Why you don't get published.
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
Face-Lift 179
Guess the Plot
The Dork Squad
1. The story of retail midget Pretty-Good Purchase's unsuccessful venture into computer support services.
2. 13-year old Mattie, a dork with no pubic hair and a MILF for a mom, joins with his dork friends to strike it rich in the dog excrement removal business.
3. Someone is accosting the girls at Caltech. Can freshman Ollie Blotz organize his squad in time to stop another incident?
4. Dyslexic geekboy Hubert Pipple thinks he's about to meet his favorite superhero, The Dark Squid. Boy, is he in for a surprise!
5. After their school is named "America's Most Uncool High School," Tiffany, Amber, and Josh take matters into their own hands--and one by one the dorks begin to disappear.
6. Officer Jimmy Buck always referred to his high school ride-alongs as the "Dork Squad"--until one four-eyed math whiz kid solves a murder and saves four lives... including Jimmy's.
Original Version
Dear Evil Editor:
As a mother to three boys, I realize how difficult it can be to get them to read. Heck, it's hard enough to get my teenager to talk to me most of the time. [One word: cocaine. You won't be able to shut him up.]
I hope you will consider representing my Middle Grade novel for boys aged 10 and up entitled: “The Dork Squad.”
Mattie is a skinny geek with braces, but he doesn’t mind. He does mind that his successful, but workaholic mother is a MILF. [I hope you mean she's a member of the Moro Islamic Liberation Front, because a lot of parents aren't gonna want to have to explain the other meaning to their ten-year-olds. And yes, I'm aware there are plenty of ten-year-olds who would have to explain this to their parents, but how many publishers want to risk the wrath that might descend upon them when they put out a fiction book for kids with "MILF" in it?] His father abandoned him for a new family in Seattle, and he can’t seem to grow any pubic hair,
[Dear Agent,
I'm seeking representation for a middle school soft porn novel. Mattie can't grow pubic hair, so his MILF mom lets him tag along to her bikini wax appointment so he can see that it's better to be bare. I call the book Muffless in Seattle.]
even though he is thirteen—going on fourteen.
Jake is Mattie’s long time friend who lives across the street. With a mother who works nights at Kmart [Next time I'm complaining about my job, remind that I could be working the night shift at K-mart.] and a teenage sister who is always on the phone, Jake doesn’t know where he fits in. An abrasive attitude hides the pain of the sudden loss of his dad to a heart attack the year before.
Trevor is the new kid in the neighborhood. Although his dad, a former college football player is overbearing, and he is cursed with twin little brothers, [Dad is cursed?] Trevor’s mom makes sure life is relatively normal.
Mattie and Jake welcome Trevor to their “dork squad," and instead of wasting the summer waiting for armpit hair to appear, the boys start a doggy doo pick up service, find out how family is fallible, and one of them gets more out their friendship than he ever thought possible. [I hope you don't mean one of them gets a romp in the sack with Mattie's mom. Though that would explain why you think the book will help get 10-year-old boys to read.]
I am a freelance writer with a BA in English. My poetry has been published in The Colorado Poet, The Crucible, Progenitor, and Soundings. I am a member of the SCBWI and the Lighthouse Writer’s Workshop.
“The Dork Squad” is complete at approximately 20,500 words. [The only way a book that short will have a readable spine is if it's loaded with pictures. I suggest an extensive photo gallery of Mattie's Mom. You may not get the audience you're looking for, but sales are sales.] May I send a copy of the manuscript for your perusal? Thank you for your time and consideration.
Yours truly,
Notes
This is a list of facts about your characters. There's nothing about what happens. Does the Dork Squad have any interesting adventures? Or is it all about the life lessons learned in a summer of cleaning up after dogs? More plot, please. Or at least some plot.
For those who were wondering how EE knew what MILF meant, I was searching Ebay for Family Guy DVD's several years ago, and kept coming across this poster. Naturally I had to research the acronym. My guess is, Mattie's mom has nothing on Lois Griffin.
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36 comments:
OK, I give. What's MILF?
Don't you know how to Google?
I'm afraid of where that might take me...
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Milf
Thanks, EE. This place is nothing if not educational.
I really wanted it to be fake plot number 6, but this was the one I thought likely to be the real deal.
I'm clueless and don't know what a MILF is (and EE--where I live the newspapers use MILF for Moro Islamic Liberation Front, so I laughed at your cleverness!).
And I thought Mattie was a girl's name (poor boy).
