Why you don't get published.
Saturday, September 02, 2006
Face-Lift 175
Guess the Plot
Christi Bell
1. Christi Bell is the first female football player at Aldore High; and she is good--really good. In fact, some of the second-stringers are starting to say her real name is Christopher Bell.
2. Spunky fourteen-year-old Christi is heartbroken when her family moves from the city to a tiny town in the middle of nowhere. But when she discovers a mysterious group controlling her classmates, she realizes she has bigger problems than the lack of a decent local radio station.
3. Christi is attracted to the guy who rescues her from a fall--until he admits he's been "watching over" her. And she notices the mysterious red scratches on his neck.
4. Christi opens a drive-thru Tex-Mex restaurant in Amarillo, sentimentally naming it after her son Paco. A sign-painter's error makes Christi an overnight success.
5. In a futuristic caste society, Christi finds acceptance among outcast freedom fighters known as the 'Toids, fighting to overthrow the giant conglomerate P.L.A.N.E.T.
6. Cristobel Colombo is on a break-neck journey for Queen Isabella. But a stopover in the Virgin Islands lands him a new wardrobe, a new name and a deeper appreciation of his cabin boys.
Original Version
Poor Christi Bell.
“Christi-Bell, who can tell?” is the chant running through Christi’s mind as she contemplates her crappy day and her even crappier life while standing on a bridge. Who else would perform a back walkover in the middle of the night on the narrow railing of a footbridge thirty feet above a chasm ? And alone in the middle of a secluded park where a killer may lay in wait? [What kind of park has a chasm in its middle?]
[Can I play on the swings, mommy?
Yes, dear, but don't get too close to the chasm.]
[Maybe they should put the monkey bars over the chasm to teach the kids to hang on tight.]
After being rescued from a fall [Into the chasm?] by a bizarrely-dressed stranger whom her friend’s warn may be dangerous, Christi finds herself intrigued by the man. And why not? It’s such a ‘Christi-Bell-ish’ thing to do anyway, isn’t it? [No apostrophe in "friends." I know, I know, it's such an Evil-Editor-ish thing to say, isn't it? ]
After a time, Christi learns her mysterious hero is really a handsome, gentle young man named Brent Ferrance.
He’s kind. He’s adorable. [He's a serial killer.]
And he lives in an ugly trailer that resembles a beat-up toaster. [If you're talking about the knob on the side with settings for light and dark, that's not a trailer, it's a tanning bed.]
And where exactly did those ugly, red scratches on his neck come from?
When Brent admits he’s been watching over Christi for quite some time as sort of an atonement for his part in a terrible incident that destroyed Christi’s life, Christi cannot deal with the truth. Distraught, she sends Brent away. [If you're going to mention a terrible incident that destroyed Christi’s life, would it kill you to give us some details?] [Basically, to atone for destroying her life, he's stalking her.]
Soon after, Christi is heartbroken when her best friends, Gordo and Little, leave Michigan in their ‘zucchini-wagon’ to look for work. [Job-hunting tip: If you come looking for work from Evil Editor, show up in something other than a zucchini wagon.] Then a needy friend named Violet Wilder moves into Christi’s apartment, and although well-meaning, turns out to be a serious pest. Christi is also beginning to realize that her new, rebound boyfriend is still in love with his ex-wife. Lonely and desperate, she decides to re-think her decision about Brent. [Maybe she should rethink her decision about not jumping into the chasm.] Maybe even forgive him.
But how to find him? [Try knocking on the door to his toaster.] Brent once said he retreats to a magical place in rough times. [How very Brent-Ferrance-ish of him.] Maybe, just maybe, she can find him there, if it really exists.
Although my quirky, 90,000-word story, Christi Bell, deals with some tough issues, it’s a load of fun.
May I send you my novel about this lovable young woman who falls for a seeming misfit?
Notes
You haven't conveyed that it's a load of fun. If it's a load of fun, put something in there that shows it.
You also haven't conveyed the book's genre. Is the magical place a magical place? If there's paranormal stuff going on, I'd want to know that up front.
What are these tough issues the book deals with? Whether one should, upon meeting the guy who destroyed one's life, forgive him and start dating him? Whether a playground should be situated around a chasm? Whether it's wrong to reject a man because he lives in a toaster?
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10 comments:
Until the query mentioned her boyfriend's exwife, I thought it was a YA book.
Christy Bell sounds like a whiner to me. Maybe she's not, but that's how she comes across in this query.
A killer may not "lay" in wait. A killer may lie in wait. That's an anonymous-ish thing to say -- but it is still true.
wait, wait, wait - I'm confused.
Am I wrong in this but did Brent cause the trauma that troubles Christi, who at the beginning of the novel is trying to commit suicide on a bridge one night?
That doesn't sound like fun to me. In fact, it sounds awful.
ANd note to EE - Panther Hollow Bridge in Pittsburgh has all the requisite characteristics. I went to college near it, still drive over it periodically. There is a coal mine at the bottom, RR tracks and a new bicycle path to "dahntahn" Pittsburgh
http://pghbridges.com/pittsburghE/0589-4476/pantherhollow.htm
There's a park right near a chasm in Bristol. That is, if you consider a "ledge lots of people commit suicide from by jumping off into the chasm" to be a park.
There's a sign and a little fence there, and people take pictures. So I think it qualifies as a park.
Perhpas it's a December Quinn-ish kind of a park.
The lovely lady, Christabel,
Whom her father loves so well,
What makes her in the wood so late,
A furlong from the castle gate ?
She had dreams all yesternight
Of her own betrothéd knight ;
And she in the midnight wood will pray
For the weal of her lover that's far away.
I don't know if you were going for the reference, but this was all I could think of.
Another correct guess.
Author, I didn't like the title. It doesn't mean anything to me.
And from your query, I don't much like Christi herself. Why should I care about a kid who's doing such stupid, dangerous stuff?
How is she rescued from the fall? Does the guy fly to her? Or prevent the fall? I'm not believing the premise.
Then I get it-there is magic involved. But I don't feel the fun.
I'm also confused about how old Christi is. In the beginning, I think she's young, but then she has an apartment and her boyfriend already has an ex-wife.
Sorry, I didn't much like this query.
I did like the name Violet Wilder.
Good luck.
A killer may not "lay" in wait. A killer may lie in wait.
When "lay" is the past tense of "lie," "lay in wait" is correct. (I lie on my bed now; yesterday, I lay there for hours as I read.)
I'm the original lay/lie commenter. Yeah, of course lay is the past tense of lie, but read the query: "where a killer may lay in wait." Incorrect.
Sorry, I actually hate it when people obsess about these details. I know there are perfectly good writers who can't keep these words straight. Lie/lay is just a pet peeve of mine -- and I think this author is going to need to come across as more professional generally, which includes using the right word. I agree that, if this is really loads of fun, it needs to sound more like loads of fun.
[quote]And where exactly did those ugly, red scratches on his neck come from?[/quote]
And where did all of these paragraph breaks come from?
Anonymous 12:44, I knew what you meant in the lie/lay comment. However, I've found that correcting grammar without explaining the relevant rule leads to later sentences like, "Then he left her and I standing there." Then blood shoots from my eyeballs and gums up my keyboard.
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