Why you don't get published.
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
New Beginning 120
Carol was not in the habit of showing off. Senile and eccentric were labels she could live with, 'medium' was not. But it was that time again and even after all these years she still found herself outside Bellevue Hospital braving the wintry cold of a New York Christmas Eve. She had the cards tucked safely away from the drifting snow, the fluffy blue-topped pencil almost vibrating in her pocket, itching to be released. With a sigh she tucked her coat a little tighter around her and headed into the waiting room.
She sat quietly in one of the corner chairs, piling her mismatched cards on the table beside her. Then, carefully, she took the pencil out of her pocket. There was always that first moment, when it wanted so desperately to begin and she had to explain. The spirits needed to think before they wrote and so many of them didn't want to.
"Darn," she snarled, realizing her other pencil, the red one, was back in the padded room. "They might not believe it's really me."
She dutifully sat before the mountain of paper on the table and began pawing through the documents. After an hour she had tossed several reams worth into the asylum fireplace without a second thought. Her dog settled on the hearth, enjoying the burst of heat.
Now all I've got to do is make sure the mail boy leaves the postmark off the SASEs, she thought, reaching for the gin pail. If anybody finds out where we live, KY, we can kiss our blogs goodbye.
Opening: Martha....Continuation: Dave Conifer
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17 comments:
This could be an interesting read even if it isn't the kind of thing I usually get into. I think it is very original and that is one of the most difficult hurdles, isn't it?
The continuation was pretty good.
-JTC
That continuation darn well better be anonymous!
By the way, Miss Snark, it wasn't me.
Lol!
that was my continuation. EE uses one for every 25 I submit...
...dave conifer
EE, great job tightening up the continuation. You made several key improvements. I realized later that I shouldn't have named Killer Yap before the punchline.
Then, carefully, she took the pencil out of her pocket.
Is she afraid of lead poisoning or something?
Both story and continuation: meh.
*grin* I knew the minions would come up with something great, but Miss Snark? *laughs* Now I have the sudden urge to sneak a poodle into that 'verse somewhere. ^_~
Now if I could only get EE in there as well... *ponders*
The original seems to try too hard to make me wonder what's going on. If anything, the way we get all these disconnected pieces of not-quite-information is making me feel antsy, not curious.
The continuation though... buwahaha! After 120 New Beginnings, the continuations are starting to be really predictable, but this one was unexpected and even relatable.
But it was that time again and, even after all these years, she found herself outside Bellevue Hospital braving the wintry cold of a New York Christmas Eve.
I found the opening intriguing and would read on to discover more. I'd just make the edits as above to improve readability or maybe play around with it some more "but it was that time and she again found herself..." I don't know - something about that sentence just seems to need a little reworking.
Other than that, as I said, intriguing.
Re: Cathy
Sorry about the second paragraph. I had to fit it into 150 words so it's just the first few sentences. I didn't realize how disjointed it would make that section sound since I'm used to the flow of the full version. *embarrassed grin* Live and learn, right? (Or it is 'There are no stupid stories, only stupid writers'? ^_~ *grin*)
I'm not worried. MS and KY have keen senses of humor and don't care what I think anyway.
Besides, I'm pretty sure that Miss Snark has already blown my work off anyway with a "you're writing blows" form letter...
...dave c.
Apart from the "carefully" taking out her pencil, I thought this was pretty good. 150 words is, of course, too soon to tell.
I enjoyed the opening, especially the first two sentences. I felt they gave me a good idea of her character, and she was someone I wanted to know more about. I also liked "The spirits needed to think before they wrote and so many of them didn't want to." Intriguing.
Good job author.
This is probably because I'm slow, but at first I took 'medium' to be the adjective meaning 'average, unexceptional' - maybe because 'senile' and 'eccentric' are adjectives? Then I got to the spirits and realised that it was the noun 'medium'. I'd suggest 'psychic' but that might be taken as reading the minds of the living rather than hearing the dead. Everyone else seems to have caught on right away, so this probably isn't an issue.
The line about the spirits having to think was lovely.
LOL at the Miss Snark continuation.
First impressions:
Author,
Your opening invites a lot of questions: "after all these years" makes me wonder what happened in the past and why we're back. Is Belleveu and asylum (it is where I come from). Why does this woman think being known as a "medium" would be unbearable? Questions can be good, keep a reader going to find answers, or they can be irritating, making reader feel confused with what is happening. Here, I'm on the line.
The first paragraph is good enough that I want to keep reading. The second paragraph--we're quickly inside and I got disoriented about where we were (yeah, I realie we're heading into the waiting room, but then we're sitting on a corner chair. This seems a radical change of pace.)
Now we're to the pen, vibrating in the first paragraph, but we don't know why until the last sentence of the second paragraph. There seems to be little reason for holding out on us.
You have an interesting gimmick, a ben that writes on its own, apparently filled with the spirits of writers. I want one of those pens. But the gimmick is also reminiscent of the quick quotes quill of one Rita Skeeter.
At this point, I'm not sure if I'll read on.
After reading the comments, further comments:
I understand by the end of paragraph 2 that she's careful with the pen because it holds spirits. But this is another example of things out-of-order.
Good luck, author.
And Dave C., Do you know Miss Snark's id? (pretty sure she's blown you off) I think the same about one of my submissions. I'm curious who you think she is and if it's the same hunch I have. but then part of me loves not knowing for sure.
After 120 New Beginnings, the continuations are starting to be really predictable...
Nah. Don't believe you.
A promising opening. The continuation made me spew coffee :)
Would the plot and the next events allow you to show the woman doing or reacting, instead of just telling us? I'm thinking of something along the lines of, "The janitor swabbing the entry held the door for her, muttering, 'Don't mess my floor, you senile old bag.' She smiled and tucked a paper flower in his pocket. As long as he didn't suspect her profession, she didn't care what he called her." Or, "She waited until the receptionist's back was turned, then slipped into the waiting room. She found a seat in the corner away from the television where she wouldn't be seen..."
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