Dear Mr. Editor,
The title of my novel, Forced Air, is two words long; the same applies to my name and my protagonist’s, as neither of us, oddly enough, have middle names. My nom de plume, in the other hand, contains 8 words and 43 characters. I trust you will agree that I have made every word of my novel count, from my dedication (183 words) to my epilogue (3287 words). The novel itself is proportioned thus:
Introduction: 3
Prologue: 287
Description of Rob Hoover and other characters: 6921
Dramatic foreshadowing: 53, or 7821 if Rob’s speculation on time portals counts
Characters mocking Rob for not being flatulent: 12,381, 32 three quarter-words, 451 half-words, and 3 one third-words (I have a character who interrupts a lot and generates great hilarity) (for an exact calculation to the 8th decimal of where each word was interrupted, see Appendix A for this query letter)
Rob bemoaning his sad, windless state: 8940
Rob’s journey through time until meeting Columbus: 1
Rob and Columbus’s lessons on cutting the cheese, literally: 3122, 581 repeats (Christopher Columbus stutters) (see Appendix B for a complete breakdown of these words)
Rob and Columbus’s lessons on cutting the cheese, figuratively: 4819, 784 repeats (ditto and ditto)
Rob’s triumphant return: 83,256
Appendix A, various versions of “The Musical Fruit:” 5643
Appendix B, a medical description of flatulence: 438
Appendix C, illustrations: 56
This query letter was 240 words long.
Sincerely,
--_*Rachel*_
Why you don't get published.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Bad Query 7
Dear Wonderful Agent Man:
I'm enclosing the query for my children fiction fictional novel, "The Sunshine Kids Make Money."
As a child in Santa Monica, Ca, I often saw people at the beach. I longed to help them but with my working at my parents' T shirt business I was forced to watch while they wrinkled and shriveled, and while the beach patrons sizzled in the sun.
I currently work at the Children's Library as an unpaid aide. I wrote my story while in the library. You can see it at my website, where it links to my blog where I tweet during the night. I have permitted many of the local children to read it, and they love it as it speaks to their current lifeways. My manager and coworkers all love it too. They say I will be the next Judy Blume.
Sincerely,
Ms Moonwymyn
--Khazar-khum
I'm enclosing the query for my children fiction fictional novel, "The Sunshine Kids Make Money."
As a child in Santa Monica, Ca, I often saw people at the beach. I longed to help them but with my working at my parents' T shirt business I was forced to watch while they wrinkled and shriveled, and while the beach patrons sizzled in the sun.
I currently work at the Children's Library as an unpaid aide. I wrote my story while in the library. You can see it at my website, where it links to my blog where I tweet during the night. I have permitted many of the local children to read it, and they love it as it speaks to their current lifeways. My manager and coworkers all love it too. They say I will be the next Judy Blume.
Sincerely,
Ms Moonwymyn
--Khazar-khum
Bad Query 6
Dear Evil Editor:
I am seeking representation for my 234,987 word fictional first novel. I am a housewife and mother who prefers longer books, and I find that books longer than 230,000 words are just about right. Anything shorter than 100000 words seems to be missing some meat to the story while anything over 250000 is a lot to work with. But 230000 is as perfect a length ad you can find.
I reached the exact word count by using my Word Processor software's Properties tags for each chapter. Then when I finished I bundled all the chapters together in a single file (ha ha) and ran Properties again. It gave me the precise figure of 234, 987 which is the word count of my novel that I am submitting to you.
Thank You
--Khazar-khum
I am seeking representation for my 234,987 word fictional first novel. I am a housewife and mother who prefers longer books, and I find that books longer than 230,000 words are just about right. Anything shorter than 100000 words seems to be missing some meat to the story while anything over 250000 is a lot to work with. But 230000 is as perfect a length ad you can find.
I reached the exact word count by using my Word Processor software's Properties tags for each chapter. Then when I finished I bundled all the chapters together in a single file (ha ha) and ran Properties again. It gave me the precise figure of 234, 987 which is the word count of my novel that I am submitting to you.
Thank You
--Khazar-khum
Bad Query 5
My critique group loves FIREHOUSE.
Tony calls it stunning; a work of monumental beauty revealing the fragility of love inside lonely brick firehouses. Gerald, who sees auras, thinks that I've tinged my romances with an olive aura of despair and lonelytude and turned it into an alien-shrimp weapon for political reasons. Itsa. Rage. Rage against. That is Gerald's bigtime compliment. Billy Samms thinks FIREHOUSE deserves the Pulitzer.
