Cartoon 242

Caption: Anon.

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New Beginning 565

Janice hadn't exactly had a happy childhood, even though she came from the suburban, middle-class fantasy of a ranch house, two kids, two cars and a dog. Mother even stayed at home to raise Janice and her older brother Mott; but mostly Mother watched her soaps and drank her gin-laced tea, leaving the disciplining of the children to the children's father. And Father, a former high school football hero going to fat, alcohol and anger, welcomed the excuse to give his life's disappointments into the safekeeping of his children--very brutally and with relish.

Then the Tellulil came.

She first felt their presence when she was fifteen. That was when Mott took his still-damp diploma and ran for the nearest recruiting office, leaving Janice the sole recipient of their father's angry love.

A few weeks later, she lay in bed, moonlight streaming through the mullions to cast prison bars across the door. By that furtive light she read again the postcard addressed to their parents, but not to her. A message that said between prosaic lines he was glad to be gone, glad to ignore his sister's predicament.

"Fine," she said to herself, the card slipping between her fingers over and over and over. "It's not like we were friends or anything."

The moon's brightness seemed to wink at her, a sly acknowledgment.

She smiled in acquiescence and lifted the blanket. Yeah, the night was young, and a fifteen-year-old with Tellulil like hers could make all the friends she wanted down at Joe McKirk's wine lodge.


Opening: Writtenwyrdd.....Continuation: Anon.

Cartoon 241

Caption: Anon.

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Face-Lift 576

Guess the Plot

The Paper Gods

1. The slaves known as the Paper Gods will be freed only when the evil Prince of the underground world of Submundi is dead. Prophesies describe the Prince's demise as death by Poetry. That's where high school student Poetry Wu comes in.

2. The Rock Gods and the Scissors Gods are engaged in a battle that threatens to destroy the Earth -- unless Mitch Mickley can summon the fabled Paper Gods and even up the game.

3. The Golden Gods, pagan idols from ancient times, had been melted down and the wealth redistributed. The Iron Gods were long gone – only the rusted-out carcasses remained, strewn about the confines of junk yards around the country. Now Paper Gods rule the Earth, befuddling the masses with their origami disguises. But Casey, a new-age orphan who recently discovered her druidic heritage, has a plan . . . and a book of matches.

4. When Trudy and Bud sit down to make Halloween monsters at Uncle Reginald's castle, they have no idea the crayons are charmed--until the monsters start demanding "candy," and breaking furniture. Can Trudy's paper Medusa save the sofa and vanquish these diabolical green vampire-dinosaur-kitten things before Uncle Reggie gets home?

5. Zack Runciman publishes the Daily News. Across town, his twin brother and rival Jack publishes the Daily Herald. When a drop in subscriptions makes it clear that there is market enough for only one paper, a circulation war erupts. How far is Zack willing to go to win?

6. Huff'n'Puff the dragon didn't find the Paper Gods much of a challenge, and the Stick Gods barely held out any longer. But he's a little concerned about the Brick Gods--how's he going to burn their house down?


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

When a knife-wielding stalker reveals that Poetry Wu is prophecized [--cied] to free his people from magical slavery, Poetry has doubts. [That "his" sounds like it refers to Poetry, as we don't know yet whether Poetry is male or female (we assume from the name that it's a gay guy).] But her knack for weaseling her way out of problems is no match for her supernatural stalker. Though the last thing she wants to do is set him free, she winds up agreeing to murder the ruler of a shadowy land to help his cause. [That "his" sounds like it refers to the ruler of the shadowy land rather than the stalker.]

Poetry searches for a way to convince him she's no destined one. Instead, she stumbles into the world of Submundi, where she draws the attention of the Prince she is to kill.

[Prince: Well, hello there. Who are you?

Poetry: I'm Poetry.

Prince: I can see that, but what's your name?]

The forces of this eerie underland creep into her ordinary life. Soon she has to contend with missing memories and friends under mind control just to hand in her homework. [Apparently she has stumbled back out of Submundi. Why hasn't she ever stumbled into Submundi before?]

All Poetry wants to do is impress her artsy new classmates, get home for dinner on time, and make her stalker leave her alone. [Consider putting this sentence up front. As it is, we can't tell this is set in modern times on Earth until you mention homework. I thought we were in Isengard; turns out it's Schenectady.] But Poetry's involvement in Submundi goes back further than she realizes. When she discovers the terrible sacrifice she made to escape Submundi long ago, [Years ago? Or eons ago?] she must take on the Prince to make it right. [To make it right is vague. What are the stakes?]

The Paper Gods is a YA fantasy novel of 100,000 words. It is the first book in a planned trilogy, but can stand alone. [So the numerous fake plot writers who submitted rock, paper scissors plots were on to something, and The Rock Gods and The Scissors Gods are the next two books?]

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

[Author's note, not part of query: The stalker and his fellow supernatural slaves are beings known as Paper Gods, hence the title The Paper Gods.]


Notes

Once we realize this is set in the modern world we are forced to question Poetry's agreeing to commit a murder. Why does she agree to this? Is she threatened? If the slaves believe she will free them, any threat to harm her would seem empty.

What constitutes being a slave? Usually slaves aren't permitted to roam into distant lands wielding knives and stalking girls. What are the Prionce's powers that allow him to enslave supernatural beings?

Who names their kid Poetry? I suppose it's better than Nonfiction. Does she have a twin brother named Prose?

Cartoon 240

Caption: Anon.

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New Beginning 564

As was her custom, the Imperial Consort, Lady Azhka, strolled her gardens in sweltry noon while the sun rode high and the heat was enervating. It was exactly what she liked; she tired of the perfumed claustrophobia of her apartments and the nested eyes of servant and spy alike, tired of opulence and carved dead rock that were so vastly different from the rolling lavender plains of her homeland and the living caves where she was born. Both, lands however, shared the same balefire summer sun.

So instead of the shaded bowers kept watered by a small army of gardeners each morning against the heat, she kept to the baked sands of the pathways, her servants dismissed to huddle uncertain below covered walks, anxious not to miss some vital summons or to cosset their charge as was proper for one of her exalted status.

Only profound respect and the Lady's insistence had won her this modicum of privacy, although some few of the titled servants still sought to attend her, ply her with sunshade or sweated urns of snow-chilled fruit juice.

She waved away her chief steward, the most stubborn of the lot. "No, Manoc," she told him firmly, "I wish to think, not be fussed over."

Had she looked up at that moment, she might have noticed his clenched jaw and baleful stare as he was, once again, forbidden to meet his obligation; to serve his purpose. Unwitnessed, therefore, Manoc, last in a long line of proud household stewards, withdrew to the stores and, as was his custom, relieved his frustrations--and his bladder--in the sweating urns of snow-chilled fruit juices.


