Wednesday, December 05, 2012

New Beginning 978

Over a year ago, Earth Navy made contact with a race of aliens called Thewls. The space faring warriors sought help in a battle for galactic peace against a radically different race of aliens called Lokians, an insect-like race of monsters. The Humans and Thewls joined forces. Together, they defeated the Lokians on their home world, in subspace.

After the battle, the Humans returned to their base of operations, Horizon colony, planet Eon. In lieu of a hero’s welcome, the special operations team, led by Captain O’Hara of Earth Navy, was disbanded and reassigned. Moreover, the colony, Horizon, was shut down before it grew to be a new home for Humans traveling the stars. President of the North American Union, Montrose, was on his way to piece together the covert operation.

In truth, Montrose had ulterior motives. He was truly seeking information from the Captain, information he believed might help him escape the ever-tightening grasp of his alien overlord, Oloroc. The President arrived on Eon too late. Captain O’Hara had deserted his post. Montrose then sought out the special operations team but they had different plans in mind and with the help of retired Admiral, John Lay, and The Bureau, they were reunited with their former Captain.

Over three years ago, the special operations team had held a bowling tournament to decide the fate of the entire galaxy. Due to the Lokians' inability to hold a bowling ball with pincers and the Thewls' tendency to attack the pinsetters with spears, the humans had triumphed, ensuring peace for the next two-hundred years. Or so they thought. Montrose had rushed to the closing ceremonies, but arrived too late. Upon winning, O'Hara had promptly bailed on his team.

More than a decade ago, Montrose, at the bidding of Oloroc, had opened a hair salon in Reseda named Epoch Style. In truth, he was lying in wait, waiting for the day O'Hara would surface with his secret information about Markakian Overlord divorce procedures.

A century ago, O'Hara had ordered cable from Time Warner. Noticing O'Hara on the grid, Montrose rushed to Gum Branch, Georgia. Too late; O'Hara had already abandoned his apartment and moved into a tidy condo that would become home for hippies traveling from Winnetka to Lycus IV.

Opening: Aaron Dennis.....Continuaton: Heather


Evil Editor said...

P1: Not sure about the phrase "battle for galactic peace." Sounds like the Lokians are battling for galactic domination. Or maybe I'm showing my human bias. Maybe it's the humans battling for domination. We certainly seek dominion over insects here in the 21st century, albeit unsuccessfully.

P2: No need to tell us twice within three sentences that the colony is called Horizon. Does the president have a first name? I thought it was just singers and Brazilian footballers who went by one name. I wonder how it would play if a candidate for president of the US went by one name. Maybe Romney would be president today if he had gone by just Mitt.

P3: Montrose seeks out the special operations team, but surely he knows that in the previous paragraph that team was disbanded.

I find myself more interested in the story of alien overlord Oloroc than O'Hara.

Presumably you are attempting to summarize everything that went on in books 1 and 2 to refresh the memories of those who have been anxiously awaiting book 3. A better idea is to get the reader into book 3 with an interesting scene and fill in the backstory later, possibly by having a character who knows it tell a character who doesn't.

Dave Fragments said...

That's a ton of backstory and when it's done, the reader still won't know if they are going to read a thoughtful exploration story about space or a swashbuckling pirate ray guns and bombs war movie or a spy novel of plots and counterplots.

Start with some action -- a nice murder or a duel between spaceships or some alien ripping humans into pieces. PErhaps the covert plot ends with person A shooting person B from a hidden grassy knoll.

IMHO said...

Agree with EE. This reads like the summary paragraphs in a corporate memo (bcc: Oloroc). Suggest starting with a new problem, unique to Book 3, to hook your readers, both old and new.

150 said...

I started skimming pretty quick. EE's solution is sound.

none said...

Doesn't read anything like the opening of a story. And who are the space-faring warriors--Earth Navy or the Thewls? It's not at all clear.