Betsy had a vision about FIREHOUSE. She doesn't explain her visions, not since the abduction. Except when she gets high and giggles and details the dozen aspects of alien bodily violations and her concerns that Paula Abdul is a communist.
The only thing Ronnie Jeremy Junior our ginger boy hates is the name. Hates it and thinks the title should be changed to Red Rod Rising. Polly, who sometimes can't understand multi-syllabic words, says it sounds like that O'Reilly book--A Steaming Puddle of Hot Fresh Man-Juice and My Dung Heap. To tell the truth, I think Polly was touched by the fever as a child and nips the Muscatel. Manuel Grippe, a squid, distributed Valium to calm down Ronnie and Polly. Drugs redefin the novel's aura real good.
Shelly my wife, says FIREHOUSE reads like "Hey Baby, I got my big fire hose and I’m goin' to do ya right, just like those aliens did to Betsy's body," and she says that with a smile. We argued all last week; good book, bad title. We all love a great story. You all will love it too. It speaks eloquently of love; lost, gained and unrequited.
--Dave F.
Tony calls it stunning; a work of monumental beauty revealing the fragility of love inside lonely brick firehouses. Gerald, who sees auras, thinks that I've tinged my romances with an olive aura of despair and lonelytude and turned it into an alien-shrimp weapon for political reasons. Itsa. Rage. Rage against. That is Gerald's bigtime compliment. Billy Samms thinks FIREHOUSE deserves the Pulitzer.
Betsy had a vision about FIREHOUSE. She doesn't explain her visions, not since the abduction. Except when she gets high and giggles and details the dozen aspects of alien bodily violations and her concerns that Paula Abdul is a communist.
The only thing Ronnie Jeremy Junior our ginger boy hates is the name. Hates it and thinks the title should be changed to Red Rod Rising. Polly, who sometimes can't understand multi-syllabic words, says it sounds like that O'Reilly book--A Steaming Puddle of Hot Fresh Man-Juice and My Dung Heap. To tell the truth, I think Polly was touched by the fever as a child and nips the Muscatel. Manuel Grippe, a squid, distributed Valium to calm down Ronnie and Polly. Drugs redefin the novel's aura real good.
Shelly my wife, says FIREHOUSE reads like "Hey Baby, I got my big fire hose and I’m goin' to do ya right, just like those aliens did to Betsy's body," and she says that with a smile. We argued all last week; good book, bad title. We all love a great story. You all will love it too. It speaks eloquently of love; lost, gained and unrequited.
--Dave F.
Bad Query 4
Dear Evil Editor,
I am looking for representation for my novel Prophecy's Birth. I'm not completely wedded to the title, Prophecy's Birth, especially since I've seen other novels with similar titles and I wouldn't want anyone to be confused. On the other hand, if someone were looking for one of those other novels, they might find mine instead and like it better.
The title Prophecy's Birth doesn't exactly fit the plot, but it should appeal to people who are looking for a book with that kind of title. I mean, I suppose I could change it if I had to, but just by looking at it you know the type of book it is. Isn't that what a title is supposed to do? Besides, it took me weeks to come up with the title Prophecy's Birth. I wrote down pages and pages of other titles and this was the best (I took a vote).
You might be worried that the title sounds too religious or too creative. What you should really think about is the many other related titles that would obviously belong with this one. Also, depending on the font, the title Prophecy's Birth could easily fit in any section of the bookstore.
May I send you the manuscript for Prophecy's Birth (or my concept art for the title)?
Faceless Minion
P.S. Don't you think Prophecy's Birth is a fantastic title?
P.P.S. I hope I don't have to change it.
--Faceless Minion
I am looking for representation for my novel Prophecy's Birth. I'm not completely wedded to the title, Prophecy's Birth, especially since I've seen other novels with similar titles and I wouldn't want anyone to be confused. On the other hand, if someone were looking for one of those other novels, they might find mine instead and like it better.
The title Prophecy's Birth doesn't exactly fit the plot, but it should appeal to people who are looking for a book with that kind of title. I mean, I suppose I could change it if I had to, but just by looking at it you know the type of book it is. Isn't that what a title is supposed to do? Besides, it took me weeks to come up with the title Prophecy's Birth. I wrote down pages and pages of other titles and this was the best (I took a vote).
You might be worried that the title sounds too religious or too creative. What you should really think about is the many other related titles that would obviously belong with this one. Also, depending on the font, the title Prophecy's Birth could easily fit in any section of the bookstore.
May I send you the manuscript for Prophecy's Birth (or my concept art for the title)?
Faceless Minion
P.S. Don't you think Prophecy's Birth is a fantastic title?
