Why you don't get published.
Friday, September 29, 2006
New Beginning 131
The electronic notes of my "Night on Bald Mountain" ringtone cut over the buzz of morning commuters in the line at Starbuck's.
It was McAllister. Of course. I flipped open my cell phone while balancing a bag of mini-muffins in the crook of my elbow. "Lisa."
"Good morning, Lisa. We need you at the travel center. Joe is dead."
I scrutinized the fruit and yogurts in the iced display case. The bananas looked all right. I dug one out and propped it on top of the mini-muffins. "Again?"
"Bring Denise. Carlos will meet us there. And please, do try to be on time."
"On time?" I said. I unloaded my armful of breakfast onto the counter. The cashier tapped a listless finger on the counter as I dug a debit card out of my purse with one hand. "What the hell does that matter to Joe?"
I closed the phone before he could answer, and was about to pay when I noticed a well-dressed man near the window. He'd managed to balance a cup of coffee on each shoulder and was standing on one foot atop his chair. The people in line were watching him, and ignoring me.
This isn't over, I thought, snatching three bagels from the bin and juggling them. Each time the cinnamon-raisin one passed by I quickly leaned back and took a swig from the bottle of chocolate milk jammed into my cleavage.
"Top that, coffee boy!" I sneered at the man on the chair.
But he hadn't even noticed me. He was looking at the woman in the kimono with the donuts on her ears and the pitcher of orange juice balanced on her forehead.
Opening: acd.....Continuation: Dave Conifer
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20 comments:
Wow! That continuation is brilliant. I'm still laughing. The opening was interesting, I'd have enjoyed reading further, but it would be tough to get a better response than I had to the one posted. Excellent!
He's dead...again? That piqued my interest. The continuation was ROFL funny as well. I'd like to read more of this.
Oh, dear God, that continuation is great!
Ahem. I, too, am curious as to why Joe is dead again. Unless Joe is a cat, McAllister's got some serious 'splainin to do.
That was my continuation but EE really made it better...
...dave conifer
Really, the only thing that might be wrong with this opening is what the continuation points out--I found myself trying to imagine Lisa going through her balancing act with her banana and muffins and debit card and etc. It was just a leeetle bit too much. But just a little. Maybe it was just the "bag of mini muffins" balanced in the crook of her arm that did it. Just give the woman a muffin.
It occurs to me that "Joe" is some sort of computer or something. If that is the case, I would be seriously pissed off. Better admit it as soon as possible and give me something juicer to take my mind off the trickery.
Great continuation!!! Too funny!
Interesting hook. It would keep me going for at least one more page.
However, I found the first sentences slow - a bit too bland and long in set-up of location before the hook, and a bit too much contrived busy-ness then and during the conversation.
What about starting with:
""Lisa. We need you at the travel center. Joe is dead."
"Again?"
I scrutinized the fruit and yogurts in the iced display case. The bananas looked all right. I dug one out..."
I like the author's set up better than yours, Jeb. The hook was only the third friggin' sentence for crying out loud. How can that be too slow? You want the whole story on the head of a bullet or something?
If Joe is something like a computer, that would wreck the hook for me. And I have to agree about the word juggle being the problem. Not a bad beginning, though. :)
I apologize if this double posts, but I got bounced off during the first one, so trying again.
Continuation--very amusing--loved it.
Story--bits I liked, bits I didn't.
What bothered me: mini-muffins in the crook of my elbow, yogurts (is that the correct plural?), and armful of breakfast. Most readers are smart enough to get the picture without being beat over the head 3 times with it.
(Didn't like listless either, fwiw.)
bits I liked-Night on Bald Mountain (immediately tells me this is humor), "again"-now that is funny.
questionable parts-travel agency having an emergency that needs four people (McAllister, Lisa, Denise and Carlos) to drop what they're doing and rush over. I'm having trouble imagining what that could be.
I'd probably keep reading, for now.
good luck.
Hilarious continuation!
I liked the opening. I'm with Monkey. I figure Joe is a computer, still it was intriguing and I'd read more.
I loved the opening. It got me asking a lot of questions. And of course, if any of the answers involve people returned from the dead, you're onto a winner.
Lisa's blase attitude towards the news that Joe is dead really intrigued me. I hope he's not going to be a computer.
Bravo for the continuation!
It sounded like The Devil Wears Prada, except worse. There is no sense of anything happening or about to happen, except possibly, a hard drive problem. There is obviously no sense of urgency in any of the characters, and how can one be anything but "on time" to a callout? If she wasn't supposed to be there and she's there, she's on time enough. And what hand is Lisa using to grab a banana if she has her purse and muffins in one arm, and her cell phone in the other?
I think if I had bought this based on the back copy, I'd stop now and move on to something with a plot and a modicum of plausibility.
The continuation is funny. The opening isn't bad. I would keep reading. The only problem I have is that Lisa is one of those people that piss me off trying to check out while talking on the phone and deciding to dig out the debit card at the last minute. -JTC
Loved that continuation!!
That said, it looks like I'm the only one that thought when Lisa said, "Again?" she was asking whomever to repeat what he said...
My brain can't be that mushy. Or can it?
I'm hoping the author will come by and explain it.
I'd keep reading.
~JerseyGirl
I liked the opening and the continuation had me laughing out loud. I agree with some of the critiques, but they're a little harsh.
My face is red and my stomach hurts. First time I've laughed out loud in days.
I'd start with the "Lisa, Joe is dead" quote. Her response is awesome and that brings the most interesting bit right up front. You can work in who called her later if you really need it.
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