Opening: Writtenwyrdd.....Continuation: Anon.

Cartoon 239

Caption: Anon.

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Face-Lift 575

Guess the Plot

Houses of a Thousand Dolls

1. Shanghai, the business center of China. For many it's the gateway to riches. For Xa Xang, it's the home of her brainchild: mobile sex clubs. Can she keep her business going while her customers are coming?

2. Katrin has less than two weeks to figure out who is killing the other girls in the Houses of a Thousand Dolls. Otherwise she'll be sold off cheap, like a cow that stopped giving milk. Also, talkative cats.

3. It was the strangest contest in the history of reality TV, and Blythe Dornbusch was determined to win it. So, after visiting every tag sale and thrift store in Pakumpsuck, Mississippi, she took her thousand dolls and began to build a house. This is what happens when you let pigs schedule programming.

4. There are a thousand stories in the Geisha houses run by Kiroshi, but none more heartwarming than this tale of Li-Li and a wounded American soldier during World War II. Also, a magic Samurai sword.

5. Heroin is being smuggled into the United States in dolls, but when a case of the dolls falls off a truck and is discovered by a Girl Scout troop, the town of Happy Valley must contend with an epidemic of addiction.

6. Collector Corcoran Lourdes sets out to gather every doll, ventriloquist's dummy, and marionette that ever came to life to torment its owner in a horror movie or TV show. Turns out he needs to buy three houses just to hold the ones from Twilight Zone episodes.


Original Version

Dear agent,

Things Katrin Satogo has to do before the Redeeming...

1. Find out who in the Houses of a Thousand Dolls is killing girls. [My money's on Chucky.]
2. Discover the secrets of her own past, who she is and why she was left at the Houses.
3. Avoid betraying the few friends she has, including a clan of talkative cats.
4. Stay alive.
[5. Figure out what the Redeeming is.]

But none of those things are going to [will] be easy. Because missteps in the Houses are as easy as wearing the wrong asari, [Asari? Is that the same as sari? Google doesn't think so. If it's a made-up word you might use the English translation in the query.] and long hidden anger simmers under the ginger-scented air.

Katrin Satogo was left at the Houses of a Thousand Dolls at the age of seven, too old to be Groomed, as the other girls in the Houses were. [Also, too old to make the Olympic gymnastics team.] Now she's seventeen, without formal training or caste, and if she doesn't do something, she'll be thrown out, property of whoever wants to claim her. So when Katrin finds out that three girls have died suspicious deaths, she strikes a bargain with Matron, the head of the Houses. If she finds the killer, she'll have a caste and a future. [You can just give a caste and a future to someone who isn't Groomed? I don't think so.] If she fails, she'll be sold. Now Katrin will need all the luck and help she can get, because everyone is hiding something.

And the Redeeming is only twelve days away....

Houses of a Thousand Dolls is a young adult fantasy about a seventeen-year-old girl trying to figure out who she is, and the unexpected family she discovers along the way. Unlike many fantasy novels today, the setting for this story, the Sangitian Empire, was inspired by the culture of ancient India.

I am a graduate of the Institute for Children's Literature, and have been a contributor to collegesurfing.com. I also recently sold a young adult novel to OakTara (formerly Capstone Fiction), which is projected to be out in trade paperback in spring of 2009.

The complete manuscript of Houses, 50,000 words, is available for your review. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,


Notes

Not bad, but what's the Redeeming?

I'm not sure it would be called a fantasy just because it's set in a fictional place. Does it have magic or fantastical creatures? If the cats actually talk, that's something, but perhaps the main fantasy aspect could be stressed more. Is it the Redeeming?

House of a Thousand Dolls is a better title. You see lots of singular houses in titles: House of Flying Daggers, "House of the Rising Sun," House at Pooh Corner, "Fall of the House of Usher," House of the Seven Gables, House of Sand and Fog and the TV show House. Okay, there's Houses of the Holy, an album by Led Zeppelin (also a song, but they decided the song wasn't good enough to go on the album so they stuck it on a future album that they put out after they ran out of good songs).

You're probably thinking a thousand girls wouldn't fit in one house so it has to be houses. As long as there's one main house that all the dolls pass through (sort of like the administration building on a campus or the bar in a hotel) you can call it House. Actually, you can call it anything you want, since the publisher will probably change it to Hookers in Training in hopes of selling beyond the YA market.

This is the second consecutive query on which I finally gave up and wrote three fake plots because you guys are falling down on the job.

Cartoon 238

Caption: Kiersten

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Writing Exercise Result 6

I was closing the office early in preparation for my weekend trip to a major romance writers convention. I don't actually handle romance, but romance conventions are 98 percent women, so that pretty much settles that. Anyway, I had just cleared my desk and tossed the day's slush in the trash (unopened) when he walked in. Or should I say when I walked in? The guy looked just like me, except not quite as handsome. Also he was pointing a gun at me.

"I'm replacing you," he said.

"Replacing me?"

"I look just like you, except a little more handsome. But I've never amounted to anything, and why should I work at making something of myself when I can just take over for you? It's not like you've done anything to warrant your fame."

"So you're gonna kill me?"

"No, I want you alive to witness how much more successful you are when I'm running the show. My hired goons will hold you captive indefinitely."

"But if I don't show up at a certain writers convention this weekend, people will know I've been kidnapped."

"Then I guess you better hand over your plane ticket and the confirmation number for your hotel reservation."

I did as he said, and he called in his goons to take me away. I wasn't worried. No mere mortal had any chance of surviving what this poor schmuck was about to go through.

--Evil Editor

Saturday Film Series

There's no predicting exactly what you'll find in Evil Editor's Shorts, only that it'll be awesome.

New Beginning 563

“For the storms of life, your comfort and your salvation lie with the Lord God. Seek ye first the Kingdom of Heaven. For the storms of Bay St. Louis, buy your cypress storm shutters at Chauvin’s Lumberyard.” I’ve been nailing boards all morning in preparation. God, I’m getting old I thought as I sank. My easy chair gasped as I settled to rest for a moment before I go to the post office. I nodded and the old Chauvin lumberyard sign bubbled up from the depths of long buried memories in a vision.

It was on Beach Boulevard at the foot of the bridge that crossed the Bay. As children, the sign was our marker. Momma allowed us to go only as far as the sign on our bikes. The sign was ancient, and like Bay St. Louis, bleached by the sun and salt air, and battered by the eternal storms that are a part of Gulf Coast life. It leaned badly, and the two wooden posts that held it seemed ready to give out at any moment. How it stayed there all those years anchored in nothing but sand, I never understood. Yet, by an act of faith, it hung on year after year. Stubborn. Determined to be our guidepost. It was a special marker for me. Countless days I rode to the old sign and turned left onto Ulman Avenue to hear the beautiful piano music emanating from a home just off the beach. Miss Betty Lee Meacham practiced piano every day in the front room of her house. That was my refuge.

