Caption: Anon.Your caption on the next cartoon! Link in sidebar.
Why you don't get published.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Monday, December 14, 2009
Zombies!
The 4th Annual Zombie Guess the Plot Quiz
Every year zombies make appearances in fake plots. But this year, four of the following turned out to be the actual plots of minions' novels. Which four?
1. Panic sets in at Glitzy Gloria's Hair and Nails Emporium when all of Tuesday morning's ladies turn up with pasty white complexions and a taste for brains.
2. Murdered by aliens they ruled over ruthlessly, Captain Sabine and the Emperor have come back to life! It's revenge time, but can two zombies wipe out an entire alien fleet?
3. When her parents quit their jobs and move the family to Tennessee, Cami ends up with a summer job putting abnormally intelligent zombies back into their graves. Talk about your dead-end jobs.
4. When Lucy Contreras realizes Fernando is watching TV not because he really likes animal shows, but because he's actually dead, she invites her girlfriends to come over and celebrate. Upon discovering that he can still move about and obey simple commands, they send the monster out to rob a bank. Hilarity ensues.
5. As Guppy Tweed, the neighborhood pot dealer, makes his rounds, he notices all the cats on Mrs. Finch's porch staring at him with giant glowing red eyeballs. Is he having one of his hallucinations? Or has he discovered the secret hideout of the witches who keep Ferndale safe from zombies? Plus, a psychic albino watchmaker and his dog.
6. Dr. Jane Sarah's sweetbreads program is helping Seth maintain normalcy, and so is the personalized "therapy" Dr. Sarah administers, but when his primary physician gives up the ghost and his deli goes belly-up Seth reverts to type and starts eating live brains. Will Dr. Sarah's special brand of tough love work on a Zombie?
7. How will we communicate after the Zombie Apocalypse? Everyone laughed at Gerald Kilpatrick for keeping the presses from the last days of the New York Times, but with Zombies on the prowl no one's laughing now.
8. Her nickname: Hound. Her occupation: zombie poacher. But on this futuristic Earth, zombies aren't killed; they're captured and pitted against each other in gladiatorial combat. When Hound gets bitten by a zombie, will she lose her humanity and be forced to fight other zombies for the entertainment of the rabble?
9. Bored with her unfulfilling job as a bard, Ehlana seeks answers from a barbarian priestess who tells her she is the chosen one who will save the world. Immediately she decides to seek different answers, but not before an army of zombies destroys the city.
10. Gelsey's an ambitious young ad executive with a credit stealing boss, a sassy back-talking best friend, and a cute but mysteriously shy handyman who just may be the face of her next campaign. Oh, did I mention they're all dead?
11. Joe Bob, necromancer, runs a small business selling undead slaves. When one of his subjects comes back to life instead of un-life, he needs to find the non-corpse to prove he's not responsible before zealots, grieving families and a pantheon of demigods turn him into one of his usual subjects.
12. You will need:
- shovel
- car battery
- jump leads
- copy of Necronomicon
- air freshener (optional)
13. A chocolate poodle, a sloshed (slushed?) editor, and an irrepressible writer all need a plot. What else do these have in common? The Bermuda Triangle! Also, a pilot who finds the land after time -- with zombies, intelligent goo and aliens instead of dinosaurs.
14. Professor Henchly has a theory about the brainless dolts in Economics 101. He decides not to tell Dean Rodafescu the university has a serious problem, and tries to proactively solve the problem with a spray can of insecticide, but his theory is wrong and everything goes horribly awry.
15. Gilhad, Prince of Numea, wants nothing more than to marry the lovely Ernilda and unite his war-torn land -- but when Broh, the last Prince, rises from the grave and seeks out Ernilda for his zombie bride, Gilhad must raise his own army of the undead or lose his love forever.
Answers below
Late to the party? The other zombie guess the plot quizzes may be accessed by clicking on the label at the bottom of the post.
Answers
The real plots were numbers
2, 3, 8 and 9.
New Beginning 712
There is something magical about being this drunk in the middle of winter. It is freezing cold by the side of the road, but I feel giddy and warm.
I have a nagging feeling that something is missing, and that maybe I’ve left something in the car. Where is the car anyway? Didn’t they say they would come back for me soon? I walk a few feet to get my blood flowing again. I giggle hysterically when I almost trip, because my stiletto heel hooks between my toes and gets stuck in my pantyhose. I rip a ladder in the silk material while trying to balance on one foot. Then I plunge backwards onto the asphalt. Luckily my coat is thick enough to break the fall.
Sitting in silence for a moment, I look up at the morning sky hanging over the quiet forest road. Some careful rays of sunlight are playing with the ice hanging from the branches of a moosewood tree. The sensation of the clear, crisp air in my lungs brings tears to my eyes. It is beautiful out here.
I wonder where I am.
