12-11-24

 

Feedback Request

The author of the book featured in Face-Lift 1468 would like feedback on the following version of the query.

Dear Agent,

Seventeen-year-old thief Dex would steal from a blind beggar if it meant securing her sister’s freedom from the brothel. But when her latest steal is a letter, it promises gold for completing a delivery from a mysterious benefactor. Hoping for a fresh start, Dex completes the task, only to learn the benefactors are cold-blooded assassins. [That sounds okay, but it raises some questions, the answers to which are probably in the book, but I'll ask them anyway. When Dex reads the letter she stole, how does she know the person she stole it from wasn't in the process of making the delivery, wasn't carrying the item to be delivered? How does she know he didn't deliver the item two days ago, and still has the letter? Does the letter specify what the item is, where to pick it up and where to take it? If so, is her plan to just walk into some den of thieves waving the letter and say, "I'm here to pick up the item," not knowing whether the item was already picked up? When you send a letter to Bob, saying pick up X from Y and bring it to Z, either Y or Z or both will expect Bob to show up, and when Dex shows up instead, it's not going to go well for her. Surely she should realize this. And Bob, having "lost" the letter, will contact Y or Z to get the info in the letter, assuming he didn't memorize it. Also, if I were a thief I'd be stealing money, not letters, and if I accidentally stole a letter, thinking in was cash, I' probably toss the letter in the trash without reading it. All of which is to say, maybe it's better (in the query, if not the book) to just say that a stranger approaches Dex and offers her some gold coins to make a delivery.]

She’s then forced to do another job–steal a powerful artifact, one that will awaken the god of shadows. Tristan is her ruthless mentor, and Dex doesn’t trust him. He’s too secretive, enough to question his loyalties—yet despite her better judgment, she feels a dangerous pull toward him. [I don't think mentor is the right word. He sounds like her babysitter/chaperon, sent to make sure she doesn't betray them. Why didn't they just send Tristan to steal the artifact, and kill Dex, who now knows too much about them?]

Trying to complete the task, Dex learns that if she’s successful, she risks unleashing a power that could enslave the kingdoms. If she refuses, the assassins will make her sister pay the price. Caught between betrayal and deceit, Dex must decide whether to trust Tristan and finish the job, or risk everything to defy the assassins and save the only family she has left.

Mix Assassin’s Creed with Pride and Prejudice to get BROKEN VOWS AND STOLEN HEARTS (92,000) a YA romance fantasy. [Are we supposed to believe the ruthless Tristan, who she doesn't trust, is her romantic interest?] This standalone novel has series potential [as it will be followed by a mix of Emma with World of Warcraft, and Sense and Sensibility with Grand Theft Auto,] and will appeal to readers who like Heartless Hunters by Kristen Ciccarelli and One Dark Window by Rachel Gillig.

I write from my lair in Utah, am an active member of League of Writers, and have professionally edited and written for many years. In my spare time, I either travel or bookbind. 

Thank you for your time and consideration

Notes

You say Dex's choice is between finishing the job or saving her sister. But it sounds to me like finishing the job is the way to save her sister (from the bad guys who otherwise will make her sister pay, not from the god of shadows). If she doesn't steal the artifact, won't they just find another thief to do it? Are Dex and her sister residents of the kingdoms that will be enslaved once the bad guys get the artifact? The only solution seems to be to steal the artifact and destroy it while her ruthless lover Tristan rescues her sister.

Face-Lift 1481

Guess the Plot

The Book of Stolen Ideas

1. Mason Thomas has written a book in which he plagiarizes the ideas of hundreds of philosophers. He titles it My Thoughts on Humankind, but his editor, in a rejection letter, suggests a better title.

2. Angel hair pasta. Air fryers. Cell phones. Caramel popcorn. These are just a few of the great ideas Norm Fleeg came up with only to discover someone else beat him to it. Nobody better steal his latest idea, a sundial you wear on top of your head.

3.Time travelers are using their power for nefarious reasons, like maybe going to the future and stealing ideas, and Perry Van Winkle doesn't like it. So he starts an agency to police these criminals, but it's really hard to jail someone who can disappear into the future and return with a lethal ray gun.