P.P.S. I hope I don't have to change it.
--Faceless Minion
Bad Query 3
Dear Mr. Evil Editor,
I have spent five years writing a novel but spent a lifetime preparing for it.
I am a Dartmouth graduate with a B.A. in Electrical Engineering with a Robotics emphasis. As you are undoubtedly aware, Dartmouth is renowned for its scholars. To name only a few: Chris Miller, writer for National Lampoon and co-writer of Animal House; Jean Passanante, Head Writer for As the World Turns and recipient of Writer Guilds of America Award in 2007; David Benioff, screenwriter Troy, Stephen Geller, screenwriter Slaughterhouse-
I am unsure how many students at Dartmouth are the offspring of the rich and famous, I assure you that I am not one of them, having acquired a huge debt, (approximately $50,000 per quarter). I am, therefore, ‘in touch’ with your readership even though I graduated from an IVY LEAGUE UNIVERSITY.
Founded in 1767 and located in the New Hampshire, Dartmouth has a flexible, unique calendar, (a quarter system), which gave me time to write and thoroughly edit my novel, while other students, (60%), used this flexibility to study abroad.
Please let me know when you are available to read my manuscript.
Author W. Annabe
--Vivian Whetham
Bad Query 2
Dear Evil Editor,
I know you are just dying to read my really long manuscript, THE SEARCH FOR MR. LINCOLN: AND THE ENCOUNTER WITH CORNBREAD AND THE THREE EYED MAN. You see, even the title is long. And with a title that long, the manuscript must be long, too. I can’t tell you how many words it is, because when I tried to do a word count, my computer started crying. Really, tears poured from the monitor. That really jacked up my keyboard, but it didn’t stop me from adding another huge chuck of words to the manuscript.
I know the word count is right on the money, so you don’t have to worry about it. You can trust me. I made it incredibly long because you can’t have too much of a good thing. I tried to have too much of a good thing once. You know what that good thing was? My manuscript. And I couldn’t get enough of it. So I added more words.
I’m adding more words to it again even though it’s done so I can release an unabridged version, with an even higher word count. The critics will rave about it because it will be a big thick book and it will look impressive on anyone’s bookshelf.
I think a high word count adds a great deal of value to the book. If you sell it at the same price as other books, like “epics” that are only “250,000 words,” then my book will have a lower cost per word. It will be like pennies on the dollar compared to those books because of all the extra words you get when you buy my book. In today’s economy, you can’t be too sensitive to the needs of the consumer.
Thank you for your consideration. I think I went over 250 words for this submission, but that only helps to illustrate my point, so I know you’ll forgive me.
--Rick Daley
I know you are just dying to read my really long manuscript, THE SEARCH FOR MR. LINCOLN: AND THE ENCOUNTER WITH CORNBREAD AND THE THREE EYED MAN. You see, even the title is long. And with a title that long, the manuscript must be long, too. I can’t tell you how many words it is, because when I tried to do a word count, my computer started crying. Really, tears poured from the monitor. That really jacked up my keyboard, but it didn’t stop me from adding another huge chuck of words to the manuscript.
I know the word count is right on the money, so you don’t have to worry about it. You can trust me. I made it incredibly long because you can’t have too much of a good thing. I tried to have too much of a good thing once. You know what that good thing was? My manuscript. And I couldn’t get enough of it. So I added more words.
I’m adding more words to it again even though it’s done so I can release an unabridged version, with an even higher word count. The critics will rave about it because it will be a big thick book and it will look impressive on anyone’s bookshelf.
I think a high word count adds a great deal of value to the book. If you sell it at the same price as other books, like “epics” that are only “250,000 words,” then my book will have a lower cost per word. It will be like pennies on the dollar compared to those books because of all the extra words you get when you buy my book. In today’s economy, you can’t be too sensitive to the needs of the consumer.
Thank you for your consideration. I think I went over 250 words for this submission, but that only helps to illustrate my point, so I know you’ll forgive me.
--Rick Daley
Bad Query 1
Dear Evil Editar
I know you're not a real editar but I thought I'd give you a try.
I am seeking represetation for my 90000 word epic fantasy (roamnce).
As my theme I have chosen a haunted bus ride so you can guess the kind of whacky things that go on within it! There's ghosts, wong turnings and everything — even a back wheels overhanging a cliff scene (featuring Amy, my main character and girlfriend of three years).
