Cartoon 389

Caption: anon.

Your caption on the next cartoon! Link in sidebar.

Face-Lift 633

Guess the Plot

Hound in Blood and Black

1. When 5th grader Sindy Snowden arrives for her second day at school everything is really freaky. She soon realizes that's because her teacher opened a portal to a cartoon world and was replaced by Huckleberry Hound.

2. Louie is the last werehound in Nashville. He spends most of his time listening to old Elvis tunes, drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes, brooding over the past. Except, of course, when the moon shines and he goes crazy chasing cats and rabbits. Which is exactly how he meets Elvira, Queen of the Night, a washed-up harlot with a kind heart, who thinks he has a future in show business.

3. Thirteen year old Gwendar has made a terrible mistake; he has insulted the dreaded High King Dreadmost. Dreadmost casts Gwendar into the royal kennel for punishment. There, Gwendar must fight amongst the hounds for his very survival. But Gwendar does more than survive, he rises to become leader of the pack.

4. Her nickname: Hound. Her occupation: zombie poacher. But on this futuristic Earth, zombies aren't killed; they're captured and pitted against each other in gladiatorial combat. When Hound gets bitten by a zombie, will she lose her humanity and be forced to fight other zombies for the entertainment of the rabble?

5. The Hound of the Baskervilles is not dead, merely in hiding. It's going to take all the wits of Dr. Watson's ten-year old descendant, Emma, to deal with this one - and where's Holmes when you really need him? Reincarnated as a rabbit! How is he going to survive this time?

6. When reporter Vali Thorres finds artist Luke Klaus's most vocal critic with his throat ripped out, he follows the blood to one of Klaus's paintings. Before he can call the police, both trail and body vanish. Thorres must find a way to restore Klaus's soul before the creatures he bargained with are unleashed.


Original Version

Dear Agent,

Kumari is a wrangler; a poacher [a puppet, a pirate, a poet,] and a gambler who catches zombies and fights them against one another as gladiators. All she wanted to do was live and die without becoming a monster. [As the rest of the query is in present tense, that sentence may as well be, too.] In a broken Earth populated by undead, slavers, drought and greed, this isn’t as easy as it sounds.

Kumari’s simple life changes from one of survival to something much more complicated [Can a life centered around capturing zombies and pitting them against other zombies in the arena really be called "simple"?] when she wins a girl in a risky gamble – a child-slave desperate to find something to live for in the world Kumari has forsaken – [What is the world Kumari has forsaken?] and is forced to kill her closet friend when he is bitten by an undead. [This wouldn't have happened if her friend had come out of the closet.] When running to a new city in hopes of escaping her pain causes more problems than it solves, Kumari faces the loss of the only thing worth living for when she is infected by a zombie bite: her humanity.

HOUND IN BLOOD AND BLACK, complete at approximately 100,000 words, is science fiction/horror. Kumari’s story explores a new kind of future where existing isn’t just about running from and killing zombies [like it is in most other books about the future], but fighting them against each other in gladiatorial combat – the only way left for mankind to prove to themselves that they aren’t the real monsters.

In January 2009, my short story Savage was published in Monstrous: 20 Tales of Giant Creature Terror by Permuted Press. Recently, Savage was republished in the April 2009 issue of the Apex online magazine. [Now I've expanded it into this novel in hopes of milking it for yet another paycheck.]

Thank you for your consideration,

Author's note (not part of query): The title comes from the following: Kumari's nickname is Hound, black marks are the highest ranking matches for a wrangler to participate in, and the blood refers to how the zombies are prepped for combat (coated in human blood to make them fight each other). [Coated in whose human blood?] When Kumari becomes a gladiator herself, and fights the zombies in the pit, she's no exception. So Hound in Blood and Black refers to Kumari when she fights under black marks, painted in blood.


Notes

There's too much about the world and not enough about the story. No need to tell us it's a world in which zombies fight as gladiators in both the first and third paragraphs. Instead, give us more about the child-slave, who I assume is a major player.

When it takes almost as many words to explain your title as it does to summarize your plot, it's time to find a simpler title.

