New Beginning 342

It seemed such a good idea. My PPL was burning a hole in my pocket and I was desperate for chances to use it. My boyfriend's mother was becoming wheelchair bound and her ability to travel was becoming limited: not because of the flights but because of all the hassle and queuing around them. So I came up with a plan: take Anne and her wheelchair for a trip around the Channel Islands. Cliff and I could travel London the night before and then meet her at Elstree in the morning for the hop across the channel. It'd be a blast.

I knew I was in trouble when the British Airways staff who checked me in for the flight to Heathrow marked my bag as "heavy". I compounded this by deciding to leave the case at Elstree Airfield that night, which led to my waking up in a roadside hotel with nothing but my flight bag: no shampoo, no hairbrush, no toothbrush, nothing. Just me and Pooleys and a map.

I checked my watch. It was still very early, despite the sunlight washing in under the curtains. I looked around the hotel room in the dim hope of finding some distraction to pass the hours until it was time to go and meet Cliff and Anne for breakfast.

I was in luck. Tucked beneath the Gideon's bible, some one had left--or perhaps hotels are providing these too, now--a copy of a book called Novel Deviations 3. I read it cover to cover and laughed so hard I actually peed myself a little. That's when I remembered: my Protective Panty Liner was still in my pocket.


Opening: Sylvia.....Continuation: ril

Quiz Preparation

Lots of books have strange and amusing titles. So Long and Thanks for All the Fish. Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? Why You Don't Get Published.

Below I placed the descriptions of some books. Your job was to make up crazy titles to go with the plots. Or at least it was when the descriptions were there. I now have enough fake titles, so I've removed the descriptions. Shortly the titles will be used in a quiz.


Normally I do a Face-Lift every weekday, but none of the titles in the queue has the needed five GTPs. (Presumably this announcement will bring in a dozen for each.)

New Beginning 341

David pulled the car into the driveway just far enough to get the trailer clear of the road.

“Well, here we are,” he said. “It’s nicer inside than it looks, remember. We’ll fix it up a bit, maybe build an addition.”

Kat stared at the house perched partway up the hill. On her first trip out here, when David had still been interviewing for the job, she had expected a quaint log cabin or a classic farm house, maybe even something that looked like a smaller version of the houses on the horse farms they had passed to get here. Nothing like this squat brick . . . cube. It had two stories and a pitched roof, but no porch, barely even a door step. A carport would serve as their garage. She thought back to the house they had left in suburban New Jersey with its dormers and big front porch, and she sighed.

“Tell me again why we’re here,” she said.

"No," David said, "I'm not going to tell you: I'm going to show you. How long have we been married? How many times have I said to you, 'Show, don't tell?'"

Kat sighed again, louder this time, sorry she'd ever seriously thought marriage to an editor could work. She wanted to tell him what she thought about his annoying, pedantic rules; instead she reached into the back seat for the tire iron, realizing it would be much more effective to show him.


Opening: Elissa.....Continuation: Anonymous

Face-Lift 401

Guess the Plot

Rachel Takes the Crown

1. A trip to London is just what the doctor ordered for the Lipschitz family. But for kleptomaniac daughter Rachel, it's more than just another family vacation - it's an international incident.

2. After stumbling into a time-warp portal, Rachel discovers she's just become the wife of Henry VIII. Thanks to history lessons, she knows that she's not his last wife and that she'll soon be beheaded . . . unless she manages to change history.

3. Ten-year-old Rachel wishes to be a princess one night and she wakes up the next morning as Princess Victorine . . . the day before she's to become Queen. Can Rachel get back to her own life? Or is she destined to rule the land of Althadia?

4. The Little Miss Tyke Beauty Pageant is open to the prettiest 6-year-olds in the city. But even false teeth smiles, adult makeup and teased out hair can't compete when Rachel's mother sets her sights--and the sights on her RPG-7 anti-missile weapon--on winning.

5. Traditionally, only men can rule in Laternia, but when Princess Rachel's father dies, she refuses to abdicate, and her cousin Damien, next in line, secretly plots to overthrow her and set himself up as leader, in this politically astute chapter book for seven-year-olds.

