Feedback Request

The author of the book featured in Face-Lift 1468 would like feedback on the following version of the query.

Dear Agent,

Seventeen-year-old thief Dex would steal from a blind beggar if it meant securing her sister’s freedom from the brothel. But when her latest steal is a letter, it promises gold for completing a delivery from a mysterious benefactor. Hoping for a fresh start, Dex completes the task, only to learn the benefactors are cold-blooded assassins. [That sounds okay, but it raises some questions, the answers to which are probably in the book, but I'll ask them anyway. When Dex reads the letter she stole, how does she know the person she stole it from wasn't in the process of making the delivery, wasn't carrying the item to be delivered? How does she know he didn't deliver the item two days ago, and still has the letter? Does the letter specify what the item is, where to pick it up and where to take it? If so, is her plan to just walk into some den of thieves waving the letter and say, "I'm here to pick up the item," not knowing whether the item was already picked up? When you send a letter to Bob, saying pick up X from Y and bring it to Z, either Y or Z or both will expect Bob to show up, and when Dex shows up instead, it's not going to go well for her. Surely she should realize this. And Bob, having "lost" the letter, will contact Y or Z to get the info in the letter, assuming he didn't memorize it. Also, if I were a thief I'd be stealing money, not letters, and if I accidentally stole a letter, thinking in was cash, I' probably toss the letter in the trash without reading it. All of which is to say, maybe it's better (in the query, if not the book) to just say that a stranger approaches Dex and offers her some gold coins to make a delivery.]

She’s then forced to do another job–steal a powerful artifact, one that will awaken the god of shadows. Tristan is her ruthless mentor, and Dex doesn’t trust him. He’s too secretive, enough to question his loyalties—yet despite her better judgment, she feels a dangerous pull toward him. [I don't think mentor is the right word. He sounds like her babysitter/chaperon, sent to make sure she doesn't betray them. Why didn't they just send Tristan to steal the artifact, and kill Dex, who now knows too much about them?]

Trying to complete the task, Dex learns that if she’s successful, she risks unleashing a power that could enslave the kingdoms. If she refuses, the assassins will make her sister pay the price. Caught between betrayal and deceit, Dex must decide whether to trust Tristan and finish the job, or risk everything to defy the assassins and save the only family she has left.

Mix Assassin’s Creed with Pride and Prejudice to get BROKEN VOWS AND STOLEN HEARTS (92,000) a YA romance fantasy. [Are we supposed to believe the ruthless Tristan, who she doesn't trust, is her romantic interest?] This standalone novel has series potential [as it will be followed by a mix of Emma with World of Warcraft, and Sense and Sensibility with Grand Theft Auto,] and will appeal to readers who like Heartless Hunters by Kristen Ciccarelli and One Dark Window by Rachel Gillig.

I write from my lair in Utah, am an active member of League of Writers, and have professionally edited and written for many years. In my spare time, I either travel or bookbind. 

Thank you for your time and consideration

Notes

You say Dex's choice is between finishing the job or saving her sister. But it sounds to me like finishing the job is the way to save her sister (from the bad guys who otherwise will make her sister pay, not from the god of shadows). If she doesn't steal the artifact, won't they just find another thief to do it? Are Dex and her sister residents of the kingdoms that will be enslaved once the bad guys get the artifact? The only solution seems to be to steal the artifact and destroy it while her ruthless lover Tristan rescues her sister.