Why you don't get published.
Friday, September 22, 2006
New Beginning 122
Sometimes, when it was sticky hot and you couldn’t sleep, you woke me up in the middle of the night and we snuck out and walked to the beach. Or if you weren’t in the mood, we walked through the woods and talked until the sun came up.
That night, the night you told me, the last night we snuck out, we climbed out my bedroom window and down the apple tree with our beach towels on our shoulders like we’d done every summer since you were ten.
You had a small backpack slung across your shoulder that you kept hiking up as you climbed to the ground. When we hit bottom, we crawled beneath Mom and Dad’s bedroom window, you first because you always went first, and then we ran for the far side of the property. We had to muffle our laughs as we stood up and ran like bats out of hell to the street. At the next corner, we turned onto the trail on the left that led through the field to old man Garton’s driveway. It was one of those warm and humid nights, the kind that you hated. You always complained about the humidity. But that night you didn’t mention it.
We both knew we shouldn't be on old man Garton's property, but after you told me, told me what he'd done to you, I didn't care. It was as if we were in our own private world. Just you and me.
I didn't know then that it would be the last time I ever saw you. I didn't know that you would say good-bye and leave me forever, didn't know you would abandon me right after we'd killed old man Garton and you'd stuffed his head into your backpack and handed it to me. Hell . . . I didn't even know you weren't real.
Opening: Judy Gregerson.....Continuation: Kate Thornton/EE
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22 comments:
I like the original except for the "bats out of hell" part. I think it breaks the mood. I'd read on but I hope this stops addressing "you," whoever "you" is, pretty soon.
Awesome continuation!
The voice in the New Beginning is wonderful, and there's tension present. The problem is that the story meanders around a bit, not getting to the point. This really reminds me of New Beginning 48. I'm hooked, I'm waiting for another clue to be fed to me regarding what is going on, but the author is holding out just a leeeetle too long. I'd read on, but I'd be very wary about having my time wasted by the story's pacing.
Some specific quibbles:
We had to muffle our laughs as we stood up and ran like bats out of hell to the street.
I think this sentence should be chopped. First, "bats out of hell" is horribly cliched, and second, if the two characters have slipped out of the house many times before, they wouldn't still be giggling about it. They would just be doing it. Misbehaviour is only glee-worthy the first few times you do it; after that, you tend to be stoic and practical about it.
It was one of those warm and humid nights, the kind that you hated. You always complained about the humidity. But that night you didn’t mention it.
The first two sentences are telling and backstory, and part of the reason why I feel like the story isn't progressing fast enough. However, that first sentence is necessary backstory to add tension to the third sentence.
Why don't you consider chopping the second sentence, however? It isn't adding very much information that wasn't already implied by sentences one and three (which could then be combined into a single sentence), and that would pick up your pace a little.
My final comment is that the first paragraph is all backstory. I didn't find it very intrusive, but still - consider starting the story with the second paragraph. There is nothing in that first paragraph that isn't implied in the second and third paragraphs. The fact that the characters are sneaking out, that they're going to the beach, that they've done this before, that it's hot and humid - that's all shown and implied to the reader in the second and third paragraphs. You don't need the first paragraph at all, and besides, the first sentence of paragraph two contains your story's hook. That's where you should start the story.
I think this is a very strong piece with a great voice, but it needs to be tightened up just a little to really draw the reader in.
I like the original and would read more. Is you a brother, friend, what?
hawkowl is right about the "bats out of hell" part, but I don't totally condemn it because Meatloaf is way too cool. -JTC
The original is a very nice style, although could use some cleaning up.
The continuation made my jaw drop. ;)
I'm in a minority, I suppose, but the narrator addressing everything to "you" would get real old real fast. In fact, it was old by the second sentence.
Obviously I'm not the reader for this.
If there's a point to the original, I hope YOU get to it pretty soon.
Continuation was good, but every other one seems to end with some kind of murder. It's getting cliched.
Continuation was good, but every other one seems to end with some kind of murder. It's getting cliched.
Not wanting to be accused of such an egregious sin (True, I don't write them, but I choose them), but wanting to be sure the accusation was legit, I reviewed the 122 New Beginnings. About one in four have included a murder, though many of those murders must be inferred by the reader, as they don't occur in the continuation itself. As for "getting" cliched, The last new beginning to feature a murder in the continuation (before # 122) was # 108. So after 13 consecutive continuations without a murder, a murder pops in, and EE gets accused of using too many murders?
