has already been announced before we start listening in? Bracing is for the one hearing the bad news, typically done just before the bad news is delivered.
The second line about bastards... it's hard to tell without attribution if that's a continuation of the previous speaker or a new speaker. Who are the bastards? And who's hiding? When I read the first paragraph, I assumed the council was in the room, addressing Don Vincenzo directly. Are the hiding bastards the council, the ones who accused Don Vincenzo of something, the ones who wronged Don Vincenzo, or some other group?
When I got to the third paragraph and saw the new sentence began with an ellipsis... well... it made me wonder if perhaps these were several unrelated snippets presented together for some artistic reason, or perhaps a number of voices in a room or a radio dial being turned... there was no flow, no coherence at this point for me.
It took me three readings to understand who was speaking and what was happening. Perhaps I just read it too quickly the first two times, but I think you want to make some changes and put in more context around the disembodied voices. As it is, it's written much more like a play (all dialog) but without the attribution. If it were performed, it would have scenery, context, costumes, positioning of the characters. As it is, all those things may be in your head, but they're missing from the page.
Then we shift to an entirely different location. I get that you're going for a boom-boom-boom opening, but this, for me, was way too difficult to parse. Too much, too quickly, with not enough context. You've clearly got some story and characters and setting behind this, but you've made it too minimalist and made it too difficult for the reader to understand what you're thinking. A few sentences here or there adding context would help a lot.
Um... WTF? It's like you're hoping to be the next Aldous Huxley and failing. There is a hint of all kinds of cool things happening, but we're never gonna understand half of it because of the way it's written.
Hopefully that's not the style throughout. If you move something sensical to the first few pages, and save this sort of ADD writing for when I know what's going on, I'd read more. Unless it's gonna turn out to be about terrorists.
1972:
Sollozzo offers Luca Brazzi $50,000 "to start with" to betray the Corleones. When Sollozzo extends his hand to seal the deal, Luca Brazzi won't shake hands with him and formalize the lie he has just perpetrated. Sollozzo, who has a reputation for being "very good with the knife”, displays his handiwork by brutally ice-picking Luca Brazzi's hand into the top of the bar to render him helpless. As Tattaglia holds his hands down, a hit man grabs Luca Brazzi from behind and slowly strangles him to death with a tightened garrote - Luca Brazzi gurgles and his eyes bulge as he sinks from view. He collapses to the floor - his death is filmed through the fish-decorated outer glass doors of the bar.
Sonny orders Clemenza to immediately punish stoolie Paulie: "Take care of that son-of-a-bitch right away. Paulie sold out the old man, that stronz. I don't want to see him again. Make that first thing on your list, understand?" Just then, a brown paper-wrapped package is delivered and unwrapped by Tessio - a fish is found within Luca's bulletproof vest. It indicates that Luca Brazzi has been executed gangster-style - his body has been thrown in the river. Clemenza tells Sonny what it means:
It's a Sicilian message. It means Luca Brazzi sleeps with the fishes.
I'd start with "the council demands blood" and go from there, and stay with the guy who just got the bad news and why. Everything else in this opening is kinda confusing. I'd like less dialogue and more on where they are, put me into the scene more. But from what I got it sounds interesting. I'd probably read on to see if I could figure it out. Good job and good luck.
The dialogue tags lost me. I'm a fan of ellipses, but I think periods would have worked better here.
And I agree, I don't know who's talking, or what they're talking about. It needs a little more meat to get us to care.
There are also a lot of commas where there should be periods:
"...Don Vincenzo,” Basilio braced himself.
"...five days,” Basilio DiSica turned and walked out of the house."
"...Incredible,” Caleb stared..."
The characters are not bracing, walking, or staring their words. All of that dialogue needs a period at the end--commas are for "Fie," she said, or "No," he shouted.
Ah, PJD & Nightowl,
I plead guilty, guilty, guiity, guilty.
I'm so confused... starting with the October 1st at the very top. So very confusing...
Dave, put some of the words back.
Ah, I cannot resist a squirrel. Your wish is my command -- the beginning revised:
“The Council demands blood,” Basilio DiSica stood in the study with the richest drug lord in the Yucatan.
“The bastards can’t face me when they demand my son’s death. He’s a boy, barely out of his teens.” Don Vincenzo braced himself on the mahogany desk.
“If you don’t handle this, death squads will be dispatched to, as they say, wipe your son’s shame from the world.” Even Basilio thought the punishment harsh, cruel and excessive.
“Our village?” Don Vincenzo had tears in his eyes. He held his head with both hands unable to look up at Basilio.
“No one will be spared, nothing will remain.” Basilio fingered his hat. The two men had grown up together, married sisters and watched each other’s sons grow to become men.
“I will do what I must, Basilio. Come back in five days,” Don Vincenzo said. He waved Basilio out of the room. For his part, Basilio DiSica said nothing as he left the house, past armed guards and entered his limousine. For the first time in his life, Basilio DiSica felt shame.
Yanno, I did wonder when I saw the spareness of this if it was Dave the Enemy of Waffle.
LOL! It was!