Then I see the woman striding toward me. Wait . . . that's no woman, that's my wife. I try to rise but my head spins, and I simply cannot run in these stilettos. I'm giggling hysterically again, for no good reason.
All at once I remember where the car is, and what happened to it. And another realization hits me--just before the seven iron--she may forgive my dalliances, but she does not like me wearing her clothes.
Opening: Nicolette.....Continuation: jrmosher
I have a nagging feeling that something is missing, and that maybe I’ve left something in the car. Where is the car anyway? Didn’t they say they would come back for me soon? I walk a few feet to get my blood flowing again. I giggle hysterically when I almost trip, because my stiletto heel hooks between my toes and gets stuck in my pantyhose. I rip a ladder in the silk material while trying to balance on one foot. Then I plunge backwards onto the asphalt. Luckily my coat is thick enough to break the fall.
Sitting in silence for a moment, I look up at the morning sky hanging over the quiet forest road. Some careful rays of sunlight are playing with the ice hanging from the branches of a moosewood tree. The sensation of the clear, crisp air in my lungs brings tears to my eyes. It is beautiful out here.
I wonder where I am.
Then I see the woman striding toward me. Wait . . . that's no woman, that's my wife. I try to rise but my head spins, and I simply cannot run in these stilettos. I'm giggling hysterically again, for no good reason.
All at once I remember where the car is, and what happened to it. And another realization hits me--just before the seven iron--she may forgive my dalliances, but she does not like me wearing her clothes.
Opening: Nicolette.....Continuation: jrmosher
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Friday, December 11, 2009
Face-Lift 707
Guess the Plot
The Crystal Blade
1. For generations the warlike Karshai clan have pillaged and plundered their neighbors, armed with their dazzling crystal weapons. Until one day their rival clan invents steel . . .
2. By day she's Sally Jones, secretary of Ned Doorong, the CEO of Heinous Industries, a cartel selling heroin to fund the environment-destroying condo towers it builds for billionaires on artificial islands in the tropics. By night, she's Crystal Blade, the superhero who will bring this evil to an end -- if only she can get over her dyslexia and learn to trust Anton Wright, the dashing superspy from MI6.
3. When Tina fended off the annoyance of cousin Jerry by chucking Uncle Abner's crystal blade at him, it hit the wall and broke. Now she's cursed to sing everything she wants to say. Can she turn this curse into a blessing by launching a career in opera?
4. Zakthar has fought evil Lord Amgitt's army for years using the traditional weapons of the Arkfardel Guard; a natural bristle toothbrush, a pair of tongs and his mother's recipe for baked beans. Disillusioned with his lack of success, he seeks a manlier weapon. And scantily clad chicks.
5. During the 2008 presidential election campaign, a 14-year-old African American boy turns white, proving that he is either a savior or an evil sorcerer who was long ago banished by the Crystal Blade. Followers of both spill into Texas and war ensues.
6. Long has the elven smith Singlodion laboured in the forges of Belegthrond to bring forth the Crystal Blade of the longsword Thaumiriel. When it becomes the shortsword Thaumiriel, and then the dagger Thaumiriel, Singlodion returns to the forges of Belegthrond, to explore the possibility of maybe using something besides glass next time.
Original Version
Dear Evil Editor:
When an African-American teen starts magically turning white, he's thrust into a war that will destroy our world unless he kills himself [in my alternate history novel, The Michael Jackson Story].
THE CRYSTAL BLADE is a hip-hop infused fantasy adventure inspired by Alice in Wonderland and Finnegans Wake. [Think "Jabberwocky," being rapped by 50 Cent.] Set in Texas during the 2008 presidential campaign, the 120,000-word novel centers on Howie Gryphon — savior of an enchanted world or a demon forced to be human.
Howie is 14 and fed up with hearing how he's "acting white" — then he starts turning white and gaining powers. [What kind of powers? Name the superhero whose powers most resemble Howie's.] The deeply religious teen believes a demon has awoken inside him. With his soul and his sanity at risk, he realizes he can only stop the creature by killing himself. But fighting brings greater peril. [Drop that sentence. Not clear who's fighting whom or what it brings greater peril than.]
Howie's power draws rival factions vying for The Crystal Blade. That weapon banished a wicked sorcerer; Howie's transformation means he is either that tyrant or a prophesied savior. As minions of those adversaries clash, Howie's ordeal leads their war to our world. [I'm tired of my minions never clashing with the minions of my adversaries. If you people wanna be my minions, I wanna see some clashing.]
THE CRYSTAL BLADE combines fantasy literature, fairy tales, and James Joyce's masterpiece in a unique story about diversity. Exploring themes as sweeping as the history of math and the nature of magic, the book examines the changing American Dream, from classism in the black community to Christianity's fundamentalist-progressive schism. [And I thought Finnegans Wake was impenetrable.]
Fun without being farce, smart without being preachy, it answers a key question of modern society: What is morality in a world of diverse ideals? [You're supposed to be telling us what happens in your book, not reviewing it.]
