Why you don't get published.
Sunday, September 24, 2006
New Beginning 124
Rainaut stared down at the two-toed track in the dried mud next to the rotting remains of a pig. He closed his eyes.
There's no such thing as dragons. There's no such thing as dragons.
He opened his eyes. The track was still there. Ravens nearby fluttered, causing Rainaut to jump. His gaze flicked to the forest, for the last eighteen years, a bright and lovely place, but today, dark and foreboding. Nothing moved, except for the ravens, impatient for him to leave, so they could return to the carcass.
The sun hovered just over the tops of the mountains. Perhaps he should return to Agarèla for the night. But, no, two of the houses there had walls missing from where dragons—no, bandits, he told himself—had broken in and attacked the residents.
A flock of birds erupted from the treetops a half mile away and Rainaut made up his mind. He sprinted down the road toward Corbisnèle.
"There's no such thing as dragons," he sang aloud as he ran. His song seemed to bolster his courage. But as he rounded the next bend and caught sight of Corbisnèle in the distance, a giant shadow fell over Rainaut. He turned, just in time to see the stream of fire blazing from above.
He managed one last thought before the flames engulfed him: So. Apparently there is such a thing as dragons.
Continuation: Evil Editor
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15 comments:
EE - great continuation!
I think this really could be the start of a fun fantasy story -I would read on.
I see several alternatives here:
1) Rainaut meets no dragon on the way to Corbisnele in which case, why even write the opening.
2) Rainaut meets a dragon, fights it and dies - in which case we have to get a hint of a secret or some insight into the dragons
3) Rainaut kills the dragon and establishes himself as the protagonist of the story.
I think the language is great, the tone is great but it's a little fat (yes a few too many words). By that I mean that he encounters ravens twice in words.
Also, I think parts of the sentence "But, no, two of the houses there had walls missing from where dragons—no, bandits, he told himself—had broken in and attacked the residents" is redundant. It says the same thing twice over.
And if I were you, I work on the flock of birds. You see, living out in the country, I know that blackbirds (The ones that sing in the dead of night) are carrion eaters and just plain crows when they rip your garbage apart to get at the meat and bones. However, when they become RAVENS, they become lesser nobles of the avian world. Wotan has Ravens that talk to him at Valhalla. Ravens are harbingers of fate or misfortune. Mere birds bursting from the treetops might just be startled, but ravens would presage dark, bad things. Think about it. Maybe you want lowly vermin gnawing the dead pig and then --- ravens, black as night, ominous as (?) taking flight.
After which the dragon rises, huge, eyes glaring, fire dripping from it's scaly jowls...
So, our votes were a total waste of time then?
*wanders off to find some writing to avoid*
There were very few votes. Guess we should do this sometime other than Friday night. What votes there were were spread over seven or eight continuations. Had more than half of them been for the same one, I'd have used it. I can try this again with another opening, in hopes of a better result, if it's desired.
dave said:
the sentence... is redundant. It says the same thing twice over.
Really! Is that what redundant means?
;)
say what?
say what?
;) ;)
I repeat? you mean I saw things twice for emphasis and don't realize it? Why I don't do that, do I? DO I repeat?
OMIGOD, I do repeat, repeat.
Gee, golly, gosh, whizzies, you pointed out one of my faults. Beware, beware, Miss Manners and Ann Landers might come back from the grave to have a poke at you.
I like this opening. It's straightforward, interesting, and well written.
I'm pretty sure Miss Manners is alive, Dave.
Can't talk for everyone, but my weekends tend to be packed with activities other than spending too much time with you, oh evil one. Sad I know, but true.
You might get more responses if you run something like this on a 'normal' (hah!) working/schooling/housewifing day.
"But I should have won," she whines.
"I never win anything," he complains.
"This is not fair," said the wannabe author.
Not another rejection. Just like a real slushpile. Sometimes nobody gets picked. sigh.
EE, I'm disappointed in the continuation. I expected zombies from you, or at least a brutal eunuch or two. (Maybe Rainaut is the brutul eunuch... or maybe he's a vampire? That'd be cool.)
I dunno... Every time I look at that name, I think of Renault, the automobile. My uncle used to deal cars, and he said Renaults were "shitboxes." I just can't take this opening seariously when I think of a little, crappy car every time I see the protagonist's name.
Sorry to be so useless in commentary. I'm tired tonight.
fojtzs: The name for a Russian dragon treat made from lightly grilled boy (sheep will substitute).
Nice opening, author, I would keep reading. You open at an interesting point, with the unusual tracks, the houses with missing walls, the boy's decision where to go next, and the denial ("no, bandits"). Good writing, too.
I agree with some other commenters that the birds get a lot of attention (ravens twice, then another flock of birds) so unless they play some significant role you might want to cut them down to only one or two mentions.
Good luck with publication!
First two paragraphs: Great.
Third paragraph: Ack. "Ravens nearby fluttered" should be "Ravens fluttered nearby". "His gaze ... for the last eighteen years" is confusing. "Nothing moved ... to the carcass" has way too many commas for a single sentence.
Fourth: Yawn. We already know that he doesn't believe in dragons. It's not a bad paragraph, just nothing special.
Fifth: We're still talking about birds?
I'll reiterate that I liked how it started out. It's a nice image. Just watch your writing.
I like Dave's take on ravens and vermin, esp. using the ravens of harbingers of bad things to come...
Nice start - I'd definitely read on.
~JerseyGirl
Thanks for the comments, everyone. I appreciate them.
Dave, it's option number four: none of the above. I'm kind of glad you didn't guess what happens next, although I'm sure you'll be able to now.
As for the birds, I hadn't noticed that. The third mention of birds aren't ravens, just some generic flock of birds that got startled. Hmmm.
And thanks to everyone who wrote continuations for this one. I had a lot of fun reading them.
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