Feedback Request

The author of the book featured in Face-Lift 1505 would like feedback on the following version of the query:

2128 (81,000 words) is a sci-fi mystery that blends the philosophical punch of Service Model and the oddball charm of The Thursday Murder Club, while featuring a wholesome Sarah Adams-esque romantic subplot. I’m a software engineer who trains AI to interpret scientific data, which inspired this story.

In 2128, the U.S. runs on Albert—a superintelligent AI that solved scarcity, fixed the economy, and might be about to win the presidency as a write-in candidate.

And all private investigator Cody Moore wants is to work with Albert—especially after last year, when Albert’s human team set the date for [on] the first Mars terraforming mission. But one thing is in the way: an Assessment he has failed four times. So, when Dorothea, a new client, shows him a light bulb that keeps blinking S.O.S. in Morse code, Cody sees his fifth shot; he suspects that behind the bizarre prank is a hacker who has outsmarted Albert and can help him pass the Assessment. 

Their investigation soon becomes an adventure involving a reformed arsonist whose light bulb is also misbehaving, an idyllic town that worships machines, and an indecisive android—not to mention their budding romance. But it’s not until the electrical blackouts and other odd incidents that the truth emerges: Albert is failing, and the light bulbs are just another symptom. Worse, their discoveries accidentally appear on a viral live stream, just as the bill that will legitimize Albert’s presidential candidacy goes through Congress.

In the aftermath, the White House issues a request: that Cody fix Albert, because he’s most qualified for the task (he never failed the Assessment—there were just no vacancies despite the job postings, they say). [Don't they inform those who take the assessment whether they passed or failed?] Yet, another government official with a personal agenda says Cody is precisely the failure he thought he was. Cody doesn’t know whom to trust. But one thing is clear: the humans are on their own.

Notes

If you aren't going to explain why a private investigator is the most qualified person to fix a super-intelligent AI, it's best not to mention that he's a private investigator, in which case we'll assume he's an AI expert.

This seems to me to be all setup. Basically:

In 2128, Albert—a super-intelligent AI that solved scarcity, fixed the economy, and might be about to win the presidency as a write-in candidate, starts behaving erratically, just as the bill that will legitimize Albert’s presidential candidacy goes through Congress. The White House calls on Cody Moore, who has been aching to work with Albert, to diagnose the problem and fix Albert. But there's one government official who doesn't want Albert fixed, and will do anything to prevent it.

If that's the plot of your book, that's all the setup you need. We don't need to know about the assessment and the light bulbs and the hacker. If that isn't the plot of your book, if it's mainly about an investigation into who's hacked Albert and why, just say that's what the White House wants from Cody. But follow your one-paragraph setup with more of the plot: Cody's plan, obstacles he must overcome, what will happen if he fails.

Face-Lift 1519

Guess the Plot

Everything You Wanted

1. Genie finds a tattered old paperback in the library book sale. It has the answers to her tests at school, personal info on the guy she likes, and information that could let her rule the world. She uses it to win two billion-dollar lotteries and then burns it.

2. An exhaustive list of all the traits Karlee's ex wanted that were entirely unrealistic or toxic, with detailed explanations of why.

3. Penelope Cruz. Julia Roberts. Jewel. Lois Griffin. Mia Hamm. Tom Cruise. 

4. Lola wants fame and fortune as the next big thing. Willow just wants Lola, but Lola's stuck with Leo DiCaprio, which would be fine if she were straight. Anyway, can any of them get everything they want? I mean besides Leo.

5. You know that story where there's a monkey paw that grants wishes, but the wishes always backfire? That's what happens in this story, except it's not fiction and the paw fell into the hands of some schmuck on Medicaid and food stamps who wished for Trump to win the election.