This is the first book in THE RISEN KINGDOM series. I am a former journalist and current substitute teacher focused on his first novel. Thank you for your time.
Sincerely,
Notes
Finnegans Wake doesn't get read in numbers that would justify a publisher putting out something inspired by it. Thus I recommend claiming your book was inspired by another author who made up lots of words, but was more accessible: Dr. Suess.
I want more about whose war is being brought to our world. Are the minions of those who think Howie's a savior and those who think he's a sorcerer both from somewhere other than Earth? Do they look like people? Does their war involve fighting with weapons in Texas? Do McCain and Obama take different sides in the war?
Put less time into setting up the situation and telling us the themes, and more into the actual plot.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
New Beginning 711
Vikram Shankar squinted down the long metal barrel. Framed squarely in the sight, not two hundred feet away, the big cat sat on its haunches, its lower jaw drooping, exposed ribs rippling under a creamy mat of chocolate-striped fur.
A sweet shot.
Vikram’s right finger closed over the trigger. He inhaled slowly, deliberately. Too seasoned a hunter to let the thrill overcome judgment, he took his time, savoring the anticipation.
The nasal whounk-ing of a snow goose flying overhead pricked the cat’s ears, and the heavy-set head swung toward the sound. With pounding heart, Vikram exhaled.
The sight bead wavered. He glanced down, and realized his left arm had begun to tremble.
Shit. Not now.
He willed his arm still, but it jerked -- wide -- then jerked again. The barrel danced in front of him.
Something -- whether the movement or some slight sound Vikram made -- drew the cat’s attention. It rolled into a crouch, facing Vikram’s blind. Sunlight bouncing off the snow caught its blue eyes and they glistened like tanzanite as it peered into the camouflage.
He held his breath. The cat's eyes narrowed: it seemed almost to smile as its gaze met with Vikram's. He couldn't take the shot, and his prey knew it.
Still crouching, the cat took a dump on Vikram's roses, hissed toward the blind, then turned and hopped back over the fence when it heard old Mrs. Lancry calling its name.
Bastard.
Opening: anon.....Continuation: anon.
A sweet shot.
Vikram’s right finger closed over the trigger. He inhaled slowly, deliberately. Too seasoned a hunter to let the thrill overcome judgment, he took his time, savoring the anticipation.
The nasal whounk-ing of a snow goose flying overhead pricked the cat’s ears, and the heavy-set head swung toward the sound. With pounding heart, Vikram exhaled.
The sight bead wavered. He glanced down, and realized his left arm had begun to tremble.
Shit. Not now.
He willed his arm still, but it jerked -- wide -- then jerked again. The barrel danced in front of him.
Something -- whether the movement or some slight sound Vikram made -- drew the cat’s attention. It rolled into a crouch, facing Vikram’s blind. Sunlight bouncing off the snow caught its blue eyes and they glistened like tanzanite as it peered into the camouflage.
He held his breath. The cat's eyes narrowed: it seemed almost to smile as its gaze met with Vikram's. He couldn't take the shot, and his prey knew it.
Still crouching, the cat took a dump on Vikram's roses, hissed toward the blind, then turned and hopped back over the fence when it heard old Mrs. Lancry calling its name.
Bastard.
Opening: anon.....Continuation: anon.
Wednesday, December 09, 2009
Face-Lift 706
Guess the Plot
Shadow Cats
1. They creep in at night. They poop in her garden. But no one believes Frieda Elsburger; only she can see them. Can she wage a one woman battle against the Shadow Cats? On her pension? Buy this book to find out. Buy six. She needs the money.
2. Shadassa inherits a fortune, but there's a catch: to get it she must spend a year living alone in the family mansion, which just happens to be occupied by vicious territorial creatures known as shadow cats. It's gonna be a rough year for this plucky thirteen-year-old mute orphan.
3. The life of Lawrence Hornsby is ruined when cousin Louise performs a seance to ask Aunt Edna where she buried the gold. Edna's spirit does not show, but the shadowy ghosts of her 27 damn cats rise from the back yard. Can Lawrence get rid of them in time to save his relationship with Naomi?
4. After the poor reception of his latest musical, Elliot Rogers fears bankruptcy. When his rival, Andre Floyd sets up a successful production of ‘Oklahoma!’ featuring only mimes, Elliot is struck by an idea that could save his career. If he can remember how to make something other than a shadow bunny, the world will soon see the premiere of his one-man production of . . . Shadow Cats.
5. Gertrude visits her aunt Hortensia, a.k.a. the crazy cat lady, actually a soul-stealing witch, and knocks over Hortensia's gardening bag. The souls of all the cats Hortensia had used as practice escape. Now the town of Spriggerton will face the wrath of the . . . Shadow Cats.