6. Rachel Sumner hates 5th Grade--Mrs. McAllister is mean, the girls are all into clothes, and Jamey Draper needs to be punched in the mouth. When the school starts selling candy bars as a fundraiser, Rachel hopes to sell enough to earn the TV. But will Carrie Ellesmere beat her to it?

7. When Norman discovers the basement of the Waterhouse is full of life-sized, cut-crystal figures of all the inhabitants of Waterford he is fascinated, until he meets the furnace-tending fire-ogre. But soon he becomes a regular, secret visitor, spending happy hours rearranging the figures (and likewise the lives of those represented). Also a crystal weredingo.


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor;

With her father dead, Princess Rachel has assumed the crown – but her cousin who is next in line for the throne is intent on preventing her from keeping it. Rachel Takes the Crown is a 12,000 word chapter book for 7-9 year olds and is meant to be the first in a series. [For those unfamiliar with chapter books, instead of selling entire books, you sell each chapter as a separate book. Eventually we'll have paragraph books, and you have to buy 800 of them to get the whole story. Of course it'll be annoying to get home with your paragraph book and all that's in it is one word, so they'll probably go with page books, where each book is one full page of a novel. It would be hard to keep one page from getting bent, so they'll have to be hardcovers.]

When her father, King Joseph, dies, Princess Rachel is left with a decision: buck the tradition that dictates that only men can rule, or abdicate in favor of her cousin Damien. It is a decision that she struggles with, but in the end, she decides that her father would want her to become the next ruler of Laternia [even though she's four years old and Damien is 28] . However, Damien would have no part of that [for he is the son of the devil]. [Isn't this the plot of Damien: Omen II? I hope you've cut down on the violence, considering your audience.] Declaring her rule illegal, he secretly plots to overthrow her publicly in order to install himself as king. The plan is overheard by young Captain Lassiter who attempts to defend Rachel. In the end, they together are able to thwart the attempt, but Damien escapes to a safe haven, free to plan a new attack to get what he wants.

While this is my first foray into fiction, [I am already an expert at alliteration.] I am a published writer who has worked with newspapers and magazines. I have covered business events as well as written on legal issues relating to real estate and investment funds from an institutional point of view.

I have enclosed a summary for your review, as well as a SASE for your reply. A full manuscript is available at your request. Thank you for your time.


Notes

This reads fine. I guess if the book is this short, I should expect its summary to be brief, but I wouldn't mind some additional plot. Rachel's age, a few details about Damien's scheme or Rachel's and Lassiter's defense?

The plot paragraph sounds like it could apply to a book with a much older age range. It has a mature vocabulary and concepts like abdicating and overthrowing seem a bit advanced for seven-year-olds. Presumably you've put it in terms they'll get. The question is, do you need to put the query in terms that sound less mature? I'm not suggesting that you write as if you're writing to a seven-year-old, but possibly you can make it sound more like a book young kids will dig. At least give it a quick try, and compare to this version.

New Beginning 340

"Julio in trouble, huh? Sometimes, you humans don't have the sense to be quiet when quiet is propitious," YakMat P'koil teased. The bartender set up beer and chasers.

"Oh you can't lay that on me. Not a chance in Hoydoycloo I take the blame." Linus Dieterwald gulped the shot of whisky chasing it with beer. "Without warning, the High GagBlak goes into full bloom, spouting English like a native. None of us speak native English. It's archaic, old fashioned . . . "

"A rare sight, the High Gagblak dissembling in foreign tongues. Run for your linguistic life, call the emergency squad," YakMat said, laughing, his three eyes watery with delight.

"Ja, Ja, not rare enough! I couldn't jump fast enough to stop Julio after the GagBlak asked if his first wife ate wienerschnitzel with whipped nuts." Linus laughed, shaking his head and thumping the table with his fist. Glasses jumped and tinkled. "And the GagBlak screaming wienerschnitzel, wienerschnitzel as Julio beat him."

