Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Guess the Plot
Beauty and the Bouncer
1. HE'S a high-class fashion model. SHE'S a pogo-stick champion. Will she ever stay still long enough for him to win her heart?
2. The depressing tale of why you're not cool enough to get into the trendiest club in town, even if you slip the bouncer a twenty, while that harlot in the miniskirt doesn't even have to wait in line.
3. Bree Taylor loses everything in a bad investment except the one asset she doesn't want: a biker bar in the hinterlands of Northern California. She takes it over reluctantly, realizes she can't handle the customers herself, and hires a bouncer. Happily ever after?
4. A lovely and brilliant cat named Beauty shares her house with a slave human named Melissa, who exists solely to bring Beauty's food, keep her litter box fresh, and provide something warm for the feline to lounge upon. Life is good until Melissa brings home an idiot dog: a distracting pestilence known as "The Bouncer," who intends to stay, but must be eliminated at any cost. War ensues.
5. She's a type A med student with an adorable drinking problem! He's a tough guy from the wrong side of the tracks trying to put his past behind him! Can they look past their differences and find love? It's a romance novel, so, yeah, probably.
6. When Elissa's friends set her up with the rough, hunky Jake, she knows he's bad news. Until the day he flattens some bikers trying to get too friendly. Now she can't get enough of him. But can she at least housebreak him before she takes him home to meet her mother?
7. Norman is the lanky dork who gets hired as a bouncer at Jezebel's Bar. Lucy is the slutty shot girl who already works there. Their boss has a strict no-dating rule, especially between bouncers and slutty shot girls. So you just know they're gonna hit the sheets posthaste.
Dear Benevolent Editor,
I am seeking a publisher for “Beauty and the Bouncer,” a contemporary romance, complete at X,000 words, [Never combine Arabic numbers with Roman numerals; use one or the other. And try to expand this to at least LX,000 words.] that should appeal to fans of the wry humor and playful sexiness in the works of Jennifer Crusie, Victoria Dahl, and Rachel Gibson.
Lucy York is an aspiring mechanical engineer moonlighting as a slutty shot girl at Jezebel’s Bar & Lounge to pay her bills. [Is that the actual job description? Was she looking through the help wanted ads and answered one for a slutty shot girl? If a bar owner advertised for a slutty shot girl I would expect women to be boycotting and picketing the place.] [If the reader is familiar with the term "shot girl," I don't see the need to add "slutty" to the description. And if she's not familiar with the term, she'll probably think bartender.] All she has to do is keep the job—and keep herself from smashing a keg over some stupid frat boy’s head—until her student loans come through and she can flee north to live her dream of attending UC Berkeley. [My brief research suggests she could pay her tuition with what she'd make as a shot girl in about eight weeks. If she admits on her loan application that she makes $800 a night, those loans may not be forthcoming.]
Then her boss hires a new bouncer, Norm, a lanky literature dork who seems like everything a bouncer shouldn’t be: tall, gangly, [You already called him lanky. Tall and gangly isn't adding much.] sweet (and, you know, named Norman). But, as she gets to know the new guy, ol’ Norm turns out to be everything Lucy never knew she wanted: funny, passionate, smart, kind, and the best friend she’s ever had.
One problem for their happily ever after: the big boss man [owner] has a strict no-dating rule for employees. Especially between bouncers and slutty shot girls. [Is that how the rule is worded? No dating shot girls, especially not the slutty ones?] If anyone at Jezebel’s finds out she’s dating a bouncer, [We didn't even find out she's dating him. Is she?] [He takes a job as a bouncer, agreeing to the no-dating-slutty-shot-girls rule, and immediately starts dating a slutty shot girl? He didn't seem like the type. Can't he wait a while and follow her to Berkeley?] Lucy will lose her job as well as her best chance of getting out of the dump and away to Berkeley. [I thought she was getting away as soon as her loans came through. Do the loans depend on having a job as a slutty shot girl?] [Why doesn't Norm quit and get a job as a bouncer at the library?]
But, if she loses Norm trying to protect her job, is she losing her best chance at really ending up happy for forever after [happiness]?
I have two full-length novels out now as ebooks under my pen name E.D. Walker. My paranormal romance "The Beauty's Beast" was released by Noble Romance Publishing last year and my YA fantasy novel, “Heir to the Underworld,” was released by Sapphire Blue Publishing a few months later. My novel “The Beauty’s Beast” was a finalist in the First Book category of Romance Writer’s Ink “More Than Magic” contest.
Thank you for taking the time to consider my work.
If Lucy were to lose her job, couldn't she just move to the Berkeley area and get a job as a shot girl there? I don't think you've shown her situation to be a desperate predicament. Should I risk losing this job I'm planning to quit soon anyway just to live happily ever after? Duh.
Has Norm agreed to move north when Lucy does? As far as we know, Norm is the guy who just started working at Jezebel's, and Lucy is planning to move to another city. We need to know that this is true love and that losing her job would ruin everything.
You might want to change the opening to:
Lucy York is an aspiring mechanical engineer moonlighting as a shot girl to pay her bills. All she has to do is keep the job—serving watered-down drinks to drunken frat boy’s at Jezebel’s Lounge—until her student loans come through and she can flee north to live her dream of attending UC Berkeley.
This explains the term "shot girl" to those agents who aren't into the big-city nightlife scene without calling them sluts. The shot girls, not the agents.
I believe the term "moonlighting" means working at a second job after getting off your main job. If shot girl is Lucy's only job, she's working, not moonlighting.