Sunday, August 16, 2009

Bad Query 13

Dear Agent:

Let's cut to the chase. I'm considered a good-looking guy. Very good looking. And if you know anything about publicity and the entertainment world, you know that looks is everything. Attractive people have an advantage in this world. How else do you explain the crowds who watch Anna Kournikova play tennis? Or that Keanu Reeves is a movie star? Why do the highest-paying modeling jobs always seem to go to good-looking people?

This phenomenon applies as well to the writing world. Good-looking authors draw bigger crowds at book signings. They get more invitations to speak at conventions. They have an angelic aura about them that makes people want to read their books. That's how it always has been and always will be. People love to bask in the beauty of beautiful people.

I remember one time I read a great review of a book and ordered it from When it came I discovered that the back-cover flap had a photograph of the author, who looked, to put it kindly, like Thurston Howell III from Gilligan's Island. I couldn't read it. Just knowing that photograph was there soured it for me. If I'd picked it up in a bookstore I never would have bought it.

Think about the handsomest men you've ever seen. George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Fabio... I make them all look like the Elephant Man. Women will buy my book, Crossing Broad, just so they can gaze at my photograph on the back cover. Men will buy it in hopes that some of my allure will rub off on them.

May I send some head-shots?

--Evil Editor


fairyhedgehog said...

I was reading this thinking, "this is great" when I saw who'd written it. Definitely showing us how it should be done, EE.

Khazar-khum said...

"Good looking guy"? Who else but our esteemed master could have written this?

Sarah Laurenson said...

That's a heck of a platform! Beautiful! *cough* *cough*

Dave Fragments said...

YIKES! I wonder if this guy has a picture of himself in his house or if the walls are covered in mirrors.

It's just so much Fun.

_*rachel*_ said...

I wonder, do you write this sort of query by studying the masters? I'm sure you've had the opportunity.

Xiexie said...

You know....I think this argument would easily work for some.

Tara McClendon said...

LOL! You mean I can't use my good looks and charm! Bummer.

Jeb said...

Head to head with Narcissus himself. Good going!

Rick Daley said...

I always thought James Patterson looked like Thurston Howell.

I think it's the well-styled mutton chops that make EE so handsome. It almost makes me wanna grow my hair back so I can follow in his footsteps.