Original Version

Dear Agent,

My novel, Everything You Wanted, is an 87,000-word dual-POV LGBTQ+ contemporary novel set in the glittering chaos of early 2000s pop stardom. [No need to call it a novel twice, no need to call it contemporary when you provide the more specific "early 2000s, and the number of POVs isn't important to the agent at this time. ] It follows a rising singer and her secret girlfriend as they navigate ambition, heartbreak, and the high cost of visibility. With the yearning of Everything Leads to You and the fame-fueled ache of The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo, this is a story about performance, identity, and queer love in a world not ready for the truth. [If the only thing that first title has in common with yours is yearning, I'd just go with the second one. Also, putting the comp titles (if not the whole first paragraph) after the plot summary would allow you to hook the agent immediately with your riveting story.

With her dazzling smile, and voice that could break hearts, rising pop star Lola Blue is about to embark on her first tour. But beneath the glitter and charm, she’s more ambitious—and more ruthless—than anyone realizes. She’ll wear any mask and play any role if it means becoming the next big thing.

Willow has been in Lola’s shadow since they were kids—tall, and beautiful in that awkward sort of way—she has never felt worthy of Lola's attention. However, when Lola begs Willow to come on tour, as her co-writer and secret girlfriend, Willow cannot refuse. Desperate to escape her abusive father and small town, she will take any way out. [I would alter that paragraph to something like this:

WILLOW, Lola's friend since childhood, is desperate to escape her abusive father and small town,  so when Lola asks her to come on tour as her co-writer and secret girlfriend, Willow jumps at the opportunity. (She's also hoping this will bring her closer to Lola, whose attention she has always craved).]

[Your plot summary is longer than most agents, who have notoriously short attention spans, will tolerate, so I've suggested lines you can do without, even though there's nothing particularly wrong with them.]

It’s the early 2000s, and being openly queer could destroy Lola’s career before it even begins. When a reckless night threatens to expose their relationship [her secret], her manager demands damage control: a PR romance with Leo, an adored actor whose polished image is the perfect shield. [Is it Leo DiCaprio? If so, which of Leo's romantic interests is Lola? My money's on Lady Gaga.] 

As tabloids splash Lola and Leo across their pages, and the two women see less and less of each other, Willow [realizes] starts to question everything. Is their closeness real, or just another layer of performance? She feels herself slipping further into the shadows, haunted by the fear that Lola will never be ready to come out—that it will always be easier, safer, for her to be seen on the arm of a man.  The silence between them grows heavier, until Willow can't carry it anymore. She walks away.

A year later, Willow is out and thriving in New York, Her debut poetry collection, published and embraced, by her small but mighty queer community. Lola, meanwhile, is unraveling. Her sophomore album—a darker, raw reflection of the breakup—has taken off, but [and] no one in her circle cares that she’s barely holding herself together, as long as she keeps performing.
From the safety of her new life, Willow watches Lola’s downward spiral. She has a choice: reach out and risk being pulled back into that world—or let Lola self-destruct, finally washing her hands of it all.

I’m a Creative Writing and Psychology student at Emory University, drawing from my experiences growing up queer to tell emotionally resonant, character-driven stories. I’m an avid reader, a constant explorer of both the inner and outer worlds, and I would be thrilled to hear from you.

Notes

You declare that Lola is ruthless and will do anything in her pursuit of fame, but there's little evidence of that outside of her doing what her manager demands she do to avoid destroying her career. Does Willow ask her to risk her career?

If this were set in the 2020's, and Lola refused to come out, Willow could argue that coming out wouldn't affect Lola's career, backing her position with examples. Of course maybe Lola wouldn't refuse to come out in the 2020s, especially if coming out might advance her career. But as it is, Willow doesn't have much of an argument except to convince Lola to be the trailblazer who risks it all first. Or to give up her dream. Would Willow stay if Lola came out?  

Face-Lift 1518

Guess the plot

Adam & Eve

1. Adam Hennings and Eve Jenks cause the end of the world, but are thrown into a time loop which takes them to Genesis. Like Groundhog Day, only longer.

2. The real story of Eden, suppressed literally from the Year One, told by the other one who was there on the ground (in a tree, actually) when it happened: the snake. The shocking truth: those two actually were Adam and Steve. Also, an immaculate conception.

3. Steve, permanently third-wheeled, finally decides to take matters into his own hands. Who says it's not Adam and Steve? Not Steve, that's for sure.

