Monday, November 03, 2008
Spooky Day, Take 2
Halloween is behind us, and already the most frightening day of the year is upon us. That's right, election day, the day we decide which idiots to send to Washington. The principles of democracy were set down centuries ago, but here's a quick review: Voters study the choices in each race and carefully make up their minds which imbecile is the lesser of two evils. This decision is based on one of the following, or a combination of them: which candidate ran the least-irritating TV ads; which candidate's supporters phoned the voter less often, and which candidate is better looking. I know of no one who has ever voted using other criteria.
Each voter has one vote to do with as he pleases, and no one can tell you what to do with your vote. Stop laughing. That's how it's supposed to work. In practice, no one trusts you to vote correctly. Here are some of the people who aren't content to simply cast their own vote and accept the decision of the majority:
1. Party Loyalists. These people will try to convince you that the better candidate in every race from president to county sheriff just happens to belong to their party. Let's look at the odds. Say you are voting in eight elections. The chances that the more conscientious, harder-working candidate is a Democrat in all eight is one over two to the eighth power: 1/256. The odds that the better candidate in each race is a Republican are even worse. Just once I'd like to hear a party loyalist say, "Our candidate for governor is a gem, but our senatorial candidate is a real lemon, and I simply cannot justify voting for him."
2. Car owners. These idiots reduce the resale value of their cars by pasting on political bumper stickers in hopes that the morons driving behind them will say, "Hey, an Oldsmobile with a Stassen bumper sticker! That's good enough for me! And while I'm on the subject, what about all these signs posted at every intersection? There should be a law that if you win an election and your signs aren't removed within two days, your opponent wins.
3. Endorsers. Movie stars, athletes, newspaper columnists, politicians already in office . . . they all think if they announce for whom they're voting, you'll follow their lead. I'm supposed to vote for someone just because Barbra Streisand or Richard Petty is? You'd have to be a drug addict to believe voters are stupid enough to follow you blindly. Of course, most movie stars and athletes are drug addicts, so...
4. People outside voting sites. Apparently these nuisances expect people to walk up and say, "I'm here to vote, but I need some advice. Advice from . . . You! Specifically, I need you, a complete stranger to tell me, an adult, what to do." I don't show up just to increase voter turnout; I've already decided. Leave me alone, or I'll vote for the other candidate out of spite. Yes, I would do that.
I'm not trying to dampen your spirit. By all means get out and vote. But don't vote for idiots. There are enough of them in office already.