Once, Sonny, my older brother, asked Daddy what the words on the sign meant.

“Buy insurance,” he said.

Of course, it was inevitable that the salt air and storms would have their way with our sign, and after a couple more winters, our demarcation was lost to the elements. Six months later a new sign was in its place.

When the spirit is weak, the Lord God will give you strength; when the flesh is weak, get your rubber, leather, whips, masks and chains from Madame LaFife's S&M Boutique.

I asked him one time, "What do the words on the sign mean, Daddy?"

He cleared his throat and thought for a while. "Invest in bonds," he said.


Opening: Luke.....Continuation: ril

Cartoon 237

Caption: R. Watson

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New Beginning 562

I rolled my eyes.

Well, okay, technically I don’t have any eyes. But the intention was there—if I had eyes, I would have been rolling them. The setup was just so tacky. Way too many candles filled the room with smoke and the few lights were draped with filmy red cloth. She had even thrown in some fancy, flowered pentagrams this time.

Really—pentagrams? Give me a break. Clearly this was a low-rent establishment, and I hated that Rose’s was the only service that saw fit to call on me so far. I was better than this, better than Rose and her ridiculous showboating, better than her cheap, boring customers and their cheap, boring lives.

Yet, here I was. I could have just ignored the summons. But I’ll admit it felt good to hear my name again. And besides, even if the work wasn’t interesting, it was still something. What can I say, writing was my life. Too bad I died.

"She comes!" someone whispered behind me. Probably Rose herself, wearing her black nylon hooded robe decorated with silver stars that she'd carefully hot-glued on the hem. Carefully, because otherwise the nylon would melt.

"Mwa ha hahahahaha-a-a-a!" I chortled. May as well give her and her cheap, boring customer a good show.

"Put the manuscript in the center of the big pentacle," Rose said in her whiskey growl, "and read the exhortation! Quickly!"

Hurried scuttling behind me. I turned slowly, emitting a few puffs of black smoke just for fun, and drew in my breath in a deep, hissing gasp. Then I spoke: "What is the word length of this manuscript which I, Miss Snark, have been summoned to read?"


Opening: Kiersten.....Continuation: Marissa Doyle

Cartoon 236

Caption: Wendy

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New Beginning 561

The boy scoots inside the rusty recess of a car because Papa has told him to hide. He counts breaths and waits. He waits and sleeps and eventually he wakes. The boy has learned to be a good listener. He lifts the trunk the length of his ear. No pop-popping of a worn-out knee. No wet, phlegm coughs. No hushed murmurs of love and dreams and life and skies.

Where are you, Papa?

The boy hears beyond Papa’s silence. The familiar wind loops around the desert brush. Aimless feet shuffle in the distance. His own heart struggles beneath his breath. He is scared and curious and hungry and alive.

He opens the trunk and scrambles out. The brown sky is pushing into the brown earth. His hand fumbles for the sky-paper and upon contact, comforts him.

“Hey! You there!” A Gatekeeper sees him.

The boy walks faster.

"Hey!" The Gatekeeper's footsteps quickened. "Use of the present tense was restricted in this zone. Have you obtained a permit?"

The boy takes off at full speed.

Faintly he hears the shouts behind him, feels the shots kick up the dust at his feet. He keeps his head down and runs as hard as he can away from the past.


Opening: Chris Eldin.....Continuation: Sarah from Hawthorne

Cartoon 236

Caption: Debhoag

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Success Story

Speaking of YA books that appeared here, I don't think it's been mentioned that Marissa Doyle's novel Bewitching Season

has been published. You may have read the opening if you were around at the time of New Beginning 189

Success Story

Some of you may recall that a couple years ago Miss Snark, Literary Agent, ran a crapometer with a limited number of entries, and that Evil Editor offered to post comments on some that weren't lucky enough to get onto Her Snarkness's blog. You may even recall this query, which was among those submitted:

Query 4

[This one is excellent, but seems a bit long. I've placed brackets around things that can go without affecting the content or tone.]

Dear Evil Editor,

THE BIG SPLASH – approximately 60,000 words – is a hard-boiled detective novel for the middle grade set, with strong archetypal characters and dialogue that’s quick and punchy, like a flyweight boxer on too much caffeine.

Matt Stevens is smart, witty and tough as a cheap steak in a bad restaurant. He’s a middle school Philip Marlowe, [a Sam Spade in the seventh grade,] and he just did something he said he’d never do: he accepted a job from Vinny “Biggs”.

Vincent Biggio, [a.k.a Vinny “Biggs”] is a pre-teen Al Capone. Vinny’s got his chubby little fingers in a lot of illegal pies baked at James Franklin Junior High: extortion, racketeering, black market sales of stolen exams. Matt trusts Vinny [as much as] [like] a deer trusts a guy in an orange vest, but Vinny just made him an offer that was hard to refuse: twenty bucks to return a good luck charm [that] Vinny had lent out long ago. The problem? The girl he lent it [out] to is Nicole Finnegan, a.k.a. Nikki Fingers, the most feared squirt gun assassin [to ever attend] [at] Franklin Junior High.

You see, life at Franklin is tough, like trying to play the piano [with] [in] oven mitts [on]. Find yourself on the wrong side of Vinny Biggs, [the next thing you know] [and] you’re in “the Outs,” the least popular “club” in school. How’d you get there? Water, apple juice, cat pee… anything liquid, strategically splattered below your belt for maximum humiliation, [marking you forever as an enemy of Vinny Biggs.]

While Matt is negotiating the return of Vinny’s good luck charm, someone puts Nikki [on] [in] “the Outs”. Matt has to juggle two clients (Vinny Biggs and Jenny Finnegan, Nikki’s younger sister) as he tries to find the trigger kid [amongst a list of suspects as long as a New York City phone book]. Was it Joey Renoni, the hit kid with a high-pitched giggle and a hair trigger[, who was always looking to prove himself against the baddest and the best]? Was it Kevin Carling, [Matt’s ex-best friend, ] Vinny’s right-hand man, and the boyfriend that Nikki left behind when she quit the life? Or was it some other kid with [“]soda-induced courage,[” a friend or relative in “the Outs,”] and a big beef against Nikki? Matt’s got to watch his back, and [especially] his front, as he works a case that’s harder to navigate than the streets of downtown Boston[, or he just might find himself on “the Outs].”

On a personal note, my eighth year as a writer, director and dialogue editor for children’s television animation has been a great one. In January, I was nominated for an Annie Award for best writing in a television series. I also wrote, developed, and directed a series of shorts that will be airing on (NetworkA) in November. [(NetworkA) ordered forty half-hour episodes based on the strength of those shorts, stating that the writing was the main factor in their decision.] I’ve just started writing the second Matt Stevens book in what I imagine to be a series, chronicling the life and hard-boiled adventures of Matt, his classmates, and his family. May I send you a full or partial manuscript of The Big Splash?

