The 4th Serial Killers Guess the Plot Quiz

The following Guess the Plots appeared here during the past year. But not all were fakes. Which one(s) turned out to be the actual plots of minions' novels?


1. A new serial killer leaves a bizarre signature - he hacks out his victims teeth and puts dandelions in the gums. As investigators waste time arguing over whether his nickname should be "dandelion mouth" or "the floral dentist," he manages to kill three more times.

2. Due to prison overcrowding, serial killer Richard Snead is released after three months of incarceration and ordered to keep a log detailing all his activities.

3. After escaping from a serial killer and then getting captured by him again, Lila declares that she's a failure as a human, and when she dies she'll be a . . . Bitter Angel.

4. Someone is leaving death-threat poems on Gina's front door. Is it the serial killer known as . . . "The Rhymester"? Maybe, but Gina hasn't rejected the possibility she has a secret admirer.

5. As Josh Booth camps in the north woods, vampires capture him, binding him to a tree. He escapes and warns authorities but Detective Abby Lincoln says he’s crazy. When bodies--drained of blood--are found bound to other trees in the woods, Lincoln thinks Booth is the serial killer.

6. Hiking in the forest, Ami finds a box of trinkets. Could each of them be a trophy from some killer's thirty-year murder spree? She thinks so. But can she avoid becoming the killer's next victim?

7. When the bodies of four women turn up in different parts of the city, homicide detective Zack Martinez puts it down to football violence. But when a fifth girl is found missing a piece of her scalp, it brings back memories of a chilling serial killer from the beginning of his career. He knows two things: If this is the Genesis killer, then they sent the wrong man to San Quentin; and the Genesis Killer knows where he used to live.




Answer below.



The actual plots are:



3, 4, and 6

Face-Lift 1087

Guess the Plot

Girl in the Dark

1. She's a girl. She's in the dark. Also, some rats, a baseball bat, and a flashlight with failing batteries.

2. After dying, seventeen-year-old Julie finds herself in a Dark world where she must stop a Darkness in its quest to claim the earth as its own. But can she focus on her task when there's a hunky stranger hanging with her? Did I mention it was Dark?

3. When the severed head of iconic 'scream queen' Devilicious is found stuffed in a cooler inside a burning car, homicide Detective Zack Martinez knows two things: One, she didn't drive herself, and two, that horror film scream-a-thon at the Egyptian won't be the same without her as hostess.

4. Sophia works in Brussels as a high class ‘night escort’. She goes to the most exclusive parties with Europe’s most powerful men. She is privy to many nations’ secrets. Others want those secrets and they are after Sophia. She hides during the day and ventures out only at night. Can Sophia’s ‘friends’ catch the stalkers before she is caught?

5. Shanna is an ordinary teenager, worrying about college acceptance letters and a date for the prom, but when a freak accident unlocks her hidden clairvoyance, her life takes an unexpected turn. Suddenly, Shanna knows things she shouldn’t know, and her idealistic family life is anything but what it seems.

6. Jason, a young Catholic priest in fin-de-siecle New Orleans, sees the Girl in the darkened rectory hallway every night. After a steamy candle-lit bath, Jason discovers a message from the Girl on his fogged mirror. It warns of doomsday -- and asks Jason to help save the world.



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Julie's last thought before she closes her eyes is that dying isn't too hard, but dying alone sucks. [Her first thought after she opens her eyes is that sex isn't bad, but sex alone is even better.]

The world looks different on the other side - here, she can see the Darkness, an evil force that thrives on bloodshed. It's out to claim the earth as its own, [Anyone can claim the earth; it's getting earthlings to accept your claim that's the tricky part.] and must be stopped at all costs. The collectors are devoted to doing just that, and see something in Julie worth saving. But her new life comes with a price: she must either succeed as a collector, or die. Again. For real, this time. But even with great gifts - the ability to stop time, a regenerating and ever-young body, and a weapon powerful enough to slice the devil in two - Julie knows she's going to be a big fat fail as a collector. Because Julie knows all about stacked heels. The best spring lip color. How to tell the real Prada from a knock-off. [Knowing those things isn't what's going to cause her to fail. If we must know Julie has great fashion sense, tell us when you introduce her. Otherwise, save it for the book.]

She has no idea how to be a hero. 

[Actually, it's pretty easy. 

1. Stop time. 
2. Take your weapon and slice the bad guys in two. 
3. Go home and restart time.]

Julie's uncoordinated. Unpretty. Not even particularly brave. She might be immortal, but she's no hero. And her mentor, the girl who's supposed to be showing her the ropes, seems like she's more interested in throwing Julie to the wolves. She has Julie wondering[:] if the collectors are supposed to be the good guys, then why do they seem so bad? [In what way do they seem bad?] And then there's the blue-eyed stranger, [Isn't everyone in this place a stranger?] the only kind thing in this new Dark world. Will she live long enough to reveal the secret he carries about Julie's past? [Does that sentence say what you think it says? How can she reveal the secret he carries? To whom would she reveal it?]

Julie's got to get this right. This is her last chance. Last chance at redemption for a seventeen year-old that died alone on some forgotten stretch of road. It's her last chance at something resembling life. Maybe even love. [Love with a blue-eyed stranger.]

She just has to be that girl. That superhero girl.

Impossible.

Girl in the Dark is a YA urban fantasy, 80,000 words.

Thanks,


Notes

An occasional non-sentence is fine for effect. But. You have at least ten sentences with no verb. Annoying. Irritating. To me. I start wondering if the whole book is like that. Choppy. Like this. Is there anything wrong with:

Sure, Julie knows all about stacked heels, the best spring lip color, and how to tell the real Prada from a knock-off.

But she has no idea how to be a hero.

or:

She must succeed as a collector, or die--for real this time.


Why are the collectors called the collectors? What do they collect? Should "collectors" be capitalized?

We know very little about the story. Julie dies on a highway, and finds herself being mentored as a collector, someone devoted to stopping some "Darkness" that thrives on bloodshed. And there's a stranger. What little we know is vague. 

The Darkness wants to claim the earth as its own? What does that mean? What specific things has the Darkness done in this attempt to claim the earth? Has it killed three people? Has it caused a World War? Is it a visible entity or just a nebulous idea?

Her mentor seems to be throwing her to the wolves? What did her mentor do? We want specifics about the plot.

ZOMBIES!

The following "Guess the Plots" all appeared during the past year. But three of them turned out to be the actual plots of minions' novels. Can you remember which three?


1. Molly the mole is worried. There were enough predators out there even before all the humans became zombies. Because zombies are slow, they've taken to digging up prey. So Molly is building an army of moles to bash the zombie heads and make Earth safe for mole-kind.

2. Zombie mummy cats chase zombie mummy mice in Tutankhamen's tomb after an earthquake releases a spell from a sealed vase. Plus, a hapless archaeologist.

3. Emma comes home for her ten-year reunion, hoping to reconnect with her best friend, Rose. But she didn't count on Rose being a zombie queen who has turned all Emma's closest relations into flesh-eating undead who want Emma as their next snack.

