Sunday, May 21, 2006

Face-Lift 30


Guess the Plot

Dressed to Kill

1. Fashion designer and amateur sleuth Helena Harkness tries to stop the impeccably dressed "scissors killer" before she can strike again.

2. Cher, Bjork, and Paris Hilton, all murdered in one day. Coincidence? Or the new fashion-conscious terrorist group, The Blackwell Brigade?

3. Almost everyone assumes it's a classic case of food poisoning, until Inspector Flunky proves the stuffing was laced with arsenic.

4. A nightclub owner's plan to have themed costume parties to attract business seems to be working -- until she realizes the vampire "costumes" aren't actually disguises.

5. Jaqueline D'Amore, the most fashionable agent in the FBI, goes undercover to thwart a plot to design a blouse that will strangle the First Lady.

6. One woman's eternal struggle to find the perfect-fitting thong.



It seemed only fitting that Face-Lift XXX (Roman numerals) be an erotic novel.


Original Version

Dear Mr. Editor,

In my 90,000 word erotic paranormal romance novel, DRESSED TO KILL, entrepreneur Sylvie Durand learns the true meaning of security when she’s forced to rely on two vampires on opposite sides of the law, Burke Langton and Dane Kittera, to keep her alive. [That sounds more like the true meaning of insecurity.]

Sylvie must get her failing nightclub, Carpe Nocturne, operating in the black before the utilities are cut off and her credit cards are eaten by an ATM machine. In an act of desperation, she decides to hold weekly themed costume parties to stir up business. [Desperation comes in many degrees. Some people leap from burning buildings in acts of desperation; some people commit armed robbery; Sylvie throws costume parties.] And it seems to be working until she discovers a dead body in her office and learns the vampire “costumes” aren’t exactly disguises. [Actually, if it got out that there were real vampires in the place, business would probably skyrocket. Even if there weren't real vampires, she should have leaked that there were. She calls herself an entrepreneur?]

Burke is on the run. Wrongfully accused of murder, he’s struggling to keep two steps ahead of the Excoluni--the law enforcement arm of the United Magical Nations--[The United what? Sounds like a theme park, sort of Epcot meets Magic Kingdom.] while tracking down the real killer. Unfortunately after the murderer strikes again, this time at Carpe Nocturne, he learns Sylvie is his Origo--his mate. [Why is it unfortunate that he learns she's his Origo?] He also discovers she could be the murderer’s next victim. Now he must find the killer while protecting Sylvie, and he must battle the potent desire she stirs with a mere glance. [This having been described as an XXX novel, one assumes this battle is a lost cause.]

Dane is a high-ranking officer of the Excoluni. [Admit it, you couldn't think of a good name for the cops, so you opened your medicine cabinet, and took the first two letters from the first four things you saw: Ex-Lax, Contac, Lunesta, and Nicoderm.] [Could have been worse, you could have looked in the refrigerator and come up with asparagus, shallots, oleo and escarole.] [Wait a minute, a high-ranking cop is a vampire? Evil Editor would like to have been at that job interview.

Interviewer: I see from your résumé that you kill people and drink their blood on a regular basis.

Dane: Sure, it sounds bad, when you put it that way.

Interviewer: Not at all. You'll be working the street gangs.]

His mission is simple--bring Burke to justice. However, that’s no easy task [Even if I did just say it was simple.] when they share an Origo. [Seems like women would outnumber vampires by enough so that two vampires could each have their own Origo.] [Oh, I get it, some Origos enjoy being shared. Why, Sylvie! You're full of surprises.] Now he must make the impossible [or at least the really, really difficult] choice between the dark hunger driving him to complete the Binding and his commitment to the law. [It's a guy vampire; I think I know which way he'll go.] [Evil Editor knows women find vampires sexy, but still, it doesn't have the same ring to it when they're lying in bed afterwards, smoking a cigarette, and a guy says to his Origo, "Did you complete the Binding?"]

I am a multi-published author of erotic romance fiction, with over twenty novels and novellas published and/or contracted by Independent Publisher and Big House Publishing. Thank you for your time. A complete manuscript is available upon request. I have enclosed a SASE for your response.


