Why you don't get published.
Thursday, September 14, 2006
New Beginning 113
Maestro Agnolo di Lorenzo stepped to within a pace of his intended victim. The blond youth, silverpoint and cartone paper forgotten on the bench, flicked a third pebble at the mastiff sleeping in a patch of sun. Agnolo cocked his weapon to shoulder height and swung.
Sandro, with the speed of youth and guilt, leapt away. The staff landed not on his wool-clad shoulders but his backside, protected only by thin linen drawers. He ran across the kitchen howling, then turned to his master. His clear blue eyes filled with penitent tears, and his lips, perfect as a carved putto's, opened to spill out glib apology. "Master! The dog is a better subject awake--"
Saint Luke, patron of painters, deliver me from the only sons of doting mothers! Agnolo prodded his apprentice's chest with the staff. "There are two hanged men in the Prato. Go and sketch them."
Sandro looked up at him and pouted, that exquisite pout which could melt the gilt off a holy chalice, then ran to do as he was bid.
The hanged men were old news; Sandro's desultory sketches caught the bloated, leaking corpses with their feasting vultures, but could not capture the stench.
Hot breath on the back of his neck told him that his master had followed him. "Sandro," the Maestro whispered, "life is so easily cut short. We must live for the moment."
Sandro agreed. But he'd had enough of the Maestro's staff. It was time to get a girlfriend.
Opening: Batgirl.....Continuation: Kate Thornton
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10 comments:
I had to read this three times to catch what was going on. That's not a good thing.
Examples of confusing areas: "The blond youth" -- at first read, this seems to be describing Agnolo. "silverpoint and cartone paper forgotton on the bench" -- this, at first read, sounds like some sort of bizarre, metaphorical description for the "youth". The mastiff is from out of nowhere (you've just introduced three brand-new "characters" in the first two sentences). Agnolo cocking the weapon -- the closest thing we've heard about a weapon, at this point, is a pebble. Cocking, however, seems to suggest a gun. Swinging is confusing for both a gun and a pebble. What's he swinging at -- the dog? Sandro -- at first read, it sounds like he might be the dog's name -- after all, we just heard about a mastiff being attacked with pebbles, then someone was swinging a weapon.
Do you see the problem? You're referencing objects and people with vague terms before you define them with more concrete terms.
Also, you use way too much character description. "His clear blue eyes", etc.
Sounds like you have a nice, solid concept of the setting, but need to work on the writing.
Think the details are fine, just a little crowded or out of order.
"The silverpoint and cartone paper" is confusing, and "cocked" is a mis-leading stopper - even if the action is clear a phrase or two later.
One case where the writing perhaps should slow down and un-condense.
A nice scene though.
I caught most of the intent - the historical setting, the student loafing, the teacher forced to school rich students, etc. . .
I had trouble with "Agnolo cocked his weapon to shoulder height and swung." because the verb implies gun. Instead of weapon, I would use Switch. The staff mentioned later, is too heavy an image to smack across the nearly bare bottom and have the desired effect. A switch would sting and rouse the indolent lad to semi-action.
A side note, This reads like a very gay love affair between a mentor and his student. I don't know if that's intentional or not. This isn't a judgement, it's merely a statement.
The author should take note that the very first sentence of the continuation is action oriented and explaines the situation. I hope the Author's next sentence hasthe same effect as the continuation.
I didn't bother to read it three times. Once was enough to tell me that I had no clue what was going on and really didn't care.
I think the clause about the paper is out of place in the second sentence.
"The blond youth flicked a third pebble at the mastiff sleeping in a patch of sun. His silverpoint and cartone paper lay forgotten on the bench."
this is much easier to read, and doesn't lose the reader in confusion in the second sentence.
ITA with the PP about "cocked his weapon".
otherwise, I think it is a good opening - has some action, sets the scene and the characters well.
Good luck!
Kate, you're brilliant - that was hilarious!
Thanks for the comments, guys - useful points. I trimmed this down from about 180 words to 150 before sending it, and the original has more description which might clarify the action, such as Agnolo being 'stocky' which would probably make it clearer that he isn't the youth.
rei, that's an interesting point - the mastiff counting as a character, where I kind of took him as setting, like the bench. (PETA will hate me for that).
The word limit makes for a bit of a bind, doesn't it? Put in enough scene-setting to set things up, and nothing happens. Stick to the action and nobody knows what it's about.
I'll go and read the beginnings that made it work.
Thanks again - and yeah, Kate's continuation is hilarious. Write that story!
-Barbara (batgirl)
I found this difficult to read. Some of it was the unfamiliar vocabulary (silverpoint, cartone, putto's).
Most of it was the sentence construction paired with unnecessary adjectives and unclear antecedents. (At first, I thought the blond, should be blonde, youth might be Maestro Agnolo.)
Some was the unhappy repetitions of sounds in unsimilar words/phrases (staff, mastiff).
All of the fancy-shmancy wording made me forget to think about the story being told, which might interest me.
As is, I wouldn't keep reading. If this were simplified a little (and I'm not a dolt, I love Jane Austen, for example, but I just like less ornate writing than this), I'd probably like it.
Now on to read others' comments.
I like the style if not the story line. I say keep on keepin' on. -JTC
I really liked this. It seems to me that the tone and the unusual words which are causing such confusion are what makes the piece interesting and unique. It's not written in standard American cadence using standard American vocabulary: but then it's obviously a European Historical piece. If there were any terms I wasn't quite sure about I'd just hold them in abeyance and wait for the author to explain them to me later on. It reminded me of the beginning of 'The Curse of Chalion' which I love. I'd definitely read on.
isn't it blond for male and blonde for female? or is that only for nouns & not adjectives?
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