6. Jennifer wants a cat, and is surprised when her mom tells her they already have two very shy cats. Jennifer's never seen them, but she starts putting cat treats on a plate every night, and in the morning they're gone. Is it possible to love a cat you've never seen? And which cat will be Jennifer's favorite?
Original Version
Dear Evil Editor,
All Shadassa wants is a family, but that is the one thing she does not receive on her thirteenth birthday, [Actually, it's one of many things she does not receive.] when three lawyers visit the orphanage and turn her world upside down. The last of the Faider family, Shadassa is a potential heiress to a large fortune. [Who was the next-to-last of the family, and why didn't they find her a better living arrangement?] The money and the family mansion are hers on one condition – she must stay for a year in the mansion, alone. ["Stay" meaning never leave, or "stay" meaning make it her home? Can she go to the grocery store? The doctor's office?] Not the ideal living style for a mute orphan like Shadassa. However, she has no choice.
Taken from her friends and thrust into the wary, secretive community of a seaside town, the last thing Shadassa needs is more trouble. Too bad it's living in the same house. Dwelling in her basement is a clan of shadow cats, not-so-mythical creatures who thrive in the darkness and consider the mansion their home. In their opinion, Shadassa is trespassing on their territory, and all intruders must pay the price, as she soon learns. The cats' first attack is enough to make Shadassa wish for her old life, but the lawyers left her no way of contacting them, even in an emergency. [Even if she could contact them, you said she had no choice but to live there.]
To make matters worse, Shadassa discovers a riddle about a part of her inheritance she did not know about, a castle hidden on the mansion grounds. Curiosity leads her on the hunt, but someone else is also searching, a man with his own intentions for the secrets guarded by the castle, [How does this man know about the riddle?] and he will let no one get in his way. Between shadow cats, the riddle, and a dangerous adversary, Shadassa has plenty of reasons to falter, but hope keeps her going. There's a chance she might regain her voice.
A middle grade fantasy, Shadow Cats stands at 60,000 words. The manuscript is available upon request. I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
Notes
I have trouble buying that anyone would put these terms in their will, but I'm sure there must be a logical explanation.
If the castle is a small toy or a chess piece, I'd leave the castle out of the query and just say she discovers a riddle that could be the key to regaining her voice . If the castle is an actual castle that is somehow difficult to find even though it's right there on the mansion grounds, did you consider making it a hidden room in the mansion, or a secret passage from the lounge to the conservatory? The mysterious mansion's a fine setting. It's where the shadow cats are. So why walk out and go to a mysterious castle? Whatever's in the castle can just be in the mansion where there's the ever-present danger of a shadow cat assault.
The standard villain in this story would be someone trying to scare Sha-na-na into leaving the mansion because the money then goes to him or his organization. That he's looking for the castle doesn't seem as dangerous. We don't know what happens if he finds it before she does.
A thirteen-year-old girl isn't gonna hang around a house for a year if she's being regularly attacked by creatures that want her gone. The place must stink to high heaven, the furniture must be in shreds, and she probably already has cat scratch fever.
Do shadow cats cast shadows?
Tuesday, December 08, 2009
Face-Lift 705
This is an old Face-Lift. In reading through last year's stuff to prepare for end-of-year awards, I noticed that there were two with the same number, and rather than renumber everything from that point forward, I moved the extra post here to the end. No need to comment, though you're welcome to do so.Guess the Plot
Prey for the Church
1. Gay people, rational thought, those who ask too many questions, gay people...
2. A devout Evangelical Protestant goes undercover at the census bureau and changes the choices for 'religion' on the form to 'Christian' and 'hell-bound heathen', only to find his plans thwarted by an angelically blonde Episcopalian data-entry clerk. Can they overcome their differences and find love amid the printouts?
3. In 1964 Jack Singleton discovers he can use a certain red telephone booth in London as a time-travel machine. Life is stimulatingly dangerous as he revisits different parts of the 20th century, but when a glitch propels him back to 1376, he stands amid the scattered fragments of his ruined booth and realizes he's in veeeeery deeeeeep s**t.
4. When Stevie and Bill find smelly old bones in the grass, they realize the haunted church is carnivorous!! It ate a dog! They flee to safety, and don't cross the street again until it occurs to them that perhaps they can be rid of cruel teenager Jack McDaniels, if they can only convince him to stray too close and become . . . prey for the church!!
5. When attendance falls at Pineview's Sunday school, the Reverend Mackenzie takes action, sending his elite squad into the streets and playgrounds of the surrounding countryside to bring lost sheep of ages 4-12 back into the fold.
6. Three priests have been shot in the head, and the beloved bishop is the chief suspect. It's up to one intrepid reporter, with the help of a handsome butler and a band of Euro-brats, to solve the case before the Pope finds out what's going on.
