Face-Lift 1483

Guess the Plot

The Violet Raven

1. Ginnie's vision has expanded beyond the human norm into colors that only animals can see. But after she uses her ability to cheat on a standard exam, she's captured by a shadow organization run by bio-engineered animals who want her help to take over the zoo.

2. Painter Nigel Phipps leaves his calling card with a duke right before said duke is assassinated. Now he's on the run from the law for committing the crime, the assassin for taking credit, and the mob who want a few more jobs done. Unfortunately, not painting.

3. Evil mythological beings have risen, and according to prophecy they will achieve dominance over the land unless they are stopped by one girl who has suddenly developed unimaginable powers.

4. Ravens are generally black. Sometimes you can find albino ones, even a mix. However, Josie does not know what to do when a violet one starts following her and speaking in tongues.

5. In this sequel to the famous poem, the raven, having driven the poet to utter despair and madness, flies off. But will it find other victims to torment? Evermore!

Original Version

I’m seeking representation for my 130,000-word historical fantasy romance novel, THE VIOLET RAVEN: a story of forbidden love, reincarnation, and Irish mythology set against the backdrop of 19th-century Celtic Nations in 1823. [In one sentence you've managed to tell me why you're writing to me, your word count, three genres you've blended, your book's title, three main themes of the book, where it takes place, and when it takes place, and you did all that in far fewer words than I used in this sentence. Yet somehow, my sentence is riveting, while yours made my eyes roll up inside my head. Can we reduce the word count of your sentence (and your book, but we'll get to that later)? I guess we don't need the word "novel," since you call it a story and it's 130,000 words. And we don't need "historical," because it's set in 1823. We don't need "19th century" because we know what century 1823 happened in. We could change "against the backdrop of" to "in" which saves three words and sounds less like something AI came up with. Let's move the paragraph to the end of the the query and drop "I'm seeking representation for my." So, we summarize the plot and then say: The Violet Raven, a 130,000-word romantasy set in 1823, is a standalone novel and the first book in my planned Warriors of the Raven Queen series. Note that I left out the three themes, because they are all mentioned in your plot summary, which the agent will have just read. I also left out the Celtic Nations, which are also in the summary, and besides, at least half of the query is set in Portugal.] The first in my Warriors of the Raven Queen series, it blends lush atmosphere with richly detailed history. [This sentence can go, as the series is now mentioned in the previous sentence, and your detailed history is mentioned in your final paragraph.]

 

When mysterious attackers descend on her family’s estate, Triona Sinclair’s life is torn apart. Her parents sacrifice themselves to prevent her capture, knowing she is crucial to a prophecy that could grant unimaginable power to the Fomorians—a long-banished race of destructive beings from Irish mythology. Fleeing for her life, Triona embarks on a dangerous quest to Portugal alongside her brothers, Callan and Casey, her childhood friend Finn, and the enigmatic Bran. Before their deaths, her parents revealed the existence of allies in Portugal who could provide vital answers about the prophecy and her role in stopping the Fomorians' rise. As she bonds with this unlikely found family, Triona uncovers the truth about her lineage and the prophecy: the Fomorians, awakened by centuries of conflict across the Celtic Nations, need her powers to return to dominance. As the Fomorians’ power grows, Triona’s own abilities—rooted in her past lives and deeply tied to the natural world—begin to awaken, forcing her to confront her destiny and the sacrifices it demands. Torn between the trauma of her loss, the growing connections with her companions, and the weight of her powers, Triona must decide how far she’s willing to go [find a way] to stop the Fomorians and protect the world from their destructive return. 

 

Finn MacGregor has always kept his feelings for Triona hidden, relying on the Sinclairs for more than just a place in their community—they are the family he never had after escaping an abusive household at fifteen. But when Triona’s life is upended by tragedy and her powers begin to emerge, Finn finds himself drawn into her fight. [Apparently they are back from Portugal.] Determined to protect her from those who would exploit her gifts—and from the Fomorians themselves—Finn must choose whether to risk his heart for the woman he loves or remain in the shadows [even] as the world around them [threatens to] collapses. [This paragraph feels out of place. Once you've built up to possible world destruction, I no longer care about Finn's secret feelings of love for his childhood friend. Maybe after the first two sentences of the previous paragraph, insert this paragraph (abridged to omit Triona's powers/gifts).]

 

 

Early readers have compared THE VIOLET RAVEN [will appeal] to [readers who enjoyed] A Court of Silver Flames by Sarah J. Maas and The Priory of the Orange Tree by Samantha Shannon, praising its emotionally charged romance, richly developed world-building, and evocative storytelling. I have spent considerable time researching 19th-century Celtic Nations and Gaelic folklore to ensure the narrative’s historical  rigor and immersive world-building [accuracy]. [Sorry, it was sounding like AI again.]

