Why you don't get published.
Monday, September 04, 2006
New Beginning 102
"I’m sorry. I know it's late, but I just have to get a really unique costume for tonight," Larry barged into the store, half-apologizing to the back of a clerk's head. It was nearly 7 PM on Halloween no less and here he was, a grown man, begging a store clerk for a costume. The clerk looked to be about twenty-five years old, blond, pierced and grungy.
"How unique?" the clerk asked yawning as he turned to face Larry.
"Very unique, my new boss demanded that I show up at his costume party and it has to be a unique costume, nothing off the rack, he said, nothing off the rack," Larry said knowing the impossibility of the task.
"…only 5 minutes to closing time, you’re early," the clerk sneered a little. His green eyes flashed at Larry's like stoplights.
"Yeah! I know how frantic and desperate this sounds," Larry smiled his most embarrassed smile at the clerk.
"I think I know what you need," the man said. "Let me lock up; you'll be my last customer."
"What is it?" Larry asked as he waited.
The clerk smiled. "You're just the right size," he said. "How would you like to go as a vampire?"
"I . . . don't think so," Larry answered. "Half the people there'll probably be wearing vampire costumes."
"Who said anything about a costume?" the clerk said, closing the blinds.
Opening: Dave.....Continuation: Evil Editor
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23 comments:
I don't know that there was anything wrong with this per se, but I did find "green eyes flashed like stoplights" snortingly funny.
Doesn't quite work, does it, ello?
I don't think the dialogue tag needs to include "apologising". We can see from the dialogue that Larry is apologising. This opening does however tell us quite a lot about Larry in a small space. Try to have more confidence in your ability to "show" the reader what you want to get across, and curb the impulse to tell it as well, just in case they didn't get it the first time.
I know this probably won't bother anyone else, but it drives me up the wall when people talk about degrees of uniqueness ("really unique," for example). If something is unique, then it's one of a kind. I'm less likely to read on if it's thrown together with a bunch of adverbs.
That said, I think the continuation is brilliant.
I think the continuation should be the actual continuation. It fit perfectly and would make a great beginning to a story. -JTC
I forgive things like that in dialogue, Kate.
I agree with Buffy.
You don't need the 2x4 to make sure we "get it."
I itch to get out the scissors and trim this! To me it sounds too repetitive. After asking the clerk for a really unique (argh! see kate's comment) costume, the author then tells us in the very next sentence that Larry is begging a store clerk for a costume.
Then we have an exchange in which the word "unique" is used three more times. Less is more. We don't need to hear this, or hear about the "impossibility of the task." If you need to keep "nothing off the rack" it could be included in Larry's original request or in later discussion.
I suggest the clerk respond with a comment about the time, and Larry could shrug and respond with a brief explanation. "My boss." Then carry on with the story.
I agree with the other commentators that "Stoplights" is jarring. I think of a stop light as red.
[quote]"I’m sorry. I know it's late, but I just have to get a really unique costume for tonight," Larry barged into the store, half-apologizing to the back of a clerk's head.[/quote]
Yeouch. Where to start.
1) "Really unique" -- as opposed to only partially unique?
2) "Barging" isn't a way to talk; that's like saying "Hello," John jumped.
3) You don't have to couch everything, such as "half apologized."
4) It's obvious that he's "half-apologizing", so you ought to omit it altogether.
[quote]The clerk looked to be about twenty-five years old, blond, pierced and grungy.[/quote]
I'd drop half of these details, and merge the rest into other sentences. Also, this seems slightly out of place, as he's already looking at the clerk.
I'd go with something like "begging some grungy, pierced kid for a costume."
Skipping over the discussion of various levels of "uniqueness".
[quote]"Very unique, my new boss demanded that I show up at his costume party and it has to be a unique costume, nothing off the rack, he said, nothing off the rack," Larry said knowing the impossibility of the task.[/quote]
Another trainwreck of a sentence -- comma splices, way too long, ambiguity at points with who is speaking, etc. It almost seems like you used so many commas to create this behemoth that you felt you had to omit one where it mattered ("Larry said, knowing")
[quote]"…only 5 minutes to closing time, you’re early," the clerk sneered a little.[/quote]
Sneered a little? Again with the couched words. If sneered is too strong of a verb, then choose a weaker verb.
[quote]His green eyes flashed at Larry's like stoplights.[/quote]
Some people will like this, others won't.
[quote]"Yeah! I know how frantic and desperate this sounds," Larry smiled his most embarrassed smile at the clerk.[/quote]
Ah, so instead of barging words, now he's smiling words. What a neat trick.
I think the real issue here is that nothing at all grabs me. Not the writing, not the situation, not the characters. Something interesting needs to happen fast or you're going to lose your audience - or at least me.
DO you guys think that the clerk is really bitchy or just sarcastic?
Author speaking:
I wanted to create Larry as an apologetic, milquetoast stooge out to suck up to the boss in any way he could.
It's like the boss demanded he get a "really unigue costume that looks great" in the most officious voice he ever heard and then Larry, like the obedient little sycophant is here five minutes before store closing.
I over did it, huh?
I would cut the last two paragraphs. They are just repeating what has already been established - it is almost closing time, and Larry is sorry and embarrassed, and knows he is in trouble. Just tighten up a bit and get on with it.
The unique costume is interesting, and I would keep reading a little bit to see what happens.
I looked at the first sentence, saw the author didn't know how to format dialogue, and stopped right there.
