Sunday, August 16, 2009

Bad Query 8

Dear Mr. Editor,

The title of my novel, Forced Air, is two words long; the same applies to my name and my protagonist’s, as neither of us, oddly enough, have middle names. My nom de plume, in the other hand, contains 8 words and 43 characters. I trust you will agree that I have made every word of my novel count, from my dedication (183 words) to my epilogue (3287 words). The novel itself is proportioned thus:

Introduction: 3

Prologue: 287

Description of Rob Hoover and other characters: 6921

Dramatic foreshadowing: 53, or 7821 if Rob’s speculation on time portals counts

Characters mocking Rob for not being flatulent: 12,381, 32 three quarter-words, 451 half-words, and 3 one third-words (I have a character who interrupts a lot and generates great hilarity) (for an exact calculation to the 8th decimal of where each word was interrupted, see Appendix A for this query letter)

Rob bemoaning his sad, windless state: 8940

Rob’s journey through time until meeting Columbus: 1

Rob and Columbus’s lessons on cutting the cheese, literally: 3122, 581 repeats (Christopher Columbus stutters) (see Appendix B for a complete breakdown of these words)

Rob and Columbus’s lessons on cutting the cheese, figuratively: 4819, 784 repeats (ditto and ditto)

Rob’s triumphant return: 83,256

Appendix A, various versions of “The Musical Fruit:” 5643

Appendix B, a medical description of flatulence: 438

Appendix C, illustrations: 56

This query letter was 240 words long.




fairyhedgehog said...

Oh my word. Obsessed with flatulence and word count. I love the lessons on cutting the cheese literally and figuratively.

Khazar-khum said...

Illustrations? Gee, you shouldn't have!

Sarah Laurenson said...

Ah Hahahahahahahahahaha

Forced Air
Great title, too!

Dave Fragments said...

I'm guessing we have an author with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder here...

Funny take on the exercise.

Xiexie said...

OCD counting and farting. Good combo.

I'd love to see the Appendices.

Chelsea Pitcher said...

Oh my, these just keep getting better. I think my favorite was: Rob's journey through time until meeting Columbus: 1


Jeb said...

And I thought I was obsessive? I bow to this author.

Rick Daley said...

Awesome breakdown, very creative way to spin the word count query!