“You know,” said Klef Klagven, chiming in with his customary know-it-all tone once the laughter died down, “it’s a little known fact, but the English word wienerschnitzel actually derives from two separate words of the ancient Germanic heritage.” He paused when the patrons around him groaned. “It’s true. Wienerschnitzel comes from schnitzel, meaning to cut. And wiener, meaning, you know, uh . . . ”

“The thing you don’t have?” snapped Crawla, as she walked by carrying a tray of drinks. She high-fived YakMat on the way to table three.

“Ha, ha. Very funny, Crawla,” said Klef, calling after her while the others giggled. “But it’s a well known fact that all Galactic Postal Transportation Technicians are required, by law, to have at least--”

But the front door opened, and in slithered a bulbous slug-like creature. “Afternoon, everybody.”

“GNOREM!” the bar’s patrons shouted in unison.

“What’s up, Gnoremy?” said YakMat, polishing a crystal goblet.

“Not my blood alcohol. Got a cure?”


Opening: Dave Fragments.....Continuation: blogless_troll

Face-Lift 400

Guess the Plot

Reawakening

1. John and Barbara Fisher are roused from deep sleep by an unearthly howl. It sounds like it's coming from the next room. A strange being has invaded their house, and they're about to find out it's looking for food. And--can it be? Does it need a diaper change AGAIN?

2. During the long flight to Demeter 5, astronaut Dave Gavin becomes a born-again Christian. Can he preach the Gospels to the inhabitants of Demeter 5, or will they kill him--just as they did Jesus?

3. 4000 years after God turns him into the world's first vampire, an archangel gets bonked on the head and suffers amnesia. A thousand years later, he comes to, and encounters . . . Vlad, his old rival from the vampire wars. Talk about rude reawakenings.

4. When lawyer Gustav Klimptikov opens the will of an elderly, wealthy client, he uncovers a web of mayhem and murder that will shake the very pillars of the highest levels of government. Armed with a two thousand-year-old drop of blood, he joins forces with a gorgeous geneticist, risking everything to resurrect the one woman who can save the world . . . Mary Magdalene.

5. In the deep silence of space the passengers aboard the colony starship "Vegan" awake from their cryogenic sleep. "It's only 23,000,000 light years, for Chrissakes! Go back to sleep!" "Where's the bathroom?" "Are we there yet?" "I want a drink of water!" HAL knew they were going to reassign him after that Discovery incident. But this?

6. It's bad enough to awaken the dead, but Dr. Frankenstein just couldn't leave bad enough alone, and reawakened his monster. But this time, he knew, would be different. No way would the Windmill Preservation League allow a mob with torches to destroy the monster again.



Original Version

Dear Mr. Editor:

For a human, ancient times are a buried puzzle. For an ancient vampire, those times have faded into history like their youth. For me, they are a recent memory. I am Vincent, a former archangel, and I watched as the heavens and the earth formed. When man ate of the tree of knowledge, God appointed me the Angel of Death. [May I send you my 300,000-word manuscript, If I Did It?]

No mortal should have been capable of seeing me unless I chose it, but Anastasia did. [I never did find out where she got the night-vision goggles.] Intrigued, I visited her frequently and we eventually become lovers. The deeper I fell for her, the harder it became to leave and I began ignoring my duty. When God [, outraged that I wasn't killing enough people,] ordered my return, I refused. Infuriated, God punished me for choosing a woman above Him.

[God: You dare choose a woman over Me?

Vincent: Not just any woman. Anastasia. Have you seen her?

God: I'll take a look, but . . . Holy Maloly! Are those real?]

Since I wanted to stay, stay I would – cursed as the original vampire.

Four millennia later, I found one vampire killed by another. My search for answers led to a war against others of my kind and reunited me with the reincarnation of my beloved Anastasia. [Amazing to be this far in, and still not know whether you're writing to me or to your psychiatrist.] Just as the war should have ended with my army the victor, I suffered a near fatal blow. When I awoke one thousand years later, I had no memory of my past. [And yet I've somehow just managed to tell you all about it.] Vladimir, the leader of the opposing faction in the vampire wars, discovered me alive. [Discovered you in what condition? Why didn't he put a stake through your heart?] Revenge foremost in mind, he fostered Anastasia’s reincarnation [What does that mean? How long had she been dead?] and plotted to use her against me. He believed my love for Anastasia bound my soul to this world and her hate for me in this reincarnation could surely break that bond, sending me to hell and out of his way. He assumed incorrectly. Her love for me only tied her to this world. Still, his theory held merit. With Anastasia unable to return, [from where?] I would curse God and accept my place among the fallen angels – right after sending Vladimir to meet my old friend Lucifer. I, however, plan to win and to do so ancient battles must be refought and ancient passions reawakened. [I feel like you're trying to explain a bunch of complicated stuff when you should just be telling us what happens.]