Original Version
Re: Pederasty, the Catholic Church and Murder in PREY FOR THE CHURCH, a mystery novel by ______________
Dear Ms. ______________:
Chaz Kennedy quit the Boston Globe because she wanted to change things, not write about them. [Way too vague. The only specific is the Globe, and she no longer works there. I'm much more interested in her future plans than her previous job. What does she want to change? Does she have a new job lined up? Compare that to this: Chaz Kennedy quit the Boston Globe and joined Greenpeace because she wanted to sink Norwegian whaling vessels.]
Sailing along the Charles River in her tiny sailboat on the first day of her vacation, after putting away a bunch of nasty perps who sold pets to labs, [She quit the Globe to become Ace Ventura, Pet Detective?] Chaz enjoys the perfect weather that Boston serves up in June. When a big boat's wake throws her overboard, she surfaces nose to nose with a floater in priest's clothing. A bullet hole in the white bloated forehead doesn't help. [Doesn't help what?]
Meanwhile, a beautiful Indian activist is attacked in her hotel. Boston's premier defense attorney wants to hire Chaz to find out who and why. Chaz insists her vacation is more important than another job, until the police arrest her great uncle, the much beloved Bishop Kennedy, for murder when he is found giving the last rites two more priests with bullet holes in their foreheads. [Was the much beloved bishop holding the holy oil in one hand and the murder weapon in the other? What makes them think he shot them?]
Indian activists out to avenge the children abused by priests in Church run boarding schools, a wacko Internet cult of religious conservative vigilantes and elements within the Church itself, all have reason to want her uncle, the bishop dead. [However, he's still alive, so it's a little early to be thinking about who killed him.]
When he disappears from his jail cell before Chaz bails him out, [I know Massachusetts is easy on criminals, but do they really grant bail to people they believe shot three priests in the head?] [Although admittedly the bishop isn't a flight risk like a cardinal would be. Ba dum ching.] she is led on a frantic search that leads to a bizarre religio-military execution scene. [Nothing says vacation from hell like bizarre religio-military execution scene.]
Because widespread pederasty in the Catholic Church and the efforts to cover it up are still in the headlines, I thought this would be a good time to sell my work. [Anytime is a good time to sell your work if you're successful.]
Here are a few more elements to my story.
· The beautiful Native American (Canadian) comes to town to demand an apology from Boston's Cardinal, but the sniper's rifle hidden under her bed indicates another agenda. [It indicates she may soon be involved in a bizarre religio-military execution scene.]
· The elaborate Internet cult of priest abuse survivors runs its own bank and sets about wreaking private vengeance on abuser priests with money it gets from exploiting former abuse victims. [They are the former abuse victims.] [Whattaya mean, "wreaking vengeance"? Shooting them in the foreheads?]
· People suspect that the now dead Archbishop, [Bullet hole in the forehead?] her uncle's former boss, knew of the abuse. But his vile notebooks of the crimes were never found. [How do we know they're vile?] As his executor, Chaz's uncle, Bishop Kennedy, may have them. [Check the drawer in his bedside table.]
· That diary is worth a fortune to those eager to cash in on the Church's perfidy, but also to the Church, to prevent its publication. [By "that diary," singular, do you mean "his vile notebooks," plural?]
· The Big Dig, a massive public works project, forces Chaz and the villains to use water routes around the city, adding a new dimension to chases. [The dimension of water.] [Travel by boat is new only when measured against the age of the universe.]
· Defense attorney Erskine Villard III, his handsome French butler, and his band of Euro-brats give Chaz a hand. [Careful, this is turning into a comedy.] [If it's a comedy, change the title to: Who is Killing the Great Pederast Priests of Boston?] [Although your title is pretty funny too.]
Naturally, [Naturally?] there are a number of murders, chases on land and sea, and an intro to a cool new series character, Chaz Kennedy, brave, gun slinging, computer savvy, intrepid and sexy.
I was raised in Boston with priests and nuns in my family. [Sounds like a fun household.
Father O'Hara: What's that on the television, boy?
Author: Charlie's Angels, Father.
Father O'Malley: Turn it off and drop your pants. Sister Catherine, bring us our whips.]
I have read a great deal on the subject of pederast priests. I am angered and saddened by the situation that still unfolds in the news, yet know from my research that it's been known a long time.
I have made my living as a journalist, humorist, and radio news reporter and radio talk show host, on the air in Los Angeles, and nationally, as a commentator on the daily business show, Marketplace.
I hope you will consider representing me, uniquely qualified as I am to cover this explosive material.
Sincerely,
Notes
What is Chaz, a freelance reporter? A private detective? The fact she just "put away some perps" makes me think cop. But a cop wouldn't have vacation coming already. How long ago did she quit the Globe?
Your murder suspects seem to be Indian activists out to avenge the children abused by priests in Church-run boarding schools, a wacko Internet cult of religious conservative vigilantes and elements within the Church itself. Have you considered making it one abused person, the cult leader, and one misguided person out to avenge the Church for its damaged reputation? Wouldn't it feel more personal with individual suspects instead of conspiracies?