Thank you so much for your time. [I look forward to hearing from you soon.]

Best,

[Well done. While your characters are in middle school, one wonders if your audience might be even younger, as middle schoolers these days would identify only with kids using real guns.]

6 comments:

jackyboy said...

Wow...Thanks EE for your comments. I knew it was too long, but wasn't sure what to cut (I imagine my ms will have the same issues). Your suggestions for the chopping block were right on. It's pretty amazing of you to offer your services for free. I hope you receive some good karma for this, as well as the occasional gift ham.

Anonymous said...

This rocks! I'm 34 and I think I'd like to read this book.

Jeb said...

I loved the tone in this query letter. I would totally go out and buy this book even though I'm several decades out of 8th grade.

Anonymous said...

I'm thinking this is for slightly younger middle grade. My 3-5 grade kids would eat this up.

Leah said...

I'm seventeen, I would read this. It reminds me of the muppets in that it is entertaining for kids and includes jokes for adults.

(From The Great Muppet Caper)

Lady H. details all her troubles with her brother Nicky to her new secretaty (Miss Piggy) who asks, "Why are you telling me all this?"

"It's plot exposition, it has to go somewhere."

Kathleen said...

great query, great story idea. nice work.

Leah spotted this review of the published book in the latest New York Times Book Review section:


http://www.nytimes.com/2008/10/12/books/review/Cohen-t.html?_r=1&scp=1&sq=rich%20cohen&st=cse&oref=slogin

Face-Lift 574

Guess the Plot

The Truth, Chickens, and Other Things that Wonʼt Fly

1. When ray asks Emmaline to marry him, she's just about to say that'll happen when pigs fly, when she spots a flock of pigs overhead. Quickly she begins formulating a different response.

2. Jenny, a compulsive liar, found a book that listed several things that couldn't fly. Then she saw an episode of Mythbusters where they made a lead balloon. Thus inspired, she embarks on a mission to teach a bunch of chickens to fly south for the winter. Also, lie detection by skunk.

3. Jimmy Weaver worships his wife, which doesn't eggzactly sit well with Jimmy's mother, who decides to save her son from a life of eggony. Mom "hatches" a plan to murder Jimmy's wife, a "fowl" plan that just might lay an egg . . . if Jimmy learns the truth.

4. Bernadette Barnes knows she must take creative action to raise enough cash to save the farm from her banker, Elmore Bladini, and his knife-wielding thugs. She'll use voodoo, astrology, and witchcraft to stave off the seemingly inevitable, but if Bladini still refuses to refinance, is she willing to try seduction?

5. Hunky Chicken rancher Joe Fargus realizes he can get more money for organic free-range chickens. So without changing his methods, he claims his chickens are organic and free-range. The money rolls in, until beautiful federal poultry inspector Jill Charleston pays an unexpected visit to the ranch. Can Joe sweet-talk his way out of this one?

6. Finally, a book that offers a conclusive and definitive answer to the question that has haunted philosophers through the ages: Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Hint: it was the chicken.


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

If you told Billie Weaver a year ago that sheʼd be plotting the murder of her sociopathic sister-in-law, sheʼd laugh [she'd have laughed] it off as a sick joke. If you told her sheʼd be teaming up with her braless, alcoholic mother to carry out the plan, sheʼd say [she'd have said] you were certifiably insane.

But now Billieʼs mother has shown up on Billieʼs upper-middle class suburban doorstep, and claims to be dying of cancer. [Translation: isn't dying of cancer.] In her last few months on the planet [before heading for Arkhos IV, where they long ago cured cancer], sheʼs looking to make it up to Billieʼs brother, Jimmy, for rendering him mentally diminished by drinking while pregnant with him. As her first and final attempt to protect her son, she hatches a plan to rid him of his abusive, drug-addicted wife, and she needs Billie to help her. If Billie participates, sheʼll become an accessory to fraud, an accomplice to murder,

[Billie: What do you need me for? Just shoot Jimmy's wife. You're dying, so you'll never go to trial.

Mom: You think I wanna spend my last month in a prison cell when I can spend it in a hospital ward?

Billie: At least prisons have decent food and TV reception.]

and risk destroying the carefully constructed life sheʼs built for herself and her young family. If she does nothing, her too-trusting brother will be doomed to a life of misery and heartache. Can she justify taking another personʼs life if it saves another? Can she ever explain it to Jimmy, who naively worships his wife as much as he loves his sister and his mother?

Bonded together, first by their love for Jimmy, and now by their criminal activities, [In my experience, nothing brings family together like murdering an in-law.] Billie and her mother struggle to overcome years of bitterness, estrangement, and inappropriate outfits to protect Jimmy and stay out of jail.

The Truth, Chickens, and Other Things that Wonʼt Fly is a work of womenʼs fiction, complete at 74,000 words.


Notes

The first and last plot paragraphs (and title) have a humorous tone with amusing touches (braless mother, inappropriate outfits), but the middle paragraph sounds like literary fiction, what with its cancer, drug addiction, misery and heartache, mentally diminished man, abuse... I'd like to be able to tell from the query whether it's a dark book with some comic relief or a comedic book with a few dark subplots.

If the book is a comedy, try lightening up the middle paragraph by reducing it to something like:

But now Billieʼs mother has shown up on Billieʼs doorstep, saying she's ready to perform one final noble act before she dies. She plans to murder Jimmy's wife, freeing him from a lifetime of misery with an overbearing, abusive ogre. Never mind that Jimmy worships his wife, Mother knows best. Now all she needs to put her plan into action is an accomplice. And she's chosen Billie for the role.

If the book is serious, the query doesn't need to include the comic relief, as whether Mom wears a bra or dresses in style isn't relevant to the main plot. And a different title will be in order.

Cartoon 235

Caption: Wendy

Your caption on the next cartoon! Link in sidebar.

NaNoWriMo Prep 3

Okay, I've narrowed my plot down to one of the following:

After George's boating accident leaves him blind, he fears he'll have to give up his career as a NASCAR driver. Can Mary, his lovely pit crew leader, convince him to keep driving?

It was his song; it was her song; it was their song. And hearing the cover band butchering "The Wanderer" on the night of their anniversary pushes Christine over the edge.

The first one has a lot of comedic potential, mainly from the reactions of other drivers to racing with a blind guy. But it might turn out to be one of those one-joke plots if I'm not careful. And it's hard to be careful when writing a novel in a month. Of course the idea of a blind NASCAR driver is sure to be optioned for film rights, so financially I should go with that one.