My dark fantasy novel, Reawakening, is complete at approximately 92,000 words and ready for your review. I look forward to hearing from you. Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,


Notes

The two set-up paragraphs are clear enough, but I find the long paragraph confusing. If the majority of the book is set after Vince awakens, I'd concentrate on that and reduce the set-up. Though it's the clearest part, I'm not sure we need the set-up at all. If you start it something like:

For a human, ancient times are a buried puzzle. For me, those times have faded into history. I am Vincent, cursed by God as the original vampire . . .

omitting the Angel of Death, and forbidden fruit stuff, there'll be more room to provide a clear picture of the Vincent/Anastasia/Vladimir story, which I assume is your main plot thread.


There are but three queries left awaiting critique. Now's the time to get 'em in. If nothing else, you get to see what the Guess the Plot authors come up with for your title.

New Beginning 339

Vixen felt the sting of a needle as it grazed her cheek and twisted to the side, her spine curving far enough that if she were any less limber she would have been split in two. If she was lucky, the dart would contain an anaesthetic, designed to slow her down or put her to sleep. Unlucky and it would be a neurotoxin that shut her heart down before her feet found the floor again.

If she had earned the enmity of her superiors it would be- No. She didn't even want to contemplate that.

She hit the floor and stumbled. A sedative then. Her left thumb found the three hard nodules in the hollow of her left wrist and depressed the middle one, releasing a measured dose of stimulants into her bloodstream. She crouched in the darkness waiting for it to take effect.

Footfalls scuffed near where she lay; She looked up into familiar, narrow eyes. "Ah, we find you in this unfortunate predicament once more, Miss Vixen."

The stimulants were starting to work. She nodded and managed to croak out, "I turned my back on them. It won't happen again, Principal Martin."

Miss Vixen longed for the good old days, when the worst she could expect was a spitball.


Opening: Rachel Green.....Continuation: Anonymous

Face-Lift 399

Guess the Plot

Sealsong

1. Evie has discovered one of life's hard truths: It's tough to fit in with the other kids when you're new in town, when you're an orphan, and especially when you transform into a seal every night.

2. In a flash all nine hundred thank-you notes are written. Her new husband gazes at her fondly, clearly thrilled being married to a witch. But if she can't remember the sealsong, his tongue is going to be useless tonight.

3. Nine-year-old Chance can't wait to join his father and brothers at the annual hunt. But animal activists are once again threatening to interfere. Can Chance fulfill his destiny as a seal clubber, or will he have to kill a hippy first?

4. Herbert Micewort loves clean hotel bathrooms, reveling in the scent of exotic soap, the feel of those sample shampoos and the brilliant sight of white porcelain. But nothing compares to the satisfying sound of breaking that paper across the toilet bowl.

5. Kayleigh is the preacher's daughter; Harlan is the ne'er-do well-the good girls shun. When a single act of violence turns their world upside down, will their forbidden love find space to blossom? Also, they're all seals.

6. A powerful alien race sends a death ship that looks like a rusty Electrolux to Earth because they no longer hear a seal song from, what . . . 200 light years away? Can aging actors go back in time to get a pair of seals to scam the alien fools and save Earth?

7. While examining the connection between mythical Sirens and seals, zoologist Dirk Tweezle botches the gene-splicing experiment and turns himself into a seal. Can he communicate the reversing protocol to his fiancee through sealsong, or will he end up as dinner for the sharks?

8. Animal-rights activist Polly Turnpull has long suspected that seals are singing when humans hear them "bark". But when she proves this theory correct, she discovers there are a lot of people who want the secret to stay hidden. If she dies in the conspiracy cover-up, will the seals keep her memory alive in a new song?