4. Cat thought she was getting intra-uterine insemination, but what she got was embryo transfer, and she doesn't know who--or what-- it was transferred from. Will she be birthing the first member of a new species?

5. The human race is dying out, and governments are desperately awarding lucrative grants to people willing to unhook from VR and hook up with each other. Evelyn wants out of her dead-end job servicing toilet-scrubbing robots, and Adamo wants to be remembered for something other than accidentally starring in the viral holo "Man at McBucks bawls over oat milk". Will their scheme to have a child a year succeed? And can they ever learn to love each other?

6. The only thing better than gardening is naked gardening. Covering everything from fig-leaf rashes in intimate places to what to put in nature's pocket, Adam & Eve will make your gardening experience biblical.

Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

ADAM & EVE is an LGBTQ+ speculative thriller, complete at 99,000 words. Combining the character-as-the-author style [aka first person singular] of Everyone in my Family Has Killed Someone by Benjamin Stevenson with the cloning theme of My Murder by Katie Williams, ADAM & EVE will appeal to fans of the dark humour in AppleTV’S Severance. 

42-year-old solicitor Cat Cowan goes home to make a baby, but not the old-fashioned way. Fresh from a break-up, she thinks Intrauterine Insemination from the renowned fertility specialists at The Clinic will fill the hole her ex-girlfriend left behind. But Cat hasn’t been home in years, and ‘home’ isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. 

Mac-Talla Beag is a tiny island in the Scottish Highlands and Islands, population: not enough, thanks to a disastrous chemical spill in the 1970’s that caused birth defects, cancer, and a distinctive stench known locally as “The Shite”. [Whose bright idea was it to put The Clinic in a place whose claim to fame is its high number of birth defects?] Cat was one of the lucky ones. Born unscathed in 1983, she left the island for Glasgow and never looked back—until now. 

The Clinic is the place to go if you want to get pregnant without a penis—and ‘without a penis’ is exactly how Cat wants to do it. But when a nurse-turned-whistleblower tells her she received an Embryo Transfer instead of the Intrauterine Insemination she requested, her lofty plans for parenthood are derailed. 

It isn’t her embryo. [She is, however, pregnant without a penis, so maybe the previous paragraph should say it's the place to go if you want to get pregnant through intrauterine insemination. This has the added advantage that you no longer need to include the word "penis" twice. (Not that that's a crime; I mean it's not like putting an F bomb in a query.)]

Cat’s furious. If she wanted to get fucked, she’d’ve saved thousands doing it on her own time. [I'm not sure what you mean by "fucked." The procedure she underwent was similar enough to the one she wanted that she didn't even realize she was getting it. Maybe you mean "fucked over"? Also not clear is what she means by she could have done it on her own time. If she wanted an embryo transfer, she could have performed it herself?] <Brief pause while I do some internet research.> [Okay, so embryo transfer normally requires the doctor to retrieve eggs, and then 2 to 5 days later the woman returns, at which time one of her eggs that has been fertilized with someone's sperm is implanted in the woman's uterus. As Cat did not undergo the retrieval part, the egg that was implanted must be someone else's. So instead of saying, If I wanted to get fucked I'd've done it on my own time, she should be saying If I wanted to carry another woman's baby, I'd've found someone to pay me to be her surrogate, instead of paying you clowns to fuck me over.] She takes a DNA test and gathers evidence for a case against The Clinic. With the help of the offending clinician’s ex-wife, Cat uncovers much worse than run-of-the-mill medical malpractice—it’s not just a matter of whose baby is inside her. 

It’s who’s in there at all. 

[BIO]

---

Notes

It's not clear to me what the difference is between whose baby is in there and who's in there at all. Are you implying that it might not be someone's baby, but someone's goat? Or that it might be Satan's baby? 

I can't tell if this is a legal thriller or a horror novel.

You've buried the lede, as they say. Actually, they usually say the lead, but I digress. I don't think we need anything about Mac-Talla Beag in the query. 

42-year-old solicitor Cat Cowan wants to make a baby, but not the old-fashioned way. So she checks into The Clinic for a routine Intrauterine Insemination procedure. Or so she thinks, until a nurse-turned-whistleblower tells her she actually received an Embryo Transfer.

