Why you don't get published.
Friday, September 15, 2006
Face-Lift 188
Guess the Plot
Lifeliner
1. Cosmetics magnate Henrietta Plugwell invents permanent eyeliner in 1960. But the following decades throw her into turmoil as fashions change, until a weeping Tammy Faye gives her the key to dissolving her invention - tears.
2. Terminally ill Sophie Pucker finds romance and danger aboard the state-of-the-art cruise liner/hospital ship/floating organ bank, Lifeliner.
3. Judy is the world's first "lifeliner," a person who can never eat. She helps organize other lifeliners, and throws barbecues for them.
4. Tracey gets a job at the local Goodwill, where she's slowly going out of her mind selling used up clothes to even more used up people--until she meets Jason, a destitute junkie who sets her heart on fire.
5. Make-up artist Fanny Rogers goes on a road trip to find her long-lost father, trailed by an ex-boyfriend and a midget vampire. Along the way she meets kooky characters, and learns to appreciate what she has, instead of pining for what she can't have.
6. Cordelia Brumpt has made a killing on Jeopardy - but will she know how to get all the way through Who Wants to be a Millionaire?
Original Version
Dear Agent,
No guts. The surgeons had cut out the gangrenous intestines, exposing the young mother to starvation. With her husband devastated at the news, her children bewildered, Judy Ellis Taylor drew on her courage and determined to live. Her new physician, a brash young immigrant, agreed to champion her cause. Dr. Khursheed N. Jeejeebhoy (Jeej) dared to keep her alive by using an untried technique of artificial feeding, called "Total Parenteral Nutrition" or TPN. And then he taught her how to use it herself. With these new skills, Judy embarked on a new and active life. [As a brash young immigrant physician.]
Judy was the first person in the world to live without ever eating one morsel of food. [Ever?] And Jeej was the Canadian physician who made it happen. Like Banting and Best before them, this pioneering duo made medical history. As time went on, Judy and Jeej continued to make firsts: her willingness to be a guinea pig helped him discover the role various nutrients, like chromium and zinc, play in the human body. One Christmas she gave him JJ, a substitute guinea pig to work on while she took a break. [Not clear what that means. Who is JJ, and how can she give JJ to Jeej?] [It sounds like JJ's their child, but their child wouldn't be a guinea pig. Maybe JJ's an actual guinea pig.] [Here's another first: two characters with six letters total in their names, and four of them are "J"s.] Her warm spirit helped others accept TPN into their lives. Called "Lifeliners," they relied on Judy to help them through severe infections or to organize them to fight for their health rights. In Bobcaygeon, [Ontario, (for those few of your readers who never heard of it, and wonder if Bobcaygeon is a spiritual state you enter when you haven't eaten in six years, and the neighbors have chicken on the outdoor grill.] she helped bereaved neighbours work through their grief and led the town's children in 4-H. She held barbecues for her doctors, nurses, and fellow Lifeliners every year. [Did she have no compassion? Did she truly believe her fellow lifeliners wanted to sit around watching other people eat ribs?] And every evening, she cooked dinner for her entire family, even though she could not touch a morsel. The Oley Foundation in the US recognized Judy's courage many years later by awarding her the first LifelineLetter Award, named after all those who live on TPN, their lifeline.
"Lifeliner" will comfort those experiencing TPN for the first time, whether they have cancer, AIDS, or bowel disease, and inspire the rest of us around the globe, as we face our own challenges.
I would be happy to send sample chapters or the full manuscript for your consideration. Thank you for your time.
Cordially yours,
Notes
The main problem here is that the reader isn't sure whether this is a biography or a novel or a nonfiction book about TPN. The first paragraph sounds like fiction, then it could be fiction or nonfiction, then you get to the Oley Foundation, and it becomes nonfiction. If it's all true, I'd mention that up front. Or at least somewhere.
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13 comments:
Please, please, please... start out with an opening something like "Lifeliner is the heartwarming and uplifting real life story of Name, who due to ilness was unable to eat for years." Or whatever version of that makes you feel warm and fuzzy.
I almost thought it was satire or a strange, bizarre horror novel (and even feeling that way makes me ashamed).
I like my plot summaries in present tense. Maybe it's just a personal thing.
"Judy Ellis Taylor" gets no relevant Google hits.