I'm intrigued, but think you may be starting the story a little too soon. How about starting it with Larry looking at himself in his duck costume, or whatever, and saying "I look ridiculous." Then the clerk can look at his watch and say something snotty about how beggers can't be choosers. Then when Larry says something about his boss, the clerk can say "Yeah, you told me, crazy boss, wants you in costume, no warning, do you want the costume or not?"
That way you've given the backstory, but it's showing, not telling, and it makes Larry, his crazy boss, and his situation more interesting.
Unless the clark really is a vampire, of course.
JMO.
"I’m sorry. I know it's late, but I just have to get a really unique costume for tonight," Larry barged into the store, half-apologizing to the back of a clerk's head.
It is:
"I'm sorry. I know it's late, but I just have to get a really unique costume for tonight." Larry barged into the store, half-apologizing to the back of a clerk's head.
or "I'm sorry. I know it's late, but I just have to get a really unique costume for tonight," Larry said, barging into the store...
The first example is a little more active.
However,
You used the word "just." Editors do not like that word, so I'm told.
Also, the only thing interesting in this beginning is the continuation.
Slow it down. You're trying to be too fast-paced and there's not discernable voice here.
Try again and repost.
I hear EE's dislike is for "quite".
Sure, "really unique" and many other phrases are annoying, but they are also frequently used in conversation. I think it's a bit ridiculous to condemn a novel for accurately reflecting the way people talk.
I saw the continuation coming; it's pretty similar to a Buffy episode from Season 2. I have Buffy on the brain lately, though.
It was nearly 7 PM on Halloween no less and here he was, a grown man, begging a store clerk for a costume.
This sentence has a dependent clause, "on Halloween no less", which requires some kind of punctuation to set it off from the sentence it interrupts. If you want to keep both the thrust and syntax of this sentence intact, use paired commas, parentheses, or em-dashes around the clause, and maybe a comma after "Halloween". (The same thing happens later in "the clerk asked yawning as he turned to face Larry" and "Larry said knowing the impossibility of the task." These require commas after "asked" and "said".)
Also, in "here he was, a grown man, begging a store clerk for a costume," the emphasis is incredulous, just like "on Halloween no less". This is too much incredulity for one sentence to handle. Not only was he looking for a costume late on Halloween night (gulp!), he was... a grown man begging a virile young store clerk for help! (double gulp!) Not just in this sentence, but elsewhere in the opening, maybe it would help to separate all these thoughts into more sentences or spread them more evenly across all the scene.
"Yeah! I know how frantic and desperate this sounds," Larry smiled his most embarrassed smile at the clerk.
This too was laying it on thick. Author, I think you're right that, as I would put it, the details are too unsubtle.
"…only 5 minutes to closing time, you’re early," the clerk sneered a little. His green eyes flashed at Larry's like stoplights.
By which you mean that they changed colors from red or to amber? Or they pulsed in endless metronomic rhythm? Maybe you could extend the metaphor with more detail about the kind of stoplights or flashing you are referring to. Then again, maybe not.
I know the clerk's words say "Stop!", but his eyes say "Go, go, go!"
or "I'm sorry. I know it's late, but I just have to get a really unique costume for tonight," Larry said, barging into the store...
or even: "I'm sorry," Larry said, barging into the store. "I know it's late, but I need something really unique."
Really. It's a costume shop. Larry knows that. The clerk knows that. The only reason for Larry to tell the clerk he's there for a costume is because he's really telling us.
Then you need something like: He glanced across the racks of costumes at the clock on the back wall. 6:55. Talk about last minute.
You don't have to spell everything out in block letters. Do that, and your readers are going to think you think they're stupid.
Dan -
Consider the continuation. The Clerk is a vampire and his voice says yes, yes, stay and become a vampire. While his eye say run away, run away, I'm going to drink your blood. Don't be a wus. Don't suck up to your boss.
Perhaps, "his (no color) eyes should flash like stoplights" is better.
I'd cut all the black paragraphs and leave the blue ones. That's were the action gets in. Also, I first read only the blue words, and was hooked. Then I looked at the black ones and wondered: what are those doing there? They're not really needed at all.
This was okay. It didn't engage me much and I didn't like "green eyes..." because stop is red and green is go, so this analogy seemed all tangled up.
I didn't like the dialogue tags either. "knowing the impossibiity of the task" "sneered" "most embarrassing smile"--none of this is necessary or helpful, just weak additions to prop up what should be carrying the weight of the scene-the dialogue.
I thought the continuation was spot-on-just where this is likely to go.
And it was this predictability, along with the repetitions in the writing, that bored me. Unless something very different happens in the next few paragraphs, I wouldn't keep reading.
jmho.
good luck, author.
There are a lot of problems here, but this kind of opening could still work, illiteracies and all, if Larry weren't such a wimp/weasel.
Suppose Larry is ( or pretends to be ) a Sopranos-style junior wiseguy. Then there would be tension galore and the threat of violence from the first syllable.
I'm with everyone on the green stoplights thing. For the rest, I don't have particular feelings either way about the style, except that you said "milquetoast." That ought to be worth something.
What I don't like is that I don't care. The guy needs a cool Halloween costume at the last minute. Um, so what? Is that the wildest thing that's happened to him all day? I bet not. So it's probably not the best place to start. Also I just read recently The Nanny Diaries, so I'm all good for "my boss is making me wear a stupid costume" scenes for a little while.
Basically after reading your beginning, I feel like I have no information about your writing abilities at all - style, plot, anything. Except that you know the word "milquetoast." If you can do something more memorable, unique, and dramatic, start with that. If you can't, well, I guess then I wouldn't read you.
Good luck. :)
The continuation pulled me in.
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