Why you don't get published.
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
New Beginning 119
I have a rich fantasy life. It’s a necessity for a single woman over the age of fifty and slightly worse for wear. But even I couldn’t have dreamed up the scene I stumbled on in my office that night. Attending the celebrity book signing earlier that evening had been excruciatingly boring. If Shelly hadn’t been so desperate for moral support I’d have bowed out entirely. She didn’t really need me there but she was nervous because it was her first charity event and she wanted everything to be perfect. I planned to spend an hour or so and go back to my office to catch up on some paperwork but you know what they say about best laid plans.
“Hey Charlie, long time no see!” said a familiar voice behind me. Turning, I pasted on my professional smile. The smile became genuine when I saw Mack standing there.
And suddenly I was no longer a fifty-plus frump; I was a long-legged minx with flashing eyes, strolling the beach in Rio. And Mack morphed from a Jack Nicholson lookalike to a dead ringer for Brad Pitt in a Speedo. I tossed my auburn mane over my shoulder.
Mack licked his well-shaped lips and spoke in a husky voice. “We need to go over those Schedule A deductions.”
So much for Rio. On to Fantasy B: the sexy CEO and the accountant. I smoothed my $5,000 suit, kicked off my Manolos, and gave Mack The Look over my designer glasses. He blushed like a young Clark Kent who couldn’t hide those Superman muscles under his baggy jacket.
“Sure” I purred. “Your office or mine?”
“I’ll email 'em to you.” He blew his nose into a dirty handkerchief.
Damn, he was making this hard. I ran through my mental list: Surgeon and patient? Librarian and researcher? Alien seductress and astronaut? Mack used the handkerchief to dislodge some earwax. Yuck. Sadistic serial killer and unwitting victim? He blew his nose again, then studied the results.
“Yeah, OK, email me.” Even the richest fantasy life has its limits.
Continuation: Nancy Conner
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
24 comments:
ROFL!!!! Brilliant continuation.
As to the actual opening, it was going great until the author lapsed into boring backstory. Cut everything after "that night" and tell us what she saw in her office. Explanations can wait until later.
The first paragraph is all telling. Could you chop it and start with the dialogue? At the very least, liposuction that paragraph; it has some flab flapping under its arms.
Word veri: fmpreg - Explaining why that word is funny to me would take a very long time.
The continuation was great. Very funny and I know funny. Original...not so much.
Fabulous continuation. I needed a good laugh, and I got it.
I've seen worse than the original. At least the telling (instead of showing) in this case is done well.
The continuation was fabulous. The beginning was a bit boring. Too much backstory. Just start right in on the action. I liked the first couple of lines, but I got bored around "Attending the celebrity book signing..." I don't really need to know that at this point in the game. Give me the action and then you can explain that stuff later.
(In other words, what Beth said).
Compare this opening to New Beginning 117 (Diane and Courtney at the ad agency). The differences will be instructive. Both the openings are chick lit that frame an account of the scene that changed their life with some short setup.
You need more commas in the first paragraph. They separate clauses. "If Shelly hadn't been so desperate for moral support [[comma]] I'd have..." "She didn't really need me there [[comma]] but she..." "... to catch up on some paperwork [[comma]] but you know what they say..."
If celebrity book signings are so boring, why should we have to hear about them? Why do we need all this dreary exposition right now?
I found the voice unconvincing, but that could be because it takes so long to get to the scene.
I agree with Beth. I loved the opening but a couple of sentences in you went off in another direction. Stick with the fantasy and what happened in the office.
Here's another reader who agrees with beth, let the backstory wait.
I'm following you thru the fantasy life, office discovery, and the boring party sentences. You're losing my interest with the two lines about Shelly, but you catch me again with the line about going back to the office. When you don't launch into the office discovery, but instead give me the "Hi" conversation, you lose my interest completely.
Hope this helps you map out the tension in your excerpt.
The continuation was brilliant. I'd read about that woman.
I really didn't like the opening, because of the way the narrator extends her personal experience into the lives of every fifty-something woman. Reminds me of all those crass "like every woman, she..." lines from 70s pulp. It's not often an opening succeeds in putting me off in the first line.