I chose the the theme of a bus ride because my Grandpa used to drive one of those in his early youth days before he started becoming a salesman. He had a dark pointy waxed mid-black moustache and used to wear the kind of dungarees they had in the Waltons, only smarter and never with checks only stripes or plain. Everybody loved him, especially the kids, for he used to wistle songs from the movies whilst he drove between stops and sometimes at the stops if there was a cripple. I got the idea for the ghost part when he died last winter after a long illness that robbed him of his speech and his dog died too, just before. So the driver in my haunted bus is my Grandpa, which I know will be totally original.
I play drums in a band called The Creeps but other than that I am undiscovered although I did commit a minor minor felony when I was 8 nothing serious.
Get back to me before I’m snaped up!!!
--Whirlochre
I know you're not a real editar but I thought I'd give you a try.
I am seeking represetation for my 90000 word epic fantasy (roamnce).
As my theme I have chosen a haunted bus ride so you can guess the kind of whacky things that go on within it! There's ghosts, wong turnings and everything — even a back wheels overhanging a cliff scene (featuring Amy, my main character and girlfriend of three years).
I chose the the theme of a bus ride because my Grandpa used to drive one of those in his early youth days before he started becoming a salesman. He had a dark pointy waxed mid-black moustache and used to wear the kind of dungarees they had in the Waltons, only smarter and never with checks only stripes or plain. Everybody loved him, especially the kids, for he used to wistle songs from the movies whilst he drove between stops and sometimes at the stops if there was a cripple. I got the idea for the ghost part when he died last winter after a long illness that robbed him of his speech and his dog died too, just before. So the driver in my haunted bus is my Grandpa, which I know will be totally original.
I play drums in a band called The Creeps but other than that I am undiscovered although I did commit a minor minor felony when I was 8 nothing serious.
Get back to me before I’m snaped up!!!
--Whirlochre
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Writing Exercise
Bad Queries
Step 1. Use this random number generator to get one integer between 1 and 660.
Step 2. Search the blog for the Face-Lift with that number.
Step 3. Choose one of the fake plots.
Step 4. Write a query that focuses entirely on one thing that should be a very minor part of a good query, or shouldn't be included in a good query at all. Obviously you won't be bringing up the plot at all, but you also won't be mentioning--at all--anything other than the ONE area you choose to focus on. If you are having trouble thinking of a possible area, Face-Lift 660 listed several in the notes at the end. Queries that aren't limited to one area will be returned unopened.
Deadline Sunday, 10 AM. 250 words max.
Step 1. Use this random number generator to get one integer between 1 and 660.
Step 2. Search the blog for the Face-Lift with that number.
Step 3. Choose one of the fake plots.
Step 4. Write a query that focuses entirely on one thing that should be a very minor part of a good query, or shouldn't be included in a good query at all. Obviously you won't be bringing up the plot at all, but you also won't be mentioning--at all--anything other than the ONE area you choose to focus on. If you are having trouble thinking of a possible area, Face-Lift 660 listed several in the notes at the end. Queries that aren't limited to one area will be returned unopened.
Deadline Sunday, 10 AM. 250 words max.
Friday, August 14, 2009
Success Story
Kiersten reports that she has just gotten a three-book deal with HarperTeen, for her novel Paranormalcy. No idea if we ever saw the opening, but Kiersten credits our assistance with her query for Flash with getting her the agent who made the deal.
Face-Lift 664
Guess the Plot
The Black Douglas
1. Genealogist Hamish McBride discovers that the legitimate heir to one of Scotland's clan chieftainships was included in the ill-fated Darien Scheme to colonize America in 1684. And he finds a direct lineal descendant, now living in Jamaica. But are the conservative Scottish clans ready for . . . The Black Douglas?
2. When Edgar Beaucoup buys the black-on-black, he's sure his millions were well invested -- until Taciturn Winters announces she created the hideous fake to protest greed and corruption in the art world. Edgar knows he should help put her away . . . but it's love at first sight.
3. In this sequel to the movie Braveheart, Scottish teenager James Douglas takes up the fight against the English after Mel Gibson's death. Unfortunately Douglas fails to grasp the fact that wars are usually won by the side that has weapons.
4. This volume of the color-coded memoirs of Douglas Figstiffle covers his Black period, in which he adopted a "Puritan" style complete with black clothes, black hair dye, black furniture, etc, and matched it with such relentless gloom & doom & talk of Hellfire and damnation, the Taliban mistook him for one of their own.
5. Minnie Wax last solved the case of the Green Douglas, in which she unmasked the notorious dog-napper of Detroit. Now a burlesque dancer's cat has gone missing in Las Vegas, and, astonishingly, Minnie's top three suspects are, again, all named 'Douglas'.