And...I prefer the first one. Yes, I was confused, yes there was too much in too little time, but it was all show and no tell - I think that the second version goes too far the other way, and it's still confusing, for example, in the first line: Basilio DiSica stood in the study with the richest drug lord in the Yucatan. I don't need to be told about the richest drug lord at this point - and I still don't know who's talking! The dialogue is more explanatory/helpful, though and I love: “No one will be spared, nothing will remain.” .
Dave, in your revised version there's at least one POV problem that I can see. If the POV is Basilio, how does he know Don Vincenzo has tears in his eyes when Don Vincenzo is holding his head with both hands and not looking at Basilio.
The first line, the richest druglord, that sounds like an info dump because Basilio would know that and would he be thinking that? I cant think of a way to do that without it being an "as you know, Bob" moment. Likewise the bit about the two men having grown up together. It's less confusing than the first time, but I still find it confusing. I think in this case, more is more and you need to expand it quite a bit. I know we're always talking about jumping into the thick of things, but I think you jumped a bit too far.
If you back it up to where Basilio arrives, you can describe the house, show the opulence, maybe even introduce the bit where they grew up together. Maybe Vincenzo can appeal to Basilio, as one friend to another. Something like that.
I don't want to move the scene back and add a lot of words because the next scene is the huge aquarium and different characters. I think that just adding a great description of the worlds most opulent den won't be fair to the reader.
I only return to Basilio and Vincenzo late in the story. This is the frame. It sets up the reason for the transformations. When these two characters return they have a nasty interaction with his son. The resolution of which sets up the true "face of horror" in the storyline.
I think that the lines about their childhood and being a drug lord has to qualify Basilio's shame. If it is an info dump, then it takes place right at the end of the section.
I can fix the tears. "Don Vincenzo held his head with both hands unable to look up at Basilio. His tears darkened the paper on his desk."
Which is an even starker way of saying it than I had before.
You know, it is tempting to write the sumptuousness and contrast it with the message being delivered. That would be another story and another idea. Gotta think on that.
-ril, the continuation was too close to the target. Ouch. Hurting more than funny.
Author,
I was bothered by the repeated style of dialogue, comma, sentence. This isn't attribution. It isn't correct grammar. And it isn't working in your favor.
The first sentence--is Basilio the speaker? or reacting to the sentence?
The next sentence is a non-sequitur. Real dialogue often contains these. In context, readers can follow them and they can enhance the professional quality of writing. At the start, though, they're just confusing.
The third sentence--starts in mid-sentence, so we've missed something. If I knew who the speaker was, I could probably figure out what was missed. It's obviously not important, but then is the "position and death squads" important? The sentence "Your son violated an entire village. He took a risk and lost." is the first really informative bit.
Next paragraph. Lose the tears. I like the question-statement sentence (banish to the jungle?) Imho, it's a strong sentence that conveys the speaker's fear, hope, desire, desperation, last-ditch effort. All in just 7 words. good.
more dialogue, comma, sentence. Then we have armed guards--were they there all along? Where are we? When are we? And then we have you telling us how Basilio feels, which is not what I would have thought his feelings were, either, from what has gone before. ick.
This is a story I could be interested in, but at this point, I'm not reading on (unless of course the book blurb is so enticing I'm just skimming past this to get to the good stuff).
Good luck.
Dave:
This needs serious work for all of the reasons described above -- confusing voices, POV problems, wacky-as-heck dialogue tags, etc.
Wasn't this a Bulwer-Lytton entry?
I'm guessing that Basilio has amnesia, has alzheimer's, is on trial, or is dead.
I have to agree that you went from too few words to too many, and “The Council demands blood,” Basilio DiSica stood in the study with the richest drug lord in the Yucatan. is weird. "Stood" is not another way to say "said." :) I think what I'd like to see is the amount of dialogue that you have in the second version, with the amount of narration you had in the first. Something like this:
“The Council demands blood, Don Vincenzo” said Basilio DiSica.
“The bastards can’t face me when they demand my son’s death. He’s a boy, barely out of his teens.”
“If you don’t handle this, death squads will be dispatched to, as they say, wipe your son’s shame from the world.”
“Our village?”
“No one will be spared, nothing will remain.” Basilio fingered his hat. The two men had grown up together, married sisters and watched each other’s children grow up.
“I will do what I must, Basilio. Come back in five days,” Don Vincenzo said. Basilio said nothing as he left the room. He walked past the armed guards at the house's grand front door and climbed into his limousine. For the first time in his life, Basilio DiSica felt shame.
I changed "house" to "room" because there's no reason for Basilio to be saying anything once he's out of the room. I liked the part about their shared past but "watch their sons grow to become men" was melodramatic.
Thanks to all.
Nightowl, I have rewritten the opening much as you have outlined. And As I read your comments, I thought of something. Why should I waste a line as melodramatic as "watch their sons grow to become men"...
I won't use it right there, but one of the characters in the story will be Basilio DiSica's son and will "suffer" the same fate as Vincenco's son. It's a nice tie together I hadn't thought about. The council also demanded a sacrifice from the town and Basilio son volunteered.
Thanks, thanks, thanks,
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