4. Katie Holloway always signed her love letters to her hockey goalie fiance Malcolm Daley “Forever yours”. The words take on a new meaning when Malcolm dies in a freak Zamboni accident and is buried in the newly opened Eternal Springs cemetery where the residents don’t rest peacefully. Can Malcolm prove his undying love, or will Katie convince him once and for all that “forever” doesn’t mean spending the rest of her days as a zombie bride?

5. When his brother is killed, Ethan seeks revenge by unleashing an army of zombies on the nation's capital while a war between heaven and hell spills over into everyday life. Chaos ensues.

6. An attention-starved, cross-dressing zombie yearns to be human again, but to purge himself of his curse, he must convince the local pastor to let him enter purgatory. Will he agree to give up his tutu and heels?

7. It's the 70's, and the show is so "mod" that it's "groovy." It's...Soul Game! But Charley the Zombie, who could never get anything right, made the mistake of airing it opposite this "hip" new show called Soooooul Train.

8. The zombie apocalypse was supposed to be the stuff of blockbusters. So why does Jeff still need to report to his cubicle by eight to get brains on the table for his family? At least his zombified state makes the drudgery of data entry easier to bear. For him. For the reader, not so much.

9. Since she can remember, Sandra has wanted to be only one thing; a gravedigger. Sandra's parents are already horrified when she lands a dig-gig right after high school instead of going to college, but when she starts bringing her work home with her...

10. A zombie sidles into Tombstone with nary an idear the newspaper misspelled "ghoul" for "girl" in the help wanteds. He gets so upset he upchucks his last meal of brains and cream gravy, which the newspaper terms "White Erp" in its next edition ... and a legend is borned.

11. The hookers on Fremont's Wharf are all long dead. Some of them got their start lifting their hoopskirts for Civil War soldiers. But now some one is murdering them for real.

12. There's a war. People die. There's a plague. More people die. There's a smith and a doctor. They philosophize about life, do business, and die to the ZOMBIE HORDES!!!!!!

13. The residents of Darkmoon City are undead, and they don't want humans encroaching on their homeland. It's a territorial thing. Of course, when the person doing the encroaching is gorgeous, all bets are off. Also, an unemployed drummer.

14. Hitler, Napoleon, and Attila race chariots towards a row of exploding shopping carts where clones of zombie Marilyn Monroe line dance. More things explode. A sensitive monologue about the cost of explosions on the environment ensues. And things explode some more.

15. What's a witch to do when alien plant monsters invade, cats go on strike, and the town council condemns her condo? Create a better love potion with the help of an Egyptian zombie. Also, illicit fertilizer usage.



Answer below.



The actual plots are:


3, 5, and 13

SATAN!

The following Guess the Plots have appeared since the last time we did a Satan quiz a few years ago. Four of them turned out to be the actual plots of minions' novels. Which four?


1. After Adam and Eve screw up, God replaces them with a more self-reliant pair. As Eden is overrun by rodent-spawn, God realizes He's just been conned . . . by Satan.

2. Mort Rimby, ace reporter, agrees to run a newspaper for Satan. But all Hell breaks loose when Mort discovers that Satan's wife Marge is the real power behind the pitchfork -- and Marge has the hots for Mort.

3. Wannabe artist Nigel was never as talented as his brother Simon. In desperation he cuts a deal with Satan, selling his soul in return for the ability to paint with the Devil's own oils. He begins work on a picture he knows will be a masterpiece, not realizing that he is about to unleash Armageddon.

4. First Maya goes to her husband's funeral, but there's no body in the casket. Then her new boyfriend turns out to be a rogue FBI agent hunting her "dead" husband, whose name "just happens" to be an anagram of Evil Satan. It's all par for the course in a town where . . . Nothing is what it seems.

5. Elke has always been unattractive, so when Satan offers to make her beautiful if she'll burn down a nunnery, she agrees. Hey, she's not even Catholic. But when she discovers that her long-lost twin sister is living in the nunnery, will she go through with the deal or try to con Satan into letting her renege?

6. Holy visions appearing in the sky. Miraculous cures. Global warming eliminated. Turns out, Satan's teenage daughter is going through a rebellious phase. But when her good deeds actually earn her a ticket to the Pearly Gates, can she win the cute angel's heart before Heaven changes its mind?

7. Evangeline is banished to hell for something she didn't do, as God screws up for the first time ever. There, she is nominated to become the next Satan. Hey, it's better than working at Starbucks.

8. After her terrible experiences with the first nine grades of sin, Gladys decides she's had enough and converts to atheism. But can she really get off that easy? Not if Satan has anything to say about it.

9. Despite having his own gallery in the best part of Manhattan, Satan's work isn't selling. He hires Jane Dumont to help with this marketing crisis, unaware she is an angel in disguise on a secret mission to inspire him to redeem himself.

10. Angel sees dead people. She thought they were ghosts, but it turns out what she's been seeing are demons, and they force her to choose eternal damnation in Satan's realm or insanity. Are the living conditions better in hell or an asylum?

11. When Hannah first meets her new college roommate, Giselle strikes her as a little odd. Nice enough, but a trifle . . . off. And that's before Hannah notices the horns, the tail, and the smoking cloven hoofprints that Giselle leaves on the carpet.

12. Executed serial killer Ed Parker Hull, awaiting his afterlife fate, finds both Satan and Adramelech vying for his soul. One he's never heard of, the other has a pretty bad reputation. Is it better to sign on with . . . The Devil You Know?

13. Michael wants to be one of the glamorous fashion designers he loves, so when Satan offers him a fashion line of his own in return for his soul, he jumps at the chance. He never thought Satan would stick him with a line of plus-size clothes for a cheap catalog catering to trailer park clientele. Is there any way to cut the thread?

14. When Jason attempts an escape from prison, he is hit by a runaway golf cart. In limbo he meets Satan who offers him a deal; eat seven people who embody the seven deadly sins, or rot with him in hell. Jason’s a vegan. Will he accept the deal or barter for a vegetarian alternative?

15. When Petunia's art teacher vanishes, she discovers he sold his soul to Satan 700 years ago for the ability to paint . . . and now he wants Petunia to trade her soul for his so he can get back to his studio.




Answer below.



The actual plots are:



4, 7, 10, 15

Thankgiving Dinner Needn't be the Same Old Same Old

Make this year's Thanksgiving dinner special.

I posted this recipe a couple years ago, but no one reported back that they had tried it. It sounds like more work than just roasting a turkey, but when you see the results, I think you'll agree it's worth it.

Face-Lift 1086

Guess the Plot

Wilding

1. The magical beings in my book are called wildlings. For instance, Mia Twinblades is a wildling. The book is called Wilding. For instance, Lock your doors while Wilding's wily wildlings are wilding.

2. Chronicles of a weredingo that refused to conform.

3. The multigenerational saga of the Wilding family, whose plucky women struggle to regain control of the fashion empire built by the poor but feisty Emily, and ripped from them by scheming rich girl Adeline. On the way they battle heartaches...oh, you can fill in the blanks.

4. A nation is horrified as a group of young boys, apparently engaged in "wilding," brutally attack a woman jogging in a park. Twenty-some years later, when it turns out that the now-grown-men, all of whom served prison terms, hadn't actually attacked anybody, a nation shrugs.