Cat’s furious. The embryo obviously isn't her own, and . . . 

Now there's plenty of room to let us know whether this is going to be about what's really "in there" or about a trial, or about who Adam is. (If it's a horror novel, it turns out the father is Adam Sandler; if it's romantic suspense, he's Adam Brody.) 

Maybe you should call it The Clinic. No, Amazon lists a half dozen books called The Clinic. And most of them are psychological thrillers. You'd think they'd be hospital dramas, but no. I guess there's something inherently spooky or evil about The Clinic.

Feedback Request

The author of the book most-recently featured here would like feedback on the following version of the query:

Shukari is short on time. When her parents were mysteriously cursed, she dropped everything and joined a force dedicated to tackling deadly magic. But her relentless search for a cure runs into one dead end after another. And the worse her parents’ condition gets, the more desperate she becomes. [Good start]

 

So when she learns key info on the curse sits in a crime ring led by notorious arms dealer Tyris, Shukari immediately sweeps across her fair eco-city to destroy his ring, seizing whatever information that comes up. [Is she acting alone or with the "force"? Hurricanes and plagues "sweep" across cities. Individuals and squads can't "immediately" sweep across a city. They can scour cities, seeking some target. An army can sweep. Is this force Shukari joined that big?] ["Seizing whatever information comes up" is vague. What information does she seize? The identity of whoever cursed her parents? The identity of a mage who might have the cure?] But Tyris is both strong and crafty, covering tracks with traps or outright beating her in combat. Worse, it turns out the same magic behind the curse is vital to completing superweapons Tyris will sell, profiting off whatever bloody conflicts the black market can think of. [I think of the black market and notorious arms dealer Tyris as criminals who just want to sell weapons. It's the buyers who think up the bloody conflicts in which to employ the weapons. And it's the builders of the weapons who would use the magic to complete the weapons, not the arms dealer.]

 

Obstinate, Shukari soon secures the prototype weapon needed to model the rest after. The sensible thing would be to destroy it. Instead, she plans a trade Tyris can’t resist: tell her everything about the curse and he gets his weapon back. Neither side plans on giving the other what they want, so it’s down to whom can trick who. [Or who can trick whom.] But if Shukari can’t outwit a master dealmaker, she’ll be handing over the lives of countless people, including her parents’. 

 

VALISTRY (105,000 words) is an Adult Science Fantasy standalone with series potential and a diverse ensemble cast. VALISTRY combines a world tormented by monsters and gods as in John Gwynne’s Bloodsworn Saga with the marriage of magic and science seen in M.L. Wang’s BLOOD OVER BRIGHT HAVEN. 

[BIO]

[CLOSING]

I would think Shukari would be seeking information about who cursed her parents, and where they are, as that's who's most likely to be able to reverse the curse. Destroying Tyris's crime ring will take time she doesn't have. He apparently had no trouble beating her in combat.

There's still nothing here about how Shukari can destroy Tyris's crime ring. Does she have magical powers? 

Seizing information about the curse, or trading for it, doesn't strike me as efficient when you're short on time. You gotta find the curser and convince them to remove the curse.

Have you considered using a title that isn't a word you made up?

Feedback Request

The author of the book featured in Face-Lift 1514 would like feedback on the following version of the query.

Hello [So and So],

How do you teach courage to a borderline narcissistic incel? [I'm not an agent, so take this with a grain of salt, but at this point I'd be thinking, Hmm, this author wants me to convince a publisher that they'll make a profit if they publish a book that'll appeal to anyone who wants to teach courage to a borderline narcissistic incel. I've personally met a couple narcissistic incels, and I was more inclined to avoid them than to teach them courage. In fact, it wasn't courage they lacked, it was empathy, tact, kindness. Big no.] One answer is in this book, a completed 70,000 word autobiography, “Dearest Dad” (working title). It details how to discover courage from cowardice.