If the hound in the title is your main character, you might want to refer to her as "Hound" at least once in the query. Of course this action won't be necessary when you change the title to Zombie Gladiators of Lorkha Tau.

On the other hand, you will have to change your setting to Lorkha Tau.

Everyone knows vampire bites turn you into a vampire and zombies eat your brains. This is like writing a book in which sharks solve crimes and detectives eat surfers.

Do zombie fights take place in a coliseum, with wranglers just providing the zombies, or is it more like cockfighting, where the wrangler brings her zombie to some pit in the boondocks where people gamble on fights?

Do zombie gladiators need swords? Can't they just plod around waiting for their opponents' limbs to fall off?

Cartoon 388

Caption: Anon.

Your caption on the next cartoon! Link in sidebar.

Face-Lift 632

Guess the Plot

Honor Bound

1. Vesper Fitzhawke swore an oath to the new King of England, and is now honor-bound to marry a Scotsman! What was she thinking? Will she honor her oath or will she fall in with Odo the malevolent bishop?

2. Christy never wanted an arranged marriage, even if it is to the elf prince. She doesn't believe in this "fate bound" nonsense everyone is gushing, so she resolves to run away. Can she find true love amongst the magic and sorcery of the enchanted woods?

3. The six girls at Springdale Reform House swear never to reveal which of them is the vampire, but the zombie can't get anything straight and blurts it out. When junior counselor Tabitha Thompson realizes a third of her charges are already dead, she must decide, among other things, whether to tell Nurse Williams to skip their flu shots.

4. Rubi Stevens is a housekeeper by day, dominatrix by night. When one of her clients turns up dead and Rubi is framed for murder, she must unravel the mystery before she loses both her jobs.

5. The 4:00 stage to Honor, Texas rattles across the desert. On board are four passengers: a shotgun-toting killer, a chain-smoking pyromaniac, a whore who won't shut up, and a bible-quoting dynamite salesman who just wants to get his 200 pounds of product safely to town--and maybe save a few souls on the way. This is their story.

6. A giant, mutant serpent is slithering through the sewers below the beautiful duplexes of Pleasant Pines. First cats, then dogs, then children disappear. It's not until the serpent rears its head out of Miss Honor Wilhelmina Pringle's toilet that it meets its match.


Original Version

Dear Agent:

As William the Conqueror’s sons battle for his throne, Vesper must prove her honor to others and her worthiness to herself. Interweaving fiction with actual events and historical characters, Honor Bound (about 130,000 words) is a historical fiction that blends political intrigue, feudal honor, and romance, set in a world where treacherous plots abound and misplaced trust is fatal. [I would put the second sentence at the end of the plot. Or put the first sentence at the beginning of the plot.]

The year is 1088 and England is torn asunder by rebellion. To keep her estate Havre de Grace—[Translation: Graceland.] the most important thing in the world to her—Vesper Fitzhawke gives her oath of fealty to the new king. [We don't need the part about her estate being important to her.] Once she is honor bound to obey him, the wily ruler commands her to wed against her will and sends her on a dangerous, clandestine mission in his fight to save his throne from his brother’s efforts to supplant him.

Grim Eryvine, the exciting, but infuriating Scottish warrior she is forced to marry, [One wonders if she'd have pledged her loyalty to the king if she'd known she'd have to marry a Scotsman.] [Though it could've been worse. She could've been stuck with a Welshman.] [You can be pretty sure your marriage is gonna be grim when you marry a guy named Grim.]

[King: I've chosen a husband for you.
Vesper: Who is he?
King: He's Grim.
Vesper: Damn. What's his name?
King: It's Grim.
Vesper: Yes, but what is it?
King: I just told you.
Vesper: His name is Ijus Tolju?
King: It's Grim.
Vesper: You can say that again.]

is a wanderer and a loner. He scorns the role of estate holder and adamantly opposes being bound to one person or one place. For those reasons—and because Grim believes that women do not have the necessary sense of honor to hold true to a sworn oath—he clashes with Vesper and sparks fly. Even so, Grim is irresistibly drawn to the beautiful and strong-willed demoiselle he is forced to marry. As he plunges deeper into a web of desire and longing for her, he grows to fear that she loves Havre de Grace more than she could love any man and would even commit treason to possess it. [She already possesses it, having pledged fealty to the king, so why would he be concerned with her committing treason?]