6. The Black Douglas is your typical pirate ship - except, of course, for its all-female crew. Can Katherine "Ugly Kitty" Duglan hold this unruly band together long enough to take revenge on the British officer who killed her father, framed her brother, and possibly stole her parrot?
Original Version
Eighteen-year-old James Douglas is forced to watch as the Scottish freedom-fighter, William Wallace, is hanged, drawn, and quartered, his still-beating heart cut out. With his country under the heel of a brutal English tyrant, James takes up the battle for freedom. His only weapon is ruthless cunning. In ambush and terror, he carries the fight to the English [Ambushing soldiers may catch them by surprise, but . . .
James Douglas: We'll hide behind these rocks. When the English army comes through the pass we'll spring out unexpectedly.
2nd in command: But sir, the English have crossbows and swords and we have no weapons.
James Douglas: Wrong. We have ruthless cunning.]
and counts it worth the cost, even if that cost is sharing Wallace's fate. The only thing he truly fears is that he may have become as merciless as the conqueror he hates. [How merciless can you be when your only weapon is cunning? Even if you trick the enemy into entering your trap, you need some rope or a lead pipe or a candlestick to hold off their swords. Give them some weapons.]
THE BLACK DOUGLAS is a 100,000 word historical novel which takes up where the movie Braveheart leaves off.
I am the author of A WARRIOR'S DUTY published by Swimming Kangaroo Books, and my flash story Guardian Demon appeared in the Editor Unleashed/Smashword Flash 40 Anthology. I also have a BA in English with a minor in history.
Upon your request, I am prepared to send a partial or the complete manuscript. Thank you for taking the time to consider representing my work.
Notes
You need to tell us what happens in your book. All we know is your main character's name and that he fought against the English after Wallace died. You don't even make it clear that Douglas isn't a fictional character. His write-up in Wikipedia shows him to be as compelling a character as William Wallace. Your query should declare that your novel is based on the exploits of James Douglas, who successfully . . . whatever. Then relate some of the crucial events in your novel.
The Wikipedia article indicates that James was sent to Paris for safety early in the Wars for Scottish Independence, and that he returned to Scotland in 1306. As William Wallace was executed in 1305, James wouldn't have been there to watch the execution. Did he make a quick trip over and back? Or is there an error? The fictional parts of historical fiction should be the parts no one can check up on. The facts you need to get right, because your readers will take you to task otherwise.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
New Beginning 673
Ann could have driven home from the tennis club another way. She could have taken the tree-lined boulevard through her stately neighborhood in the suburbs. Instead she detoured four miles past No Limits. She had driven by it many times and wondered what it was like inside. The building stood fifty yards behind a high wrought iron fence and heavy gate. Far enough that details couldn’t be seen from the moving traffic, yet close enough she could see the impressive entrance and the walkway from secluded parking.
It was a sex club, and she wondered what happened there and what type of people went. Were any like her, respectable yet curious? Or were they vulgar and depraved? In an instant she was past it, and the huge iron gate that blocked passage disappeared. What did the gate represent? A barrier not to be crossed, or protection for the most private public acts?
Ann traveled five miles and looked to her left. There behind stately bushes six feet tall was a mansion built 100 years before. It was two stories tall and had a wooden door, Ann was sure was oak, with a brass knocker. She wondered what the residents were having for dinner. Was it ordinary meatloaf and mashed potatoes, like she was going to fix for dinner that night, or delivered pizza? Did they employ a cook that made exotic, yet nutritional meals? Did they eat in front of the television or at an oaken dining table from the 15th Century?
Ann took a right and then a left, another right and another mile. She could have been home half an hour ago. There in front of her was an all-girls school, set back from the street with an ordinary fence surrounding it. She wondered if it was there to keep the girls from running away or to keep murderers out. She wondered about the girls. Did they wear uniforms or their own clothes? Did they get enough to eat? Were they like her children, rowdy at times, but polite and quiet most of the time?
She turned left, then right; now she was in front of a lawyer's office. Was the lawyer like the one in To Kill a Mockingbird, moral like her? Destined to take hopeless cases, like her? Was he having an affair like she was?
It was a sex club, and she wondered what happened there and what type of people went. Were any like her, respectable yet curious? Or were they vulgar and depraved? In an instant she was past it, and the huge iron gate that blocked passage disappeared. What did the gate represent? A barrier not to be crossed, or protection for the most private public acts?