5. Amish youth have Rumspringa, a time to sample the decadent outside world before committing to Amish life. Were-creatures have the Wilding: two weeks without the Magistrate’s rules, a time to slake blood-lusts (and other lusts). When Rumspringa and Wilding collide in Lancaster County, teen Amanda Hofstetter must decide which lifepath to take: hallowed, heretical, or hairy.

6. Gangs of hooligans have made Gloucester the most dangerous town in the country. And the police are helpless to stop it. Enter ex-Navy SEAL Jake Carter, aka . . . The Vigilante.



Original Version

Dear Agent,

Being a wildling has its advantages: perpetual youth, enhanced strength, and accelerated healing. [They're like that angel guy on Supernatural. Or vampires.] Unfortunately for Mia Twinblades, it also comes with side effects like hallucinations, uncontrollable magic, and incipient madness that may lead to an explosive death.

When Mia stumbles upon a murder and kidnapping in progress, [Or is it one of her hallucinations?] she finds herself caught in a web of political intrigue and slavery. Magically gifted children are disappearing from the streets of Iliana, and demons are being ripped from the Abyss against their will. [By whom?] Forced into a deal with a demonic auditor, she has seven days to stop the abductions or spend eternity in the Abyss. [Why is she the one who has to do this? I don't see perpetual youth, enhanced strength, accelerated healing . . . and uncontrollable magic making her a better candidate than the authorities (or a demonic auditor) to handle this job.] Having a newly orphaned kid underfoot is bad enough, [I take this to mean the kid was the target of the kidnappers and she rescued him? And this somehow forces her into a deal with a demonic auditor?] [Is she supposed to just stop the gifted children abductions or also the demon abductions?] but things really get complicated when another wildling enters the mix. After nearly fifty years of searching, Mia’s elation at finding another one of her kind—and a gorgeous male one at that—quickly fades when she discovers that he is determined to sacrifice the boy she has sworn to protect. [So the boy isn't a wildling?] Will she choose the man she could come dangerously close to loving or the child who has captured her heart? [Or will she find a third option, one that makes everyone happy?]

Set in the fantasy world of Mara where demons operate casinos an [and] aristocrats use magically gifted children as weapons, my novel, Wilding, is complete at 92,000 words and will appeal to fans of Lisa Shearin’s Raine Benares books.

Currently employed as a nuclear chemist in southern Vermont, I’ve done everything from wrestling alligators to modeling. [Needless to say, my modeling career pretty much hit the skids after that last alligator wrestling match.] [On the alphabetical list of occupations that goes: aardvark breeder, actuary, aeronautical engineer, airplane pilot, alligator wrestler, anaconda wrestler, Aquaman, hundreds of other occupations, model, I doubt you've been everything from alligator wrestler to model. However, on the randomly ordered list of occupations that goes . . . cartographer, demonic auditor, alligator wrestler, waitress, cosmetics salesperson, model, falcon trainer . . . okay.] Thank you for your time and I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,


[Note to EE: Wildlings are a race of nearly extinct magical beings to which Mia Twinblades and the primary antagonist belong.] [So the new wilding is the primary antagonist? I had the impression he was the love interest.]



Notes

Presumably you've misspelled the only word in your title?

If the magically gifted children being abducted aren't wildlings, what are they?

Aristocrats are kidnapping magically gifted children and using them as weapons? Against whom? Are the aristocrats also the ones behind the demons being pulled from the abyss? Is that what they need the children for? What is the goal of the aristocrats?

In a world where demons are being ripped from the abyss against their will, I wouldn't expect them to also be running casinos.

Why doesn't the demonic auditor suggest that Mia team up with him instead of telling her she has seven days to fix things on her own or else?

How does Mia know this new guy is a wildling? Can you tell by looking at someone that he/she is a wildling?

The story isn't presented with enough clarity. Talk to us like we're idiots incapable of understanding anything that isn't explained with baby steps.

New Beginning 977

Guido Marionetti sauntered through the Piscataway fish market, searching for inspiration.  He paused at a tray of flounders, their flattened bodies nestled in crushed ice, eyes staring skyward.  The creatures at the fish market often sparked Guido’s sadistic creativity, and Guido wanted something exceptional for his next target.  Killing Big Nose Narducci wasn’t just another job.

Tourists at nearby picnic tables swung wooden mallets, smashing boiled crabs to expose the tender flesh within.  Guido watched for a moment, then moved to a display of octopi.  The boneless tangle of limbs and limp bodies made Guido smile.  He purchased a crab mallet and a bottle of pickled octopus before climbing into his Escalade and hitting the turnpike.

Guido was known for the gifts he sent to his soon-to-be-victims.  Like the two dozen oysters—clearly dead and no good for eating—left on Sal Fiorellli’s front steps in a be-ribboned gift basket.  When Sal went missing, a search of the family yacht found a large cement sphere dangling off the bow, the remains of Sal inside, a pearl necklace twined around his neck.  Nice touch, those pearls. But that was yesterday’s news.

Today's news? An oceanload of vengeful octopi moms threw themselves at Guido's face and suffocated him to death for murdering their children.

Then they cooked a feast of spaghetti bolognaise for all the other distraught seafolk but accidentally became part of their own menu thanks to a miracle of form over substance.

"Hell," said Guido's sister. "Worstest I evah thought of my bro wuz he had zits and yeh once he step on mah hampster but hell fuck him the bitch for messin' with the whole o' mankind ocean kinda thang cos like the trees we depend on them ole tentacle crustacean suckers for all the Lord's oxygen plus the cheat he owe me ten dollar." 


Opening: IMHO.....Continuation: Whirlochre

Face-Lift 1085

Guess the Plot

The Buried Life

1. Zombie mummy cats chase zombie mummy mice in Tutankhamen's tomb after an earthquake releases a spell from a sealed vase. Plus, a hapless archaeologist.

2. A new cereal killer is on the loose, but Detective Martinez lacks the proof he needs to arrest prime suspect Count Chocula. Then he discovers ... the Buried Life.

3. Molly the mole is worried. There were enough predators out there even before all the humans became zombies. Because zombies are slow, they've taken to digging up prey. So Molly is building an army of moles to bash the zombie heads and make Earth safe for mole-kind.

4. Ezra McCabre awakens in a closed coffin. Follow his reflections over the course of several hours as he wonders whether he's the victim of a practical joke or something much worse.

5. It's love at first sight when Republican Veep candidate Mike and Democrat rookie Senator Michael lock eyes across the debate room. But once in office and Michael could be the key swing vote to prevent Mike bombing Lenyaland - home of Michael's beloved Noni - how much can stay buried?

6. When the rich and famous are getting murdered in an underground city, it's up to laundress and amateur sleuth Jane Lin to infiltrate their ranks and expose a killer before the city is ripped apart. Also, a useless police inspector.

7. Wisping out in the ether, the cremated souls of wretches demand retribution for not being buried alive. But what goodly souls exist to resurrect them before wielding the shovel?


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

When Inspector Liesl Malone investigates the murder of a historian, the only thing more difficult to unravel than the crime is the red tape. Not that she's surprised; only a few dozen men and women in her city are allowed to study the past. [I don't get the connection between few people being allowed to study the past and Liesl's lack of surprise that there's a lot of red tape. Doesn't it sound like something's missing from this conversation:

Captain: You've caught a murder case.