The second one is general enough that I wouldn't feel restricted. I see a woman who's spent weeks planning the perfect anniversary night, and then the band she paid to perform "their" song does it as a rap. She loses it and kills the singer and burns down the restaurant. But can she get her case assigned to a judge who's also a Dion fan?

Which one would make a better novel, I wonder.

NaNoWriMo Prep 2

As you know if you read the previous post, minions who aren't wusses are not only writing a novel by the end of November, but are basing that novel on a fake plot chosen from this blog. It wouldn't be right for EE not to participate, so I chose my 5 numbers, then chose my favorite fake plot from each of the five face-lifts, basing that choice mainly on whether the idea could be sustained for an entire novel. These are the blurbs from which I must choose my novel's plot.

1. Men use the Golden Flagon to outwit the Gods in a successful battle for possession of the women. The Gods say they'll just make some more.

2. After George's boating accident leaves him blind, he fears he'll have to give up his career as a NASCAR driver. Can Mary, his lovely pit crew leader, convince him to keep driving?

3. With a supply of deuterium from a North Korean friend, Physicist Elmo Lurp agrees to build a nuclear device in the basement of his apartment building. But he realizes his need for a more sophisticated laboratory when he discovers his wife has used all the heavy water for the laundry.

4. It was his song; it was her song; it was their song. And hearing the cover band butchering "The Wanderer" on the night of their anniversary pushes Christine over the edge.

5. When urban rapper "500" Cent learns he's the illegitimate son of Malcolm X he leaves the hip-hop lifestyle behind in his search for a time portal.

As you can see, while each could be a comedy, only numbers 2 and 3 would have to be comedies, while the others can go in many directions.

I predict that even if this whole idea sounds ridiculous to you now, once you've taken a few minutes to choose your plot, it will become the most important project in your life. Trust me.

NaNoWriMo Prep

Buffy has suggested a blog tie-in with National Novel Writing Month. Which is November. The main reason a lot of people don't attempt to write a novel in November is because they can't get started. They don't have any ideas. So why shouldn't we use the same method we've used a few times for query exercises? Use a random number generator to select one of the fake plots on this blog, and turn it into a novel. Countless times people have commented that they would read one of the fakes plots if someone wrote it.

Because some of the fakes are jokes or for nonfiction books, you'll be allowed to select from among at least 25 fakes. Go to http://www.random.org/integers/ Set it up to choose five random numbers between 1 and 562. Those are your Face-Lift numbers. Find them in the blog archives. You'll have at least 25 fake plots. Choose one. Report back as soon as you've chosen. I'll post the plots that have been chosen, so you can avoid choosing the same one. Make sure you're choosing a fake and not the real plot.

If you wish, you may write the first 500 words of your novel before November and submit them for comments from the minions. We'll let you know if we're hooked already.

While it's true that the fake plots are intended to be funny, and you may be someone who doesn't write humor, keep in mind that some of the fake plots are funny only if you know the title of the real book. As you'll have a different title, you should be able to come up with something more serious if you prefer it that way.

I'm hoping to post at least five fake plots that have been chosen for novels within the next twenty-four hours, so get to work. I'll post them below as they come in. Include your name or don't, as you wish.


Chosen Plots for NaNoWriMo Novels

1. The post card was addressed to his deceased father, the return address from a place called Fantasaria. Soon, Steven finds himself in a magical realm full of talking plants, evil flesh-eating clouds, and unicorns. Also, Irish hitmen. --Shell 1

2. After George's boating accident leaves him blind, he fears he'll have to give up his career as a NASCAR driver. Can Mary, his lovely pit crew leader, convince him to keep driving? --Evil Editor

3. Wisecracking PI Dirk Beefhead hasn't had a case in months when "it" walks into his office. Sure, it was probably sent to Earth to destroy mankind. But the rent wasn't gonna pay itself. --Freddie

4. At Dogs N. Katz Grooming Service, no one could figure out why the new cat washer, Brock, wasn't off modeling Calvin Kleins in New York. When Old Lady Jones finds Brock head down in the cat bath, the town finds a whole mess of suspects that need investigating. -Minion GIR

Cartoon 234

Caption: Debhoag

Your caption on the next cartoon! Link in sidebar.

Opening Statement 8

Minions, Minionettes, Mennonites, lend me your ears. Seriously. At my age, the hearing starts to go.

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, Bill Clinton gets a million dollars for a speaking engagement. Donald Trump gets over $200,000. Hell, even John Grisham gets over $50,000. Why are you practically giving yourself away, EE?

It's like this. When you listen to a speech by one of those hacks, you just sit there and relax. It's like being on vacation, only without the fun. Here, you'll work to earn your reduced fee. Lock it down boys!

The exits are all being sealed and locked. Now if each of you will look under your seat, you'll find a large pile of slush. This stuff's been building up for years, and today we're going to get rid of it. If you leave your seat, a piercing, ear-splitting siren will blare until you return. If you remain in your seat but refuse to cooperate, you'll receive a 2000-volt shock every thirty seconds. Show 'em, boys!

Zzzzzzzzzttttttttttt!

I know what you're thinking. You didn't sign up to read slush. Relax. You're not going to read the slush. Even Evil Editor isn't that cruel. No, you're going to eat it. Environmentalists get on me whether I burn it or ship it to a landfill or dump it in the ocean. So I'm going green, with your help.

Ushers will be around with salt, condiments, cheese sauce and salsa. I'm off to the beach. I'll leave this sign-up sheet for next year's Meet Evil Editor event on the stage. Hope to see you all back.

--Evil Editor

Saturday Film Series

You've been in Lincoln Center. You've been in Carnegie Hall. You've been in La Scala. But you don't know what entertainment is until you've been in Evil Editor's Shorts.

Writing Exercise

Evil Editor has reserved a block of rooms at a luxury resort, and is paying for his own room by charging his minions $500 to attend a lecture in the resort ballroom. Write his opening statement to the crowd. 300 words max, deadline Sunday, 10 AM eastern.

New Beginning 560

Gwen came upon the wolf without warning, surprising them both. When he heard her, he jumped and began pulling at the chain attached to the trap around his leg. A low-throated growl paired with a pained high-pitched whine came from his throat. He looked sickly and thin. Gwen thought he looked like the ghost wolf her father used to describe to her in his nightly ghost stories to her. They stood facing each other for what seemed like a long time to Gwen. He was huge. His coat was all white. It must have once been silky and glossy, but now it was ragged and caked with mud. The wolf didn't growl or raise his hackles. Gwen sensed the wolf was at the end of his rope (well, his chain) and simply didn't care. He was too malnourished to work up a fight.

The wolf whimpered, then nuzzled at the trap that bit down on his leg. He stared at Gwen with his deep blue eyes. She could almost hear his gentle plea for help.