9. In this contemporary romance, Edna Thripp discovers love among the salad keepers at her annual Tupperware Sales Party. But will the man of her dreams, twice-divorced Lester Goob, turn out to be just another leftover?

10. Brittany hopes to raise awareness of the plight of marine mammals with her new album 'Sealsong', which combines the mating calls of Elephant Seals with African chants and Peruvian flutes. Will her album deliver its message, or will it be crushed by the music industry?

11. Every day young Carla goes to the shore, to wait for her pirate father's return. One day a seal appears, her father's signet branded into its back. Is this a message from her father . . . or her father himself?


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor:

It's one thing to discover that an ancient legend is true;­ it's a whole other thing when the living proof is you [, that you are the Loch Ness Monster].

My 70,000-word young adult contemporary fantasy, Sealsong, thrusts a fourteen-year-old Australian girl into the heart of one of Scotland's most ancient legends:­ the half-human/half-seal world of the selkies. [Hey, I was close.] [Which would look weirder: a human with a seal head or a seal with a human head?] [Either one would be highly disturbing.]

Orphan Evie Cochrane is sent from her home in Australia to Scotland to live with an aunt she has never met. It's tough to fit in when you're the new girl in town ­ especially when "town" is a remote island where they refuse to adopt radical modern concepts like cars, TVs and shopping centers. It's even tougher when you discover you are a selkie [, and thus unable to resist the urge to balance a beach ball on your nose]. Life as a freak of nature doesn't appeal, but Evie has no control over her nightly transformations. Repelled by her own nature [Is she repelled by the idea of being a seal half the time, or the idea of being a human being half the time?] and disdained by the islanders, particularly the eerie minister, Mr McLellan, [who declares her cloven flippers to be the mark of the demon,] her alienation is complete. When Mr McLellan threatens to reveal the selkies' secret to the rest of the world, Evie must embrace her true identity to survive.

I am an ex-pat Scot living in Australia and I have used my experience of both countries to create the world of 'Sealsong'. I am a freelance copwriter [Does this mean you write to cops or that you write about cops, or that you are a cop?] and have had short stories published in Australian magazines, including xxxx and xxxx, and xxxx in the UK.

Thank you for your time and I look forward to hearing from you.


Notes

I can imagine how the world would react if some guy from a remote island held a press conference to reveal to the world that there are people who morph into seals every night. McLellan would be dismissed as a nutcase.

It's mostly setting up Evie's situation. Of course you need to set it up, but the main plot seems to be: When Mr McLellan threatens to reveal the selkies' secret to the rest of the world, Evie must embrace her true identity to survive. How about expanding on that? Is their secret that they exist? Is embracing her true identity enough? Shouldn't they try to stop the guy? What action do the selkies take? If that's not the main plot, maybe give us more about Evie's life as a girl and as a seal. We need to know a few things that happen.

What causes a person to become a selkie? Moving to Scotland? Reaching a certain age? Surely if she was born a selkie she'd have known it before turning fourteen.

New Beginning 338

Rumor had it I would be dead before morning.

My friends, having concluded from my weakened state of body that I was obviously too far gone to hear their words, whispered their opinions about my condition freely over me to one another. They all concurred, the murderer of my wife and child may not have laid a hand on me, but my imminent death was the direct result of his actions.

While I could hardly disagree, those whispers did nothing to lessen the symptoms of my illness, and neither did the doctor who came in behind them, sat down beside me, and lied to me through his straight, but yellow teeth.

Perhaps Dr. Benton’s lies would not have been such an insult if he had not put his hands on the sides of my face, his nose inches from mine, and said in his most commanding and loud voice, because he too obviously believed dying meant deaf, “Listen to me, Vincent. You may have got wind of a rumour going round that you don't have much longer."

My grunted reply became a cough.

"I'm sorry for starting that off. Bad form." He paused, perhaps to see if I had any comment; I could think of nothing appropriate. "It does rather appear to be true, though," he continued, and as his grip on my throat tightened, I came to understand how he had acquired his reputation as an infallible prognostician.