Ann traveled five miles and looked to her left. There behind stately bushes six feet tall was a mansion built 100 years before. It was two stories tall and had a wooden door, Ann was sure was oak, with a brass knocker. She wondered what the residents were having for dinner. Was it ordinary meatloaf and mashed potatoes, like she was going to fix for dinner that night, or delivered pizza? Did they employ a cook that made exotic, yet nutritional meals? Did they eat in front of the television or at an oaken dining table from the 15th Century?
Ann took a right and then a left, another right and another mile. She could have been home half an hour ago. There in front of her was an all-girls school, set back from the street with an ordinary fence surrounding it. She wondered if it was there to keep the girls from running away or to keep murderers out. She wondered about the girls. Did they wear uniforms or their own clothes? Did they get enough to eat? Were they like her children, rowdy at times, but polite and quiet most of the time?
She turned left, then right; now she was in front of a lawyer's office. Was the lawyer like the one in To Kill a Mockingbird, moral like her? Destined to take hopeless cases, like her? Was he having an affair like she was?
Opening: Wes.....Continuation: Vivian Whetham
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Face-Lift 663
Guess the Plot
Futurality
1. It's 2079, and the English language has been taken over by a band of rogue suffixes. Armed only with a bootlegged copy of Strunk & White, 5th grade Language Arts teacher Henrietta Fowler must go back in time to the early 20th century and kill Warren G. Harding, the man who coined the word "normalcy" and started it all.
2. As Rasbaum's new illustrated dictionary unfurls, he invents new words, based on novel combinations of Latin and whimsy -- but his crush, Georgette the editor, is not amused.
3. First "Pastitude", then "Presentocity" ... now, at last, the amazeriffic conclusion to the "Silly Neologisms" trilogy!
4. This uniquing referencely book will teachicize and instructify all studentites in the artisticism of constructivizing originalized vocabularity from suffixions applicationed not quite correctfully.
5. Zavier Williams discovers that the hot new video game called Futurality is actually a mind-control weapon developed by the government to help an alien race take over the world. Can Zavier and his cab-driver girlfriend save humanity?
6. Sent to explore the 22nd century, experts in medicine, military strategy, and international finance find a world dominated by crocodiles, rodents, and giant beetles. The "trade" mission quickly becomes a desperate search to find out what went wrong -- before it's too late to change.
7. Frank River is the host of "Futurality", a game show where people try to predict fashion trends. But he has a secret identity: he's really Francisco Rivera, the Mexican wrestler known as "El Lobo". Will he be unmasked?
8. In 20 B.C., flying cars, moon colonies and time travel tours are all the rage. When Dylan Sten tries to fix his bad credit with investment funds in the past, he finds that even though the present can't be altered it can be pushed forward.
Original Version
Ms. XXXX,
My novel, Futurality, is a YA science fiction novel of 82,104 words. The protagonist, Zavier Williams, is a sarcastic orphan who has survived for years by hacking and stealing enough to make rent on a tiny apartment in the Philadelphia Underground District. The District is a housing development for people too poor to buy air purifiers and live aboveground. [Hard to believe unpurified air underground is better than unpurified air above ground. Where does the underground air come from?] Despite his expertise in hacking, Zavier bites off more than he can chew when he steals the code for a new videogame called Futurality, and tries to sell the game on the black market – his buyer turns out to be an NSA agent with orders to arrest him. To get away he jumps from a building [A building on the surface? So his home is underground because the surface air is too dangerous to breathe, but he does his hacking aboveground?] and is unexpectedly rescued by Jayde, a beautiful black hovercab driver and former pilot.
The two of them escape, and soon learn that Futurality is no game; it is a government developed mind control weapon with mysterious extraterrestrial origins. Zavier and Jayde are forced to go on a planet-hopping adventure [Can anybody book a planet-hopping adventure?] to stop Futurality from being unleashed, and to prevent the invasion of an alien race called Seekers. [I don't see why preventing a video game from being unleashed on Earth requires an exploration of Uranus.] As the two unlikely heroes learn more about Futurality and its creators, Zavier discovers a latent link between himself and the code – a hidden psychic power that allow him to see and touch emotion. His mastery of this power, as well his resourcefulness, and love for Jayde will determine his unexpected destiny as the boy who holds the humanity’s fate in the palm of his hand.
The style and subject matter of Futurality make it marketable to young adults. The plot can be thought of as a combination of Star Wars and Snow Crash. [Other possible combinations would be High Noon and Ender's Game or Spartacus and The Da Vinci Code.] The protagonist’s age of eighteen, and his circumstance of being on his own will appeal to high schoolers, and be familiar to young adults. [His occupation of criminal hacker will appeal to the ever-growing identity thief demographic.] The emphasis on video games in the story will draw in young adult and middle grade videogamers, which is a large demographic. [Unless you're writing to someone who has no idea what she's doing, there's no need to explain to whom your YA science fiction book will appeal.]