Vesper and Grim immediately find themselves entangled in the Machiavellian schemes of Odo, the malevolent Bishop of Bayeux. [This scene from the Bayeux Tapestry shows Odo; if you look closely you can see him on the king's right. Click on the picture for an enlargement.


Odo being one of the great characters of all time, it's a mistake to not even mention him until paragraph four. A better opening hook for the query would be: When the mysterious Odo takes the shape of the Bishop of Bayeux, it's just a matter of time before the English throne falls, in my novel Odo is in this Book; You Simply Must Have It. Note that I managed to work Odo into the title to ensure readers will grab it from bookstore shelves.] The devious bishop secretly leads the rebellion against the untried English ruler [by shape-shifting into the king's most trusted servant] and seeks to suborn Vesper into treason with a tantalizing promise. In exchange for her help, the would-be usurper will grant her control of her land unencumbered by an unwanted husband. Vesper now confronts the draconian choice of fulfilling her oath to the king and performing the difficult tasks given to her, [That last part is vague; delete it.] or committing treason in exchange for a most enticing reward.

Thank you very much for your time and consideration.

I look forward to hearing from you. [Delete that. As you may have noticed, we're trying to shorten this.]

Very truly yours,


Notes

Is this historical romance or a historical novel with some romance thrown in? It sounds like the former, as you give more play to the Vesper/Grim relationship than to the political intrigue and treacherous plots, so call it a romance if that's what it is.

It's well-written; just get it down to three plot paragraphs and one concluding paragraph and trim it a bit.

Vesper loses her estate if she doesn't marry Grim, but Grim has no interest in estate ownership or marriage, so why would he marry Vesper?

The king sends Vesper on a clandestine mission, the bishop recruits her to help him oust the king . . . Why does everyone want this woman on their side? What is it about Vesper that qualifies her to do stuff that would normally fall to James Bond?

Fitzhawke. Vesper Fitzhawke. Nope, doesn't have the same ring to it.

Cartoon 387

Caption: Faceless Minion

Your caption on the next cartoon! Link in sidebar.

Saturday Film Series

Time once again to poke your head into Evil Editor's Shorts.

Guess the Title

Below are descriptions (taken from BN.com) of eight published books in the category "food memoir." Your job is to guess which is the book's actual title.


1. From failure to fusilli, this deliciously hilarious read tells the story of the author's fizzled romances and the mouth-watering recipes she used to seduce her men, smooth over the lumps, and console herself when the relationships flamed out.

Out of the Frying Pan and into the Boudoir
I Loved, I Lost, I Made Spaghetti
Eating my Way to Happiness
It's All About the Gravy
Sleeping Beauty's Midnight Snacks
101 Ways Food is Better than Men


2. Nearing 30 and trapped in a dead-end secretarial job, the author resolved to reclaim her life by cooking, in the span of a single year, every one of the 524 recipes in Julia Child's legendary Mastering the Art of French Cooking.

Saucy Lady
Child in the Kitchen
Julie and Julia: My Year of Cooking Dangerously
Step One: Learn French
If I'd Known How Fat I Was Going to Get, I Never Would Have Started
Either This Cookbook Sucks or I Can't Cook: How I screwed up 524 recipes in 365 days


3. Imagine Elizabeth David crossed with Richard Pryor—to create the most profound and profane cookbook you’ll ever read.

Eat Me
Kiss My Grits, My Carrots and My Pork Butt
Black Beans and Alfredo Sauce
Deep-Fried Philosophy
Eats and Bleeps
The Complete Book of Aphrodisiacs


4. A lyrical journey from Korea to New Orleans to Paris and Provence, along the way serving forth the author's favorite recipes.

Cajun Kim Chee With Bearnaise Sauce
Around the World in 80 Courses
Korea Tortilla.
Cooking in Magellan's Wake
The Road to Flavor
Trail of Crumbs


5. Women from different centuries tell you about the meals of their time. You can learn about a meal that Anne Boleyn enjoyed at Hampton Court with Henry VIII, eat a meal with Emily Dickinson, and celebrate Passover with Emma Goldman.