It was fortunate, therefore, that one of the symptoms of my malaise was an excess of internal methane, a sudden release of which rendered the good doctor senseless before his vice-like grip got the better of me.

This was, in fact, the third occasion upon which a timely fart had saved my life.


Opening: Katherine Haney.....Continuation: Anonymous

Title Search

Below are thirty-two movie titles with themes from the world of publishing. Half were made up by your fellow minions. The other half are the titles of actual films (source: imdb.com). Can you guess which are which? The author of each title is hidden after the title; use your cursor to highlight it. Twenty correct would be excellent.

Shadow of the Evil Editor Ouch!
Bleeding Ink writtenwyrdd
Escape from the Slush Pile of Despair Ouch!
The Missing Galleys Ouch!
Agent Z and the Penguin from Mars actual movie title
Contract Renewed Leatherdykeuk
Killer Instinct: From the Files of Agent Candice DeLong actual movie title
Red Letter Daze writtenwyrdd
Of Prose and Punishment Ouch!
Unwilling Agent actual movie title
The Editor Strikes Back Leatherdykeuk
Six Fountain Pens and a Dominatrix writtenwyrdd
Author Conan Doyle actual movie title
The Fable of the Author, the Dear Public, and the Plate of Mush actual movie title
Six Characters in Search of an Author actual movie title
The Writer, the Naked Girl and the Guy with a Hole in His Head actual movie title
A Publisher for Lunch Leatherdykeuk
Psycho Writer actual movie title
The Honest Book Agent actual movie title
How to Cope with Rejection actual movie title
The Lost Manuscript actual movie title
Axe Murdering Editors for Fun & Profit writtenwyrdd
Writer without A Clue Bill Highsmith
Horsewhipping an Editor actual movie title
Suck a Lemon Before You Say That writtenwyrdd
Copy That! Leatherdykeuk
Submission: Part 1 actual movie title
Novel Desires actual movie title
The Market Conspiracy Leatherdykeuk
The Plot Sickens actual movie title
Mr. Editor is Crazy actual movie title

Writing Exercise

Movie studios are always coming up with campy titles for farcical movies. You know, like 8 Heads in a Duffle Bag, Snakes on a Plane, Attack of the Killer Tomatoes.

Submit amusing titles related in some way to writing, publishing, this blog, genres, etc. Get 'em in by noon, eastern time Saturday.

Face-Lift 398

Guess the Plot

A Certain Kind of Girl

1. She loves kittens and walks on the beach. She dances in the rain. She has been known to sleep on the muddy ground behind the freak show tent at a carnival, just so she can watch the sun rise from a Ferris wheel. She's wanted on four counts of arson. She consumes a live ferret at every meal. You know the type.

2. She can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, and never let you forget you're a man . . . unless you mess with her golf clubs. Then, she'll crack your head open with said frying pan.

3. She's manipulative, clingy, and jealous of anyone who even looks at her guy. Everyone can see that she's an insane psycho. Oh, and she's killed hundreds of men over the years, but it's not as bad as it sounds, since she's immortal.

4. She's the kind who would stick a huge bag of pot in your underwear drawer and call the sheriff to tell him you're a drug dealer. When you're arrested, she means to call and let the sheriff know it was a practical joke, but somehow she never gets around to it.

5. She's sexy and she knows it and she's the kind of girl who wouldn't be caught dead at a football game but who will happily move in on the quarterback just to annoy her roommate who has a crush on him. Also, she's sleeping her way through law school.

6. She's tall and tan and young and lovely and when she passes, each one she passes goes, "Ah." Also, when she walks she's like a samba that swings so cool and sways so gentle, and when she passes, each one she passes goes, "Ooh."


Original Version

Meg Carter sees her first fairy when she's twelve. [Insert joke here.] By the time she gets to college, the supernatural doesn't seem that important anymore. Sure, she talks to dryads and bribes gremlins so they don't steal her date's keys, but there are other things to think about, like friends, [boys,] classes, [boys,] and the horrible girls her brother Fred brings home on vacation. The hidden world just isn't that big a deal. [Also, you tend not to run into as many gremlins when you're in college as you did when you were a kid.]