I have had two articles published in The Sun, a newspaper of Moorestown, New Jersey. I am currently a junior at the University of the Arts. My major is Communication with concentrations in professional writing and screenwriting.
If you are interested, I have a complete manuscript and a six-page synopsis of Futurality you can receive by email or find in PDF form at my website, ___________ (this is a self promotion website, and is used in no way for self-publication).
Thank-you for your time and consideration,
Notes
Is it just a coincidence that the one person who has this latent link with the game's code is the one person who happened to steal the code?
I don't see the usefulness of seeing and touching emotions. I wouldn't want to think that the key to defeating an alien invasion is the ability to see emotions, and Zavier, who has never had this ability, suddenly develops it.
Maybe it's just me, but I would find it more intriguing if the brilliant kid managed to thwart an alien takeover with just his resourcefulness. When he starts planet hopping and turns out to be the chosen one with fantastical abilities, I start to lose interest. It's like when Superman defeats his enemies and I think, well, yeah, if I had super strangth and x-ray vision and heat vision and telescopic vision and super speed and invulnerability and could fly, I could defeat criminals too. In fact, considering how powerful Superman is, it's embarrassing how long it takes him to defeat most of his enemies. If I were Superman, my comic book adventures would be over on page 1.
I'd leave out the sentence about the air purifiers. In fact, I'd leave out the planet hopping and the emotion touching. We don't need to know Zavier has super powers and the means to go to other planets, just that Jayde and Zavier use their ingenuity to thwart the conspiracy.
What talents does Jayde have that are useful in saving humanity? Why does she help Zavier escape?
Nothing after the plot paragraphs is going to improve your chances of getting a request for the manuscript.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
New Beginning 672
Today, given her current circumstances, the point where Murphy Road met Highway 90 felt like the intersection between heaven and hell.
Honk! Honk!! The car behind her screamed encouragement, urging her to react to the green traffic light ahead. She squirmed in her seat but kept her foot firmly on the brake. The impatient driver swerved into the right lane, and drove past, his middle finger in the air.
Finally she heard what she was waiting for, still a distant rumble. Shifting her foot to the accelerator, she drove onto the tracks.
The train’s rumble became a growl.
She clutched the steering wheel and squeezed her eyes shut.
The growl became a loud roar. The smell of diesel filled the air.
She felt, rather than saw the train barrel down on her. Trembling, she howled; a loud pitiful sound that perfectly mirrored the state of her heart.
On the sidewalk of the intersection between heaven and hell, the two men who’d been watching these events unfold winced at the sound of crunching metal.
The man with the long white beard and flowing robes sighed. “You bastard. You got me again.” He dug into his pocket and produced a twenty dollar bill, which he slapped into the open palm of the other man, who was wearing a red suit and smoking. “I thought for sure that white dove perched on her windowsill this morning would get her attention.”
“Nah. Too subtle. Never underestimate the power of pitiful howling despair.”
“I guess.”
“Like candy from a baby,” said the man in red as the woman’s car exploded. The orange fireball reflected off his dark sunglasses.
“So. Who’s next?”
The man in red consulted a piece of paper. “Singleton. Richard A.” He pointed toward the wreckage. “That’s him.”
“Guy saving the engineer?”
“Yep. Double or nothing his newfound hero status goes to his head and he cheats on his wife by week’s end.”
“You’re on.”
Opening: Wande.....Continuation: Blogless_Troll
Honk! Honk!! The car behind her screamed encouragement, urging her to react to the green traffic light ahead. She squirmed in her seat but kept her foot firmly on the brake. The impatient driver swerved into the right lane, and drove past, his middle finger in the air.
Finally she heard what she was waiting for, still a distant rumble. Shifting her foot to the accelerator, she drove onto the tracks.
The train’s rumble became a growl.
She clutched the steering wheel and squeezed her eyes shut.
The growl became a loud roar. The smell of diesel filled the air.
She felt, rather than saw the train barrel down on her. Trembling, she howled; a loud pitiful sound that perfectly mirrored the state of her heart.
On the sidewalk of the intersection between heaven and hell, the two men who’d been watching these events unfold winced at the sound of crunching metal.
The man with the long white beard and flowing robes sighed. “You bastard. You got me again.” He dug into his pocket and produced a twenty dollar bill, which he slapped into the open palm of the other man, who was wearing a red suit and smoking. “I thought for sure that white dove perched on her windowsill this morning would get her attention.”