 

Thank you very much for your consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

 

Notes

You hint that there are those besides the Fomorians who would exploit Triona's gifts. What are these gifts? They're apparently capable of making the Fomorians powerful enough to take over the world, but you are keeping them secret from us?

Her parents sacrificed themselves, not to save their three children, but because one of their children, according to some (ancient?) prophecy, would have unimaginable power that could be used by some mythical characters. Was this prophecy uttered by a reliable prophet who specifically mentioned the Sinclair family's first-born child, or was it one of those vague prophecies spoken by a violet raven that said: Centuries from now a child shall be born in Ireland or Wales or Scotland, who might one day thwart the rise of the evil ones. Or not. Either way, as mom and dad died only to save Triona, we can leave Callan and Casey out of the query. Also the enigmatic Bran. None of them does anything. 

Start a new paragraph after "the Fomorians' rise."

I don't find Triona's decision or Finn's choice to be compelling. It's obvious what each should do, which is why I suggested the minor changes at the end of each plot paragraph.

Face-Lift 1482

Guess the Plot

Smoke Dancing

1. Vegas. 1976. Casinos, hustlers, cry babies, the mob. Yeah, that.

2. Alistair Ridley is a "smoke jumper": he parachutes into wildfires to rescue those trapped by the flames. But his real passion is ballet. Faced with a blaze whose path shifts and twirls with the wind, can he teach ten survivors the choreography that will lead them to safety?

3. Smoke. Dancing. What more do I need to say to get you to read my book?

4. As usual, it's up to one young girl to save the world, this time from the vile men who've imprisoned all the women in the world and slaughtered all the men who stood against them. Should take her a couple days.

5. Combine Smoke & Mirrors with Dirty Dancing and what do you get? My book, along with its sequel, Dirty Mirrors

Original Version

Dear [agent],

The last of the free girls has cherished a life outside of Tlaloc’s mud walls for as long as she can remember. So far, the Kinsmen have been easy to fool, dressed as she is in boy’s clothing.

But when her first blood day betrays her disguise, she becomes easy prey for the Kinsmen stalking her. [This makes it sound like they were already stalking her, but couldn't find her until her body gave her away. Hard to believe they were devoting any manpower to finding one girl who doesn't even live inside their city.]

Luckily for the girl and her boy companion, some gods still take pity on wretchlings. After a mysterious entity they call the pale one rescues them from the Kinsmen’s vile clutches, the girl seeks a vengeance commensurate with his godlike powers.

Even so, the pale one’s strange magic won’t be enough to survive a fight with the Kinsmen head-on. Instead, they’ll have to be clever: infiltrate the city, free the women and the mutilated boy slaves, kill as many Kinsmen as possible. Escape.

But the Kinsmen have not successfully rounded up the world’s remaining women and girls and slaughtered all who once stood against them by sheer luck alone. [Is this a subtle allegory describing what's gonna happen to America the next four years?] And they certainly won’t roll over for one determined girl and her pitiful boy companion, even with some outlandish godling at their side.

Now, trapped within the city’s walls, the boy lost, the pale one no longer what he seems, the girl must think fast to stay alive. Even faster if she wishes to fulfill her reckless undertaking and liberate all those the Kinsmen hold captive.  [So they succeeded in part one of their clever plan, infiltrate the city, but failed to liberate anyone, kill anyone, or escape. And now, with the boy  captured, mutilated, and enslaved, and the godling having turned out to be an illusionist, the girl, who's probably about fourteen, and has no special powers we know about, is on her own. It seems hopeless, but . . . ]  [I wouldn't mind a bit more about how she's planning to get out of this than just by thinking fast. And even faster.]

Then again, she wasn’t the last of the free girls for nothing. 

She knows sometimes a single cut is all it takes—if one only knows where to slip the blade.

SMOKE DANCING is a novel of literary fiction that mixes elements of Southern Gothic, Magic Realism, and soft sci-fi. The novel runs 86,000 words. I envision it on the shelf alongside Tender is the Flesh by Augustina Bazterrica and Black Sun by Rebecca Roanhorse. 

I currently live in [City], California with my wife and seven-month-old son. I received an MFA in Creative Writing from [University] in 2013.

Thank you for your time and consideration,

Notes

Agent: Who are your main characters?

You: The last of the free girls (a wretchling), her pitiful boy companion (another wretchling), the pale one (a godling), and some Kinsmen.

Agent: I meant, what are their names?