Barefoot and in the Kitchen Over the Centuries
Dinners with Famous Women: From Cleopatra to Indira Gandhi
It's No Wonder Our Life Expectancy was 46 With the Crap We Ate
Eight Centuries of Gossip at the Dinner Table
Dining with Dames
What We Ate and When We Ate It


6. An insightful, entertaining, scrupulously reported exploration of China's foodways and a swashbuckling memoir studded with recipes.

Shark's Fin and Sichuan Pepper: A Sweet-Sour Memoir of Eating in China
The Magic Frying Pans of Chunking
Lo Mein on the High Seas: A Memoir.
The Pirates of Chuan Yue Lu
Eating a Path Through the East
Fried Scorpions, Live Octopus, and Leeches: A Tour of Authentic Chinese Restaurants


7. As the author delivers his recipes to us, he invites us to share his family’s age-old passion for the pig and to celebrate the long, delicious history between man and swine.

You Are What You Eat, Pig
Having the Cohens to Dinner
Hog History 101
Of Pigs and Porkers
The Non-Kosher Cookbook
Pork & Sons


8. At the age of thirty–seven, the author left a lucrative career as a jeweler to become a chef. Instead of going back to school, or getting on–the–job training, he did it the hard way: he bought the restaurant and then taught himself to cook.

What the Hell Was I Thinking?
Man and his Meatballs
The Mid-Life Crisis Bar and Grill
Diamond in the Roughage
From Carats to Carrots: A Tale of Desire
Bass-Ackwards, or How I Went from a Million-Dollar Business to a Money Pit


Answers Below.


Fake Titles Contributed by:

Dave F.
_*Rachel*_
Faceless Minion
Rick Daley
Evil Editor





Actual Book Titles

I Loved, I Lost, I Made Spaghetti
Julie and Julia: My Year of Cooking Dangerously
Eat Me
Trail of Crumbs
Dinners with Famous Women: From Cleopatra to Indira Gandhi
Shark's Fin and Sichuan Pepper: A Sweet-Sour Memoir of Eating in China
Pork & Sons
Man and his Meatballs

New Beginning 639

Shit, last cigarette. Wonder if the CVS on 8th and E is still open… As I flick the butt into the gutter, the realization of how screwed I am hits me. Of course, there’s no one but myself to blame for this. Once again waiting for a miracle, and when it didn’t happen, I act surprised. As if this hasn’t happened before…or rather, as if I hadn’t laid the groundwork to set myself up for this before now. “The definition of crazy is going through the same actions and expecting different results.” That’s an apt description of the past three years, Dr. Pruitt, and completely unhelpful. Time to take stock of my situation, maybe that will keep my mind occupied for a few minutes, push back immediate reality for a few minutes at least. First the good news: I have 165 dollars in my wallet, a credit card, a debit card and my driver’s license. Now the touch of gray on that silver lining: I’m not graduating like I told everyone, I’m effectively homeless and friendless, and I’ve been a colossal disappointment to the three people who matter most in my life. See point three (or two or four, depending on how you count). A fine mess I’ve gotten myself into this time, Ollie. I doubt anyone would get that bit. Not because I’m the only one who’s ever watched early twentieth century cinema, but because Ollie's the one who actually delivered the line. Plus, I've made it self-referential, and I intentionally used the oft-misquoted “fine mess” instead of “nice mess” which is kind of my ironic meta-commentary on the futility of lasting pop culture—wait a minute. Christ, I had this same conversation with myself last time I ran out of smokes. Dr. Pruitt’s right. Something’s gotta change. Forget CVS. I’m going to 7-11.


Opening: AZ.....Continuation: Blogless_Troll

Cartoon 386

Caption: D. Lemma

Your caption on the next cartoon! Link in sidebar.

Face-Lift 631

Guess the Plot

Star Child

1. Susan's had a rough pregnancy so far, and the worst may be yet to come. How will she handle learning that her precious newborn is a ball of flaming hydrogen and helium?