The Oley Foundation is real, as is TPN. There is an annual award, and a Dr. Jeejeebhoy, who co-authored a 1977 paper where he observed a then-40-year-old white woman TPN patient. All news to me. So is it real or a species of historical fiction? I dunno.
I think it's an interesting story. If it's non-fiction, does the author have any relationship to Judy Ellis Taylor or Dr. Jeej? A unique personal perspective, relevant expertise, both, or neither?
I had the same feeling that Dave had. I wasn't sure if this was going to be inspired fiction or informative non-fiction.
We can all use a little awareness, but you'd better package it so people will be willing to read it.
Otherwise, make it into an inspiring short story and sell it to a national magazine.
I'm going through the same struggle with my own WIP. Some would not read it because it awakens old pain, and others might read it to gain perspective and, hopefully, a little hope.
Oh, and I'd love to take #4 and run with it!
All I can say is, if I couldn't eat another morsel for the rest of my life, I'd get a gun. And start blowing things apart, possibly myself, too. That's hypothetical, but this character has got to have some emotional response to this problem. Doesn't she? Or is she just a "hero?"
She is an inspiration to us all.
Not my kind of book, exactly, but I haven't read the biographies of the Presidents either.
You mention Banting and Best, but if you're subbing this as general non-fiction, you might want to explain who they are.
Also, how about a time period -- 70s, 80s, 90s?
My biggest complaint is that you don't give enough background to establish yourself as either a medical expert or an expert on Judy's life, so I can't feel like I'd read this for the dry factual information. And you don't give enough emotional appeal to make me want to read it for a good cry or to feel uplifted.
Personally, I think your biggest hook is hidden at the bottom -- the mother cooking a dinner for her family that she can't eat.
Good luck
I drove through Bobcaygeon on the way to the cottage last month. The Tragically Hip have a song about it. Not the drive, the town.
My husband decided it was boring so we turned around and drove through Coboconk instead.
The Kawarthas are beautiful. I suggest you check it out. Lakes everywhere!
I just wanted to add in that I thought this was fiction as well - scifi actually - until the end. So if it is non-fiction, don't just add a statement that says so at the beginning. Instead, rewrite the whole query as a non-fiction pitch in which your platform and all the rest are presented. Good luck!
Wait, this is nonfiction? I thought it was science fiction up until the last paragraph, which confused me greatly.
After the first paragraph, not having heard of this medical situation, I figured this was a paranormal romance novel about a fictionalized version of the breatharian cult, which I had heard of.
In other words, dittos to everyone who suggested it needs a clear label right up front.
I was assuming this was a novel in the vein of The Time Traveler's Wife - in the use of an absurd, sci-fi, medical condition to explore the human condition. I had no idea TPN was something real.
I agree with the other reviewers. Whether this is a true story or not needs to be made clear right at the top.
Author here...
I absolutely love the plots, especially #1.
This is a true story. She was the first person ever to live without eating and only on TPN for the last 20 years of her life. Yeah, I wasn't sure about the JJ reference -- JJ was the name of the guinea pig Judy gave him, she named him after the first letters of their names.
Judy was one of only two lifeliners who could not eat at all. The rest could eat tiny morsels, at well-timed intervals. Yes, it was very strange them being totally cool around food. But then Jeej made that part of their in-hospital treatment, to learn how to be around people eating. Also Judy seemed to take a perverse pleasure in watching.
I'll rewrite my opening to make it clear that it's a true story. (dave don't be ashamed -- Judy was a jokester with a wicked sense of humour. She would've howled at the way you and several of the others saw it.)
cathy, long-term, at-home TPN was created for Judy in 1970. The thing that Toronto had over many centres was that they helped people adjust well to TPN. Judy spoke to people all over the world to help them overcome their fear and loathing of it. I HOPE this book will do the same.
xiqay, the challenge for me was to gather a complete picture of her because people only wanted to tell me about her hero qualities. She was unusual in that she always, always had a smile on her face. Still, she felt anger and anguish.
I have a non-fiction book proposal that goes with the letter, but I get your point about making it crystal clear upfront. As to my creds, I'm the daughter of Jeej and met Judy at one of those BBQs and elsewhere too. I also have some scientific background, enough to write on it anyway!
Thank you all for your great comments! And a special thank you to evileditor for posting it and picking it apart!!
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