I'm also not thrilled with the title--it's cute, but I can see a lot of dorky boys avoiding it like the plague and not many cool or jock boys or others rushing to read it.
And as for the query, I didn't like the opening much. Anyone writing for mid-grade wants to hit a wide audience, including boys. Lamenting that your sons don't read enough isn't inspiring me to believe in your writing capability and doesn't tell me anything about the real market for your novel.
Just some thoughts.
Good luck.
Reading through the dictionary (as one does), I found 'Onagra - an old name for Oenothera' which creased me up. I know, sad.
Showed the entry to my son and then had an OMG moment as I saw the definition for the next word: Onanism.
Exactly the same reaction when I googled MILF. Author, heed EE's advice and spell out what you mean.
Not sure if stories about pubic hair and doggie bagging would appeal to 10 yr olds.
Whew! That was painful. Rather have a root canal than submit to Evil Editor again! Sheesh.
Whoa, now. As a former children's librarian, I can assure you that pubic hair in middle-grade books for boys is not a reason not to publish it.
I do agree that MILF in the non-Moro Liberation context is probably pushing it for middle-grade, but not necessarily for teen books (which do contain sex--and are often banned). (Keep in mind that kids typically read about kids a few years older than they are--and not about kids that are younger.)
For the author, I would suggest replacing MILF with something like hottie, if that's what you're going for. Even better, a brief scene where your protagonist cringes while a man or fellow tween/teen ogles her. And, you'll have an easier time if it's for teens, if you really want to keep it at a sexual level, not just looking down her shirt or something.
And, for anyone who hasn't read it, I recommend Judy Blume's _Then Again, Maybe I Won't._
Let there be more boy books like _Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret_!
--Kelly
Kelly, Thank you so much. I was starting to feel ill reading all these crazy comments about sex and 10 yo.
The book is SO NOT about the mom AT ALL. It is about 3 almost teens who are trying to figure themselves out without a father's influence and with absent mothers.
Also, what Jake gets at the end of the book is all the money each makes from the dog poo service. The boys give it Jake because his mom struggles financially.
Glad you all got a good joke out of it, though.
About a year ago someone called me that and I had to ask what it meant. It's now burned in my mind forever.
I agree - not for 10 yr olds.
Assuming anonymous 10:11 is the author, clearly she's told us more about the plot in her comment than she did in the query. No need to harp on the MILF and pubic hair any more, she gets the point; leave them out of the query (and, in the case of the former, the book). Future comments should be constructive, clearly it's a real book.
Fwiw, I'm also a member of SCBWI, and I'm sure I'm read something from this book before (I remember the title) -- and it had no references whatsoever to MILF or pubic hair...in fact, I thought it was clever. I'm guessing the book is much better (and more geared to mg age-group than seems here) than the query suggests. Good luck, author!
We have businesses that advertise poop scooping in the business directory of our newspaper. Apparently, business is so good they really clean up!
I think there is a lot of potential in the book myself, once the offensive term is dropped. It's possible that one day MILF will be divorced enough from what it stands for that it won't be offensive, like FUBAR or the sentence "that movie sucked" doesn't make most people's ears turn red anymore. But that time isn't yet, as we can tell from the response here.
That said, I definitely get the potential of some of the ideas presented in the query. I remember distinctly in 7th grade at the age of 10 for me looking at a girl in class and for the first time feeling something that freaked me out. Hitting puberty can be really unsettling. So if the boy is beginning to have these weird thoughts about icky girls and sees his friends fawning over his hot mom - well, that's comedy. (And I'm sorry but every boy from 11 up has some friend's mom they think is hot.) Any mom kissing a dad is a major source of embarassment, so I can't imagine what it is like to see her kissing her date good night - or worse, seeing your stupid friends see her kissing her date good night.
Have fun with it and keep trying things out with groups like this so that you can drop things that put people off, like the term, and keep the important things that are funny and moving when done well.
If this is part of the plot,
"The book is SO NOT about the mom AT ALL. It is about 3 almost teens who are trying to figure themselves out without a father's influence and with absent mothers."
Then say so in the letter. A coming of age for boys with "less-than-devoted" fathers and working mothers will work. Every boy struggles with the physical changes in his body.
Twins do mess up the older siblings lives, they draw attention away.
All those elements sound good.
Erm, at the risk of sounding like I should join the dork squad...
"...Reading through the dictionary (as one does..."