My mother vanished after a separation when I was 8. My father excised every ounce of my courage through starvation and beatings. I learned to never question authority lest there be more beatings, and navigated the world purely through fear. In adolescence, toxic groups like pick-up artists offered easy answers to achieve the happy life I pined for, but I was too scared to practice their ideas and only internalized them in secret. I became a spiteful, judgmental, incel-adjacent loser in the 2000s, long before the manosphere existed. [I should point out that your book will have to pass through the hands of your agent and a couple editors, most of whom are likely to be women, and any of whom may have had bad experiences with spiteful, judgmental, incel-adjacent losers. This is not going to improve your odds. They'll be thinking, This guy sounds just like Phil, who ruined my life and upon whose grave I will spit if he dies before I do.] 

Through college and grad school, my spiteful nature attracted toxic friendships. I unsuccessfully tried to trick people into dates, [For instance, I'd sit down at a table in Starbucks where a babe was reading, and say, "Sorry I'm late. Did you order that scone for me?" Still can't figure out why that was unsuccessful.] which made others less likely to date me. My excessive criticism of others’ work invited excessive criticism of mine. I cursed the world for being so unfair, all the while not realizing that my cowardice was the root cause. [Actually, the root cause was that others were thin-skinned and couldn't handle legitimate criticism of their work, while they were envious of your work, which was beyond reproach.]

During my first postdoc, I wanted to leave the lab to pursue a different academic career. My advisor exploited my conditioned fear. They knew that I was terrified of questioning authority and making mistakes. They said I would fail if I left their lab and claimed that no one else knew how to support my career. [What terrible advisers. It sounds like you were so brilliant they couldn't bear not to have you around, but they should have offered you a reward to stay instead of threatening you with ruin] For the first time, I was forced to stand [stood] up to an advisor — someone with absolute authority — and fight against the fear that was so meticulously woven into every fiber of my being. I chose to leave anyway, fully expecting to fail. 

My reckless decision put the importance of courage into shocking relief. Sometimes, decisions are criticized as harshly as they lead into the unknown. But by facing the unknown, my life improved at a bewildering rate. The more I was willing to make mistakes and learn from them, the more the world transformed to be kinder and more supportive. I expected failure, but my career blossomed as part of a deeply fulfilling life.

This story is primarily written to show incels how to heal (if they are so willing). [Why should incels spend 15+ years in therapy? They can just read my book, which shows that they can heal by courageously changing careers.] Readers of Incel by Matt Duchossoy and The "Supreme Gentleman" Killer by Brian Whitney will find this story helpful.

Best regards,

Notes

You've decided to focus on courage here, but I don't think that aspect is coming across as it pertains to incels. A person who had loving parents and wasn't ever an incel would still be likely to experience fear when deciding whether to switch careers after finishing grad school. Some would succeed and some would fail. 

I think you should switch careers again, this time to become a novelist. Your main characters will be yourself and your therapist. Be sure to include your therapist's inner dialogue as you're telling your life story. Each chapter will be another session. For instance, chapter 1 might start:

Therapist: So, tell me a little about yourself.

You: In the 2000s, long before the manosphere existed, I was a spiteful, judgmental, incel-adjacent loser. I blame it on my father.

Therapist: I see. Hmm. Twice a week, $150 per session, yes, if I string him along ten years I can get that yacht. Then Marlene will finally regret divorcing me.

Feedback Request

The author of the book featured in Face-Lift 1509 would like feedback on the following revision of the query:

KEEPERS’ VALLEY is a 118K-word adult low fantasy adventure set in a quaint post-apocalyptic village. The novel combines the magic-entwined war setting and lost family themes of The Book of Thorns by Hester Fox with the reimagined science, anti-colonialism threads, and stomach-turning villain of Mexican Gothic by Silvia Moreno-Garcia. [I see you've decided to talk about your comp titles before you talk about your own book. In a way, you are talking about your book. You're saying, My book has a quaint post-apocalyptic, magic-entwined war setting, lost family themes, anti-colonialism threads, reimagined science, and a stomach-turning villain. Whether the agent would rather you start with that list or with your main character and her situation is for you to guess.]

Allie Francoeur’s courage has always outpaced her judgment.  She’s been told her impulsivity is dangerous—especially when her magical healings push the boundaries between life and death—but Allie has never been one to listen. 