You: Those are their names.

Reasons not to mention anyone's name in your query:

1. No one has a name in the book. (It's the cool thing you do that makes this literary fiction.)

2. After seeing you named your city "Tlaloc," your auto-correct refused, for your own good, to let you further embarrass yourself with the unpronounceable character names you'd chosen. For instance, every time you typed V'lechh-Quph'ht, it changed it to Emily.

Are the Kinsmen all kin of each other, or can any male earn his way into Kinsmanship? The girl apparently had friends who were boys when she was younger, so at what point and how is it decided which boys will become mutilated slaves, and which will become . . . Kinsmen? 

Just so I have it clear, all the women and girls in the world (save one) have been rounded up and are being held in one city that's surrounded by a mud wall? Either the city is the size of China and the wall is the size of the Great Wall, or the population of this world is minuscule.

This is too long, but maybe not by much; it would seem shorter if there weren't so many paragraphs. Like if you tacked P2 onto P1, and P4 onto P3 and P8 onto P7. 

If I'm a Kinsman, and I know we've already rounded up the world's remaining women and girls, and already slaughtered all who once stood against us, I'm exhausted, and ready to sit back and relax for a few decades, and when some wannabe leader tells me he thinks there's one more girl we missed, and orders me to track her down, I'm cracking open a cold beer and saying, Track him down yourself, asshole.

Feedback Request

The author of the book featured in Face-Lift 1468 would like feedback on the following version of the query.

Dear Agent,

Seventeen-year-old thief Dex would steal from a blind beggar if it meant securing her sister’s freedom from the brothel. But when her latest steal is a letter, it promises gold for completing a delivery from a mysterious benefactor. Hoping for a fresh start, Dex completes the task, only to learn the benefactors are cold-blooded assassins. [That sounds okay, but it raises some questions, the answers to which are probably in the book, but I'll ask them anyway. When Dex reads the letter she stole, how does she know the person she stole it from wasn't in the process of making the delivery, wasn't carrying the item to be delivered? How does she know he didn't deliver the item two days ago, and still has the letter? Does the letter specify what the item is, where to pick it up and where to take it? If so, is her plan to just walk into some den of thieves waving the letter and say, "I'm here to pick up the item," not knowing whether the item was already picked up? When you send a letter to Bob, saying pick up X from Y and bring it to Z, either Y or Z or both will expect Bob to show up, and when Dex shows up instead, it's not going to go well for her. Surely she should realize this. And Bob, having "lost" the letter, will contact Y or Z to get the info in the letter, assuming he didn't memorize it. Also, if I were a thief I'd be stealing money, not letters, and if I accidentally stole a letter, thinking in was cash, I' probably toss the letter in the trash without reading it. All of which is to say, maybe it's better (in the query, if not the book) to just say that a stranger approaches Dex and offers her some gold coins to make a delivery.]

She’s then forced to do another job–steal a powerful artifact, one that will awaken the god of shadows. Tristan is her ruthless mentor, and Dex doesn’t trust him. He’s too secretive, enough to question his loyalties—yet despite her better judgment, she feels a dangerous pull toward him. [I don't think mentor is the right word. He sounds like her babysitter/chaperon, sent to make sure she doesn't betray them. Why didn't they just send Tristan to steal the artifact, and kill Dex, who now knows too much about them?]

Trying to complete the task, Dex learns that if she’s successful, she risks unleashing a power that could enslave the kingdoms. If she refuses, the assassins will make her sister pay the price. Caught between betrayal and deceit, Dex must decide whether to trust Tristan and finish the job, or risk everything to defy the assassins and save the only family she has left.

Mix Assassin’s Creed with Pride and Prejudice to get BROKEN VOWS AND STOLEN HEARTS (92,000) a YA romance fantasy. [Are we supposed to believe the ruthless Tristan, who she doesn't trust, is her romantic interest?] This standalone novel has series potential [as it will be followed by a mix of Emma with World of Warcraft, and Sense and Sensibility with Grand Theft Auto,] and will appeal to readers who like Heartless Hunters by Kristen Ciccarelli and One Dark Window by Rachel Gillig.

I write from my lair in Utah, am an active member of League of Writers, and have professionally edited and written for many years. In my spare time, I either travel or bookbind. 

Thank you for your time and consideration

Notes

You say Dex's choice is between finishing the job or saving her sister. But it sounds to me like finishing the job is the way to save her sister (from the bad guys who otherwise will make her sister pay, not from the god of shadows). If she doesn't steal the artifact, won't they just find another thief to do it? Are Dex and her sister residents of the kingdoms that will be enslaved once the bad guys get the artifact? The only solution seems to be to steal the artifact and destroy it while her ruthless lover Tristan rescues her sister.

