Face-Lift 198

Guess the Plot

Amethyst

1. When the Smith triplets were born, their parents were expecting twins. Little Pearl and Ruby had no trouble in school, but Amethyst spent her childhood in speech therapy.

2. A girl born at midnight on the cusp of Aquarius and Pisces realizes that in her hands, her birth stone has the power to heal... even to restore life.

3. Magical gems are a dime a dozen in Caer Columbine. When a young page boy finds a rare, normal amethyst, the kingdom erupts as everyone tries to get their hands on the precious stone.

4. The theft of the ancient Amethyst was the darkest hour in the history of Perdonia. So far. Now the prosperous nation is in danger of being enslaved by demons.

5. This generational saga follows a clan of violet-eyed romance heroines from the Scottish Highlands to Boston's High Society.

6. They ruined her life with an unpronounceable name. Now Amethyst Themister is out for revenge on her parents, Thumbelina and Thurmondsly Themister.


Original Version

Dear Secret Agent,

I met Other Secret Agent at Secret Conference in August, [What is this, a query letter from Tonto?] and he said that you might be interested in my work. [Of course he was probably just trying to get rid of me, but . . . ] (Good news, since I was planning to query you!) Enclosed is this first chapter of Amethyst, the 100,000 word first novel in my fantasy series.

Reclusive Grace O'Toole never expected to find herself crammed in a closet with outgoing Daniel Larke, eavesdropping on her father's killers. [Why not? Because she's reclusive? Because she's claustrophobic? Or because no one in the world would ever expect this? If the latter, it seems kind of obvious that Grace never expected it, and not worth mentioning.] But that's what happens when a mysterious letter lures them both to room 309 at Maurland Institute. [The letter said,

Dear Grace,

Come to room 309 at Maurland Institute. Get into the closet. You should find the experience highly enlightening.

P.S. You may bring a friend.]

Now, Grace has a chance to win back her family's honor [By doing what?] and end the disgrace that's hung over her for most of her life--her father's failure to keep Perdonia's most valued artifact from thieves. But this theft wasn't about the ancient Amethyst at all, they find out, and as Grace and Daniel hunt for the thieves' real plans, [They're not so much hunting for plans as investigating the thieves' true objective.] they discover a conspiracy that will plunge their prosperous nation into slavery under a demonic regime... unless something is done to stop it.

I'm a member of two critique groups, one in my community and one online, have attended several writing workshops, seminars, classes, and conferences, and I also read your blog. (In case you're wondering, my username is "Username.") [Insofar as anyone can join or attend or read these things, it might be better to devote the space to your book, assuming you can think of something else to say about it.] If you're interested in seeing a partial or my completed manuscript, please let me know. I also have synopses of the other titles in the series, and a sample chapter of the second book[, Diamond, in which demonic slavers force Grace and Daniel to continually watch movies starring Lou Diamond Phillips.]

Thanks for your time!


Notes

Except for the word "demonic," it doesn't sound like a fantasy at all. It wouldn't hurt to emphasize and expand on the fantastical elements if you're selling a fantasy.

It seems odd that thieves would steal the amethyst and then do nothing for most of Grace's life, and then spring their plot. What have they been waiting for?