Face-Lift 24

Guess the Plot

Light and Dark in the Desert

1. A dying man is lured into the desert snows by a female golf hustler, and devoured by the mountain lion he killed fifteen years ago.

2. A raging love affair between a Norwegian archeologist and his Ethiopian student at a site in the Sahara. By day they dig, by night they lust over each other’s sweaty, sexy bodies next to the Oasis of the Lowing Camels.

3. Companion volume to "Light and Dark in the Wasteland" and "Light and Dark in the Bug-Infested Humidity of the Southeast" this slim volume is a critical review of theater in Los Angeles.

4. A Gila monster, tired of her young ones arguing over who gets the white meat and who gets the dark, decides to make turkey burgers.

5. In the tradition of Raptor Red comes this tale of warfare between harvester ants and the pallid night-ants who sabotage their nests.

6. A tale of homerotic love between an Arabian prince and a jaded British landscape photographer. Can they throw off the shackles of convention in their desert hideaway?



It has been suggested that commenters, rather than choose "anonymous" as their identity, click on "other." This requires you to think of a name for yourself, which could be a time-consuming process, but not if you simply call yourself Evil Minion #234 or Evil Minion #666. This will help avoid comment exchanges like:

Hey, Anonymous, you're a total buffoon.

Shove it, you egotistical hack.

Not you, Anonymous. The other Anonymous.


Original Version

Dear Literary Agent,

Thank you for considering my suspense novel, Light and Dark in the Desert (83,000 words) for representation.

What would you do if your spouse wanted out of the marriage and you were diagnosed with a fatal illness? [The same thing any clear-thinking person would do--kill myself while making it look like my spouse did it.]

A female golf hustler [Whenever an occupation is preceded by the phrase "a female . . .", it might as well be preceded by the phrase, "the world's only female . . ."] takes Charles MacDougall for a ride, in more ways than two. Within twenty-four hours of traveling from New England to Arizona to play the desert golf courses he's always wanted to play, Charles finds himself with this mysterious woman, on foot in the harsh Navajo landscape, in a snow storm-- [Fortunately he manages to take cover in a Navajo igloo.] being chased by a strange killer (for reasons unknown), a mountain lion, and the ghost of a man he killed fifteen years ago. [Who has been reincarnated as another mountain lion.] Light and Dark in the Desert is a story of the twin curses of violence and guilt, and the power of an altered perspective. [This isn't a comedy? With a female golf hustler, a reincarnated mountain lion, and desert igloos, you're playing it straight?] [Wait a minute, that's it? What about my fatal illness and my traitorous spouse? You draw me in by telling me I'm dying and my wife wants out, and you never mention it again?]

Elevator pitch: A man with a death wish meets a woman with a past and gets more than he bargained for. [Evil Editor is imagining himself alone in an elevator. As the doors close, you leap inside, and immediately get off on the wrong foot by pressing a button for a floor lower than Evil Editor's. Then the conversation goes:

You: "Say, aren't you Evil Editor?"
EE: "No, you must have me confused with--"
You: "Love your column. Listen to this: A man with a death wish meets a woman with a past and gets more than he bargained for."
EE: "I'll have a six-figure, three-book contract in the mail to you tomorrow. And I think I can get Spielberg on board for the film rights."]

[Elevator pitch: A dying man is lured into the desert snows by a female golf hustler, and devoured by the mountain lion he killed fifteen years ago.]

Log line: Think North by Northwest, The Missing, and No Country for Old Men. [Actually, Evil Editor was thinking, One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest.]

Bio omitted. [Thank you.]

Thanks for your time.

Sincerely,


Revised Version

Dear Literary Agent,

Thank you for considering my suspense novel, Light and Dark in the Desert (83,000 words) for representation.

What would you do if your spouse wanted out of the marriage, and you were diagnosed with a fatal illness? Charles MacDougall's answer is to travel from New England to Arizona to play the desert golf courses he's always wanted to play. But within twenty-four hours of his arrival, Charles finds himself on foot in a freak desert snowstorm with golf hustler Stephanie "Birdie Machine" Jackson, being chased by a killer, a mountain lion, and the ghost of a man he killed fifteen years ago. Not exactly the vacation Charles had in mind.

Light and Dark in the Desert is a story of the twin curses of violence and guilt, and the power of an altered perspective.

Thanks for your time.

Sincerely,


Notes

There's certainly room for more information. Whom did he kill fifteen years ago? Is that a real ghost? What do you mean, he "finds himself" with this mysterious woman, on foot in the harsh Navajo landscape, in a snow storm? Did he get knocked out by one of Stephanie's golf shots, and when he regains consciousness, he's running for his life from mountain lions and ghosts? What kind of wife dumps her husband when she finds out he's got six weeks to live? Fill in a few of the holes.

Instead of a female golf hustler, consider making it Michelle Wie.

Being chased across Arizona by a killer and a mountain lion may be a drag, but it's a hell of a lot more pleasant than staying in New England and spending your last months dealing with your wife's divorce lawyer.