Face-Lift 1481

Guess the Plot

The Book of Stolen Ideas

1. Mason Thomas has written a book in which he plagiarizes the ideas of hundreds of philosophers. He titles it My Thoughts on Humankind, but his editor, in a rejection letter, suggests a better title.

2. Angel hair pasta. Air fryers. Cell phones. Caramel popcorn. These are just a few of the great ideas Norm Fleeg came up with only to discover someone else beat him to it. Nobody better steal his latest idea, a sundial you wear on top of your head.

3.Time travelers are using their power for nefarious reasons, like maybe going to the future and stealing ideas, and Perry Van Winkle doesn't like it. So he starts an agency to police these criminals, but it's really hard to jail someone who can disappear into the future and return with a lethal ray gun.

4. When archaeologist Richard Fox discovers an ancient tome in a Roman crypt, he realizes that the veracity of the New Testament is about to be thrown into question. Unless he destroys the book. Is revealing the truth worth it if it destroys an entire religion? Rhetorical question, of course it is.

5. Erwin Ivy works in the patent office, on the side copying down every money making invention ever into a little booklet that's going to make him a zillionaire in the parallel dimension he found. 

Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Having traveled time [time-traveled] the majority of his life, Perry Van Winkle can be [is] sure of one thing: man is made for the present. 

Not the past. And most definitely not the future.
 
It’s the reason he’s founded the Berlin Corner Espionage: a network of people with like-abilities to police the illegitimate practices of time travel. ["The Berlin Corner Espionage" doesn't sound right. I can't tell if "Corner" goes with Berlin or with Espionage. And "The" doesn't go with espionage. "Time Enforcement Commission" (TEC) was already used in the movie Timecop.

How about: It's the reason he’s founded TIME (Time-travel Interception, Management, & Enforcement). You can have that free of charge.] [When you say "people with like-abilities," do you mean the ability to time-travel? In other words, time traveling is a super power only a few people have, rather than something someone invented?] But just as time cannot be controlled, neither can those who play with it. [If the agents of TIME can't control those who abuse time travel what can they do?] A long-lost object that has the potential to control the future [You just said time cannot be controlled. Now you say there's an object that can control the future.] has resurfaced into the hands of Perry Van Winkle’s nemeses, Lionel and Estella Clyborne, and they’re willing to do whatever it takes to break the barrier between ‘now’ and ‘then’: killing their rebellious and estranged son, Dristle; holding captive their prized daughter, Nadya, whose dreams can predict the future; and most importantly, forcing Perry Van Winkle to plunge into the gnarled rabbit hole that is his past. [I don't see how the first two items on that list break the barrier between now and then.]

The Book of Stolen Ideas (78,000 words) is a speculative fiction novel intended for adults. Similar to novels, such as Paradox Bound by Peter Clines, this book has gothic twists and multiple perspectives.

This would be my debut novel. I am native to XXX and currently work in webinar and video production. In my spare time, I enjoy running, cooking, and, much like the characters in my book, playing musical instruments, including piano, flute, and clarinet. [The clarinet inevitably gets drowned out by the brass section. Sell yours on eBay and get a drum set.]

Thank you for your consideration.

Notes

Say you're interested in which stocks are going to go up, or who's gonna win the Super Bowl in 2050. Holding Nadya captive, waiting for her to have a dream about the stock market or the 2050 Super Bowl, and forcing her to tell you what happens, seems less efficient than just sending a time traveler to the future to see what happens and report back. 

The Clybornes have an object that can control the future, but that doesn't seem relevant to their goal of breaking the barrier between now and then. What future event do they want to control with this object? You did start by saying man is most definitely not made for the future. What's the worst-case scenario if the Clybornes use their object to control the future?

Rip Van Winkle was confused and out-of-place when he woke after 20 years. Possibly he felt man was not made for the future. Does Perry go into the future and feel this way? I don't see another reason to use the name Van Winkle, other than to highlight this theme, but it seems heavy-handed to use that name for that reason. We should get the theme without your help. What you've told us about the plot doesn't suggest this is a modern retelling of Rip Van Winkle.

Once you've introduced Perry Van Winkle, you may henceforth refer to him as Perry (or Van Winkle), rather than use his full name. Presumably, in your book, you don't always say Perry Van Winkle.

Did you steal the idea for this book, or is there a book of stolen ideas in this book?

