Why you don't get published.
Sunday, September 10, 2006
New Beginning 108
There was no violence until the very end of the journey.
For the first half hour, driving southeast out of Trenton on I-195, the Guardian kept both hands on the wheel, arms rigid and back straight, and fought to keep his mind on the dark road ahead. He was able to tune out the quiet hum of the Crown Victoria’s wheels against the pavement and the gentle whisper of air from the dashboard heating vents, but he could not ignore the soft murmur of breath from the unconscious girl on the passenger seat. That sound tickled his ears, heated his blood, and swirled in his gut like opposing swarms of butterflies: white ones born of excitement, black ones born of fear.
There was still time to turn back, he thought. Just barely, there was time. He could return what he had taken, and only he and the girl and God would know. Or . . . if he killed her . . . only he and God would know. The thought churned in his mind like termites: green ones, borne of inspiration. Wait a minute. If he killed the girl and himself . . . only God would know.
Now we're getting somewhere, he thought as the Crown Victoria veered off the road and plunged over a cliff.
Continuation: Kate Thornton
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19 comments:
Rofl at continuation. Every line of that was perfect. It may be a bit premature but I think we have a winner for beginnings 100-200.
The actual opening is pretty good too, BUT it's better without the first line. Unconscious girls in the passenger seats tend to be uncommon enough(surprisingly!) to create tension. You don't need the promise of violence. Also, I agree with the continuation - you're trying too hard with the butterfly thing, and I don't think it's really doing it.
Pretty good, although it's vaguely reminescent of the terminator with "the Guardian" protecting (I think) some girl. Not sure whether that's good or bad.
Agree with Merper, although I'm indifferent on the butterflies.
Ooooh very dramatic. I definitely want to keep reading to see who lives... and find out what happens in the aftermath
the butterflies didn't bother me because i presume the author is trying to convey that the guardian is delusional (e.g. a schizophrenic off their meds). if that's not the correct characterisation then the butterflies are overkill
This is a hard one to call without knowing where it's going. The first sentence is strong, but you need to get back the violence that you've promised us. By the end of the 3rd paragraph tension has given way to impatience and doubt.
"Guardian"( capital G ), arms rigid and back straight, suggests Terminator to me, but the indecisiveness in the next paragraph belies this.
Lose the butterflies and whispering vents. This kind of writing draws too attention to itself and says "inexperienced writer trying to show off."
I'm much more confused than I want to be at this point, but I'm still reading.
What's a Crown Victoria? A car, I suppose, but what kind of car? What's it telling me?
Nah, I like the opening first sentence and all. I think it's very good. I'd read on for sure.
Clever continuation!
I liked this opening-except for "Guardian." I would stop reading normally at that point. [Guardian seems almost cliche--and indicates a genre or type of book I'm generally not inclined to read.] If he had a real name, I'd keep going and enjoy every bit of it.
The writing is well done, but my impression was that the gentlemen had kidnapped the girl? Then he is debating something ominous - probably the murder of the girl? I think we need a bit of something to justify this logic. And if he is a child molester, you've lost me right there because it's not my kind of book no matter how well it's written.
I actually liked the simile of the butterflies, but the choice of butterflies was not right for this setting, they are too gentle. Flies on garbage, perhaps?
Overall, not bad, but I think it suffers from too much telling.
Mckoala--The Crown Victoria is the quintessential cop car. Author, if you aren't trying to make that connection, you might want to choose a different model of car.
A "Crown Victoria?" is a big car, with a big trunk, and big doors.
It's a geezer-mobile...
I think that the first line has to stay. Without it, the opening loses.
IMHO the "but" in the second paragraph requires emphasis. His troubles have to surface a little more and then his doubts for the third paragraph.
I think they are thieves escaping and whatever violence is promised in the first line has to "raise its ugly head"... That's whyt the continuation works - it has action to all this introspection.
McKoala -- Crown Victoria is a kind of a car that is often used (at least, in novels) by cops.
Canadian cops drive the Caprice. Old men in hats drive Crown Victorias.
This is an exellent opener, Author. Thank you, and congratulations.
Writing like this just may convince some to turn off their TVs and actually read.
Well done! (And the continuation was cute too; written by someone else impressed with your style)
The Crown Victoria is the most widely used police car in the US - big, roomy inside for consoles & weapons, large trunk and *big* engine for speed. The Crown Vic model you see on the streets, black & white with a light bar on top, is most likely the "Police Interceptor."
Although a civilian model may be mistaken for a geezer mobile, you'll never make that mistake with the Interceptor, especially if your sight of it is in your rear view mirrow.
The civilian model can ram through a chain link fence, cut off a teenager in a pickup truck, and still bully its way past a Hummer at the drive-through. Uh, not that I actually do any of those things with mine...
Author here. Thanks to all who commented so far. My time at the moment is limited; I'll post a longer reply later, but for the moment wanted to offer the following:
1. This is the opening for 'Within Sight of God', the query for which was sliced-and-diced for 'Face-Lift 163'.
2. The Crown Vic is a geezer-mobile. The man driving it inherited it from his aunt, which is important later in the story.
3. Butterflies in one's stomach are a (cliched) sign of nervousness. In this case, the character is both extremely nervous and conflicted: he believes he is doing something good but he knows most people would view it as evil.
4. He isn't a molester, but others in the story think he is, and for a while at least, I allow the reader to think so. Look back at the query: he isn't the killer but I don't want to say that on page one because it ruins a twist in the plot. I tried not to be blatant either way: I don't try to paint him as too dark because he really isn't, but I also don't hang a sign around his neck saying "Good Guy."
Interesting, Cathy: we were neighbors, until recently. In June, I moved away from Morrisville after 7 years in the area. I'm out in Amish country now.
Will post more later when I have more time.
Again, thanks for all the comments!
[ JRM ]
The continuation totally cracked me up - nice to have a good chuckle like that. I thought this was a strong opening - I liked the first sentence. However, on a second reading I was sort of caught by the bit about being able to tune out the sound of the cars...the way it's written it almost sounds as if he has to work at tuning that stuff out - which normally, most people don't have to, right? Maybe that's nitpicking. Anyway - the butterfly bit distracted me. Yes, author, I know what you were going for, but it was long enough that it took me out of the story for a moment.
NB
kudos on the continuation. Laugh out loud funny.
I would ditch the opening sentence. Start with "for the first half hour". Other than that I think it is a pretty good beginning. I might drop "on I-195" too, unless it is important. "driving southeast out of Trenton" is descriptive enough, and adding the freeway seems almost too descriptive. It isn't adding anything (that I can see), and serves to make the sentence longer when you are trying to draw the reader into your story.
Finally, I suggest just going with "whisper of air" and not "gentle whisper of air". I think most whispers are somewhat gentle, and it seems like over-description to me.
The continuation is utterly brilliant.
The writing in the opening is very good. Lots of reasons to keep reading, except that this guy is rather creepy and I'm not sure I want to know sort of violence is waiting at the end of the journey.
Author, based on what you say you ar eplanning, I'd recommend caution about "lies" to the reader. Don't mislead, instead say the truth in such a way the reader interprets the information incorrectly. Red herrings I guess you'd call them. This would be tricky. But I think it would be an effective technique. If you blatantly feed them wrong info, you're going to annoy them.
And I knew why you picked butterflies. It still doesn't work, though.
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