2. Jessie can usually see things coming, but she never anticipated the elderly woman arriving on her doorstep on her 21st birthday asking if she's "come into the family magic yet." Seems her birth parents weren't exactly what she thought.

3. High school student Jenna Baker is proclaimed to be the prophesied Star Child, destined to lead the Aurian Empire to peace. But not so fast! Fellow student Matthew Sparks is also proclaimed to be the Star Child. Suddenly the two are on the brink of a war that could destroy an empire and cause them to miss several days of school.

4. Annabelle thought being born the same day a star fell was a good omen--until the other children who share her birthday start vanishing. Now Annabelle must rescue the others before the sun goes nova.

5. With more gold stars than all of her second grade classmates combined, Jessica becomes trapped in an alternate reality where chewing gum is encouraged and wrong answers rewarded. Will it all go down on her permanent record?

6. When Sol donates Earth to the Stellar Soccer League, Maryanne’s life is shaken to pieces. With the aid of a giant plasmaphone, can she convince the kindly Rigel to boot them back to Sol?


Original Version

When sixteen-year-old Jenna Baker stumbles upon another world, and is heralded as the awaited chosen one, it all seems too good to be true—and it is.

Snooping in the bedroom of top student and social outcast Matthew Sparks, Jenna discovers a key that unlocks the world of Auria, where the Magus of the Empire convinces her that she is the anticipated Star Child. [We're moving awfully fast here. Is this a literal key? Into what does she insert it? What's she doing alone in Matthew's bedroom?] Accompanied by a cocky elven prince and an Ahani warrior woman, Jenna journeys for the whispers of an ancient riddle that will lead her home [Home to her high school or home to her empire? Also, what do you mean "journeys for the whispers"?] and mend the rifts between nations.

But when Jenna learns the Magus is from her world too, ["Her world" meaning Auria? Or Earth?] and is using her to conquer the last free peoples for the Empire, she questions whether she is really the one Auria has waited for. When Matthew attempts to rescue Jenna and is proclaimed the Star Child by the Magus’ enemies, the two find themselves on the brink of a war that could destroy everything and leave them trapped in Auria forever.

[Aurian 1: The long-awaited Star Child has finally appeared to us. She shall bring us peace evermore.

Aurian 2: The Star Child is here, true, and peace is upon us, but it's not a she, it's a he, and he appeared to us.

Aurian 1: Bullshit! Your Star Child is clearly a fraud.

Aurian 2: We shall settle this in the manner of our ancestors: all-out war.]

Star Child is a young adult fantasy, complete at 72,000 words. I have drawn on my background in archaeology and linguistics to create a world of cultural, linguistic, and political depth. Polynesian myth weaves through the book, as well as shadows of Roman, Hittite, and Mesopotamian culture. I am currently working on the sequel.

My story “X” was published in the literary magazine Y as their 2007 fiction contest winner. I also won the Z fiction contest in 2000, and my non-fiction is online at A. I joined the collective of B [If you're part of the Borg collective, put that in the first paragraph. It's a major selling point.] in 2008 and currently work in literary acquisitions and marketing. [In addition, my C and D are E, F and G, and H will be I in J when K Ls.]

Thank you for your consideration and I look forward to hearing from you.


Notes

Aren't these kids a little old to be the Star Child? Maybe it should be the Star Adolescent.

What does the Magus do besides tell Jenna she's the chosen one? Does he tell her to journey with an elf and an Amazon? Where and why? Shouldn't he stay with her?

Is Auria a planet? A galaxy? A video game? Are these high school kids supposed to lead armies in war?

Cartoon 385

Caption: Evil Editor

Your caption on the next cartoon! Link in sidebar.

New Beginning 638

When the alarm screamed out, I watched them run for the elevators, moving people out of their way as they ran the length of narrow hall, carpeted for quiet. What I’d just seen was the truth of what they were underneath all their strong pretending.

Then, later on, when it was all over, I watched them being really nice and polite and polished up again. But I knew. I still knew, and I wouldn’t let them work on me to make me forget what they were underneath all that polite pinstriped suit crap, down under their skin.