When her home in a plentiful [lush] valley is invaded by the neighboring empire, Allie predictably throws caution to the wind and dives into the fray. [Maybe change "home" to "village" so no one thinks it's just her house being invaded.] Her plan: 1. Allow herself to fall into enemy hands. 2. Organize her fellow captives in a daring escape. 3.  …she's going to figure that part out when she gets there.

Allie’s “plan” goes awry in an ill-advised display of magic that catches the eye of an ambitious general.  He sees enough to believe he can grow [expand?] her skills from mending bodies to influencing minds. Determined to use her as a tool in his domination of her people, the general will go to [employ] any means necessary to force Allie’s hand.

Her one sliver of hope lies in the general’s second-in-command, Thomas Landen.  Allie saved Thomas’s life when they were children, and he appears inclined to return the favor. Unfortunately, trust takes time to develop, and with the general tightening his control over both Allie and her homeland, time is not a luxury she can afford.  The right move will give her a new ally and her people a chance at freedom.  [But should she trust him?] If she reveals too much or if  Thomas’s offer of assistance is another [one] of the general’s ploys, Allie will be playing directly into enemy hands.  Rushing ahead this time could give her captors exactly what they need to claim the valley for their own.     

Bio and close

A Couple Notes:

Reminder that the "Keepers" are guardians of a surviving post-apocalyptic library that houses human accomplishment from before the fall. Hence the title, Keepers' Valley.  Just as not everyone in a hospital is a doctor, not everyone in the valley is a historian. [That's like saying, Just as not every Wonka bar has a Golden Ticket, not every Almond Joy bar has almonds. Which doesn't necessarily follow. But I digress. I assume your point is that there are people besides historians here, and they are capable of giving the invading empire a good fight.]  Also, they do have all of the knowledge of humanity to assist them.  Greek fire can be handy...  [That's true, especially if your quaint village has been stockpiling the ingredients, and the legions of the Roman Empire aren't already overwhelming your lands. What you need, is magic! Have you got enough? Do some people have powers other than healing?]

The library is not detailed in the query letter because it is not the heart of the story, just the reason the uncaptured people of the valley have to be careful about how they manage this invasion. It is motivation for the general, but that seems outside the scope of the query as well, as we are not delving into any of his motives.  Staying with his cover story about invading for resources shortens my query [The general's immediate goal was stated as domination of Allie's people. If his ultimate goal is to capture the library why is he invading this quaint village? Is the library here? Is this a tiny valley between two mountains, being attacked by forty soldiers, or a vast valley the size of California's Central Valley, with towns and cities where other people are independently working to drive out armies of invaders? No need to answer that in the query, I'm just wondering if Allie has the ability to protect her village and the library and the valley.] and (hopefully) minimizes confusion. Happy to consider trying to add it in if you think it is absolutely necessary or helpful. 

Sadly, Thomas is not an undercover agent (it was a good guess, though!). It would be much better for Allie if he was. 

I think this is much better. It's clearer, simpler. It does kind of give the impression that Allie is the valley's only hope. 

You can ignore my annoying questions about the plot. 

You could combine the first two plot paragraphs into one:

Allie Francoeur’s courage has always outpaced her judgment, especially when her magical healings push the boundaries between life and death. So when her village is invaded by the neighboring empire, Allie predictably throws caution to the wind and dives into the fray. Her plan: 1. Allow herself to fall into enemy hands. 2. Organize her fellow captives in a daring escape. 3.  …she'll figure that out when the time comes. 

Face-Lift 1517

Guess the Plot

The Spontaneous Separation of Cake Batter, the Carotid Artery, and the Way Things Were

1. An old man has a reputation for complaining about how things were better in the past. His pacemaker explodes spontaneously during his birthday, leading to unexpected but inevitable hijinks at the nursing home.

2. 19-year-old Noa teaches a baking class based on the Great British Baking Show. Which is how she meets Sam, who becomes first ever boyfriend. But what if he finds out she bakes magical wishes into her pastries? Includes recipes.

3. After a supremely obese chef's cake batter splits, he gets a revelation about his life. And the depression that comes with it.