Were the Clybornes Perry's nemeses before he became a timecop? It seems like Perry acquires these nemeses awfully fast after opening his business. Someone find out if Lex Luthor was referred to as Superman's nemesis the first time he appeared in a Superman comic. My sense is that you have to be a recurring character to be a nemesis. Otherwise you're an adversary.

Face-Lift 1480

Guess the Plot

How to Make a Butterfly Fly

1. Fly fishermen have long sworn by the Tungsten Frenchie Jig, the Hare's Ear Nymph, and the Red Zebra Midge. But when Bob "the Carp King" Pappas comes to town with his patented Butterfly fly, everyone wants one. But only one of them is willing to kill for it.

2. In this updated guide to all things fishing, you will learn about rods, poles, reels, lines, hooks, bobs, etc., licensing, sustainable fishing, and baits and target fish for all skill levels. Also, how to tie lures from the most simple to the most intricate.

3. When Miss Monarch Butterfly's wing is broken in a storm, the gardener hears her cries and through compassion and friendship, helps her to once again soar with the wind. An allegory.

4. When Barbara finds a book called The Magic of Origami, she doesn't expect the first thing she makes, a butterfly, to actually fly. But it does! There's an origami puppy in the book, but if she makes it, will her mom let her keep it??

5. Step 1: catch a butterfly. Step 2: Acquire access to a wind tunnel. Jeraldo Valquez is starting to think he's the target of a prank. But he's rich, bored, and borderline illegal is a plus.

Original Version

HOW TO MAKE A BUTTERFLY FLY is a picture book about love, redemption, and second chances told through a wholesome twist on the monarch butterfly cycle aimed at ages 4 – 8 with a word count of 984 words. HOW TO MAKE A BUTTERFLY FLY is THE BOY, THE FOX, THE MOLE, AND THE HORSE meets science class. [These capitalized words are annoying. Titles should be italicized. Or underlined. Also, the book you're comparing yours to is The Boy, the Mole, the Fox and the Horse. You reversed the mole and the fox. Round off your word count to 1000. A "wholesome twist" sounds like a pretzel made with whole wheat.]

Like any monarch butterfly, Miss Monarch Butterfly starts as an egg, then a larva, which becomes a caterpillar, eats a lot of leaves, enters a chrysalis, and emerges as a monarch butterfly. Yet, after coming out of her chrysalis, a storm erupts as she takes off from her garden home, leaving her with a broken wing and on the hard, damp garden floor. However, all is not lost because The Gardener [no need to capitalize his occupation.] hears her cries as she is falling and helps turn her situation around. 

 

The story comes with educational questions and material to guide an in-class discussion. HOW TO MAKE A BUTTERFLY FLY is an allegory of someone taking off in life, symbolized by the butterfly. [Hmm. Are you the butterfly?] Due to circumstances out of their control - the storm - the butterfly finds herself broken, out of her path, and unable to fly off the garden floor. However, through the compassion and friendship of the gardener, she can fly and soar with the wind! 

My name is _________________, and I come from the unrepresented [under-represented] community of Cuban Americans.  I am a published author and poet through the program “Canon Future Authors of America,” in which I was a participant in 2014, 2015, and 2016. I won silver key awards in middle school through the Scholastic Art and Writing awards for my short stories OFF TO MAKRS, [Mars?] THE PINK HAT, and DESIRE TO DIE, and I am also the recipient of two full academic scholarships for both high school and college, where I am studying communications.  

Notes

If you're writing to an agent who says she is looking for authors from under-represented communities, I think its sufficient to say you're Cuban-American, without pointing out that this is an under-represented community.

Awards you won in middle school are not going to sway the reader in a positive direction. That you mention them may do the opposite. That space would be better utilized telling us what happens in the book. Perhaps that would include how the farmer helps Miss Butterfly become Madame Butterfly. Does he repair her wing? Compassion and friendship are great, but they don't fix butterfly wings. Do they speak to each other? Does he give her pep talks? 

Is there a reason the hero is a gardener rather than an eight-year-old kid or a dog? Little kids might identify with other kids more than with gardeners. 

This being a picture book, you might want to mention whether you have created the art and whether you're providing samples. Your best chance of interesting someone in this is to have fabulous art to accompany it.

Since all female monarch butterflies could be called Miss Monarch Butterfly, maybe you should give yours a name. Cuban "B" names like Benita, Bertalini, or Beatriz would provide alliteration, or how about "Mariposa," Spanish for "butterfly."

I'm not sure how much of your 1000 words are devoted to the life cycle of monarch butterflies, but too much of that is not advancing the story. Likewise, are the educational questions and materials included in the word count? When I was a little kid, I don't think I'd have sat still for educational questions at the end of The Cat in the Hat. 