They don’t trust you after that, which makes them act really nice afterward around you, like they’re saying without words just forget about that just forget about all that, that didn’t mean a thing.

But it meant everything. It was another one of those there are two kinds of people in this world instances. And there really are, you know. There really are only two.

There's people like them, people who act all high and mighty, like they never do it, like they never would do it, like they don't do it all the time except they don't get caught.

And then there's people like me, people who aren't afraid to pee in the middle of the office hallway when the need arises.


Opening: Robin S......Continuation: Adam Heine

Cartoon 384

Caption: Whirlochre

Your caption on the next cartoon! Link in sidebar.

Prep

Below are descriptions of eight published cookbook/memoirs. Each has a somewhat amusing title. Your job is to come up with fake titles for any or all of them, to be used in a "Guess the Title" quiz.


1. From failure to fusilli, this deliciously hilarious read tells the story of the author's fizzled romances and the mouth-watering recipes she used to seduce her men, smooth over the lumps, and console herself when the relationships flamed out.

2. Nearing 30 and trapped in a dead-end secretarial job, the author resolved to reclaim her life by cooking, in the span of a single year, every one of the 524 recipes in Julia Child's legendary Mastering the Art of French Cooking.

3. Imagine Elizabeth David crossed with Richard Pryor—to create the most profound and profane cookbook you’ll ever read.

4. A lyrical journey from Korea to New Orleans to Paris and Provence, along the way serving forth the author's favorite recipes.

5. Women from different centuries tell you about the meals of their time. You can learn about a meal that Anne Boleyn enjoyed at Hampton Court with Henry VIII, eat a meal with Emily Dickinson, and celebrate Passover with Emma Goldman.

6. An insightful, entertaining, scrupulously reported exploration of China's foodways and a swashbuckling memoir studded with recipes.

7. As the author delivers his recipes to us, he invites us to share his family’s age-old passion for the pig and to celebrate the long, delicious history between man and swine.

8. At the age of thirty–seven, the author left a lucrative career as a jeweler to become a chef. Instead of going back to school, or getting on–the–job training, he did it the hard way: he bought the restaurant and then taught himself to cook.

New Beginning 637

"Inhabitants of the Kingdom are being slaughtered! What are you doing about it?"

Those were the words which greeted me as I came before Eschae, the Kingdom Mare. I had been summoned in the wee hours of the night without being told what the emergency was. Now I knew. Unfortunately, I still didn't know what in the hell she was talking about.

"I'm sorry, Miss Mare. I don't know anything about a slaughter."

She stomped her foot and swished her tail angrily. "I thought not!" She paced, blowing heavily. I had not seen her this angry before. "Just what in the hell do I have a Special Agent Task Force for if not to prevent this type of thing from happening? You are my top agent. We are currently faced with the worst disaster the Kingdom has ever faced and you're telling me you don't know anything about it! Just what do you know?"

If you've ever been called on the carpet before your boss for something which wasn't your fault, you probably understand how I felt. For one thing, while I was officially listed as the Agency's top agent, I was not the chief inspector. That was Mairden.

As though reading my thoughts, she snorted and declared, "Mairden is a fool, but I expected better from you."

I took a step back as she reared up, sending a powerful ripple through her lean, muscled flanks. But for all her anger, still I had no ideas. It seemed that ever since the Court hired that new, French chef . . . Hey, wait a minute . . .


Opening: Bevie.....Continuation: Anon.

Cartoon 383

Caption: Whirlochre

Your caption on the next cartoon! Link in sidebar.

New Beginning 636

I stood in the land of shadows staring at a world of light. Tendrils of darkness circled my legs, scuttled up my back and twisted around my wings, and for a moment I looked back the way I’d come. Ominous mountains impaled low-hanging clouds, and in the distance a shining black castle perched above a ravenous sea. Studying the familiar caves, the places I had explored as a child, I waited for the single tear to well up in my eye, reminding me of all I was giving up. Nothing came.