(and no, I'm not over fifty, altho worse for wear...that might fit!)
(why do they have to use such fancy fonts for the word verification? grrrr!)
Loved the first sentence, loved the continuation and could have lived without everything in between. It went from being engaging with the opening line to being dull with the celebrity book signing tripe.
Another vote agreeing with Beth--cut the first paragraph after 'that night.'
Then, you say the voice is familiar before she turns, but she doesn't know who it is until after she turns and sees him. That's confusing.
I don't dislike this, but it doesn't hook me, either. There's not enough there to make much of an impression. I can't even tell what kind of a story it is. Is it a mystery? Is she going to find a dead body in her office?
Thanks very much for all the helpful comments. I'm sharpening the ginzu blade. I appreciate the feedback and I LOVED the continuation as well!
Thanks again.
Hey Buffy,
The reason the use the fancy fonts in word verification is to make it hard for a computer 'bots' to read (cutting down on spams). Unfortunately that makes it hard for us non-bots too. But it works because 'bots' can't squint.
I'm only telling you this because you're my favorite minion. I have a crush on you...
Lemon crush?
Thanks for the info :D.
Amazing continuation!. I tried and came to a dead halt. Thank you for making me keep reading.
Author, I liked the first two sentences a lot. They pulled me (a woman over 50) right in. I identify and think, this could be funny or interesting.
Things took something of a dive from there. You give us the teaser about a scene in your office. So we're going to get reality instead of fantasy. I'm disappointed.
And then you backtrack even more to a celebrity book signing. But you say you plan to go to your office after the book signing, so I'm still hoping we'll at least get back there to satisfy me on the teaser.
And then you go off course to a man named Mack whose presence makes you smile genuinely and upset your plans to go back to the office.
And now I'm putting this aside, no longer interested.
Sorry.
Hi Lori!
Just keep repeating as often as neccessary...
Most of these critiques come from the Unpublished. (And often very young!)
You've got a nice beginning here, I'd read this, and buy this!
(Nancy's continuation was inspired; but can she write the Novel?)
Regards from one who fits yer Market
I was intrigued in the first three sentences, but then the timeline glitched and tossed me backward to some book signing.
By the time I got to her hearing the voice, I couldn't tell whether she was in her office by then or still at the book signing. And I had almost forgotten the 'what I saw in my office' hook back in Sentence 3.
Get the timeline/back story sorted out, and I'd give this another page or two to live up to its early promise.
magz said...Most of these critiques come from the Unpublished. (And often very young!)
And you know this how...?
"I have a rich fantasy life. It’s a necessity for a single woman over the age of fifty and slightly worse for wear."
As an over-50 woman I too dislike this first sentence and it's insinuation that single over-50 women have to live fantasy lives to compensate for lack of sex. As a matter of fact, some of us have discovered that sex ISN'T the most important thing in the world and are quite busy living real, supremely interesting and active lives. Dog, I do hate the "frumpy old-spinster leading boring lives" cliches! Nothing could be further from the truth, at least in my case. So yes, the first sentence in this book would make me rapidly close it in a bookstore.
I'd love to come up with some witty quip here but it's about 4:30 in the a.m. and I'm off to get ready for work. I'm still enjoying the feedback and find it helpful. Now I'll have to find a way to warp Charlie into her office much more quickly and still introduce the old flame (that doesn't gel in this short excerpt, but that's who Mack is). Thanks all! Have a good day everyone.
Hello Young and Unpublished!
Of course I really DONT know.. who has or hasnt published here. It's only my own opinion,
often proven Wrong
based on observation while being mightily entertained here at EE's Place.
I'd be more than pleased to delve into this with you just for fun,
since this was really only meant to be a kudo to the author of the piece, Lori.
I dont 'know' this, yet neither did I mean to state it as a fact. Just sayin...opinion.
There's more of my admittedly insufferable opinions on writing, here; http://maggiezfarmaz.blogspot.com/2006/08/incredible-writeness-of-being-somewhat.
Truely, I humbly apologize for the header on the above comment: I really did mean,
the Not young, Not unpublished.
My bad: I'm sorry
Love the continuation of this one.
Post a Comment