You make it sound like nonfiction, like you're blowing the lid off a scandal, when you talk about actual pederast priests and call your material "explosive." It's a novel. The subject may be somewhat timely, but the editor/agent knows this without being told.
It's too long. We don't need the weather in June or the lab animals. We don't need the list of other elements. Only the vile notebooks are interesting, but as the archbishop wasn't even mentioned in the plot summary, maybe they aren't that important. I'd start with something like:
When investigative reporter Chaz Kennedy falls overboard while sailing on the Charles River, she surfaces nose to nose with a floater in priest's clothing. The bullet hole in his forehead suggests that this was more than just a baptism gone bad. And when the cops find Chaz's great uncle, Bishop Kennedy, administering last rites to two more priests who've been shot in the head--and arrest the bishop for murder--Chaz cuts her vacation short and starts a big dig into the evidence.Then work in the motive: they were all pederast priests. And a few suspects. That's plenty for a murder mystery query.
Face-Lift 704
Guess the Plot
Sector C
1. In 2000 Ted blew his mind eating 'psychedelic' cookies and he has been drooling in Sector C of the hospital ever since. That's what his trust fund administrator says. But when terrorists release a photo of their captured 'spy' who looks and sounds just like Ted, his sister Sarah realizes he actually joined the CIA in 1999, like he said he would. So who is that guy in . . . Sector C???
2. Medical student Lou Nash takes the wrong elevator on his way to Histology and gets lost in Sector C: the cadaver room, where he runs into the beguiling Jane Doe. Not realizing she should be inertly dead, Lou takes Jane for coffee and thinks he's about to get lucky -- until she bites his earlobe off, and soon, yes, he's a zombie, too.
3. When rapper LaZBoi is found dead behind the stage of the Sector C club, Homicide detective Zack Martinez knows two things: LaZBoi wasn't scheduled to sing at a country bar, and his sister will kill him if he doesn't get Taylor Swift's autograph.
4. Wanna hunt some saber-toothed tigers or mammoths? Extremely wealthy? Head on over to Sector C, the highly lucrative animal cloning operation. Well, highly lucrative until an escaped animal starts a pandemic that wipes out millions of people. Can Sector C geneticists find a way to turn this disaster into profit?
5. The name, the shape, the obsession -- all that's missing is the pointy head in charge. Yes, again. "Trackless" Colonel Liamb has lost himself, sans-army, in enemy territory. His ID claims he's an itinerant entomologist. Too bad he's terrified of bug, insect, or sequin with legs glued on.
6. Forty years ago a space ship landed in Sector C and took away every cat on the planet. But now the cats are about to make a comeback, and there’s not enough Meow-Mix on earth to keep the naughty kitties from scratching their owners’s eyes out when they drop in for a little payback.
Original Version
Dear Mr. SparkEE:
Walt Thurman, Chairman of Triple E Enterprises, has always considered his business model and science sound: bring in the brightest offshore talent to clone rare and endangered animals, and let wealthy businessmen pay to shoot the excess in canned, stylized hunts. As special incentive, there’s the elite package in Sector C reserved for “Frequent Hunters” – exclusive specimens from the Pleistocene Ice Age. [Special! For every ten endangered animals killed, kill one extinct animal!]
The venture is a success, until animals and employees begin to show signs of neurologic dysfunction. Triple E has inadvertently uncovered proof that megabeasts like the mammoth and saber-tooth tiger succumbed not to overhunting as the popular theory goes, [My own theory is that it's impossible to get any food to your mouth when you have giant saber teeth and curvy tusks getting in the way.] but to a type of genetic prion disorder that causes a transmissible, incurable – always fatal – neural disease. And history is about to repeat itself. [The ultimate indignity: going extinct twice.]
One escapee from the North Dakota compound is all it takes to start a pandemic that infects the milk, muscle, and brains of every mammal that comes in contact with the mutant prion. [In layman's terms, transmissible spongiform encephalopathy.] As children and adults across the U.S. weaken and die, as millions of animals are slaughtered [by wealthy businessmen], and the global economy tanks, CDC investigator, Mike Shafer, teams with veterinarian, Donna Bailey, [Those last four commas are slowing the flow. I'd get by without them. Also, I'd change veterinarian Donna Bailey to a clone of extinct singer Pearl Bailey.] to untangle the clues that will lead them to patient zero in hopes of discovering the first cause and a possible cure.
What Mike and Donna don’t expect to find is Triple E holding a megahunt and charging clients to kill the last of the infected “Exotic, Endangered, and Extinct” stock. [Brilliant. Anyone willing to pay millions to kill an extinct animal would happily pay a surcharge to kill the last extinct animal.] Nor do they expect to be coerced into helping Triple E geneticists capitalize on the pandemic they unleashed by creating a stabilizing protein that might reverse the disease – research that will ultimately be sold to the highest [still-living] bidder. The treatment is risky and untried, tested only on themselves; it seems viable in the short term – but at what long-term cost? [Given the choice between dying tomorrow from a horrible nerve disease and possibly experiencing side effects from it's cure in twenty years, I'll risk the treatment.]