Liesl: Who's the victim?

Captain: Some historian.

Liesl: Shit. I'm gonna be drowning in red tape.

Captain: Why's that?

Liesl: Because only a few dozen men and women in this city are allowed to study the past.]

[Maybe the opening should be: When one of the few historians in the underground city Recoletta is found murdered, the investigation rightly falls to Inspector Liesl Malone. So she is surprised when the ruling Council immediately throws her off the case. (If that's what happens next.)]

But she is surprised when Recoletta’s ruling Council throws her off the case. When the Council attempts to pacify the city with a military curfew. [I don't think "pacify" is the word you want. It suggests the people are demanding a military curfew and the Council is placating them. You could try "curb" or "suppress" if you can follow up with "protests" or "rebellion." Otherwise I'd just say: When the Council imposes a military curfew.] When the rich and powerful keep dying. [This when, when, when annoys me. How about this:

When one of the few historians in the underground city Recoletta is found murdered, the investigation rightly falls to Inspector Liesl Malone. So she is surprised when the ruling Council immediately throws her off the case and imposes a military curfew.

As more rich and powerful people are murdered, Malone must choose between her duty to obey the Council and her responsibility to catch a killer. (If that's what her choice is.)]

Malone must choose between her duty to obey the Council and her responsibility to catch a murderer. She finds an unlikely ally in Jane Lin, a laundress who stumbles upon the body of a wealthy client. Jane is close to the elites and their secrets, and she’s alarmed enough by the plot she discovers [I knew she discovered a body; she also discovered the plot? Wouldn't it be better if Liesl discovered the plot? So far she hasn't done anything.] to volunteer to be Malone’s conduit to the inner circle. [Now the laundress is going under cover? Is the laundress the main character? I feel like the laundress is James Bond and Liesl is M.] Malone and Jane must stop the killer and unearth the Council’s deadly secrets

[Liesl: We must stop the killer and unearth the Council’s deadly secrets.

The Laundress: Okay, what's our plan?

Liesl: You stop the killer and unearth the Council’s deadly secrets while I monitor the situation.]

before politics and murder rip Recoletta apart.

THE BURIED LIFE is a mystery novel with speculative fiction elements complete at 92,000 words. I am working on a sequel.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,


Note to Evil Editor: The title refers to the setting (an underground city) and the secret discovery driving the murders (an ancient, buried library). [If the entire book is set underground, a buried library doesn't seem out-of-place. Is it buried under the buried city?] [Out of curiosity, what's on the surface?]


Notes

Note that I refer to your character as The Laundress, rather then Jane. I base this decision on such successful titles as The Artist, The Negotiator, The Client, The Rainmaker, and The Lorax. The Laundress will be the title of the movie after the screenwriters remove Liesl from the plot, so you may as well save them the trouble.

Now that we've shortened the first part, you may have room to hint at how this library is driving murders. And to make it sound like Liesl is somewhat useful.

Recoletta sounds like Rigoletto, Verdi's opera about a hunchbacked jester's love affair with a laundress. Coincidence?

FYI...

I'm not keeping Kickstarter at the top of the blog to annoy you; it's still there because there's nothing in the query queue and there are no openings waiting for continuations.

For those interested in the project book, I'm having them produced by a company called Blurb. (I recommend them for quality of workmanship if you're ever considering having a photobook made.) I've found their "Bookify" system for creating the book easier to work with than a couple other places I tried.

If you go to their pricing page you'll see that a 100-page 8 x 10 softcover photobook is $36.95, but that volume discounts can get the price down a bit, which is why I'm trying Kickstarter. To see if there's volume demand for what I'm pretty sure is the funniest book ever published. Hey, would I lie to you?

Face-Lift 1084

Guess the Plot

Angba the Orc

1. All she wants is to find out who she is as she comes of age in this great big world, but it's so hard to get by when your name is Angba Skullcrusher.

2. Banga was the first orc in the Orc Directory until Angba showed up. So Banga changed his name to Agnab. Then an orc named Abang moved into town, and the fighting hasn't stopped since.

3. Ace reporter Sam Finnian has the election story of a lifetime when he stumbles on Mitt Romney's college Dungeons and Dragons nickname and realizes it's an anagram for ABORT CHANGE. But he underestimates the lengths Romney will go to to keep his secret . . . including murder.

4. Angba the orc, raised in dank caverns, schooled by goblins, destined to be a soldier, dreams of life above-ground, far from the constant clanging of trolls' anvils. A computer glitch results in his acceptance to the University of Southern California where, initially shunned, he becomes the star of the football team. Also, lessons in tolerance and acceptance.

5. Angba is drafted by the Orc War Council for their war on the Elvin. But Angba only wants to care for his pet porcupines. Horgal, the chief war monger, orders Angba put to death. Then the great wizard and wereporcupine Pricphella comes to Angba's aid. Together they try to defeat Horgal and end the war before it annoys the porcupine community.

6. As the only orc in fifth grade at her elementary school, Angba is shunned by her fellow students. But when the animals at a nearby zoo escape and overrun the school, it's Angba who fights off gorillas and lions and rhinos.Will her classmates accept her now? They'd better!



Original Version


Here is my Nano query. I would really love input on this, especially regarding finding a title that doesn't sound like a picture book from Mordor.


Dear Evil Master and He Who Must Be Obeyed

A locked box. Letters in an archaic dialect. A silver medallion. When orc Angba Skullcrusher arrives in the desert outpost Fort Galbraith, that's all she has to answer her long-standing question: Who am I really, and why did this man Tallis sponsor my education? [Not clear whether she's arriving at the desert outpost to begin her education or after completing her education.] [About the letters: assuming they're letters from someone to someone, and not letters of the a,b,c variety, who are they from and to? Is dialect the right word, or should it be language?]

When she learns Tallis is dead and has named her as his only heir, her only hope for answering any of her questions lies in the far off orcish city of Grand Oasis. [You suggested that the locked box, letters and medallion might be the key to answering her questions. Were they a dead end? Does she unlock the box?] [Did she inherit the box/letters/medallion from Tallis? I had the impression she had them before she even learned Tallis was dead. If they aren't her inheritance, what did she inherit from Tallis?] [Also, "orcish" sounds like an adjective you'd apply to Sylvester Stallone, while a city or orcs would be "orcan." Then again, what do I know? The only role-playing games in my day were cowboys and Indians and doctor.] To reach it she'll need to brave treacherous Black Canyon, where thousands of dreams have gone to die. [It's the Hollywood of Orcdom.] With the help of orc ranger Sabel Mars and the scholarly orc Silver, she embarks on the journey that will determine how she sees her world--and her heart.

Set in a steampunk world inextricably entwined with legends of the infamous Black Canyon, Angba The Orc is a fantasy romance novel.

Thank you for your consideration.


Notes

Is this the Black Canyon on the Colorado River? I think it should be. There's still time to change it. Your plot should be a human family is whitewater rafting in the Black Canyon when suddenly they notice a raft full of orcs gaining on them. The title will be How Our Summer Vacation Was Ruined By Orcs. I see this as a million-selling middle grade book, and if you don't write it, I will.

