Face-Lift 1484

Guess the Plot

Obsidian

1. That's right, volcanic glass: the darkest natural substance known to man. This is your guide to collecting, polishing, and selling obsidian art. With a large appendix on volcanoes.

2. Jule is supposed to follow a prophesy to a mysterious black city in order to stave off a plague. The prophet is killed and the prophesy is nearly destroyed, but, fortunately, the court assassin heard the whole thing--he says, to keep from being executed. Two weeks from nowhere Jule is starting to have doubts.

3. The volcanic community of Obsidian has made sacrifices to the volcano god Boshalak for generations. Yet when the sacred flowers did not grow this year, Mala must find a new source before they start using human blood.

4. The only one who can prevent an invasion of Ferrol's homeland is its king, but he's under a curse and the only one who can end the curse is the sorceress who just freed Ferrol from his curse. Also, an obsidian dagger that can curse people.

5. Annie's horse, Obsidian, was entered in the big race by her father, who plans to bet the farm on him to win. But Obsidian has never raced before, and is just an old plow horse. Still, anything's possible in the wonderful world known as fiction. 

Original Version

Dear [Agent],

[Why this agent.]

OBSIDIAN is a dual-POV 98,000-word Adult Romantic Fantasy novel with the potential for a duology. The Bright Sword by Lev Grossman, with its Arthurian tragedy, meets the slow-burn romance and humor of The Undertaking of Hart and Mercy by Megan Bannen. The setting is inspired by the Hispano-American world. As per your guidelines, I’ve included [x] below. [This paragraph works better if you place it after the summary of your compelling plot. Especially as the agent may not have read those other titles.]

Hidden within a mesa, ensnared by cacti, sleeps an enchanted knight. [I don't see how cacti can grow inside a mesa. They need sunlight. Does the knight have air within the mesa? It must be a hollow mesa. Here's a picture of a mesa:

It doesn't have a door or windows, but maybe those are on the back.] Twenty-five years pass before Ferrol wakes. The world he fought for is in ruins, subjugated by a former ally and his magic army. [While I accept that in a world where there exists a magic army, anything is possible, it still seems a bit odd (though admittedly original) to choose encasement within a mesa as the curse you inflict upon someone. I guess if there are no nearby mountains or oceans or abandoned mines, and there's a handy mesa, it makes sense.]

They will invade Ferrol’s homeland next. The only person capable of leading a resistance is Ferrol’s king, whom he loves like a brother. But the king is now bedridden with a curse. [I'd much rather be cursed to lie in my bed all day, which I sometimes do even without a curse, than to be ensnared in cacti within a mesa for 25 years.] [I guess I'm just quibbling when I say that when I hear that a knight is enchanted, I'm more likely to think he's enchanted by a lovely damsel than by a witch or wizard, even though I know that "enchanted" and "cursed" both mean "under a spell." Also, ensnaring the knight in cacti would have been a good idea if you wanted him to be in constant pain, but if you're putting him to sleep for 25 years, the cacti were a waste. So was putting him within a mesa, except it prevents someone stumbling upon him and reviving him with a counter-enchantment.]

Only a sorcerer could lift the curse, and most are enslaved by the magic army. All except the fugitive sorceress who woke Ferrol. [Ah, so he was cursed to sleep forever, but after 25 years this fugitive sorceress stumbled upon him within the mesa.] Lea lives in exile with only her spite and bad puns for company. Ferrol convinces her that healing the king will grant her vengeance against her former captors, and true freedom. Although afraid, she comes out of hiding to travel through enemy territory. But even if Ferrol can deliver her to the castle, he will return to a sentence of execution everyone believes he ran from twenty-five years ago. [Or maybe they'll benevolently reduce his sentence to time served, on the grounds that he served it encased within a mesa.]

After grappling with his [Ferrol's] mortality, and accepting it, [Not clear why she's grappling or what that even means. Did she think he was immortal? Does she want to make him immortal? Or was it him doing the grappling, in which case we need to rework the sentence? Do we need this in the query?] Lea gives him a reason to live again. [Okay, now it sounds like he was grappling, so: As Ferrol grapples with his mortality, Lea gives him a reason to live again. Except, I was under the impression he already had an excellent reason to live, so maybe we should ditch this and start the paragraph here:] As they cross deserts and bayous, overcome soldiers and monsters, they find humor in their shared misfortunes. [Ferrol: I'm really hungry after crossing all these deserts. Lea: There's a bakery up ahead. It's called Just Desserts. Ferrol: <moan.>] Ferrol sees that Lea is braver than she realizes, more cunning. But her jokes are far worse than she gives herself credit for. [Ferrol: Will you be able to remove the king's curse? Lea: I think I may, suh. Get it? May suh--mesa! It's a call-back. Ferrol: <Groan.>] Love presents a choice Ferrol never considered: there’s his honor, his king, and death--or joy. Yet the magic army is surging behind them, washing over the earth. Soon it will drown everything. There’s no option for life, unless he and Lea destroy the army themselves. [What about the resistance that the king (and only the king) was supposed to lead? Now one knight and one sorceress are going to defeat a magic army by themselves? If they do, it'll be because Lea's magic is far more powerful than the magic army's, and she doesn't even need Ferrol. It's like when Superman and Batman team up against some villain, and the comic book writer tries to convince us that Batman's role is vital to the operation, when in fact Superman could have done it all more efficiently by himself.]

OBSIDIAN is my first novel. I’m a Mexican immigrant, and lived undocumented for twenty years. [I hesitate to print this, as Trump is an avid reader of this blog, but I'll assume you are now documented, and that he has no interest whatsoever in deporting documented immigrants.] I learned English by reading and writing. I wrote this manuscript and others during three consecutive pregnancies, finding time between wrestling pipsqueaks and being used as a human napkin. They usually won the wrestling matches. [I assume we're talking about the kids, and not their fathers.]

Thank you for your time and consideration.

[The title, Obsidian, comes from an obsidian dagger that places a curse on one of the characters.]

Notes

Is the magic army magic because all the other sorcerers, who they've enslaved, are forced to work with them? Seems like if Lea is powerful enough to take down this army, these other sorcerers would already have done so. Apparently the army has magic more powerful than the sorcerers.

It seems unlikely that Lea, living in exile and afraid to come out of hiding, would happen upon a knight encased within a mesa. Unless he has one of those Apple AirTags on his armor.

You say Lea came out of hiding to travel through enemy territory, but she and Ferrol are heading toward the king, and the magic army is surging behind them. So it seems enemy territory is behind them. Was her hiding place in enemy territory?

I'm not sure Lea's puns and jokes are important enough to be mentioned here.

The writing and organizing of the summary is well done. Most of my issues are with the plot, and are probably dealt with in the book. Possibly you can arrange for some of them to be clarified in the query, or just left out.