Except that now there's a weird parasite out in the woods. It's magical, it's scary, and it eats people. Meg knows, because a dryad warns her—but dryads don't talk anything like humans do. [Not sure what the point is there.] Meg and her friends aren't even sure what this thing looks like. As they try and fail to track it down, Fred gets involved with his worst girlfriend yet. [I Googled "dryad," and I gotta say, the image results are interesting. Apparently there are bad dryads, and there are the kind of dryads you want to just stare at for hours. However, I tend to think that no matter what kind of dryad it is, if it tells me there's a magical parasite that eats people in the woods, I'm gonna find an excuse to stay out of the woods. Why is Meg trying to track it down?]

Eva's manipulative, clingy, and jealous of anything [Are you sure we're not talking about Eva Longoria?] that takes Fred's attention off of her. Everyone can see that she's a psycho—except for Fred. But Meg doesn't have a lot of luck convincing him of that. [No guy likes to be told his girlfriend is a parasite.] Besides, he's always had bad taste in women, and he's always gotten over it. [If you get over something, you don't have it anymore.] Meg figures Eva will go away eventually. She certainly doesn't connect her to the parasite in the woods.

Then Fred disappears.

When Meg goes to look for him, she discovers Eva's real nature: immortal, insane, and extremely powerful. [How do you discover that someone is immortal?] Like mortal men have done for hundreds of years, Fred's gone to her world. Like them, he'll die there, horribly, when Eva finds a reason to doubt his love. And she always finds a reason.

A Certain Kind of Girl is a 93,000 word urban fantasy novel. Much of it takes place at Brown University, which I attended for four years. [I'm not clear on the setting. Fred brings home horrible girls on vacation. Including Eva? Where is home? Are the woods at home or at Brown? Do Meg and Fred both attend Brown?] I currently work as an editor at O'Reilly Media. [Can you get Evil Editor on The O'Reilly Factor? I have a few things I need to say to that guy.] "Higher Education," a short story which involves some of the characters from A Certain Kind of Girl, will be published October 1st, 2007 in Spacesuits and Sixguns.


Notes

Is there anything supernatural about Meg? Does everyone have the ability to see fairies and gremlins?

Parasites are better off keeping their hosts alive, not eating them. Sharks and zombies eat people. Which leads me to ask if people are the parasite's host.

You make it sound like Fred is doomed. Does Meg make an attempt to rescue him?

As they try and fail to track it down would be better stated As they try to track it down--and fail--.

I think I'd leave the parasite out of the query. Drop the second paragraph and start the third one: When Fred gets involved with his worst girlfriend yet, manipulative, clingy Eva, who's jealous of . . . This would leave more room to tell us what Meg does when Fred disappears.

New Beginning 337

Tom Blesset cradled the body of a dead bird in his hand and stroked the feathers with his thumb. It was a thrush, though why it had died he didn't know, for there were no wounds on its mottled plumage.

He carried it over to his special place, the only part of the paved back yard that couldn't be seen from the windows of the kitchen or back bedroom, tucked between the outside toiled and the compost bin. It was an altar of sorts, made from a slab of marble that was once the hearth of a gas fire he'd taken out five years ago and never replaced. At the back of it was an old mirror, angled slightly so that it reflected both the sky and the two pots of flowers on either side.

It was a naïve offering to someone he only hoped existed; a crude altar to fantastical beings that he'd only read about in books.

Tom placed the frozen thrush upon the chipped surface of the altar and studied the bird's curvature in the mirrors, the way its feet mimicked the shape of the flowers. Only his friend Janey knew of Tom's bizarre faith. He began the ritual:

"O unto you honest publishers, trustworthy agents, and kind editors. It is I alone who still believe in you. Answer my--"

No. Enough. Tom broke off and considered what he was doing. It was time to admit the truth and grow up. There were no such beings.


Opening: Rachel Green.....Continuation: Pacatrue

Face-Lift 397

Guess the Plot

The Librarian

1. Hard-driven lawyer, Jake, is defending two small businessmen against a corrupt, Enron-like, corporation. Researching the case, he finds himself spellbound by Libby, an attractive law librarian. As the case heads to trial, he questions whether she's assisting him or his opponent.