Drawing on tomorrow’s science headlines, SECTOR C is an 85,000-word technothriller. I look forward to sending you the completed manuscript.
Notes
It's got too much information. Using mostly the delete function, you can get the plot down to:
Triple E Enterprises has a unique business model: bring in the brightest offshore talent to clone endangered animals, and let wealthy businessmen pay to shoot them in canned, stylized hunts. As special incentive, there’s Sector C, reserved for “Frequent Hunters” – exclusive specimens from the Pleistocene Age.
The venture is a success, until animals and employees show signs of neurologic dysfunction. Triple E has inadvertently uncovered proof that megabeasts like the mammoth and saber-tooth tiger succumbed not to overhunting as the popular theory goes, but to a transmissible, incurable – always fatal – neural disease. And history is about to repeat itself.
As children and adults across the U.S. weaken and die, CDC investigator Mike Shafer teams with veterinarian Donna Bailey to find the clues that will lead them to patient zero. What Mike and Donna don’t expect to find is Triple E holding a megahunt and charging clients to kill the last of the infected “Exotic, Endangered, and Extinct” stock. Nor do they expect to be coerced into helping Triple E geneticists capitalize on the pandemic they unleashed by creating a protein that might reverse the disease – to be sold to the highest bidder.
Monday, December 07, 2009
New Beginning 710 (Chapter opening)
There were no screens on the long windows in the old houses on Third Street, and mostly no curtains either, but only wavy panes of old glass, or new thinner glass where any wavy panes had been cracked or broken. As the weather got warmer, the windows stayed open, even in the backs of the houses by the fire escapes, like no one believed anyone would ever want to climb inside to do them harm.
The houses were all the same, lined up one side and down the other on the street; and if you stood out in the front yard just right and looked down the sidewalk and squinted your eyes, they looked like they ran on forever, one after the other in an unbroken long line; and standing in the center of them all, you could make yourself feel a good dizziness, imagining you'd been painted into a picture on perspective.
The houses had rounded corner parapet rooms on the right hand sides up their three stories; and the houses were built of thick red brick with a solid, standing-forever look to them. They’d had a strength, a staunch standoff grandeur to them a long time ago, but that was long gone. You felt the distant pulse of the place if you lived there, because you felt it missing.
Now the houses had been sliced and diced inside; reconfigured into small apartments of one room or two; tall-ceilinged warrens to hide away in, rented to students and bartenders and waitresses and to other people nobody seemed to know about.
You could see into people’s lives at night from the sidewalks out front, if they had their lights on and they walked near their windows.
The floors were stripped to bare wood...
Hmm? Not this one either?
Well, no worries, Mister McWilliams. We're a large firm, I'm sure something in our listings will suit you. Ah, here's a condo on Langdon. Ahem...
The stark whiteness of the post modern building stood out against the blue sky like a splat of seagull poop floating on a serene ocean--
Hey! Where're you going!?
Opening: Robin S......Continuation: Sarah from Hawthorne
The houses were all the same, lined up one side and down the other on the street; and if you stood out in the front yard just right and looked down the sidewalk and squinted your eyes, they looked like they ran on forever, one after the other in an unbroken long line; and standing in the center of them all, you could make yourself feel a good dizziness, imagining you'd been painted into a picture on perspective.
The houses had rounded corner parapet rooms on the right hand sides up their three stories; and the houses were built of thick red brick with a solid, standing-forever look to them. They’d had a strength, a staunch standoff grandeur to them a long time ago, but that was long gone. You felt the distant pulse of the place if you lived there, because you felt it missing.
Now the houses had been sliced and diced inside; reconfigured into small apartments of one room or two; tall-ceilinged warrens to hide away in, rented to students and bartenders and waitresses and to other people nobody seemed to know about.
You could see into people’s lives at night from the sidewalks out front, if they had their lights on and they walked near their windows.
The floors were stripped to bare wood...
Hmm? Not this one either?
Well, no worries, Mister McWilliams. We're a large firm, I'm sure something in our listings will suit you. Ah, here's a condo on Langdon. Ahem...
The stark whiteness of the post modern building stood out against the blue sky like a splat of seagull poop floating on a serene ocean--
Hey! Where're you going!?
Opening: Robin S......Continuation: Sarah from Hawthorne
Saturday, December 05, 2009
Friday, December 04, 2009
Face-Lift 703
Guess the Plot
The Faerie Knight
1. He may be tiny, but Sir Swinkie is the best jouster in Bramblewood, assuming his opponent also rides a mouse. So when Queen Mab is 1] attacked by an evil cat, and then 2] kidnapped by an evil child, Swinkie leads the raiding faerie troupe into the house of the evil giants.