She dropped to her knees to be on the same level as the wolf. "You're the biggest wolf I've ever seen round here," she told him. He bowed his head.

She removed her picnic lunch from her bag and set it off to the side, then took out her pistol and put the beast down.

Maybe if Gwen's father hadn't traumatized her with those fucking ghost stories, she would have had more compassion for the local wildlife.


Opening: Freddie.....Continuation: anon.

Cartoon 233

Caption: Whirlochre

Your caption on the next cartoon! Link in sidebar.

Face-Lift 573

Guess the Plot

Damage Control

1. Fifteen years ago the girls of indy-rock band Damaged Goods swore they'd never speak to each other again. But when a teen pop star tops the charts with a bubbly cover of their grunge anthem, these four very different women suddenly have a damn good reason for a reunion tour.

2. Jillian is the damage control expert for the Lansing Redbirds, doing her best to keep the athletes' sexcapades and arrests from overwhelming the hockey team. But can she keep her cool when new goalie Paul Frontiere comes to town?

3. Superhero/Supervillain battles are ruining the city. Dewey Dunholm, a public works consultant, has a solution: legally force super-powered combatants to fight within zones scheduled for demolition. Urban renewal becomes cheap, and Dewey is a hero. Then a television promoter with a spandex fetish begins broadcasting the fights to stellar ratings, and Dewey loses control of the system. Can he shut down "Damage Control" before the upcoming Mega Brawl levels the entire city?

4. Floyd Harrison was used to waking up cotton-mouthed, head pounding, with no money and even less of an idea where he was. But the dead blond next to him in bed comes as a complete surprise. As does the safe deposit box key in his pocket. Now he's got to piece together what happened during his recent bender while staying one step ahead of the cops, a man with a scar across his knuckles, and a hotel clerk who demands payment for what Floyd did to the sheets.

5. Seventeen-year-old Lena Philips wasn't happy to discover that a secret militaristic society of time travelers moved into her grandmother's house, and have targeted Lena for assassination--until she fell in love with one of them. But if her future happiness depends on living out her life in the Jurassic period with her true love, will she have what it takes?

6. When a werewolf rampage ends, when your uncle the vampire moves in, when ghosts start partying in the yard and you don't want the neighbors to know . . . you call in Padre Felipe to handle Damage Control.



Original Version

Dear agent:

Chase Baker's rules started out harmless enough. Rule one: keep hold of his hand. Two: remain calm. Three: always close her eyes. That was all reasonable before seventeen year old Lena Philips knew he was preparing her for time travel. [I think you have this backwards. If I know I'm being prepared for time travel, I might find these rules reasonable. But before I know about the time travel, if someone simply says, "Hold my hand, close your eyes, and stay calm," I'm breaking all of the rules immediately.]

When the Baker family moved into her late grandmother's house, Lena knew there was something strange lurking behind their charming smiles, and she was determined to find out what it was. She had no idea that her spying would uncover a secret society that has been influencing history, [There's really no need to tell us she had no idea; of course she had no idea. If she actually did suspect a secret society of history influencers were living in her grandmother's house, then you'd have news.] or that it would force her to rely on Chase Baker, the middle brother, who seemed to instantly despise her. But after she is attacked by a strange man, who confirms her suspicion, [Not clear how getting attacked by a strange man confirms that there is something strange lurking behind the Baker family's charming smiles. Is that the suspicion he confirms?] and saved by Chase, she is forced to choose [decide] what is more important to her: solving the mystery or her own life. For her the choice is obvious. Mysteries have always been her thing. [Of course, they're easier to solve if you're not dead.]

After a failed attempt to break-in to the Baker's house, [The Bakers' house. Better yet, the Bakery.] Chase finally reveals to Lena that her attacker and his entire family are part of a militaristic society of time travelers, and that her snooping and his confession have marked them as targets. [There's no need to target her, as the likelihood that she bought Chase's "militaristic society of time travelers" line is zero. She knows guys'll say anything to get a babe into the sack.] Chase chooses to defy the society that has raised him and protect Lena from the fury of assassins they are about to unleash. Now Chase and Lena must try and control the damage they have caused.. [What damage have they caused? So far all they've done is not break into a house.] What they didn't plan on was falling in love along the way. [Like money and sex, in-laws are often an obstacle to a couple's happiness, and never so much as when they unleash assassins targeting you.]

I'm seeking representation for Damage Control, a young adult urban fantasy completed at 76,000 words. The continuation of this series, which has yet to be titled, has been outlined. [Usually the sequels have similar titles. Possibilities: Cruise Control, Remote Control, Arms Control, Air Traffic Control, Birth Control.]

The completed synopsis, partial or full manuscript of Damage Control are available upon further request. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,


Notes

This is mostly the set-up. You can set up the situation for us in two or three sentences, leaving room to tell us about the exciting things that happen. I assume they escape the assassins by time traveling. If so, say so. I assume we find out some things the bad guys have done to influence history. How about an example? Time travel is your hook, might as well use it. Especially if Lena and Chase escape, only to land in the middle of the Battle of Waterloo.

I expect to see something supernatural/magical/fantastical in any kind of fantasy. If time travel is the only speculative aspect, maybe this is YA science fiction. Or YA time-travel romance.

Cartoon 232

Caption: Evil Editor

Your caption on the next cartoon! Link in sidebar.

Cartoon 231

Caption: Whirlochre

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New Beginning 559

First band I ever saw live, I was seventeen, the band was Aerosmith. Tyler a Demented Juicy Monkey Sex God,in striped spandex bell-bottoms. Joe Perry all blistering heat in intimate rock-n-roll incest next to him. Didn't know if Perry wanted to fuck him, or kill him, while visions of hash oil danced in my head. I loved him. Did he know it? Didn't matter, I'd wait. Those were the days.

#

When the shit hit the fan, I was writing a column, "All About Eve", for Whipt! Detroit's alternative entertainment magazine. Whipt! was a lot more than some boring entertainment mag,though. It was a jittery explosion of art, parties, bands and politics chaotically crammed between a folded full-color cover. It was published in Detroit, in a grimy hundred-year-old building with marble floors and gilt-trimmed ceilings.

#

When all hell broke loose I was 38 and still writing for Whipt! They sent me to Joe Louis Arena to interview Steven Tyler. All things come to those who wait. I dropped a couple tabs of acid to take the edge off and put on my Vampirella dress. They told me I could have fifteen minutes before he went on. I went in. He was sixty years old and looked more like ninety. I had to wait to start the interview till he put his teeth in. He asked me if I had any Viagra. Christ. I walked out. Screw that. Anyway, the Stones are in town next month.


Opening: Debhoag.....Continuation: Evil Editor

Cartoon 230

Caption: Robin S.