4. When archaeologist Richard Fox discovers an ancient tome in a Roman crypt, he realizes that the veracity of the New Testament is about to be thrown into question. Unless he destroys the book. Is revealing the truth worth it if it destroys an entire religion? Rhetorical question, of course it is.

5. Erwin Ivy works in the patent office, on the side copying down every money making invention ever into a little booklet that's going to make him a zillionaire in the parallel dimension he found. 

Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Having traveled time [time-traveled] the majority of his life, Perry Van Winkle can be [is] sure of one thing: man is made for the present. 

Not the past. And most definitely not the future.
 
It’s the reason he’s founded the Berlin Corner Espionage: a network of people with like-abilities to police the illegitimate practices of time travel. ["The Berlin Corner Espionage" doesn't sound right. I can't tell if "Corner" goes with Berlin or with Espionage. And "The" doesn't go with espionage. "Time Enforcement Commission" (TEC) was already used in the movie Timecop.

How about: It's the reason he’s founded TIME (Time-travel Interception, Management, & Enforcement). You can have that free of charge.] [When you say "people with like-abilities," do you mean the ability to time-travel? In other words, time traveling is a super power only a few people have, rather than something someone invented?] But just as time cannot be controlled, neither can those who play with it. [If the agents of TIME can't control those who abuse time travel what can they do?] A long-lost object that has the potential to control the future [You just said time cannot be controlled. Now you say there's an object that can control the future.] has resurfaced into the hands of Perry Van Winkle’s nemeses, Lionel and Estella Clyborne, and they’re willing to do whatever it takes to break the barrier between ‘now’ and ‘then’: killing their rebellious and estranged son, Dristle; holding captive their prized daughter, Nadya, whose dreams can predict the future; and most importantly, forcing Perry Van Winkle to plunge into the gnarled rabbit hole that is his past. [I don't see how the first two items on that list break the barrier between now and then.]

The Book of Stolen Ideas (78,000 words) is a speculative fiction novel intended for adults. Similar to novels, such as Paradox Bound by Peter Clines, this book has gothic twists and multiple perspectives.

This would be my debut novel. I am native to XXX and currently work in webinar and video production. In my spare time, I enjoy running, cooking, and, much like the characters in my book, playing musical instruments, including piano, flute, and clarinet. [The clarinet inevitably gets drowned out by the brass section. Sell yours on eBay and get a drum set.]

Thank you for your consideration.

Notes

Say you're interested in which stocks are going to go up, or who's gonna win the Super Bowl in 2050. Holding Nadya captive, waiting for her to have a dream about the stock market or the 2050 Super Bowl, and forcing her to tell you what happens, seems less efficient than just sending a time traveler to the future to see what happens and report back. 

The Clybornes have an object that can control the future, but that doesn't seem relevant to their goal of breaking the barrier between now and then. What future event do they want to control with this object? You did start by saying man is most definitely not made for the future. What's the worst-case scenario if the Clybornes use their object to control the future?

Rip Van Winkle was confused and out-of-place when he woke after 20 years. Possibly he felt man was not made for the future. Does Perry go into the future and feel this way? I don't see another reason to use the name Van Winkle, other than to highlight this theme, but it seems heavy-handed to use that name for that reason. We should get the theme without your help. What you've told us about the plot doesn't suggest this is a modern retelling of Rip Van Winkle.

Once you've introduced Perry Van Winkle, you may henceforth refer to him as Perry (or Van Winkle), rather than use his full name. Presumably, in your book, you don't always say Perry Van Winkle.

Did you steal the idea for this book, or is there a book of stolen ideas in this book?

Were the Clybornes Perry's nemeses before he became a timecop? It seems like Perry acquires these nemeses awfully fast after opening his business. Someone find out if Lex Luthor was referred to as Superman's nemesis the first time he appeared in a Superman comic. My sense is that you have to be a recurring character to be a nemesis. Otherwise you're an adversary.

 

A new title in the query queue needs your amusing fake plots.

https://evileditor.blogspot.com/p/query-queue_7.html