2. The king wants a human bride so that he can become invincible and conquer the mortal world, so he sends the Faerie Knight to get him one, specifically Christa. But it turns out Christa has a boyfriend, and the Faerie Knight figures that if he's going to persuade Christa to marry the king, he'll have to murder her boyfriend first. Hilarity ensues.
3. Sheathed inside a protective suit of armor the bastard king of England cunningly plots his next thrust into the bedchambers of neighboring kingdoms. He leaps from one exciting tryst to the next. The exciting climax comes to a head during the 1066 Battle of Hastings. Will he reach the pinnacle of ecstasy or will his armor rust from inside?
4. Jousting while holding a fifty pound stick and trying to keep his balance while his wings itch and ache crumpled up inside his coat of armor makes Herbie the Faerie wonder why he ever signed up for the Knight in Shining Armor course at the tech institute, but there's no turning back now.
5. Isabella, a 14th-century Spanish nun, writes poetry and romances for herself. When a strange man appears in her cell, will it lead to her greatest work--or to disaster?
6. Ed Spenser adds a few artistic swirls of tar while repairing the cracks in the road and incidentally summons Britomart, the Faerie Knight. Together they seek the remaining knights who have all disappeared from the Faerie Court. Also, evil slave-mistress Radigund who runs a pet shop.
Original Version
Dear (Editor's name)
I'm seeking representation for my 55,000 word Young Adult urban fantasy novel The Faerie Knight.
Eighteen-year-old Faerie Knight, Simeon Langston, is fiercely loyal to his King, Gregory. So when Gregory wants an envoy to go out into the human world to bring him a human bride, Simeon reluctantly agrees. [Would a fiercely loyal subject be reluctant to obey his king?] The task presented to him, however, involves murdering a young human male, Reginald, and taking on his persona so that he will be in a better position to persuade Reginald’s girlfriend, Christa, to marry Gregory. [Wouldn't your boyfriend be the least likely person to be persuading you to marry someone else? Won't Christa be suspicious? Why not get rid of Reginald and take on the persona of Christa's best (female) friend?] This is because if she marries Gregory before the faerie gods he will become invincible and be able to conquer the mortal world. But right from the beginning things don't go as planned as Simeon experiences difficulty adjusting to life in the human world, and worse [Delete that word.] finds himself falling for the very girl he is supposed to be getting for Gregory. Torn between his loyalty to Gregory and love for Christa, what choice will Simeon make?
I received a BA in English from York University in Toronto, Canada and aim to succeed as a writer of fiction and film projects.
Would you be interested in looking at The Faerie Knight? I thank you in advance for your time, and look forward to hearing from you.
Yours Sincerely
Notes
If Simmy murdered Reggie and moved into his body, hasn't Christa noticed any changes in her boyfriend?
Does Gregory know anything about Christa? Can he conquer the mortal world if he marries any human woman? If so, can't Simeon keep Christa and bring Gregory a different woman to marry?
How is this persuasion of Christa supposed to play out?
Simeon (as Reginald): Sorry hon, but we're through.
Christa: You've . . . found another woman?
Simeon: No, I've found another man. For you. Well, not a man, exactly, but he's male, and I want you to marry him. So he can conquer the mortal world.
Christa: Ha ha. You had me going there for a minute.
I think you need to explain how a boyfriend is well-positioned to persuade a woman to marry a Faerie king she's never met. Or to marry the knight who murdered her boyfriend.
Success Story
Jeanne Tomlin reports that the following version of her query (discussed in Face-Lift 664) garnered a number of requests for full ms and that yesterday she signed with an agent:
Eighteen-year-old James Douglas can only watch, helpless, as the Scottish freedom fighter, William Wallace, is hanged, drawn, and quartered. Even under the heel of a brutal English conqueror, James' blood-drenched homeland may still have one hope for freedom, the rightful king of the Scots, Robert Bruce. James swears fealty to the man he believes can lead the fight against English tyranny.
Robert Bruce is soon a fugitive, king in name and nothing more. Scotland is occupied, the Scottish resistance crushed. Only James believes their cause is not lost. With driving determination, he blazes a path in blood and violence, in cunning and ruthlessness as he wages a guerrilla war to restore Scotland's freedom. James knows he risks sharing Wallace's fate, but what he truly fears is that he has become as merciless as the conqueror he fights.
THE BLACK DOUGLAS is a 95,000-word historical novel, which follows one of one of the heroes of the Scottish War of Independence. Sample pages are pasted below.
I am the author of A WARRIOR'S DUTY published in July 2009 by Swimming Kangaroo Books, and my flash story Guardian Demon appeared in the Editor Unleashed/Smashword Flash 40 Anthology. I also have a BA in English with a minor in history.
Upon your request, I am prepared to send a partial or the complete manuscript. Thank you for taking the time to consider representing my work.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)