Nothing seemed steampunkish about the world. If she's going to Grand Oasis in a motorized blimp, say so.

Possible titles: The Secret Life of Orcs, The Language of Orcs, Eat, Pray, Kill, How Angba Skullcrusher Got Her Groove, Orcsteam, Angba Skullcrusher and the Legend of Black Canyon, Orcs Are People Too, Lord of the Rings II: The Orcs' Tell Their Side, Angba Skullcrusher's Big Adventure, Angba Skullcrusher vs. Godzilla.

New Beginning 976

The Briscoe Prison van pulled up to the bus stop at the Shell station off Interstate 35, the West Texas sun hanging just past noon.

Joe Fane and the guard got out, the guard saying, "You got your ticket, your gate money, your parole certificate." He presented a clipboard. "Sign here." Joe signed.

The guard kept up his chatter: "You get to Houston, you check in with your PO. Twenty-four hours, understood?"

Joe understood.

"Else your name goes on the fugitive list."

Traffic rushed by on the interstate. Joe squinted across the desiccated prairie toward Laredo, eighty miles to the southwest. He pictured the bridge there, the border. Cross over, hitchhike to the coast. Sign on with a boat crew and beach himself on a Caribbean island. Charley Shyler would never find him.

"One more thing--don't blow your money on pussy." The guard tossed his clipboard into the van. "You got family there?"

"Not anymore."

"That's not good. What about friends?"

Joe shrugged. "Guess I'll find out.

The bus hove into view, exiting the interstate onto the service road and up an incline. It lumbered onto the shoulder and stopped, brakes exhaling. The passenger door whooshed open. The driver appeared. "Ticket."

Joe handed it up, waiting as the driver rifled through the flimsy sheets, tearing out parts.

"San Antone through to Houston, one way."

Joe boarded the bus.

The guard called after, "Six months, Joe. That's all you gotta do. Don't fuck it up."

The guard sighed in chorus with the closing door. Another one ready to venture out on his own. But he knew the odds were not in Joe's favor.

He waved at the receding bus, unsure whether Fane could see him, or even cared to look. Maybe for the best they didn't get too attached, anyway.

"Go, my friend, run. Be free. Be free."

Barely had the bus trundled back on to the highway ramp, when a giant hawk swooped out of the sky and grabbed the vehicle in its sharp talons.

"Noooo! Not again!" The guard's heart fell. Why was it always so difficult, so risky, to release them back into the wild?


Opening: jcwriter.....Continuation: anon.

Face-Lift 1083

Guess the Plot

Texas Tango

1. Most places in the world it takes two to Tango, but here in Texas -- it takes three.

2. The year: 1870. The city: Death Gulch, Texas, home of the infamous dance duel. Alphonse the Kid has shot 24 men across the Wild West. But is he tough enough to survive the . . . Texas Tango?

3. Released after five years in a Texas prison, Joe Fane just wants to get on with his life. But first he needs transportation, so he car-jacks an SUV, which happens to contain an Uzi and two dozen gold bars. He probably should fence the gold and live like a king, but instead he uses it to frame his hated father-in-law for theft. It's a "priorities" thing.

4. When sultry Latina dancer Muriel Fuego is accused of murdering her manager, crack homicide detective Zack Martinez knows two things: the Texas Two-Step is for squares, and he’s got to get some of those jazzy dance shoes with the pointy toes and built-up heels.

5. It's Brokeback Mountain meets Strictly Ballroom when two gunslingers meet their destinies, not to the sound of blazing six-guns on the streets of Laredo, but to the strains of an Argentine tango in the Longbranch Saloon. Also, a transvestite ivory-tickler.

6. There are so many Texans on death row they have to execute them two at a time, which is how the long walk to the execution chamber has come to be called the Texas tango. But when ballroom instructor Melina Kerchenko and her student/lover Bob Lucas are sentenced for murdering Bob's wife, they literally tango to their deaths.



Original Version

Dear E-Squared:

After five years in state prison, Joe Fane returns to Houston to serve a six-month parole. Divorced, broke, and jobless, he moves into a halfway house--hardly the lifestyle he enjoyed as son-in-law to rogue banker Charley Shyler. [Change his name to Charley Shyster.] All Joe wants is to do his time and move on.

Charley himself avoided prison only because Joe took a fall. Now, paranoid that his former protege knows too much, Charley takes Joe on a midnight ride, presenting him with a choice: reaffirm his loyalty by making a contract hit, or else. [Spending five years in prison without talking doesn't show he's loyal, but killing some stranger does?] But Joe is no killer; seizing an unguarded moment, he breaks free, [Breaks free of what?] carjacks an SUV, [Where is this midnight ride, downtown Houston?] and escapes. When he abandons the vehicle, he discovers a loaded Uzi and two dozen gold bars. [Most people abandoning a vehicle they car-jacked wouldn't hang around searching it on the off chance that there are gold bars in the trunk or under the passenger seat.]

Joe is elated, then dubious. Is the gold stolen?--probably. Can he fence it?--not quickly. Without certificates of assay, complications would arise. [My admittedly limited research reveals that certificates of assay are rarely provided or expected, especially not with bars big enough to be worth two million dollars per two dozen.] Word would leak out, Charley would hear. And what about the guy Joe car-jacked? [Maybe he was just delivering the gold bars to someone who ordered them online.] [Possible subplot: a guy's boss tells him to hire an armored truck to transport two dozen gold bars across town. But the guy thinks, Hey, I'll drive them over myself, after work, and pocket the armored truck fee. So he's driving across town in his SUV at midnight with the gold bars in a grocery bag, and as he's eating a Taco Bell Volcano Burrito at a red light, suddenly a guy jumps out of the car next to him and pulls him out of his SUV and takes off. So now he's standing there with beans and sauce all over his shirt, wondering how he's gonna explain to his boss that he lost the gold bars.] [It suddenly occurs to me that this guy's story is far more interesting than Joe's story. Can we make Joe the subplot?]

Instead of peddling the gold, Joe plays on Charley's greed. He enlists Molly Teague--an old flame--to pitch a phony land deal, conning Charley into holding the gold as collateral for a two-million-dollar loan. [If you'll lend me two million dollars to buy a plot of land, I'll let you hold onto these gold bars for which I have no proof of ownership and which I don't want to use to buy the land.] Once the money is wired to an offshore account, Joe and Molly will go their separate ways--

--and Joe will tip the FBI to the illicit treasure sitting in Charley's bank. [If I'm Molly, I'm not going my separate way unless that was my offshore account the money went to.] So long, Charley. [If Charley accepts the gold as collateral on a loan, wouldn't the FBI be more interested in the borrower than the lender?]

It almost works.

TEXAS TANGO is an 82,000-word crime novel. Thank you for your time.

Yours truly,


Notes

Is the person Joe is supposed to kill in the car with him and Charley? If not, why does he need to escape? He could just say, Okay, I'll kill whoever, and then disappear.

Does Joe have a gun when he steals the SUV? Because it seems to me the guy driving around with stolen gold bars is more likely to be armed than the guy on parole.

Many of my annoying questions undoubtedly are easily answered. You don't need to answer them in the query, but if you can answer a couple and eliminate whatever inspired a couple, it will seem less preposterous. 