I cast the darkness from my limbs and slid my toes to the place where stones met grass. The blades tickled my feet, welcoming me, but the forest that rose before me was not so inviting. Ancient trees reached toward the sky, their roots and branches entwined, and within them lurked creatures even I would find strange. This great green beast stretched on for miles, its brambles creeping between tree trunks like extended claws. Did I dare disturb its slumber?

In response to my own trepidation, I lifted a foot and stepped into the forest of the Seelie Court.

At first, I heard just the wind in the trees, like a clique whispering about the new girl; then, I heard rhythmic chanting, growing louder and louder: "guil-TY! guil-TY! guil-TY!"

As my eyes adjusted to the gloom, I saw them. An improbable procession sliding through the trees, approaching me, led by a clown with orange hair and a rabbit on a pogo stick.

"Guil-TY!" Boing. "Guil-TY!" Boing, boing.

"Guilty!" The rabbit shouted.

The clown balanced a spotted, boiled egg on his nose. "The egg says, boil her in custard!"

"Guilty!"

"The egg says, circumcise him with a cheese grater!"

"Guil--"

The crowd fell silent. All eyes fell on me. I cursed my stupidity. Through my poor sense of direction and faulty memory, I had stumbled into the forest of the Silly Court.


Opening: Chelsea.....Continuation: Anon.

Cartoon 382

Caption: Anon.

Your caption on the next cartoon! Link in sidebar.

Saturday Film Series

This week, what you'll find
in Evil Editor's Shorts
should be obvious.

Face-Lift 630

Guess the Plot

Heavens Gate

1. When Roger sneaks off for a tryst with his best friend's wife, they step out on the hotel balcony to admire the view and are shocked to see their spouses frolicking in the pool. Roger freaks out. No wonder Nancy didn't mind him "working late" and going to monthly "conventions!" Now he's desperate to save his marriage! What will it take?

2. After Monty gets murdered, he's reborn as an angel. God sends him to save the earth from some very bad angels, a task Monty might be able to handle thanks to his special powers, but then that bastard Satan has to get involved. Is Monty on a collision course with Armageddon?

3. Aunt Trina got just that far, then turned back. Now she's interfering in Mandy's driving lessons, Todd's job promotion, and everybody's cell talk. Jackie's only hope is to lure her into the flying car of Mad Felix, terrible red-eyed ghost of Aunt Sally's cat, so he can levitate her out past the moon, and leave her there. Can it be done?

4. Two political-correctness-challenged angels find themselves locked out of heaven and must track down the key before Satan's minions can do a little 'breaking and entering.' But when both Angels fall for the same mortal--a single mom named Nellie--how will they save heaven and keep their friendship intact? Especially since Nellie is...*CHOKE, GASP*, an atheist?

5. Saint Peter installs a digital system and takes his first break in 1990 years. All goes well until sirens blare and Heaven's Gate slams shut on winsome Nell O'Brien. It's a false alarm, but Paddy McGann can't make it stop. Soon thousands of irate souls are waiting to get in. When Joe Thomkins leads them in chanting for refunds, Paddy knows -- it's time to call God.

6. As Bud Emery worked his way through the first 23,844 heavens his enthusiasm waned. Now he's just dallying around, plunking tuneless noise on the harp, waiting for the chance to escape. Which is exactly what Wanda Higgins is doing on the other side of the cloud! What will happen when these two misfits take flight and collide???

7. Based on the mail they get, postman Jeff Dunbar doesn't believe the "Heaven's Gate" people are really a bunch of prayerful zealots preparing to leave Earth on the next comet. They're more likely making bombs. But how can he prove it to Deputy Jackson?

8. Homicide dectective Zack Martinez knows that "Heaven's Gate" is the code name of the box super spy Tina Shoemaker was supposed to pick up at the secret drop off. Too bad she lost her head instead. Now Zack must find the axeman before Gorilla Jones does, or there'll be another head rolling around.

9. After being told she was special all her life, Tiffany Barns did not expect to go to Hell. But she did. After burning for a week, she was so obnoxious about the unfairness of it all, even Satan wanted to kick her out. So he bet God she'd be just as bad the second time around.