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Face-Lift 572

Guess the Plot

Beach Boulevard

1. The Sand Maven's amazing story begins with a sparkling seaside flirtation, moves into the shadowland of hanky-panky, slides through a dark gutter of scandal, and finally gropes its way from a dungeon of guilt to the glowing sunset of nostalgia. Plus, a murder mystery, a hurricane, and handsome pirates.

2. A story of star-crossed loves, life's inevitable suffering, faith, and a perfectly crafted slingshot, partially set on Beach Boulevard.

3. As a hurricane blows in, Mae Wong and her crew of burly lifeguards dash along the beach trying to convince the last drunks to board the rescue bus to Kansas, but that diabolical gang known as the Weather Underground hovers nearby in an underwater sub -- preparing to unleash the full power of their Nuclear Vortexicating Implodimatic Blasticon! Will our heroes save Sandbar Bob in time?

4. When rich heiresses start finding their lost poodles washed up on the sand, everyone knows masked Detective Sgt. Bud Frickenshaw must find the Fiend Feline of Beach Boulevard -- before the pesky kitty kills again! But what about beautiful Evelyn Smith and her missing butler? And those surfboards the Jackson twins can't find???

5. Anaheim, California: a city where dreams go to die, where the cheap motels, bars and strip joints suck up more than their fair share of people. Detective Zack Martinez doesn't work here, but when the daughter of his second wife's new husband winds up dead outside the Matterhorn Bar, he knows he'll have to get involved.

6. Rathbone Surcote has a dream: to replace the white sand of SoCal with blacktop and organize the bitchenist race circuit in the world. Standing in his way is a militant organization of surfers, a group of environmentalists concerned about a bunch of terminally ill whales, and riptides capable of washing entire packs of competitors out to sea. But when a beautiful urban planner realizes there may be a way to ease congestion in the city's major arteries by routing traffic to the shore, Rathbone realizes he may have a chance.


Original Version

Little nine years old Sonny Lacroix carved his sling shot from a single piece of pine wood. It was a beautiful work of art for a nine year old boy. He worked for days to carve its Y shape, and then spent another few days sanding its rough edges to perfection. It felt so good in his hand; so smooth. Who would ever think that such an innocent child's toy as this could set up a sequence of events which would have generations-long consequences for so many? [And yet when Sonny shoots an acorn at a chicken, who mistakenly assumes the sky is falling, it's not long before planet-wide war breaks out.]

Beach Boulevard is not just the story of star-crossed loves [as you might have assumed from my opening paragraph]; at a deeper level it asks the fundamental questions of faith: Can each of us survive life's inevitable suffering, without faith? If you have real faith, must it be tested?

Beach Boulevard as told to us by Rudy Lacroix begins in the early forties on Beach Boulevard in Bay St. Louis, Mississippi. It was a conservative time and place. The action in Beach Boulevard [What action? So far there's been no action except the three-day whittling of a block of pine into a Y shape.] moves to Los Angeles during the late fifties and sixties. We experience many changes through that era of cultural upheaval. Finally, matters resolve [What matters resolve? There've been no matters.] with a surprise ending back where we started: On Beach Boulevard. [The surprise is that something finally happens.]

Coming in at 85,000 words, Beach Boulevard is a Literary Fiction novel which allows each reader to answer those questions for herself. [What questions?] My name is XXXX XXXXXXX and I wrote Beach Boulevard for the mature audience.


Notes

The only part of this that isn't vague is the building of the slingshot, but we don't care how meticulous the kid is in carving and sanding his toy. We're willing to listen to one sentence telling us what he does with his toy that sets the story in motion, but after that we want to know who the characters are and what their goals and obstacles are. In other words, the plot. When and where aren't especially important. Who and what and why should be your focus.

Whose faith is tested? Who's suffering? Why does the story move to Los Angeles? Tell us something about the main characters. Tell us why we would want to read their story. This query doesn't provide any information about your story. Start over.

Cartoon 229

Caption: WO

Your caption on the next cartoon! Link in sidebar.

Saturday Film Series

Reservations are recommended. There's not much room in Evil Editor's Shorts.

New Beginning 558

Addy Harper climbed the stairs of the Harper Street Shelter for what she sincerely hoped was the last time that day. She was tired all the way down to her bones, and there was nothing in the world she wanted more than a hot bath and a chance to climb between her pretty floral sheets for eight blissful hours.

She made it into her office and through the phone messages that Sandy had left on her desk. She'd worked a head-pounding ten-hour day today, then spent another precious two hours schmoozing potential donors at a gallery opening in Old Tucson. Her feet hurt, her head hurt, and exhaustion was making her stupid.

The financial woes of the shelter, always touch and go, had taken a big hit a month ago, when they learned they were losing a grant due to lack of future funding.

"I'm sorry, Addy," Mike Green had told her, real regret in his eyes. "Feds are cutting funding at every level. We're just not going to have it to give this year."

Addy had nodded, knowing Mike's hands were tied by the political climate. With a heavy heart, she'd called in the bookkeeper. They wrestled long into the night with a brainstorming session the likes of which Addy had never known, and at last came up with a plan to close the funding gap. Two hectic weeks later they had completed the reorganization and opened the Harper Street Shelter and Organ Bank.

Now, exhausted but with a clear sense of hope, Addy began thumbing through the list of potential donors she'd found pan-handling outside the gallery.


Opening: Debhoag......Continuation: ril

Cartoon 228

Caption: Evil Editor
Photo: David56Butch
Your caption on the next cartoon! Link in sidebar.

Face-Lift 571

Guess the Plot

Semiprecious

1. Jewell drifts from man to man: a Vietnam vet, a rock musician, a used car dealer, a right wing Christian. This may explain why her four daughters, Ruby, Emerald, Pearl and Jade, are so different. When Jewell is killed, can the girls draw on each other's strengths as they make their way into adulthood?

2. Habbard G'Lana, King of Huylandia, has four daughters: Opal, Jasper, Agate and Aventurine. He summons Princes of all lands to compete for their hands in marriage. But will an assassination attempt, a murder, and the sudden appearance of a dragon derail the happy event? Also, a hunchbacked wizard.

3. When all the other girls got assigned their jewel names for their coming of age, Heidelleine got Quartz. Not Beryl, or Lapis or some other respected semiprecious stone, but the common quartz...thus dooming her to a life of common labor in the high tech manufactory. But when she meets Jayson Obsidian, together they make...The Tool of Endor!

4. Daughter #1 was "Precious", so what nickname did dad come up with for daughter #2??? Semiprecious. And that is why 90 pound weakling Jane Melrose is slinking through the dark alleys of Brooklyn in search of a drug dealer, when voila! She meets a hunky dude in a bat suit! Will they get a burger and fries? Or heroin for two?