Feedback Request

The author of the book featured in Face-Lift 1477 would like feedback on the following version of the query:

I seek representation for Songs of the Empaths, a 75,000-word science fiction/fantasy novel blending historical intrigue, futuristic adventure, and rich ensemble storytelling.

It is the 23rd century in the authoritarian League. Sixteen-year-old Kati lives a miserable life, bullied at school and friendless. After Kati has a grand mal seizure in the lunchroom, her mother reveals that it wasn’t a true seizure: Kati is an empath with dormant but powerful time-splitting abilities that threaten the League's already tenuous grasp on its citizens. Her mother urges Kati to escape to the Western Territories, where empaths can train freely and use their supernatural abilities.  [I don't like the first sentence of this paragraph. If I said it's the 23rd century in the National Football League, you'd wonder what century it is in the NBA. More specific to your book, I'm wondering what century it is in the Western Territories. Maybe it would help if I knew what the League is. Country? Empire? State? Union of the Eastern Territories? Is it on planet Earth? Does it have a name, like we call France "France" instead of "the Country"? If you start: It is the 23rd century. Sixteen-year-old Kati lives a miserable life in the authoritarian League, bullied etc., I'll no longer wonder if the League is the only place where it's the 23rd century. I still don't know exactly what the League is, but you can sneak that in somewhere if you want to.]

Once in the Western Territories, Kati forms telepathic connections with a group of empaths from different historical eras. Together, they create a "coterie," a mental network that enables them to share thoughts, emotions, and supernatural empathic abilities across time and space. Kati's powerful coterie includes a 14th-century Franciscan monk with the power of persuasion, a brilliant polyglot with the near sight, a boy-wonder physicist, and an epilepsy and empath researcher. [I Googled "the near sight." Google thinks I mean nearsightedness. Maybe I should have tried Bing. You could say with the ability to . . . whatever]

The timeline faces an existential threat: rogue 21st-century time splitter Jaya teleports [in]to the League, inadvertently causing dangerous "time quakes." Only another time splitter backed by a powerful coterie can return Jaya. Kati—her coterie telepathically in tow[, and her time-splitting power now awakened,]--and a small band of Western Clansmen embark[s] on a dangerous journey to the League. Their mission: is clear: they must rescue Jaya from League territory,[and] return her to her rightful era, and prevent [before] the timeline from unraveling[s]. 

Even as the team assembles for their mission, Kati is insecure and deeply conflicted. She longs to prove herself to her coterie, [and] the [Western] Clanspeople, and the bullies from school, but she worries that the Western Clans have overestimated her powers and the mission will fail. When the time quakes intensify, Kati must decide whether to cast her doubts aside, trust her abilities, and lead her team—or risk losing everything. [Or? She risks everything either way. It seems to me the choice is between letting the timeline unravel or trying to prevent it. Assuming the unraveling is a bad thing, the choice is obvious. Of course, if the unraveling could lead to a new timeline in which empaths aren't treated like dirt, maybe she does have a dilemma.]

The narrative unfolds from the perspectives of five main characters, including the coterie members and Jaya. [The coterie plus Jaya = 6. Which one doesn't get to be the POV character?] Immersive backstory chapters illuminate each character's journey and desires. Songs of the Empaths will appeal to those interested in Jimenez's The Vanished Birds ensemble storytelling and the hero's journey found in Kingfisher's A Wizard's Guide to Defensive Baking. 

I am a retired XXX professor who lives in XXX, near XXX, with my husband and our toy poodle. I am currently enrolled in Stanford's Memoir Certificate program. Thank you for considering my work; I look forward to hearing from you.

 

It's an improvement, though a bit long. You could drop the last paragraph. 

I made a lot of suggestions, but they're mostly minor things. 

Are the coterie members (besides the monk) 23rd-century people? If so, are they going on the mission? If not, what do they do? Give Kati advice? Are they all in Kati's head, arguing with each other about what she should do next, until the monk finally persuades her to go with his ideas?

Face-Lift 1479

Guess the Plot

The White Rabbit

1. I'm late! I'm late! I'm late! But why was the rabbit so late? Find out in this gripping tale of foxes, turtles, and doves.

2. The notorious terrorist known only as the White Rabbit is killing top executives at major corporations. It's up to one disillusioned ad agency employee to stop the killer . . . but should he wait till after the Rabbit takes out Elon Musk? 

3. Having accidentally lured one unsuspecting girl down into Wonderland, the white rabbit now seeks to do so on purpose, not for human trafficking, but because.... Ok, technically it is human trafficking, but not in a bad way. 