10. Rafael was just an ordinary goldsmith, but when he died he found out he had gotten the job of rebuilding Heaven's Gate. If he succeeds his work will be immortalized, but if he fails he'll surely be damned for all time. Can he possibly build a gate that even God Himself can't find fault with?


Original Version

Heavens Gate: Revelations, a 37,267 word novel, is a diverse religious fiction novel revolving around Montgomery “Monty” Graves and his troubled soul. [That sounds too much like Montgomery “Monty” Burns, who also has a troubled soul.] His conflict with God is only exceeded by the pain and anger he carries around daily. At one time he though he had a life full of promise, one secure in God’s love. His life goes crashing downward when his grandmother is murdered by senseless neighborhood violence. Monty then turns his back on the church and loses all belief and faith in God. [At which point he is murdered in senseless neighborhood violence. Coincidence?]

Monty shuffles between foster care homes and is expelled from numerous of schools. Always trying to find his purpose, he never finds the peace he once had when his grandmother was alive. His two friends, Jenaye and B.J., provide one source of comfort but it’s not enough. He tries to begin a relationship with Jenaye but his bitter feelings for God manifest to hatred, making Jenaye afraid to get close to him. [Actually, if you've ever been on a date with someone who wouldn't shut up about God's wonderfulness, you might find it refreshing to be out with someone who constantly spews invective about God.]

Monty gets a top paying job and his arrogance and cut-throat attitude gets him promoted to Vice President [I was under the impression Monty was a teenager. How much time has passed since he was shuffling between foster homes?] of the company.

[Job interviewer: I see your education consists of being expelled from six schools. I'm afraid I can only offer you a high-paying position.

Monty: That's okay, I'm willing to--

Job interviewer: Wait, I see you list as one of your hobbies constantly spewing invective at God. How would you like to be vice president of the company?]

This brings much jealously, including his best friend B.J.. Monty's arrogance has him sitting on top of the world but is about to brought to his knees like never before. Monty is murdered and the reborn as an angel with special powers. Not long after, Monty is summoned by God himself, who tells Monty that seven more angels will be sent to earth, each bearing one of the seven deadly sins of man. God tells Monty that if the earth is to survive then he must defeat these angels. [It's one against seven. Maybe you better tell us what Monty's special powers are.] [Also, as a resident of Earth, I'm not crazy about our survival depending on one guy, who's been constantly spewing invective at God, doing what God wants done.] But when Satan gets involved things take a turn for the worse. [Amazing how often that happens. Coincidence?] Monty embarks on a personal journey fraught with emotional peril. He can either accept his fate or cling to the past on his inevitable crash course towards Armageddon. [Collision course with Armageddon. A crash course is what you take when you have to learn something really fast (or where you work when you're an automobile test-driver).] Earth’s fate belongs to Heavens Gate! [Your big finish would be more effective if I knew what it meant.]

Hello, my name is Jeffrey Brown. I am 29 years old and I currently work as a truck driver. Heavens Gate is my first novel and it is currently self-published. [What does that mean? Self-publishing should come after you give up on finding a publisher, not before you start looking. Now that you've already sold your book to all your friends and family, I can't count on any sales if I publish it.] I believe the my novel can survive in many different mediums and markets because of its diversity. Heavens Gate is creative, visual, and imaginative. Enclosed is a SASE for your response and thank you for taking the time to review my letter.


Notes

It's never a good sign when the title is spelled wrong. No way would Uncle Tom's Cabin, Gravity's Rainbow or Portnoy's Complaint have been published if the authors left out the apostrophes. True, Finnegans Wake got published, but the proofreader missed it and the publisher assumed Joyce was using experimental punctuation. Aren't you glad you have EE to provide literary trivia?

The query is loaded with errors. The most glaring may be the missing apostrophe, but there are numerous missing words, misused words and misspelled words.

Why does the title include :Revelations in the first sentence, when it's just Heavens Gate (twice) in the last paragraph? Is Revelations the first book of the Heavens Gate trilogy?

Is God sending the seven angels to Earth? Why, just to see if Monty defeats them? And we all die if he fails? This sounds less like God than like those ethereal cerebral entities on Star Trek who arranged stuff like this just so they could gamble on it.