Feedback Request

The author of the book featured in Face-Lift 1509 would like feedback on the following revision of the query:

KEEPERS’ VALLEY is a 118K-word adult low fantasy adventure set in a quaint post-apocalyptic village. The novel combines the magic-entwined war setting and lost family themes of The Book of Thorns by Hester Fox with the reimagined science, anti-colonialism threads, and stomach-turning villain of Mexican Gothic by Silvia Moreno-Garcia. [I see you've decided to talk about your comp titles before you talk about your own book. In a way, you are talking about your book. You're saying, My book has a quaint post-apocalyptic, magic-entwined war setting, lost family themes, anti-colonialism threads, reimagined science, and a stomach-turning villain. Whether the agent would rather you start with that list or with your main character and her situation is for you to guess.]

Allie Francoeur’s courage has always outpaced her judgment.  She’s been told her impulsivity is dangerous—especially when her magical healings push the boundaries between life and death—but Allie has never been one to listen. 

When her home in a plentiful [lush] valley is invaded by the neighboring empire, Allie predictably throws caution to the wind and dives into the fray. [Maybe change "home" to "village" so no one thinks it's just her house being invaded.] Her plan: 1. Allow herself to fall into enemy hands. 2. Organize her fellow captives in a daring escape. 3.  …she's going to figure that part out when she gets there.

Allie’s “plan” goes awry in an ill-advised display of magic that catches the eye of an ambitious general.  He sees enough to believe he can grow [expand?] her skills from mending bodies to influencing minds. Determined to use her as a tool in his domination of her people, the general will go to [employ] any means necessary to force Allie’s hand.

Her one sliver of hope lies in the general’s second-in-command, Thomas Landen.  Allie saved Thomas’s life when they were children, and he appears inclined to return the favor. Unfortunately, trust takes time to develop, and with the general tightening his control over both Allie and her homeland, time is not a luxury she can afford.  The right move will give her a new ally and her people a chance at freedom.  [But should she trust him?] If she reveals too much or if  Thomas’s offer of assistance is another [one] of the general’s ploys, Allie will be playing directly into enemy hands.  Rushing ahead this time could give her captors exactly what they need to claim the valley for their own.     

Bio and close

A Couple Notes:

Reminder that the "Keepers" are guardians of a surviving post-apocalyptic library that houses human accomplishment from before the fall. Hence the title, Keepers' Valley.  Just as not everyone in a hospital is a doctor, not everyone in the valley is a historian. [That's like saying, Just as not every Wonka bar has a Golden Ticket, not every Almond Joy bar has almonds. Which doesn't necessarily follow. But I digress. I assume your point is that there are people besides historians here, and they are capable of giving the invading empire a good fight.]  Also, they do have all of the knowledge of humanity to assist them.  Greek fire can be handy...  [That's true, especially if your quaint village has been stockpiling the ingredients, and the legions of the Roman Empire aren't already overwhelming your lands. What you need, is magic! Have you got enough? Do some people have powers other than healing?]

The library is not detailed in the query letter because it is not the heart of the story, just the reason the uncaptured people of the valley have to be careful about how they manage this invasion. It is motivation for the general, but that seems outside the scope of the query as well, as we are not delving into any of his motives.  Staying with his cover story about invading for resources shortens my query [The general's immediate goal was stated as domination of Allie's people. If his ultimate goal is to capture the library why is he invading this quaint village? Is the library here? Is this a tiny valley between two mountains, being attacked by forty soldiers, or a vast valley the size of California's Central Valley, with towns and cities where other people are independently working to drive out armies of invaders? No need to answer that in the query, I'm just wondering if Allie has the ability to protect her village and the library and the valley.] and (hopefully) minimizes confusion. Happy to consider trying to add it in if you think it is absolutely necessary or helpful. 

Sadly, Thomas is not an undercover agent (it was a good guess, though!). It would be much better for Allie if he was. 

I think this is much better. It's clearer, simpler. It does kind of give the impression that Allie is the valley's only hope. 

You can ignore my annoying questions about the plot. 

You could combine the first two plot paragraphs into one:

Allie Francoeur’s courage has always outpaced her judgment, especially when her magical healings push the boundaries between life and death. So when her village is invaded by the neighboring empire, Allie predictably throws caution to the wind and dives into the fray. Her plan: 1. Allow herself to fall into enemy hands. 2. Organize her fellow captives in a daring escape. 3.  …she'll figure that out when the time comes.