 

Trick or Treat

Campfire I

The Costume Shop

Campfire II

The Mysterious Shop

Bibliomancer

Face-Lift 1082

Guess the Plot

The Wanderer and the Wyvern

1. Phoebus the vampire would have an easier time wiping out his former clan if he had an ally who was a wivern. Unfortunately, he turned the only wivern in town into a human. And then fell in love with him. Maybe they should just move to Manitoba together and get married.

2. He wanders the villages of East Umbria, riding upon his shoulder the last living wyvern in the Northern Realm. Those who would blaspheme the Lord of West Onyx tremble before his approach, many fleeing to the Southern Reaches, or maybe Palm Beach, depending on the season.

3. After twenty years of marriage to a nagging, passive-aggressive woman, Vern hits the road searching for happiness. Yet he cannot escape. A tiny black bird with his wife's voice and overdone make-up haunts his nights, endlessly asking: "why, Vern?"

4. Kakafonius is an itinerant bard. Dulce is a mauve and green were-wyvern, who can transform at will. Together they deliver tales of love, ambition, glory and deception as they ride united across the Kingdom.

5. Jack Schultz sets out to hitchhike across the United States. The first ride he gets is from a wyvern. As the two fly over the Great Plains, the Rockies, and the southwestern deserts, they debate serious philosophical questions.

6. Dr Marian Jacobs has finally found her Holy Grail: a pristine copy of the 13th C romance, "The Wanderer and the Wyvern". Unfortunately her long-term department rival, Dr Jason Reynolds, has also spotted the manuscript. Should she seduce him--or shoot him? Also, tenure.



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Phoebus and Abatis are not your typical heroes. They're the ones you would usually find terrorizing villagers or taking over the world. [But with kindness.]

Phoebus has managed to capture Abatis, the legendary dragon. He hopes the creature will aid him in his conquest against [Conquest of or battle against.] his former clan, the Demon Whisperers; a formidable group of vampires that make pacts with the demons of Hell in exchange for dark powers of their own. [Do they whisper when making these pacts with demons? I ask because I've never thought of demons as the type who like it nice and quiet.] [Also, I'd go with a comma or a dash or a colon rather than a semicolon.] Though, instead of just asking for his help, Phoebus has turned the dragon human. [Big mistake. A dragon's power rating is much higher than a human's when it comes to fighting vampires.]

Having to deal with this resentful and foul-mouthed servant, Phoebus tries his best to keep things as professional as he can with a whip in his hand. This becomes difficult when his own demon, the flamboyant Gwynfor, continually insists on interfering and making things more intimate. [Things? What things? Is it Phoebus and his servant or Phoebus and his demon who are intimate?] There isn't much the vampire can do against the demon, lest he wishes for [without effecting/inviting] his own death. Or worse. So he goes along with it, and eventually the two [Which two?] begin to form a much closer bond. A bond Gwynfor intends to take full advantage of.

Just as things [There's that word again.] between Phoebus and Abatis have become nice and comfortable, Gwynfor comes to the vampire with the news that his new lover will be his downfall. That his goal to destroy his former clan has been greatly compromised by their relationship. [When a demon comes to you with "news," is it a good idea to base important decisions on that news? Is it a good idea to even believe him?]

Now the proud Phoebus must make a choice. Either one that will keep him from his victory over the Demon Whisperers. Or one that could not only endanger his own life, but the life of Abatis as well. [Apparently you're saying the choice to stick with Abatis means the clan win. From which I infer that dumping Abatis means the clan loses (though I'm not sure how that can be known; if Phoebus ends his relationship with Abatis, does he fight the clan alone or does Abatis fight with him?). You're also saying dumping Abatis endangers Phoebus and Abatis. From which I infer that not dumping Abatis keeps them safe. But if dumping Abatis means fighting the clan in an epic battle, I don't see how they can be assumed safe. Nor is it clear what endangers them if they stay together and move to Manitoba.

It sounds like P and A are pretty much through whether the Whisperers are defeated or not. So the obvious choice is to defeat them. Maybe. I need a chart to make this clear.

Stick with Abatis..............Dump Abatis
     Clan wins ..................  Clan loses?
  A and P safe?............A and P endangered.
     
That didn't help. The sentence (not three sentences) should be: Now the proud Phoebus must make a choice: victory over the Demon Whisperers, or his friendship/bond/fling/romance with Abatis. At least that's a choice. Is it the choice in the book?]

THE WANDERER AND THE WYVERN (137,111 words) is a co-authored erotic fantasy, where the point of view switches between both Phoebus and Abatis. [No need for the word "both," as it's implied by the word "between."] [And it's unlikely the reader will care whose POV the story is told from, anyway.]

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,


((P.S. I know the word count is HUGE. I am working on that. A lot. There's still a good amount to do editing-wise to my MS, but I figured I'd start on the query to help keep me motivated.))


Notes

In my opinion you must tell us why Phoebus is out to destroy his former clan. What does he gain from victory that might make it worth giving up Abatis?

How can one normal vampire defeat a whole clan of vampires who've acquired new dark powers? If only his one ally were still a dragon instead of a puny human.

Is Phoebus the wanderer? I would assume he hangs out where his clan is, plotting their demise. Where does he wander to?

Face-Lift 1081

Guess the Plot

Soul Birds

1. Dulled by midlife failures, Homer and Bernice Byrd change their name and become a singing duo. They achieve unexpected fame and fortune, but in the end realize that they were happier when they were nobodies.

2. Each of us is accompanied, from birth to death, by a soul bird that sits on our shoulder, makes sarcastic cracks about us to all the other soul birds, and occasionally takes a crap on our Sunday best. That's about it, really.

3. Often seen as a bad racist joke, the crows from Dumbo have decided to make a comeback, and this time they're out for revenge. Known as the dreaded Soul Birds, this band of buddies will live up to their name as a murder of crows to regain their honor.

4. Okay, they aren't really birds, they're more like butterflies. People use them to send prayers to the gods. It's a pretty cool idea, but lately the system isn't working like it's supposed to, so as usual it's up to one unqualified female to step in and prevent an apocalyptic war.

5. When the dismembered body of former Laker Jeremiah Smitts is discovered in the speakers of his jazz club Soul Birds, homicide detective Zack Martinez knows two things. One, cutting up a body that big had to leave a mess somewhere, and two, he'd better wear his Dwight Howard jersey if he wants them to beat the Trailblazers tomorrow night.

6. When people die, their souls enter the bodies of birds, where they can soar to the heavens. Except for people who've been bad; their souls enter flightless birds, like ostriches and penguins. That's the belief system that has evolved on Earth by the twenty-fourth century. The plot is basically the war between flightless birds and the humans who want to eradicate them.



Original Version

Dear EE,

When Adwen attempts to permeate the home of a waiting girl she is forced away and lands on the sidewalk, momentarily powerless. [For starters, it's not clear whether "she" is Adwen or the waiting girl. By which I mean it's clear you mean Adwen, but "she" should refer to the most recently mentioned female singular entity.] [Also, "waiting girl"? Is that a waitress? Or a lady-in-waiting? Or just a girl who's waiting for something? If the latter, is she waiting for Adwen? If not, what is she waiting for, and if that's irrelevant, why call her a waiting girl?]