Just to follow what Whitemouse said, I wrote New Beginning #48 and my revised version ended up only 123 words while starting out at 379 words.
You have to find a way to preserved the leisurely voice and still put the drama (in the continuation's case, a murder and revelation) into the first 150 words.
Shoulda' used my continuation, EE. Who would object to the firefly is wearing the tiny backpack? The minions would have roared when his tiny towel catches fire...
I'm guessing you has amnesia, has alzheimer's, is on trial, or is dead.
This started off, I thought, like a eulogy for a dead pet. Then it seemed like a letter to someone the author hadn't seen in a long time. Then it began to get odd... after a few sentences, shouldn't you remember that night? Shouldn't you go, "Oh, yeah, that was fun," or "holy crap, that was a rough night," or something?
Instead, you is treated to a blow-by-blow recap of that night. This leads me to believe that you has perhaps forgotten (thus, alzheimers or amnesia). Or perhaps the lawyer is talking to you on the witness stand, and soon he will ask, "Isn't that true?" Or you is dead, and the author is in a perpetual monolog because you of course can't answer. (I hadn't thought of the imaginary friend you until I read the most excellent continuation.)
In any case, I personally don't much care for second person unless it's a short story. (Thus, "Not for me" if it's a novel.)
All that said, it flows and does give us a lot about the characters and some of the setting. I don't think we need so much of the blow-by-blow, though.
Usually I dislike 2nd person stories, but I didn't mind this one. The voice was good, but see comments above about the cliche and the drag.
I assumed that this was a short intro segment where the "you" is dead/absent and being spoken to in a sort of meditative or prayer-like manner. I also assumed the rest of the novel would switch into 1st or 3rd person. Please tell me it's so.
And I loved the continuation. Perfect voice. I hadn't considered that the you might not be dead but was instead a schizophrenic-like hallucination. Nice.
Wow EE, you put a lot of work into disproving my point, although 1 in 4 still seems like too many. Let's be a bit more imaginative, people.
This is not bad for a 2nd person narrative and I like that You took the risk. I would say though that I can't imagine sustaining this over the length of a novel and would hope that you switched to some other POV soon. Or maybe just treat it as first person and occasionally have little asides to You.
EE, I don't know if murder, specifically, is cliche'd, but I would say that more and more I find myself able to predict exactly how the continuation will go.
I remember that beginning about the person alone in the wilderness with their dog and they were hungry and I was immediately like "Oh, in the continuation the narrator will eat the dog."
Twisted, yes, but predictably so. Continuations like the prostitute who turns out to be the new babysitter are much better.
I find myself able to predict exactly how the continuation will go.
What you're predicting is EE's twisted sense of humor, not what is the obvious way for the continuation writer to go. I get as many as fifteen continuations for some openings, and while there are occasionally similar ones (anytime there are mystery people at the door I get a few Jehovah's Witnesses continuations) they are mostly radically different from one another. On 122, in fact, I added the murder. None of the submitted continuations included one. Maybe I should try letting you guys choose the winner one of these times.
OMG, EE - what a terrific idea! Let's have it as a contest or something!
I do not like or read 2nd person. *shudder*
If anyone accuses *that* continuation of being predictable, they must be insane - it was brilliant!
Oh Judy, I am jealous. I submitted a continuation on this. I think I nailed the voice, I just didn't have any interesting place to go. Your continuation is a riot. Great job.
Author, This opening if very personal and close, a narrator talking directly to a sibling. But it also distances with time and has a very strong quality of reminiscence, not in the present.
Two nitpicks: bats out of hell-cliche.
old man Garton's driveway. It was one of those...--thought you were talking about the driveway. new paragraph might fix.
I'm not sure how much I like it. I'd keep reading for now.
Not a big fan of second person here, sorry. Laughed out loud at the last line of the continuation.
You guys crack me up. You really so.
I have to say, I am trying this as is and without the you in it to see which is more personal and to see which is more easily sustained for a whole book. I think the you works for a while, but like you, I agree that it will get OLD.
This ending was hilarious. Totally. Thanks for the laugh. I've been out of town at a writer's conference and came home to big chuckles.
And the "bat out of hell" cliche was killed. You're all right again. LOL.
Does it really have to be all one or all the other? I like what you're doing here, just not for a whole novel. Could you do a third-person narration with little bits of this "I" talking to "you" stuff here in there? That would be stylish.
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