Face-Lift 26

Guess the Plot

Ascanthia

1. Amy's Mom is horrified to discover she's picked up . . . ascanthia of the anus! Who else had Amy's Dad been with?

2. Acanthia is the hottest nightclub in town, until a shoot-out between rival boy-bands leaves four patrons dead. Ricky, a boy-bander with a heart of gold, struggles to prove his innocence with the help of his greatest fan.

3. A new online video game hypnotizes kids, leading them to believe they can fly. When gravity intrudes and parents complain, the manufacturer enlists the help of the ACLU in defending their rights.

4. It's up to Ken Randall to keep the evil vice president of a nearby city from using a magic gem that could destroy the world known as . . . Ascanthia.

5. In the fantastic jeweled city of Ascanthia, the child-ruler Atrasius must rouse a decadent populace and circumvent a corrupt senate, before the nomad queen Amarantha and her ruthless Askazi tribesmen reach the city's gates.

6. After Ascanthia escapes her dysfunctional and over-educated family by moving to the big city, only to find that her blue-collar workmates are just as messed-up, she parlays her common-sense approach to life into Internet success with the pseudonymous advice blog Ask Anthea.


Original Version

Dear Agent Nameless:

In the world of Ascanthia, all living creatures possess a great power called Energy. However, not all Energy is created equal. Strict regulations are placed on the use of Energy, and different Energies have different levels of respect. [It's always hard to critique these books in which the God-like Author creates a world that isn't governed by the usual natural order.

EE: "You're saying even roaches and toads and barnacles have this great power? That's ridiculous."

GLA: "And yet, in Ascanthia, it is thus."

EE: "Seems like it would be impossible to strictly regulate the use of Energy, when all living creatures have it."

GLA: "And yet, in Ascanthia, it is thus."

EE: "What if a cow misuses its Energy? Do they send it to the slaughterhouse? Do different species regulate their own? Or do people regulate the Energy use of all species? What do you mean by "levels of respect?" People with level 9 Energy respect thumb their noses at people with level 7 Energy respect? Can a healthy possum's Energy have a higher level of respect than a sick human's? If your dog's Energy has a higher respect level than your own, does he--"

GLA: "Asshole." ]

While most people accept these categories without thought, Ken Randall fights against his own label, positive that he is more than people believe. ["4?!! Why, I'm a level 6 on my worst day!"] However, when Ken's life turns upside down, and everything he thought was true becomes false, [For instance, he finds that his world is not called Ascanthia, but Connecticut, that he lives in New Haven, and his name is not Ken Randall, but Gargantua, Lord of the Dark Realm.] his objective changes to save the entirety of Ascanthia. [What is Ascanthia? A planet? A country?]

Ken learns of a mysterious gem, containing the power to steal an individual's Energy, leaving them as a mindless, violent puppet, controlled by the gem's possessor. When rumors appear that the vice president of a nearby city obtained the gem and plans to use it, [This is the threat menacing all of Ascanthia? That some guy is going to steal some other guy's Energy?] [Move the story from Ascanthia to Earth, and you've got the plot of Prison Break.] Ken is asked to stop the danger. [Ken is asked? The entire world is threatened, and they ask a lousy Level 4 Energy respect guy to handle it? They're out of their minds!] [And yet, so it is . . . on Ascanthia.] Knowing this fight could finally prove him as a hero, Ken accepts and begins an epic journey with his best friends to defeat evil. [An epic journey to a nearby city.] breaking into a church and battling a lethal monster in the process. [There's no way a lethal monster could be defeated by a guy named Ken. On Earth or on Ascanthia. Thus it has been professed by Evil Editor.]

I would be pleased to send you a complete copy of my manuscript for Ascanthia (word approx. 54,200) if you would be interested. I am also inquiring at a couple other agencies as well. Thank you for your time, and I look forward to hearing from you.


Evil Editor regrets that he doesn't know enough about Ascanthia to create a useful revised version of the query; however, perhaps the following could be adapted to the Ascanthian universe:

Revised Version

Dear Agent Nameless:

Ken Randall has been a lowly mail clerk in the basement of Ascanthia Corporation's home offices for twenty years. Ken just knows that he deserves to be the head of Shipping and Receiving, but he keeps getting passed over by people whose Education has a higher level of respect. However, when Ken "accidentally" opens a letter marked "Private," intended for the company vice president, and discovers that the vice president is planning a leveraged takeover of Ascanthia Corp., he springs into action. He organizes his fellow mail clerks and makes an epic whistle-blowing journey to the Securities and Exchange Commission, breaking into a brokerage firm and defeating Godzilla in the process. In the end, Ascanthia Corporation is saved, and while Ken remains a lowly mail clerk, he does find a fifty-dollar bonus in his next paycheck.

I would be pleased to send you the complete manuscript (word approx. 54,200). Thank you for your time, and I look forward to hearing from you.