4. It was just a sweet white rabbit, couldn't hurt a fly, but Carrie's dad said she couldn't keep it. Of course Carrie keeps the rabbit anyway, hiding it in her closet when her dad's at home. When a fire breaks out, the rabbit makes scratching noises to alert the family. Will dad admit to being a jerk and let Carrie have her bunny?

5. When a hookah-smoking caterpillar gives Bob and Bev the call, they drop their rabbit-chasing quest just in time to avoid falling off a cliff. Also, a talking dormouse.

Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Former adjunct professor turned copywriter Ennio Mastroianni has been sentenced to advertising. Trapped in the office of a cult-like ad agency where employees resign by jumping out the window to their deaths, he spends his days contemplating a “no smoking and no suicides” sign in the bathroom, suffering through a Sisyphean revision process of the company blog, and clashing with coworkers in virtual meetings where the other party is [parties are?] only a few steps away. [You've described my day, except I don't have the bathroom sign or meetings with coworkers.] [I googled ad agency blog, and pretty much everything that came up was for "marketing" agencies. Apparently that's how they now prefer to market themselves. Also, I went to few random websites, and found Facebook, X, Instagram, and YouTube links, but nothing about blogs. By the time your book is published, company blogs may be extinct. Even if they aren't, the sign and virtual meetings are enough to get the point across, and we need to shorten a few sentences, so let's drop Sisyphus and his blog. (I got your second sentence down to a nice round fifty words.)]

When a client is exposed for waterboarding and illegally detaining US citizens, [In that order? If they're waterboarding people, it goes without saying that they're detaining them. Plus we just saved another three words.] the agency asks Ennio to clean up the client’s image while a mysterious anti-capitalist terrorist known as the White Rabbit wages war on business, gunning down corporate executives and causing stock prices to plummet. [Just because they're happening at the same time doesn't mean they belong in the same sentence. End the sentence after "image," and change "while" to "Meanwhile."] To calm the market, the agency insists that Ennio carpet bomb the airwaves with a militant ad campaign to counterattack the terrorist. 

[CEO 1: This ruthless terrorist is basically a savage serial killer. We need to stop him.

 CEO 2: I suggest an ad campaign designed to ruin his reputation.]

[For someone who was complaining about his boring job, Ennio seems to get a lot of big-time assignments.] ["Counterattack" seems like the wrong word to me, or maybe I just feel like the military comparisons are being overworked. How about "neutralize" or "retaliate against"? Actually, no word will convince the reader that an ad campaign is an effective response to a murder spree. Which may be the point in the book, but not be clear in the query.] Caught between his paycheck and his moral integrity, Ennio questions his role in rebranding war crimes, [Perhaps I was wrong to promote waterboarding as the most eco-friendly form of torture.] growing disillusioned and desperate for termination. 

However, after a jealous coworker’s sabotage backfires, Ennio is ironically promoted to the agency V-suite, sinking him deeper into a bizarre and corrupt company culture. Now in the White Rabbit’s crosshairs, he must escape before advertising takes his soul—and the White Rabbit takes his life.   

Complete at 72,000 words, The White Rabbit is a work of literary fiction that appropriates conventions of thrillers and action, satirizing the absurdities of modern jobs while exploring the moral compromises we make for our careers. The novel examines the power (and limitations) of language and storytelling. It would appeal to readers who appreciate Kafkaesque anti-work stories like Ling Ma’s Severance and Hilary Leichter’s Temporary. [I wonder what Kafka and Sisyphus would think about their names being turned into adjectives. Once your book becomes a classic, people who quit their jobs to take on terrorists will be described as Mastroiannical.]

I hold an MFA in creative writing from Wilkes University and teach American literature at Thomas Jefferson University. My short fiction has appeared in Pithead Chapel, The Big Click, and Mulberry Fork Review. 

Please find the first ten pages of the manuscript below.

Thank you for your time and consideration,

Notes

I suppose if you're trying to sell literary fiction it's not a bad idea to demonstrate that you can  coherently handle 45- and 60+-word sentences, but a few 10-worders thrown in for variety and to give the reader a break are also a good idea.

This seemed okay as it was, but you aren't paying Evil Editor for praise, you're paying him for nitpicking. Which leads me to wonder whether an adjunct professor-turned-copywriter isn't, by definition, a "former" adjunct professor. For purposes of the query you could just call him copywriter Ennio Mastroianni. Another 4 words saved.

Face-Lift 1478

Guess the Plot

Wild Lines

1. The election was Tuesday, but some voters are still waiting in lines that extend for miles, hoping to cast votes they think might change the outcome they heard about on their i-phones.