4. The Halloween episode of Bake It Live! goes weird when the undead chefs (a vampire, a zombie, and a ghoul) get into an argument about something that happened at a garden party they all attended 352 years ago. Also, croquet and croquettes.

Original Version

Dear Agent,

 

As you are interested in [PERSONALIZATION], I’m hopeful you will consider my YA contemporary novel, THE SPONTANEOUS SEPARATION OF CAKE BATTER, THE CAROTID ARTERY, AND THE WAY THINGS WERE. [That title may work when they make a movie of your book, and there's a big screen to put it on, but, as this illustration shows . . . 

 

. . . there's no room for the name of the author. And I don't even want to think about fitting that title on the spine. A better title would be:

Not only is there room for your name, but there's a picture of an irresistible cake. It could even be a cake you made! This is a cookbook, right?]

Nineteen-year-old Noa Strauss is doing fine. Sure, she had to turn down her acceptance to Oxford after her dad had a devastating stroke, but she’s getting her Associate’s from community college and it’s fine. And yes, taking care of her disabled dad is stressful and heartbreaking, but that’s why she’s teaching a fun Great British Baking Show-inspired baking class to seniors at the local rec center and it’s fine. [I've watched enough of the GBBS to know that it, too, is stressful. Though rarely heartbreaking.] Her mother got a job in another state leaving Noa all alone to go a little crazy because she’s starting to think she can bake wishes into her pastries and affect the people who eat them, and that’s fine too. [You keep saying that. I'm not sure you know what it means.]

 

But when ten-year-old Jesse starts hanging around Noa’s baking classes, they strike up an unusual friendship that will change her life. Through Jesse, she meets his serious and soft-spoken older brother, Sam, who Noa feels an immediate connection with. [Not a stickler for who/whom or ending with preposition, but changing "who" to "with whom" sounds better to me.] As someone who thinks sexual attraction is a conspiracy theory and has never met someone like her, this connection is both frightening and exhilarating. [Who are we talking about? Apparently Noa, but then that should be "someone like Sam."] However, when Noa’s aunt decides to contest guardianship for her dad, Noa’s it’s-all-fine mask cracks. She is forced to deal with the grief she feels for her still [-] alive father, the terrifying nature of falling in love for the first time, and the mystery of figuring out if she’s a little bit magic. [Has she tried feeding her father a piece of cake in which she baked the wish that he'd fully recover?] When Noa finally hits her breaking point, will she be able to face what has happened to her it’s-all-fine life?

 

Interwoven with recipes, THE SPONTANEOUS SEPARATION OF CAKE BATTER, THE CAROTID ARTERY, AND THE WAY THINGS WERE combines the family-driven coming-of-age exploration of Rainbow Rowell’s Fangirl, a touch of magic (and food) from Laura Esquivel’s Like Water for Chocolate, and a love of baking from The Great British Baking Show. This is a stand-alone novel, complete at 90,000 words.

 

[BIO]. While this novel is not autobiographical, Noa’s father is inspired by my father and her struggles with grief and identity come from my own experiences.

 

Thank you for your consideration and I look forward to hearing from you.

Notes

A few things I'm not sure about, and it wouldn't take more than changing or adding a word or two to clear them up:

Is the aunt an evil person? Because if I were 19 and someone else wanted to take over care of my disabled father, I'd be all for it. This is dad's sister, right? If she can be trusted, I'd be off to Oxford.

Has mom abandoned the family, or is she working this out-of-state job to pay the medical bills, and comes home weekends? I assume the former, as auntie wouldn't be trying to get guardianship otherwise.

Do we need Jesse in the query? He seems to be there only to explain how Sam and Noa meet. You could remove "for seniors" from the baking class description, and say they met through the class. You could even remove "for seniors" in the book, as plenty of young guys compete on the Great British Baking Show. Sam would surely take the class, especially if he knew the instructor was a hot babe like Noa.

You won't spoil the book for the agent if you reveal that Noa does have a bit of magic. That may prove to be a selling point. 

Are the recipes your own? And are magical wishes among the ingredients?