Revised Version

Dear Mr. Editor,

In my 90,000 word erotic paranormal romance novel, DRESSED TO KILL, entrepreneur Sylvie Durand learns the true meaning of danger when she’s forced to rely on two vampires, Burke Langton and Dane Kittera, to keep her alive.

Sylvie must get her failing nightclub, Carpe Nocturne, operating in the black before the utilities are cut off and her credit cards are eaten by an ATM machine. To stir up business, she decides to hold weekly themed costume parties. And it seems to be working--until she discovers a dead body in her office and learns the vampire “costumes” aren’t exactly disguises.

Burke is on the run. Wrongfully accused of murder, he’s keeping one step ahead of the Excoluni--the law enforcement arm of the Alliance of Nations--while tracking down the real killer. When the murderer strikes again, this time at Carpe Nocturne, Burke learns Sylvie is his Origo--his mate. He also discovers she could be the murderer’s next victim. Now he must find the killer while protecting Sylvie--and battling the potent desire she stirs within him.

Dane is a high-ranking officer of the Excoluni. His mission is to bring Burke to justice. But that’s no easy task, for the two share an Origo. Dane must choose between the dark hunger driving him to complete the Binding, and his commitment to the law.

I am a multi-published author of erotic romance fiction, with over twenty novels and novellas published and/or contracted by Independent Publisher and Big House Publishing. Thank you for your time. A complete manuscript is available upon request. I have enclosed a SASE for your response.

Notes

Two vampires with one Origo? Evil Editor imagines there's a lot of drooling onto keyboards going on right now.

If Burke isn't guilty, it may not be correct to claim he and Dane are on opposite sides of the law.

The plot seems local, so it's not clear why it involves an international law enforcement agency. Even if there's some sort of Interpol of Paranormal Crime, it seems every city police department would have a vampire hunter or two on staff. I know mine does.

15 comments:

Anonymous said...

Why, Mr E, your department has a vampire hunter? And there I was, assuming, that you have a bunch of vampires, in your employ. Hmmm...

Anonymous said...

'The Origo's Cry' seems more approapriate.

Anonymous said...

So... now we have soon-to-be Viagra popping vampires whispering to their origos, "So did you bind?"

Though I do love the potential havoc when a vamp finds out his origo isn't monogamous.

"Are these MARKS on your neck? What do you mean you're HIS origo too? What's that? A group binding?"

michaelgav said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

Evil Editor knows women find vampires sexy

Not all women, thank you very much. I find one of them suckers (or perhaps drinkers would be the right term) in my bedroom, I'm hauling out the Uzi.

Jenna Black said...

Hey, Michael--I'm glad I'd just finished my cup of coffee before I read your comment. Way to show your careful reading of the Evil Editor's blog!

michaelgav said...

"Two vampires with one Origo?"

"And yet, in the United Magical Nations, it is thus."

karen13 said...

I'd suggest either "The Shared Origo" or "The Origo's Choice" as suitable titles.

I'd also like to suggest that 'origo' is introduced into the Evil Editor's Standard dictionary forthwith. Maybe Michael could edit that. I'd pay to read it!

And btw, thanks for the coffee stain Michael. *glare*

Brenda Bradshaw said...

I'm with (goes to count them) Anon #4. I'm not big on vampires either. I know paranormal is hot right now, and I've pondered writing it, but just can't. It doesn't stir a passion in me at all for some unknown reason. Sometimes I wish it did because the market for it is amazing right now, but eh - gotta be true to yourself, right? *le sigh*

Val Tear said...

Interviewer: I see from your resume that you kill people and drink their blood on a regular basis.
Dane: Sure, it sounds bad, when you put it that way.


Interviewer: Not at all. We want you to cover the White House.

BuffySquirrel said...

Vampires haven't been done to death.

Amra Pajalic said...

You are in fine form Evil Editor. Hysterical.

I think the problem with Vampire books is that it's hard to come up with a new twist. Personally I love Charlaine Harris Sookie Stackhouse series. Funny, irreverent, almost sending up the whole genre, and great writing.

Bernita said...

Origami?

Coffee out my nose said...

Ex-Lax, Contac, Lunesta, and Nicoderm ...

Oh, the poor author! Poor constipated, allergic, addicted insomniac.

When I read that I laughed so hard my husband thought I was having a heart attack.

DAVID THAYER said...

"in the criminal justice system, there are two vampires..."