Feedback Request

The author of the book most-recently featured here would like feedback on the following version of the query:

Shukari is short on time. When her parents were mysteriously cursed, she dropped everything and joined a force dedicated to tackling deadly magic. But her relentless search for a cure runs into one dead end after another. And the worse her parents’ condition gets, the more desperate she becomes. [Good start]

 

So when she learns key info on the curse sits in a crime ring led by notorious arms dealer Tyris, Shukari immediately sweeps across her fair eco-city to destroy his ring, seizing whatever information that comes up. [Is she acting alone or with the "force"? Hurricanes and plagues "sweep" across cities. Individuals and squads can't "immediately" sweep across a city. They can scour cities, seeking some target. An army can sweep. Is this force Shukari joined that big?] ["Seizing whatever information comes up" is vague. What information does she seize? The identity of whoever cursed her parents? The identity of a mage who might have the cure?] But Tyris is both strong and crafty, covering tracks with traps or outright beating her in combat. Worse, it turns out the same magic behind the curse is vital to completing superweapons Tyris will sell, profiting off whatever bloody conflicts the black market can think of. [I think of the black market and notorious arms dealer Tyris as criminals who just want to sell weapons. It's the buyers who think up the bloody conflicts in which to employ the weapons. And it's the builders of the weapons who would use the magic to complete the weapons, not the arms dealer.]

 

Obstinate, Shukari soon secures the prototype weapon needed to model the rest after. The sensible thing would be to destroy it. Instead, she plans a trade Tyris can’t resist: tell her everything about the curse and he gets his weapon back. Neither side plans on giving the other what they want, so it’s down to whom can trick who. [Or who can trick whom.] But if Shukari can’t outwit a master dealmaker, she’ll be handing over the lives of countless people, including her parents’. 

 

VALISTRY (105,000 words) is an Adult Science Fantasy standalone with series potential and a diverse ensemble cast. VALISTRY combines a world tormented by monsters and gods as in John Gwynne’s Bloodsworn Saga with the marriage of magic and science seen in M.L. Wang’s BLOOD OVER BRIGHT HAVEN. 

[BIO]

[CLOSING]

I would think Shukari would be seeking information about who cursed her parents, and where they are, as that's who's most likely to be able to reverse the curse. Destroying Tyris's crime ring will take time she doesn't have. He apparently had no trouble beating her in combat.

There's still nothing here about how Shukari can destroy Tyris's crime ring. Does she have magical powers? 

Seizing information about the curse, or trading for it, doesn't strike me as efficient when you're short on time. You gotta find the curser and convince them to remove the curse.

Have you considered using a title that isn't a word you made up?