Adwen is the Corpreal of physical love and fertility. [The what? I, like Google, assume you misspelled "corporeal." If you made up the word, I recommend not using it in the query. Even if it's inaccurate, use "embodiment" or "goddess" or capitalize a known word like Minister, Custodian, Big Enchilada.] It is her duty to enter the rooms and fantasies of Thea's youth to awaken their sexual desires. [Ah, to have lived in a land where, as a teenage boy, I could look forward to the night Adwen permeated my house and awakened my sexual desires. One question: is she more like Betty or Veronica?] The God of All Things made it so when first man looked at first woman with lust in his eyes and first woman responded with a blush and a smile [and a can of mace].

Confused and scared she rushes to the home of her keeper, Brula, a woman whose magical knowledge is centuries old. [Her keeper? Wait, is this place a zoo?]

Brula discovered a force that can compete with the God of All Things and someone is selling it to the humans. Brula thinks this new power is coming from The Fringe and Adwen should investigate. [Since when do Corpreals investigate anything? That's like if a powerful force were disrupting life as we know it on Earth, and we assigned the investigation to Kim Kardashian. Why doesn't the God of All Things send in a diplomat or a SEAL team or just make The Fringe evaporate? ] 

The Fringe is a desolate place, devoid of magic. [Think Manitoba.] The people live there to escape the rule of the God of All Things and they don't welcome intruders, especially divine ones. Adwen's magic won't work and she won't be able to protect herself from their wrath. [So she has magical powers besides that of awakening sexual desires in youth?]
  
If Adwen chooses to go, she will be stripped of her powers but if she chooses not to, a war between humans and gods could erupt. [Are you declaring that if she chooses to go, the war won't erupt? Why is war any less likely to erupt if a powerless, unwelcome Corpreal enters The Fringe?] The God of All Things won't turn a blind eye to other forms of magic for long. 

SOUL BIRDS is 80,000 words and is my first novel to see more then just the hard drive on my old laptop. [This one has seen the hard drive on my new laptop.] Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,


[Note from author to EE: The title comes from butterfly like creatures the gods and goddesses of Thea use to send messages to one another. When they land on someone the person is filled with a vision of the messenger. The soul birds are also used by humans to send prayers to the gods.]


Notes

Is this Fringe the same place as on the TV show, The Fringe?

Why would anyone suspect that the power great enough to compete with the God of All Things is coming from Manitoba?

What is Thea? A planet? Heaven? A place on Earth? These humans buying the powerful force: are they from Earth?

You spend so much time explaining what stuff like Corpreals and The Fringe are, there's not enough room to tell the story.

Your setup seems to be: When humans acquire power that can compete with the God of All Things, war seems inevitable. It's up to Adwen, the goddess of fertility, to find out how the humans are getting their power, and to prevent the war. But to do so, she'll have to enter the bleakest place on the planet, Manitoba, where no fertility goddess has ever been welcome.  That leaves plenty of room to tell us what she discovers in Manitoba and what she plans to do about it, and who wants to stop her.

Face-Lift 1080

Guess the Plot

High Noons

1. When Curly the Cross-eyed Cowboy gets called out for a gunfight in the middle of the day, he wonders if it might not be the last high noons he'll ever see.

2. Vampires decide they'll never be treated with respect on Earth, and head for the stars in a space ark. Unfortunately, when they finally find a habitable planet, it has four suns, and nighttime lasts about twenty minutes a year.

3. A gunslinger pulls his trigger at high noon and is sucked through a time vortex into the past. Shooting at a dinosaur the next noon sends him into the far future. Will he ever get back home? Does he even want to, knowing he may not have survived the duel?

4. The Noons lived at the end of the cul-de-sac. Some people said they were crazy - others claimed they were just inbred hicks. But Megan knew the truth. After all, she'd been delivering their weekly package of medical grade marijuana for years, which had just been declared illegal under L.A. law. Now people would find out what the Noons were really like.

5. High Noons-- Memoir of a schoolyard drug pusher who was also a ninth grade algebra teacher.

6. Dosequis-24 is a circumbinary planet--one that revolves around two stars. The discovery of priceless elements attracts competing mining companies, and brings greed and corruption to the provincial government. When a new Overseer of Mines with a mysterious past jets into town, it's a showdown between good and evil -- at High Noons.


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

When the world political stage gets too hot for the undead, they commission a space ark and head out of the solar system to find a new home to rule. Who needs cryostasis to travel between the stars when you have immortality? Who needs genetic diversity if all your human servants are mostly food? But the course of true power never did run smooth--the real rhetorical question is: How well can vampires fare on a world with four suns?

A subtle melange reminiscent of Meyer's Twilight, Buchheim's Das Boot, and Colbert's I Am America (And so Can You!), none of which the author has read, High Noons is sure to annoy fans of all types and ages. But at least it will appeal to an audience niche of space-faring vampires. Maybe. If the plot didn't annoy them too. And it would appeal to vampires' stocks of home-grown "sheeple" for sure, but I don't think they can still read, so maybe they don't count either. C'est la morte....

The entire very rough 50,000 word first draft will be complete by Dec 1st. Although I've got my synopsis online so that any rogue literary agents and acquisition editors out there scouring the NaNoWriMo site for the next New York Times best seller can grab this gem of a book, I'd like to offer you the opportunity to grab it first! Otherwise you'll just have to wait for the bidding war after I've made a gazillion off of the self-published eBook sales.

In all humility,

Soon-to-be-rich-and-famous Author


Notes

Obviously someone answered the call to think about their NaNoWriMo project in advance so that the Evil Minions could steer them in the right direction.

Face-Lift 1079

Guess the Plot

The Kings of Aelfren

1. The queens of Nerflea have an unusual hobby - luring their lovers into the secret room behind the mirror and biting off the heads of the men who would dare to woo them. But when those men behind the mirror grow new heads and begin to form an alliance, the queens are in for the fight of their lives. Also, a didactic alligator.

2. Forget primogeniture, the tradition in Aelfren is for omnigeniture, in which all the king's sons become kings themselves. Within ten generations, there are more kings than peasants in Aelfren, and with a far greater sense of entitlement. Let the regicide games begin!

3. A sweeping family saga. Over the course of 300 years, from the days of the Puritans to the Watergate scandal, the King family of Aelfren, New Hampshire, occasionally thinks of doing something or going somewhere but invariably changes its mind.

4. Mitch and Lee were finally going head to head in the match of the century. Althea was the hostess with the mostest, and she made flags with each of the competitors' crests. She loved them both, but she couldn't let them know that fact. With the fate of modern knighthood in her fragile hands, would she finally find her knight in shining armor, or would they both turn out to be university prats?

5. Accused of killing the king of Aelfren, Dunstan of Abrotanum is on the run. Will the new king of Aelfren hunt him down before Dunstan can clear his name and regain his own throne and find out who framed him and take his revenge and save his childhood sweetheart?

