Why you don't get published.
Friday, September 15, 2006
New Beginning 114
Shadow quit struggling when they got past the boat. Owen set him back down on the dock, nearly tripping himself over somebody's bait bucket.
He braced on one knee and scratched Leon's dog behind the ears. Once they were past the worst of it, he figured seventy pounds of muscle and bone, split about equally between Black Lab and Great Dane, ought to be able to walk on its own.
But he didn't blame Shadow for balking earlier--Owen half-longed to plant himself on the concrete and whimper right alongside him. If he could just get a little more distance first.
The smell ought to have faded by now. He stood, inhaling a warm soup of Texas Gulf Coast humidity, diesel exhaust and the almost-visible stink of rotting fish. Anything beyond that, this far from the boat, had to be a memory . . . stuck in his nose. He tried breathing through his mouth instead.
The task was made harder by the odd contours of his beak. Only he and Shadow had escaped Dr. Ricardo's underwater lab, that eighth circle of Hell where the grafting together of different dog breeds was but the tip of the medical-mutations iceberg.
Shadow's Black Lab tail wagged gently as his Great Dane nose nuzzled against Owen's goat legs. The dog's midsection was healing. Owen could only hope that one day he himself would do the same.
Opening: DHY.....Continuation: December Quinn
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17 comments:
ROFL at the continuation!
The beginning is confusing and a little chaotic. I don't know if that's what you were going for. I was intrigued by the end, but the first paragraph had me going "huh"?
I think the source of the confusion, (at least for me) is that the first word is Shadow. When you see it in the sentence, you just assume that it's the word "shadow", and that's confusing. If you had Shadow, with a capital, in the middle of a sentence, it would alert the reader that it was a used here as a name. Also, you use "they" in the first sentence when you have only presented Shadow. How about, Owen and Shadow quit struggling when they got past the boat.
OMG! The continuation is a *HOOT*
Kitten - Owen isn't struggling. He's carrying Shadow, who's struggling.
I thought it was pretty clear that Shadow is someone who's being carried. What's not working, in my opinion, is that this is another case of wanting to blend in lots of information and colour seamlessly. I would just have it as
Shadow quit struggling once they got past the boat. Owen set him back down on the dock and scratched him behind the ears briefly. He didn't want to carry the seventy-pound dog any further than he had to.
He didn't blame Shadow for balking earlier, though. Owen had half-longed to plant himself on the concrete and whimper like him, but he had to get further away.
The smell ought to have faded by now. He stood, inhaling a warm soup of Texas Gulf Coast humidity, diesel exhaust and the almost-visible stink of rotting fish. Anything beyond that, this far from the boat, had to be a memory stuck in his nose. He tried breathing through his mouth instead.
I really don't think we need to know the breed or that Shadow is Leon's dog, not Owen's. And the bait bucket is cute but superfluous. Owen wouldn't trip over it while setting the dog down, anyway.
If I picked up this book at all, I'd probably keep reading, but it seems to be a mystery, so I probably wouldn't pick it up on a store shelf, where it matters. I'd borrow it from a friend on a bored day. :)
The beginning goes nowhere. What's the story? Owen seems to be running/hiding from something, but if there was any tension to the scene, it got disappated by off-topic ramblings about dogs, whimpering and bad smells.
This needs more focus. Dig out the editing razor and start cutting. I need to know that there's a story and that it's going somewhere. Right now, the details are obscuring the plot.
word veri: olfgadup - all f*cked up? Hmph. I am not!
1. Where are we? While I disagree about needing action in the first 150 words, if I can't tell the setting within the first 150, that's a big problem for me. All I can tell is that there's a dock. They're past "the worst of it" -- well, what is "the worst of it"? I can't even tell if they just got to the dock via water or land.
2. "tripping himself" sounds weird.
3. Some description isn't bad. The fact that it's Leon's dog might even be important. Who knows. But "he figured seventy pounds of muscle and bone, split about equally between Black Lab and Great Dane" is a bit much. I'd cut that in half or remove it altogether.
4. You're taking way too long to tell us what went on. It comes across that you've tried to start us out in action, but don't want to actually start us when the action occurs. Orson Scott Card dissected a story that starts out in this manner over here:
http://www.hatrack.com/writingclass/lessons/1998-11-17.shtml
Here's the first two paragraphs of what Uncle Orson has to say:
---
I can tell you right now, this story is dead in the water because of this most common and most awful of openings. This is the standard "she drove through the snow, tears flowing down her cheeks, thinking through the events of the past few days" opening that wrecks story after story. At least you have the consolation of knowing that everybody else makes this mistake too.
What you're doing with this kind of opening is: You are forcing us to face the character's raw emotions without giving us any information about the story or any reason to care about the character. It is the opposite of how it has to work. We should not face the emotions until we completely understand the entire situation so that we will feel those emotions ourselves -- and then the character does not have to "tremble badly" and waste our time sitting around while memories "storm" through his mind.