2. When fifteen-year-old Edigailia notices wrinkles by her eyes, she panics. Is it a curse? Too much partying? Only the commoner witch Ephenero holds the answer, but Edi can't directly contact her, because royals and commoners do not mix.

3. In the post-apocalyptic world, America has fractured into numerous countries separated from one another by "lines" of wilderness patrolled by brutal, depraved monsters who destroy anyone who enters their domain. Captured by these savages and taken to their capital, one man can save the continent from being destroyed by a powerful ancient weapon . . . if he can first escape from the clutches of . . . The Emperor!

4. One year after graduating law school, Jason is overworked and under-appreciated at a top law firm. His housemate convinces him that cocaine will help him get through the rough times. One

month later Jason is unemployed and miserable, and wondering if heroin will help him get through the rough times.

5. When Earth's lines of latitude and longitude mysteriously vanish, it's up to one teenaged cartographer to prevent chaos in the shipping and travel industries.

Original Version

Dear [AGENT],

First Lieutenant Bear Blakely crosses the Lines for a living. Lawless post-apocalyptic borders surrounding the former states of the now defunct USA, these thin strings of wilderness are home to the Liners; [:] savages who rule from their captured capital of Cincinnati and devote their lives to destroying those who intrude upon their domain.

Motivated in unequal parts by patriotism and the promise of extreme hazard pay, Bear volunteers to transport technology with the potential to reunite the fractured continent. He must lead a group [squad? team?] of soldiers from Roanoke, Virginia across the verdant ruinous landscape to The Republic of Chicago, crossing through and into countries that push both his ability to survive and to lead to the limits. [I wouldn't describe a landscape as "verdant ruinous." One of those words suggests grassy meadows, and the other has me thinking war zone rubble.] 

Far from both the beginning and the end of their journey, Bear and his soldiers are waylaid by Liners armed with technology beyond anything they’ve ever seen. [When you're transporting crates of slingshots to your allies, only to find your enemies have bazookas and machine guns, it's time to abandon the mission.] Captured and brought to the Liner stronghold in Cincinnati, Bear confronts the man responsible for the brutality and depravity of the monsters haunting the dark spaces between the countries: The Emperor of the Lines. [I guess that's a better title for him than Head Linesman. Actually, it sounds like a good name for that machine that calls the lines in a tennis match.] [He confronts him? That's like Batman confronting Thanos with a batarang.]

Held captive in the rich and deadly metropolis of Cincinnati, Bear learns of unexpected forces wielding an ancient biological weapon potent enough to threaten the entire continent. All he has to do is escape the city nobody ever leaves. [I don't see why that's all he has to do. Shouldn't he also have to destroy the weapon, or steal the advanced technology? Save the continent?]

Complete at 130,000 words, WILD LINES is a science-fiction thriller and is the first book in a trilogy. It combines the vehicular insanity in Mad Max, the darkly relatable protagonist's humor from The Murderbot Diaries, and the surreal horror in The Dark Tower series.

Notes

Most of what I've said is nitpicking. Possibly what I've written below is too, but here goes:

Bear has two goals. First, make it to Chicago with some sort of technology. He fails; he may get there eventually, but not with his technology. Second, escape from Cincinnati, a place no one ever leaves. Now that he's been captured, and the Liners are laughing at his obsolete technology, we don't much care if he escapes. He needs a third goal we can root for him to accomplish.

How can no one ever leave Cincinnati? What about truck drivers who deliver food and fuel? What about Liners who bring their captives to the Emperor? What about the Bengals and Reds when they have road games?

I'm thinking you can have Bear imprisoned in Cincinnati within 25,000 words. Some hints about what goes on the the next 1o5,000 might be helpful. Maybe he has a decision to make after he escapes: on to Chicago empty-handed, or back to Roanoke for more slingshots. Also 130,000 is a lot of words. Maybe you could cut out 40,000 words worth of vehicular insanity.

In post apocalyptic America, soldiers trying to get from Virginia to Chicago are captured by savages and imprisoned in Cincinnati, never to be heard from again. That's everything I know about the plot, though I may have left out something important. Oh yeah, both sides have some "technology."

The most dangerous part of any trip in your world is crossing Lines. You seem to have them crossing lines into West Virginia, Ohio, Indiana, and Illinois. Four Lines. They could travel from VA to southern Kentucky, then go west all the way to southern Illinois. Two Lines. Takes longer, but better to be late than to never arrive because you're stuck in Cincinnati. 

These Liners who "devote their lives to destroying those who intrude upon their domain" don't seem like the type to transport Bear and his crew to Cincinnati when they can just kill them.

ReplyForward Add reaction