6. Okay, it's complicated. Aelfren has two kings, one of whom occupies the throne when Aelfren is at war, and one who occupies the throne when it isn't. The system has worked for centuries, but King Chelron is beginning to suspect that King Lesther is prolonging the war in order to keep the throne. Does a peacetime king have the guts to start a civil war with a warrior king?

Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Dunstan of Abrotanum used to be a prince. Now he is a fugitive, accused of murdering good King Balther of Aelfren. Dunstan is innocent, but his only proof is that someone tried to murder him as well – [If only he had an alibi, like he was in bed with a princess the night of the murder.] and since he fled to escape his assassin, even Dunstan must admit he looks guilty.

In a war-torn empire of quarreling city-states where the three remaining kings play against each other at every turn, Dunstan must find out who is friend and foe – for someone he once trusted is trying to kill him. Is it his fellow prince and childhood friend who seeks more power of his own? [No. It's never the first person on the list of suspects.] Is it his old mentor who struggles to keep the realm together after Balther’s death? [That guy wouldn't hurt a fly.] Is it the cunning princess he accidentally slept with the night of the murder? [Accidentally?

Princess: Was it good for you?

Dunstan: Was what good for-- WTF?!]

Surprisingly, the only person he knows didn’t try to kill him is the one who has every right to want him dead: his traveling companion Kevoca, a warrior maiden whose people have been butchered for centuries by the warriors and kings of Aelfren and who vows to protect him after Dunstan saves her life. [This makes it sound like Dunstan's people have been the butchers, but Dunstan is Abrotanumian and the butchers are Aelfrenians. I know this from the first paragraph, which states that Dunstan of Abrotanum is accused of murdering Balther of Aelfren.]

[Kevoca: I know your people have been butchering my people for centuries, but if you let me be your traveling companion, I'll protect you.

Dunstan: Okay.]

With Kevoca by his side to keep his noble head on his shoulders, Dunstan has three goals. First, clear his name and regain his rightful throne. Second, save Orora, his childhood sweetheart, the daughter of King Balther. [From what?]  Third, find out who framed him and take his revenge – even if it means killing a few kings along the way. [That was five goals. Six if I include killing a few kings.]

THE KINGS OF AELFREN is fantasy, aimed at the crossover between YA and adult. It is my first novel.

Thank you for your consideration.

Notes

Is Aelfren the name of the empire, and the three kings are kings of countries within the empire? Or does the "Kings" in the title refer to past and present kings of one country within the empire?

What's this about Dunstan regaining his rightful throne? What throne is rightfully his? Abrotanum's? Does Abrotanum have a king?

Is any story set in a fictional place considered a fantasy these days? I think of a fantasy as featuring something fantastical: wizards/sorcerers/magic or dragons/monsters or vampires/gods/weredingoes. Does this book have a supernatural aspect?

Is Dunstan aware that Kevoca is the only woman he can be happy with, or does he think Orora is his true love? Orora's the one who tried to kill him. She was hiding in his closet, planning to surprise him the night he "accidentally" slept with the cunning princess.

Evil Editor's rule for those who insist on making lists: no more than one list per query, no more than three items on the list. You can condense the Goals paragraph down to: With Kevoca by his side to keep his noble head on his shoulders, Dunstan vows to clear his name and regain his rightful throne – even if it means killing a few kings along the way.

New Beginning 975

“I should let you starve.”

Old Tom grinned at me from his pallet on the floor. “The Guild wouldn’t much approve of that. You’re still my apprentice.” He raised the bandaged stump of his right leg and pushed himself to a sitting position. A sheen of sweat covered his face and torso.

“And if you die while I’m out foraging?” I asked.

“Then you won’t have to starve me. And don’t be an ass. I’m trapped in the city now, but I’m a Master Forager. I can survive for weeks with just water, even in this miserable place.”

I doubted he’d survive another month, with or without water. Tom had melanoma. The forager’s curse. The result of a lifetime spent outside Atlanta’s walls, away from the shade of buildings and towering solar panels. Black growths mottled his chest and arms.

“I saved the best for last,” he said, holding out a small wooden box bound with rawhide. “It’s for the Marsh Clan. Worth at least thirty pounds of salt meat.” The box rattled like pebbles in a dried gourd.

“When you return, we’ll talk more,” Tom said.

“So you haven’t told me everything.”

“So sue me.”

Once outside the door, I opened the box.

It was filled with acorns, just like I'd expected. Just like those black growths on Tom's chest were probably ticks and leeches, not melanoma. I was used to, and tired of, the exaggerations of my elders.

I got it. They had to feel important. There wasn't enough to feel important about these days. But come on. "Master Forager"? Capitalized? Christ.


Opening: Anon......Continuation: Lisa Hurley

Evil Editor's New Project

During this alarmingly lengthy lull in query and opening submissions, I put my free time into creating new Evil Editor Comic Strips. I then went to a photobook-creating site and had them print a 100-page collection that includes about 160 comic strips. Basically, because I wanted it. Over the years I've bought collections of The Far Side, Dilbert, Calvin and Hobbes, Doonesbury, Bloom County, The Fusco Brothers and many more. Now I have added the Evil Editor book of comic strips, to my collection of collections.

I asked myself if I should be the only person in the world who owns this book. It is, after all, funnier than 99% of the comic strips that appear in newspapers these days, and why shouldn't every comic strip fan have a chance to get it? Sure, I could post the strips on the blog every day, but they come out small, and while clicking on them supposedly enlarges them, that wasn't working for everyone. The book is 9.5 by 8 inches, so the strips are nice and big, allowing readers to appreciate the artistic talents of whoever invented the various paint programs I use.

Because the book is printed on thick photo paper, and in full color throughout, it is expensive, by which I mean not cheap. Like about $35 and I'm guessing about $5 to mail it. That's more than most of my minions will spend on anything other than their Starbucks addictions and the new keyboards they buy to replace the ones they claim to spew their Starbucks addictions onto on a weekly basis.

I can lower the price by buying in volume, but if I order 100 copies and five people buy it, I have 95 books to store. So now I'm considering a Kickstarter project. This is a way an artistic endeavor can get funding from people who are fans of what the "artist" does. I post a description of the project, some sample strips, a list of rewards comic strip fans can get at various levels of backing, and a financial goal. If enough people back the project to meet the goal, I can order the books in volume. If the goal is not met, the backers don't pay anything. If the goal is exceeded, some of the extra money would be used to print extra copies, as the book itself would be one of the main rewards, but it could also be used to make the book a hardback without having to raise the price.

Success Story

Amara Royce reports:

I haven't been an active Evil Minion for a while now.  Back then, I used a different name than I'm using now. (I'm quite proud to say I was even included in a couple of your Evil Editor books.)

While I didn't submit my newest work to your blog for vivisection, I've learned a great deal from you over the years that's shaped my writing significantly.  I recently obtained representation by Jessica Alvarez of BookEnds, LLC, and a two-book ebook deal with eKensington (Kensington Publishing's digital-first imprint) for two Victorian historical romances set in and around the Great Exhibition of 1851. What I've learned from you and the minions about writing queries, about starting your story in the right spot, about making every word matter--all of that has helped get me to where I am now.

So thank you very much! I hope you are doing well, and I hope the Evil Editor blog continues to flourish.


And we hope that you'll send us the openings of your ebooks as soon as they're written.