I shook my head, pushed my hair back behind my ears. I could feel the grease slick on my fingers: I needed a shower, not medication. Give me a hot shower and a warm towel and I’ll calm all the heck down.
“Suit yourself.” Rash shrugged and popped the pill into his own mouth, which is probably what he wanted, anyway.
I grabbed a sheet and wrapped it around myself, trying to ignore the smell; trying to stop myself from shivering. Rash never felt the cold. He could stand there in just his vest and shorts and even break a sweat, while condensation froze onto the window.
Of course, him standing there in just his vest and shorts made it easy to see he'd grabbed the wrong bottle of bitty blue pills. And if he didn't crank the heating up soon, his dewdrop was going to become an icicle.
Opening: Anon......Continuation: Anon.
I was sick of hanging out in the morgue, freezing cold and wrapped in a sheet.
"Screw you, Rash," I said. "I don't care if all the best musicians are dead, this is no place to recruit for a band."
I turned around, irritation driving me to confront him, to take out my frustrations with--
He was gone. I blinked, shuffled over, keeping the sheet wrapped tightly. His shorts and vest lay crumpled on the stained concrete floor. The little bottle of blue pills rolled beside them, back and forth.
I picked it up, read the label. For removal of annoying rash.
The shower didn't help either, so after I tossed on my jeans and a sweatshirt I found Rash hooked up to Halo in the living room.
Okay, I'm ready. Rash pulled out the dispenser from his hoodie pocket and pulled back on the long plastic ears.
"Bunny will make things better...oh look it appears you got a green one." He said, glint in his eyes."
because of things way bigger than that bitty blue pill
Things? What things?
I hadn't been calm since I got pregnant?
I hadn't been calm since I found that ax, Lizzie said?
I hadn't been calm since I released the dogs of war?
That word "things" is the opportunity to give the reader a hint at the character's struggle in the opening paragraph.
Rash (knelt on the bed offering) me a pill and a half cup of water .
“It’ll calm you down,” He said -- I couldn’t see it.
My heart was beating like a Ginger Baker solo and the tablet (Is it ecstasy or paxil?). I hadn’t been calm in a week because of things way bigger than that bitty blue pill. (Why is the blue pill a big thing? Drug use is common. Or maybe it’s not the pill but that the pill makes her sick, but if she considers the sight of a pill making her sick is a big thing, it makes me doubt her other problem is problem- unless she has cancer, but readers need to know that.)
I shook my head, pushed my oily hair back behind my ears. I needed a shower, not medication. Give me a hot shower and a warm towel and I’ll (I’ll is present tense. Try I’d) calm all the heck down.
“Suit yourself.” Rash shrugged and popped the pill into his own mouth.
I wrapped the sheet around myself (I assumed they were in the kitchen until this part. I stopped for a moment wonder what a sheet was doing in the kitchen. Later I wondered if it was cold why a sheet and not a blanket or comforter?), trying to ignore the smell (of what? Rash, Zombie, Rotting Conjoined twin fetuses?) and to stop myself from shivering. (There is something about the smell and the cold here. Maybe it’s because I don’t know what the smell is. Still I’d suggest reworking this to put her shiver before she gets the blanket- also it’s not clear weather she’s shivering because she’s ill or because it’s cold. ) Rash never felt the cold. He could stand there in just his vest and shorts and never break a sweat, while condensation the window froze.
Thoughts: This felt a little off when I first read it, but I liked it too. There seems to be some odd sentence structure going on, which an of itself may mark your writer life later, but because the sentences are a bit wordy, the oddness I like looses (whatever it is I’m liking- as if that makes sense). Use some pruning shears. The writing is trying to balance the senses, but in order for it to work we need to know what things are. I’m curious to know what her problem is, and I’d read a few more paragraphs to find out, but don’t keep the mystery too long. Good job.
I like it.
I liked it. Aside from some punctuation issues, the only thing that stood out was the "heck." The situation seems a little grittier than that.
There isn't much I would change here. The writing is concise and you give a good deal of information without stopping the story. My only real issue was with the last sentence of the first paragraph. I feel like you were telling the reader things that the story was already showing, almost as if you didn't trust the reader to figure it out. Also, you repeat the sentiment with "I needed a shower, not medication," which, for me, summed things up nicely without telling too much.
I love the Ginger Baker simile and the part about Rash's resistance to the cold. I am curious why the narrator hasn't taken a shower in a week, but I imagine the script will explain.
Hi anon authot,
I like this a LOT, as is, and I'd read on.
Same with the continuation, actually.
I like this mucho much. The only thing that gave me pause was the use of the semicolon here
I grabbed a sheet and wrapped it around myself, trying to ignore the smell; trying to stop myself from shivering.
I think it should be a comma. So yeah, that's all. Good job Anonymous!
I like this and wish there was more.
Many thanks to all for reading and giving your thoughts and encouragement. It's much appreciated and helps me with sharpening the words. Thank you.
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