Monday, November 10, 2008

Extremely Short Story 4

The news ran through me like an electric shock as the anchor solemnly read the lead story: what should have been a fun, family day out had all gone terribly wrong.

The opening of a new drive-thru was supposed to have been a joyous event for our small, back-water town, but eyewitness reports told how their orange-haired mascot had completely flipped out and taken a girl hostage; and my sister Lucy was there.

I grabbed my coat as news came in of a strange effigy that had appeared in Farmer Melvyn's field--I had to get there. Knowing that (even though it was a bitch to suck through a straw) so much McFlurry mix couldn't stand up on it's own, I feared the worst.

The rain started gushing down and I felt it running cold down the back of my neck when she looked straight at me. That’s when I saw Lucy’s eyes, bright red and swollen with tears, staring right back at me out of that cold white face.

The smell of sour milk filled my nostrils as I turned and ran away from the lake. I don’t suppose I’d have said yes if you’d asked me if I was running away from home. I just kept running.



Kiersten said...

I always knew McDonald's was evil.

This was great--both the fake part and the real.

My only complaint is the down/down repetition in the first paragraph of the ending.

Evil Editor said...

The first two sentences (of the ending) seem repetitive. The first ends: when she looked straight at me. To then say, That's when I saw her eyes staring right back at me... Of course that's when you saw them; otherwise you wouldn't have known she was looking straight at you.

You could combine the two into something like:

The rain started gushing down; I felt it cold on the back of my neck as Lucy’s eyes, bright red and swollen with tears, stared at me out of that cold white face.

ChrisEldin said...

I thought "she" and "Lucy" were two different people....

I like these short stories! But how does one come up with a preceding paragraph....This is even harder than the captions. But fun to read when they're done, so don't stop, please!!!

Anonymous said...

This was hilarious, I laughed uproariously!! Even though the original ending initial struck me as a bit maudlin(tho I usually do like your writing quite a bit, Sylvia), when it served as the punch line for the ESS the phrase "cold white face" took on a totally different (giggle)funny meaning! So Bravo to Anon.
(It wasn't me!)


sylvia said...

I love the McD's twist - excellent!

You know, I saw an error in that sentence at the last minute - and still didn't see the repetition.

The "I saw" was meant to mean "Lucy's eyes" - that is, Chris has it right that until that moment "she" is presumed to be someone other than Lucy. But I take your point and prefer the rewrite.

Robin S. said...

I really like this new combo plan thing. I'm just not sure what to do with it once I've read it.

The beginning of this flows so well into the ending - that's very well done.

And Sylvia, I love that last paragraph.