---
I don't know, I think carrying a hurt dog is a good enough hook for an opening. What happened to the dog? What are they trying to get away from?
The problem is, as others have mentioned, you have too many names and no grounding. I had to read it over three times. We've got Shadow, Owen, Leon, a Great Dane and a Lab -- and yeah, I get it now. But give your reader clear, concrete images. Owen carried the dog. Period. Owen can be worried, and we will be worried along with him--about the dog and what he is trying to get away from. Then we will be ready for the dog's name, his breed, Leon, etc etc.
I didn't realize Shadow was a dog at first. I've read so much fantasy, I assumed it was a person. Would calling him "the dog" or "Leon's dog" initially be okay? Unless you are going to make him a POV character, I think you are fine naming him in the third paragraph.
I liked the opening (I'm a sucker for anything with a dog in it, as long as nothing happens to the dog). But I agree there's a little too much description in here.
As another poster suggested, maybe you could describe the dog in more detail (if necessary to the story) in a different paragraph or even in the 2nd chapter. Do we really need to know at the very beginning that he's half Lab and half Great Dane.
I *did* get an idea for his surroundings; inhaling diesel fuel sounds gross, but I'm guessing this takes place in/near oil country in either Louisiana or Mississippi (I'm guessing that because of all the news reports about Hurricane Katrina).
Good luck, author!
~JerseyGirl
verification: bsgas - So I was right!
If it were me, I would start with that Texas Gulf Coast smell -- that's where I perked up.
I can't figure out the sequence of movement.
when they got past suggests motion.
Owen set him back down -- at least a pause.
nearly tripping -- moving again.
He braced on one knee -- stopped again.
Once they were past the worst of it, he figured... -- moving, but jumped back in time to the decision to set the dog down.
he stood -- so, I guess he was stopped?
Is he really stopping and starting like that?
Also, where are they, in relation to the boat?
when they got past the boat sounds fairly close--only just beyond.
this far from the boat sounds much farther.
Other than those issues (and 'tripping himself'), I like your vivid descriptions. It evokes the Gulf Coast very well.
Ditto, anon 3:20. -JTC
If the author wrote "Leon's dog quit struggling", then as soon as Owen appeared, you'd all be going 'who's Owen? I thought the guy's name was Leon!'.
However, I find it hard to believe the guy can carry a Dane cross while it's struggling. Unless he's Superman.
Huh, I think the comments are a bit harsh. Funny, they're all over the map, too.
For my part, I liked this opening but found myself confused or hung up momentarily on a couple of things. The use of "Leon's dog" when Leon hasn't been introduced threw me, and I had to look back to make sure it was Owen doing the carrying. I would prefer "the dog" instead of "Leon's dog." Normally I like the use of names we don't know, letting us in on the fact that we'll get to know them later, but here it was too quick for me.
I don't think you need the dog's breed unless that's somehow critical later. It mostly gets in the way of the sentence. "70 pounds of dog should be able to walk on its own" works for me.
Also, I didn't know where the smell was coming from at first. The dog? The boat? The air in general? Reading further instructs me on that count (the boat), so it doesn't really bother me, but you might consider "the smell from the boat ought to have faded..."
I think this sounds interesting. Someone else suggested it's a detective story, but my first impression is it involves vampires or zombies.
In general, I think this one is pretty good and sort of got the harsh treatment today. But maybe I'm just in a generous mood.
OMG, December Quinn! Great continuation. You picked out the very detail that had me reading the sentence over and over. Perfect.
Writer,
Your writing has a very colloquial feel to it, as if you're narrating the story to someone else. That's the beginning of voice, but it also produces some awkward moments. "nearly tripping himself" sounds as if he is causing himself to trip, when you mean that he himself almost tripped, too.
I half-liked this opening (someone saving a dog from something - a boat explosion?) but there were problems--
Do we have to know that Shadow is Leon's dog? The addition of Leon is distracting.
I was a bit confused about the scene. They're at a dock. Is it concrete? (I thought wooden until the third paragraph.) Are they on the dock? or so far past it that the smell should have faded? I think they're moving, quickly, but the series of images doesn't convey that clearly. Doesn't convey how far they've gone. Or is the start a memory of the very immediate past and now they're far from the dock?
I suggest start at the dock, show the dog balking, Owen wanting to whimper too, move on where Owen nearly trips over the bait bucket, copes with the struggling Shadow, calms the dog, evntually sets him down and then Owen smells the past that should be gone already...And do it all in sequence.
Good luck.
A sqrl prophet, yet.
Author? I liked it muchly... followed it easily and would read this book in a heartbeat.
Remember! Take what critiques you may use, and dont let the nitpicky getcha down.
I understood it. I buy books. Good job!
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