Hey! A soul mate! It's dangerous for me to look anything up in the dictionary, as I most often end up spending ages finding all kinds of other words I never knew existed, then forget what I wanted to look up in the first place.
I know, I know, a comment much less exciting than all the public hair and hot moms. Author, i think you've got good ideas going here - stick to it! Just alter terms as suggested.
Anon 7.28 pm: I guessed you meant 'Mothers Internet Lounge + Forum' - the third definition given by Wilkipedia.
Comments here were extreme but honest. Imagine how a 'real life' agent will react. Remember, you'll only have a few seconds to impress, hook 'n land.
Your book may be wonderful but all we notice are the key words in your query - dork, geek, pubic hair, armpit hair and doggie doo - which automatically repel. You need to include the plus side. PPP: put in the positives, please.
I'm sorry but I don't think 10 yr old boys are bothered about puberty issues.
Dear Author,
I've often been forced to describe my book/scene better when harshly critiqued.
The reason everyone reacted the way they did is because that's what you presented--and little else--in the query letter.
Hence, the purpose of this exercise. You know your story. EE does not. We do not. So tell us the important aspects of your story.
I see EE got soft and gave you great advice. I think he loves us struggling authors ;o)
I'm glad someone else mentioned Are You There, God... because, while I agree the query may not be selling the book as well as it should, c'mon--thirty years ago people were shocked and stunned that someone would write a book for 10-13-year-old girls that mentoned developing breasts and starting periods in such graphic terms.
The poo probably makes it a lot more appealing to boys that age, too.
I wasn't lucky enough to have sons so I can't comment much on this, but as the author explained it above it sounds interesting.
It sounds like the story has potential and I think it is a very original idea. I would listen to the Evil Minion's suggestions about the you-know-what (EE said not to mention it any more). -JTC
Re: Are you there God...
I remember reading that book and wondering what the heck the belts were. Still have NEVER seen those belts for the pads...not even in postpartum.
It is kind of dated...still valuable. I loved Judy Blume.
We must, we must, we must increase our bust.
Re: Are you there God...
I read that book last week. What a boring piece of crap. It's amazing the garbage we like when we don't know any better.
This doesn't sound like middle grade to me (and I'm a pubbed author of a middle grade series). MG is for 9-12 y/os. I also have a wild rocker of a 10 y/o son, who would not appreciate reading about a guy "pining for pubes." Your book sounds like something my 14 y/o son would love. Call it YA, which is for 12 and up and you're all set.
Author--
It is about 3 almost teens who are trying to figure themselves out without a father's influence and with absent mothers.
Also, what Jake gets at the end of the book is all the money each makes from the dog poo service. The boys give it Jake because his mom struggles financially.
Now if you put that in a letter...
Whew, thank you people for riding this out with me. Holy crap it was a rough night after the first few icky comments. I felt like I was being being crucified on here-- never again.
EE really is Evil.
Luckily, I have had several requests for partials since submitting to EE a few weeks ago...so I know I am not crazy.
Thanks to your comments: All references to MILF have been changed to hottie. I have reworked the query to target 13 and up (instead of 10 and up), but I have a whole new appreciation for what Judy Blume went through 20 years ago.
BTW, I have do have 3 boys: My 14 yo has read the book since the beginning and LOVES it. He is talking about doing a poo pickup business next summer.
Thanks again.
Bukowski wrote a story called "Some Mother" which appears in Hot Water Music. It deals with a couple of young boys whose friend's mother is a MILF in their view.
Colorado? I liked the book just fine since nothing that boys think, say or do can truely shock me, Write On!
EE? I didnt wonder for a second why you'd know that acronym, for I'm almost positive you are male,
and I know you have a computer. It's axiomatic hehe.
Where I live there is a company, owned I think by Best Buy/Futureshop, called "The Geek Squad". They send techs out in a white VW Beetle painted like a cop car to fix your computer when it chokes on your novel. Too similar, I couldn't get that out of my head.
Colorado Writer...
well done on your success with requests for partials. Can you please post for our info your final query. I see from your blog that the book has been renamed and the age group has changed so I presume you also reworked the query???
We would love to see the submissions that resulted in requests for partials. I'm sure we could all learn from them.
Good luck.
Having no kids, I had to look MILF up too. I was more interested in learning where EE heard about the Moro Islamic whatsahoosit, which question wikipedia answered for me.
The book sounds like it could be good, but the pubic hair thing might not really be a great fixation. dont' boys that age have as tough a time talking about their bodies as girls? And wouldn't they be more worries about, er, size?