“Nah. Too subtle. Never underestimate the power of pitiful howling despair.”
“I guess.”
“Like candy from a baby,” said the man in red as the woman’s car exploded. The orange fireball reflected off his dark sunglasses.
“So. Who’s next?”
The man in red consulted a piece of paper. “Singleton. Richard A.” He pointed toward the wreckage. “That’s him.”
“Guy saving the engineer?”
“Yep. Double or nothing his newfound hero status goes to his head and he cheats on his wife by week’s end.”
“You’re on.”
Opening: Wande.....Continuation: Blogless_Troll
Monday, August 10, 2009
Face-Lift 662
Guess the Plot
1. Murdered by aliens they ruled over ruthlessly, Captain Sabine and the Emperor have come back to life! It's revenge time, but can two zombies wipe out the entire alien fleet?
2. Joe Bob, necromancer, runs a small business selling undead slaves. When one of his subjects comes back to life instead of un-life, he needs to find the non-corpse to prove he's not responsible before zealots, grieving families and a pantheon of demigods turn him into one of his usual subjects.
3. You will need:
- shovel
- car battery
- jump leads
- copy of Necronomicon
- air freshener (optional)
4. As the Siberian mystery deepens, Tabasco Jones prepares for her meeting with Bleu Flambei, the internationally renowned graffiti artist and superspy. They deciphered the Weatherman Code too late to save New Orleans, but the latest message says Vladavostok will be destroyed with heat rays on Tuesday.
5. When Roger discovers the powers of Viagra, his wife of 32 years says no way and files for divorce. Single again, Roger goes wild and the rest of the story -- is porn.
6. When Lenny the Cockroach is found six legs up, the Band of Merry Dust Mites goes into mourning. Their god is dead. But three days later, Lenny is up and running about. Was he faking it, or did these dust mites witness . . . The Resurrection?
Original Version
Dear Agent,
I see that you’ve represented John Miller (FATE OF THE JEDI) and Troy Denning (LOST TRIBE OF THE SITH), whose books fall into the same category as THE RESURRECTION. [My research indicates that John Jackson Miller is the author of some short stories in a series called Lost Tribe of the Sith and that Troy Denning is the author of a book called Abyss, which is one book in a series called Fate of the Jedi. So unless these guys both write for both series, you've mixed them up. Also, these are Star Wars fiction. There's no indication below that yours is a Star Wars novel, and if it isn't, to say that it falls into the same category is going to misrepresent it, at least to this particular agent. If it is set in the Star Wars world, say so.] I would love for my debut 150,000-word science fiction novel to be taken on by an agent of your stature. [And to say a 150,000-word novel falls into the same category as a short story is a stretch.]
Ambitious twenty-year-old Captain Sabine is a human resurrection with a big chore left over from her past life: she has to convince the other resurrection—her emperor—to stop [eating people's brains and to stop] seeking revenge against the aliens they ruled ruthlessly and were murdered by in their past life. [How can convincing the emperor to stop seeking revenge on the aliens be a chore left over from her past life? In her past life she wasn't doing this chore, so it's new to her current life.] But when she has the cabal plotting his assassination wrapped around her finger, [The emperor's assassination? How long has he been alive again? One day you're dead, the next day you're alive again, only to discover there's already a cabal plotting your assassination?
I'm forming a cabal to assassinate the emperor. You in?
I thought the emperor was dead.
He was, but he came back to life.
What's the point of assassinating him if he can come back to life?
Hmm. I'll get back to you on that. Any other questions?
Yeah. What's a cabal?]
and the weapon to crush the alien fleet at her disposal, she finds herself thinking that revenge might be a good idea after all—right alongside flying solo. [That's the whole plot? One zombie tries to convince another not to wipe out a fleet of aliens, and then decides to start her own firm?]
(is it worth mentioning that I used to author a column in a local paper in which I reviewed dance mix CD’s? [No.] I didn’t think so. And I take it membership in local writers’ organizations don’t mean shit either?) [Correct.]
I appreciate your time and consideration.
Sincerely yours,
Notes
If you call them zombies instead of human resurrections, you'll triple your sales.
While I admire your ability to condense your 150,000-word plot into two sentences, another five or six would be useful in conveying to us what happens in your book.
Why are there only two human resurrections?
How can the emperor ruthlessly rule aliens who have a fleet? It seems to me that if someone is ruthlessly ruling you and you have a fleet, you'll either use it to go to war or use it to fly away, depending on how well you think you'll fare in a war. You're not gonna just put up with someone ruthlessly ruling you.
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