5. When Gollum's evil twin Gomer learns that the ring of power has been destroyed, he sets out to locate a plastic ring he once found in a Cracker Jack box, dubbing the trinket his . . . Semiprecious.

6. Open-road trucker Chuck Watson has always called his semi "Precious." But when the other truck drivers at Big Mama's Truck Stop see him talking to his rig and kissing its hood, Chuck gets a ribbing like never before. Can he regain his self-respect by winning the National Truck Roadeo?


Original Version

Dear NAME,

I am writing to introduce you to my literary novel, Semiprecious, for which I am currently seeking agency representation.

A family saga running from 1972 through 2004, Semiprecious is a journey into the blue-collar upper Midwest, where the paper industry steadily churns trees into noxious smoke and the corner bars are neon-lit havens of working class camaraderie though [through] the long, bleak winters. At the novel's center is freewheeling matriarch Jewell McQuinn, an irrepressible frizzy-haired blonde determined to live a life a million times bolder and happier than her mother's ever was. Often seeing herself as a the star of her own TV show, Jewell spends decades drifting across central Wisconsin with a cigarette in hand, hopping from adventure to adventure, job to job…and man to man. Over the years, she becomes involved with a haunted Vietnam vet, a local rock musician, a used car dealer, and even a right wing Christian keen on changing her sinful ways.

Out of these relationships come children: four daughters uniquely affected by their mother's unconventional lifestyle. Growing up inhaling her secondhand smoke, encountering her half-dressed boyfriends in the middle of the night, and exhilarated by the escapades they share with her, Jewell's daughters each develop their own methods of survival. Ruby, the eldest, is chronically embarrassed by her mother [yet exhilerated by her escapades?] and, in response, angrily champions all things traditional and conservative. Her sister Emerald, meanwhile, idolizes and emulates Jewell's rebellious spirit. Pearl, sensitive and pensive, retreats into quiet fantasy worlds--while Jade, the youngest, cultivates a cold, lovely aloofness that masks the painful secrets of her childhood. [Once you said they each developed their own method of survival, that was enough. We don't care who used which method. We want to know something that happens.] When Jewell is suddenly, violently removed from their lives one winter night in 1996, [Finally. An event.] the sisters must draw on each other's strengths as they each awkwardly stumble into adulthood.

But while Semiprecious is largely the story McQuinn girls' relationship to their mother, it is also very much the story of their relationship to the "mother" city they grow up inside. Most of the novel is set in Pawlaw, Wisconsin, a fictional city based on my hometown (Wausau, WI) and infused with just as much northern Fish Fry Friday culture and pioneer logging lore as the real place. [I don't care to read about the McQuinn girls' relationship to Pawlaw and its fish-fry culture. Not in the query anyway.] Like the McQuinn sisters, Pawlaw, too, experiences growing pains while moving toward the new millennium, as the Hmong immigration explosion of the mid-1980s forces a 99% white small town population to readjust its norms and attitudes. [If we put the first phrase last, this would make a great entry in our next bad analogy exercise: Pawlaw experiences growing pains while moving toward the new millennium as the Hmong immigration explosion of the mid-1980s forces a small town population to readjust its attitudes . . . like the McQuinn sisters.]

Narrated in a third person omniscient voice with a tongue-in-cheek sense of humor throughout, the full manuscript of Semiprecious runs 54 chapters, 584 pages. I have enclosed the first chapter ("Opening Credits") for your review. If you are interested in reading further sample chapters or the entire manuscript, please contact me and I will happily forward you additional material. I have enclosed an SASE for your response.

Thank you very much for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,


Notes

There's some nice writing in the query, which can't hurt your cause, but the query is too long. I'd dump the Pawlaw paragraph entirely. You can also eliminate the following paragraph. Add the word count to your first paragraph. Page and chapter count don't matter. Word count shouldn't matter either, as 50,000 words that are mostly dialogue will fill more pages than 60,000 words that are mostly action and description, but word count is what everyone hitches their wagon to.

Using your page count, I conclude that your book is over 140,000 words. I don't see how you can hold our attention that long without leaving central Wisconsin, but if you can, some mighty interesting stuff must happen to these characters, and you need to provide some examples in the query instead of the lengthy descriptions of each daughter's personality.

Perhaps the book should end when Jewell dies, and the story of the gems can be the sequel. That'll shorten it considerably, and if we cut out the growing pains of Pawlaw, that's another 20,000 words saved. See how easy that is?

I would choose a main character and focus on her. Not Jewell if the book runs eight years after her death. One of the daughters. The one who's you, if one of them is you. Otherwise maybe the eldest.

I'm not sure how we reconcile the claim that Jewell spends decades drifting across central Wisconsin with the statement that most of the novel is set in one city.

I'm not crazy about Jewell naming all her daughters after gems. Possibly I'm the only person who would find it hard to like a character who found that idea cute.

The two references to Jewell's smoking aren't needed in the query.

Cartoon 227

Caption: Anon.

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New Beginning 557

The mist crackled with static electricity as the storm clouds rose high above the De Carteret ranch. A constant rumble vibrated the ground as the combine and its army of trucks turtled along the dirt roads, trying to reach the barns before the rain. Thunder made the horses skittish. They kicked at the stall doors as lightning flashed, turning twilight to noon with strobe-like brightness. Two-dozen ranch hands sprinted against time, trying to subdue nature, store the hay bales, load the crops and shelter the equipment. A cold wind rushed from the western sky announcing the storm as the ranch hands and truckers covered their loads with canvas. Paired together for the next few days as they began the long ride to the commodities auctions.

Fat drops of rain raised dry dust before making mud. The raindrops thumped against the roof of the barn as the last trucked rolled out of the doors. A bolt of lightening crossed from the heavens to the farm's electric transformer eight times before it stayed in the clouds. The transformer burst open, raining sparks and flaming oil onto the road. The line fell limp as the transformer and pole burnt. The victory of flame short-lived. A wall of water poured out of the sky as the storm broke. Dust turned to mud, rain barrels overflowed to cisterns, French drains gushed and mud streams became torrents. Kakashi retrieved a lantern from the barn as the electric flickered, dimmed and went out. A second figure left the barn with a lantern and like fireflies, the pair sprinted from the barns to the house in the deluge.

Kakashi reached the house first and burst into the kitchen. Water puddled around him as he put down the lamp and hauled off his thick leather boots. Minutes later, Dan De Carteret lurched inside. Water dripped from the end of his nose and his thick cotton shirt was soaked a deep blue and stretched across his belly.

De Carteret glared at his Native American foreman. "God dammit, Kakashi!" He put down his lantern and grabbed a towel. "Next time you drop a hammer on your foot, try not to do a God damned rain dance!"


Opening: Dave F......Continuation: Anon.

Cartoon 226

Caption: Anon.

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