Quite honestly I sent 10 query letters as they appeared on EE--resulting in 2 partials, one full and 7 form rejections.
2 personal rejections (with helpful comments, no mention of MILF, pass because of word count) and I haven't heard on the full.
I have sent a 2nd wave of queries (13 more). I had another request for a partial this week with the original letter, but had upped the word count to 25k and changed the title to As If.
The book is the book. I am fiddling with the length.
Since the comments on here: This will be my new query. Of course, I fear I have comma issues, so feel free to help me if you wish.
Please consider representing my young adult novel entitled: As If.
Meet Mattie, a skinny geek with braces. His father abandoned them for a new family in Seattle, his workaholic mother is a called a hottie around the neighborhood, and he can’t seem to grow any armpit hair, even though he is thirteen—going on fourteen. His goals in life are to make enough money to buy an Xbox, and to somehow convince his mom to let him have a dog.
Jake, Mattie’s best friend, lives across the street. With a mother who works nights at Kmart and a teenage sister who is always on the phone, Jake doesn’t know where he fits in. He hides the pain, from the loss of his dad, with an abrasive attitude, but longs for someone to love—mainly a girl named Veronica, but she is way beyond his reach.
Trevor is the new kid on the block. He hates sports with a passion. Cursed with twin brothers and an overbearing dad, who happens to be a former college football player, Trevor’s mom makes sure life, along with their home, is relatively perfect—but Trevor begins to wonders, “Is it too perfect?”
Join these three boys as they start a doggy doo pick up service for the summer and find out how family is fallible. When the boys share the profits from the business, Jake gets more support from their friendship, than he ever thought possible.
I am a freelance writer with a B.A. in English. I am a member of the SCBWI and the Denver Lighthouse Writer’s Workshop.
As If is my debut novel, complete at approximately 25,000 words. May I send a copy of the manuscript for your perusal? Thank you for your time and consideration.
Colorado Author
Hi again Colorado Writer
I approach queries as an executive summary of the book. Looking at it in that light I think that there is too much description of the characters balanced against the description of the plot.
My suggestion:
Meet Mattie, a skinny geek with braces. His father abandoned them for a new family in Seattle [i]delete irrelevant[/i], his workaholic mother is a called a hottie around the neighborhood [i]so? how does that link to the plot or cause him embarrassment or otherwise affect mattie[/i], and he can’t seem to grow any armpit hair, even though he is thirteen—going on fourteen. His goals in life are to make enough money to buy an Xbox, and to somehow convince his mom to let him have a dog.[i]i like this most kids will relate and so will most moms[/i]
Jake, Mattie’s best friend, [lives across the street. With][i]delete, has no bearing on the plot or characters, and replace with "has"[/i] a mother who works nights at Kmart and a teenage sister who is always on the phone, Jake doesn’t know where he fits in [i]wouldn't it be more interesting if he feels like a misfit? you are simply reciting facts about the characters. we need to know how those facts affect the action or the emotions of the characters i.e. the plot[/i]. He hides the pain, from the loss of his dad, with an abrasive attitude, but longs for someone to love—mainly a girl named Veronica, but she is way beyond his reach.
Trevor is the new kid on the block. He hates sports with a passion. Cursed with twin brothers and an overbearing dad, who happens to be a former college football player, Trevor’s mom makes sure life, along with their home, is relatively perfect—but Trevor begins to wonders, “Is it too perfect?” [i]i'd cull most of this. this is backstory[/i]
hope this helps. EE may have some better suggestions. it sounds like you are getting a good hit rate anyway. sounds like you are targeting the right authors and getting enough of a curiosity factor, but i think it can be improved by focusing on the twists/conflicts of the story.
Still sounds as if Trevor's mom is cursed with twin brothers.
Query is better but needs some 'oomph'. Perhaps EE would advise? He's the expert. And not entirely evil. I think.
YA novels are roughly 40,000+ words.
Glad you survived! Good luck.
I moved a few phrases around to eliminate the places that were confusing, and changed some spelling/punctuation; other than that this is the same query. If that's the story, that's the story. If they don't do much together besides pick up doggie doo, that could eventually get dull, so maybe it's better that it's short.
If, however, there's an exciting or hilarious scene that takes place during their workday, you might work it in at the expense of some of the character description.
Thank you, thank you EE, Talia and Stargazer. You guys are going way above and beyond for my (beginning to feel) stupid query. I will work on it further.
EE: Don't give away your throne by being too nice.
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