2. Librarian Madeline Pierce has it all . . . except a man. But when she starts feeling that she's being watched, even stalked, she puts romance on hold. Also, a 90-pound baby.

3. Detective Roscoe Butt follows the clues in a string of grisly murders. The list of suspects is virtually endless until Butt notices the overdue fines lodged in the victims' throats. Can he close the book on this one before The Librarian strikes again?

4. By day she is timid and bespectacled, shelving books and picking up after the hordes of messy kids in the Children's Room. But after dark . . . shh! Check her out at the Pussycat Strip Club, tossing spectacles and tweeds, bumping and grinding as . . . The Librarian.

5. Ex-Navy Seal, Dave Zepper, has seen things that still keep him up at night. Now, he just wants to live out his golden years, seated behind the front desk of the Library of Congress. But when Saudi terrorists break in to destroy a sacred Shi'a text, Zepper realizes that only one man can check them out . . . The Librarian.

6. Mildred Boggsley shelves books and answers questions in the library of quaint, quiet Eppingham-by-the-Sea. But when a book-banning movement rears its ugly head, and Mildred's boss, old Mr. Loxford, dies a suspicious death, Mildred must take on his secret identity to fight for free speech. She must become . . . The Librarian.


Original Version

Dear Agent:

I am writing to request that you consider my 80,000 word manuscript The Librarian for review and representation. I am querying agents who represent both Chick Lit and Contemporary Romance genres, in hopes that I will receive feedback about where this work might most comfortably fit. [You're unlikely to get it. Fortunately Evil Editor is here to help. Answer the following questions:

Is the heroine on a diet?
Does she wear Blahniks?
Does she work in Manhattan?
For a women's magazine?
Is she feisty and sarcastic?

If I'm not describing your book, it must be a romance--assuming the hero and heroine eventually overcome seemingly insurmountable obstacles and live together happily ever after.]

Confident, quirky, Madeline Pierce believes she has her life under control—she is the youngest Head of Reference in the history of the Richmond County Library, [Man, they keep stats on everything these days.] her 3 bedroom, 2 bath “fixer-upper” with original hardwood floors, located in the heart of the river district, is shaping up nicely, and thanks to her newly discovered dog whispering talents, Baby, her 90 lb lab/boxer mix is much more manageable. [Psst, Baby . . . don't maul the neighborhood kids anymore.] The only piece missing is a partner to share it all with. She’s not looking for perfection in a man, just someone who is motivated, self-aware, has similar interests, and who won’t make fun of her wardrobe. [Her last boyfriend was Mr. Blackwell; it didn't go well.] Jack Bishop, the library’s audio-video specialist/weekend rocker has great potential.

But, after Madeline finds the first in a series of strange, black and white photographs hidden between the pages of a rarely circulated book, peculiar events, that are not part of Madeline’s “big picture” begin to cause her some concern—a missing file, muddy footprints outside her window, and the sense that someone is watching her. As Madeline intercepts the photographs, one by one, the short messages written on the back, oddly loving and threatening at the same time, [I love you . . . to death; I killed them all for you; Your heart will be mine . . . when I rip it out of your chest cavity and eat it.] seem to be directed towards her. She struggles to understand their meaning in relation to the events unfolding around her and the possible connection to a menacing figure from her past, the secret she’s kept hidden from family and friends. [Vague.]

As she battles the sense of paranoia and fear that threatens to shake her carefully constructed foundation, she finds herself attracted to an unlikely candidate for her affections-- Evan Payne, an aimless, aging, mama’s boy, whose most recent accomplishment has been to cut back on his partying. [One doesn't normally think of a mama's boy as a party animal.] Plagued by an unknown stalker [The ghost of Melvil Dewey] as well as her attraction to a man who is definitely not her type, Madeline’s future is put on hold while she comes to terms with her past.

Inspired by my strange, but wonderful, neighbor (a librarian), the plot unfolds within a fictional public library and picks up on issues of library culture. [Should homeless guys be allowed to sleep in the library, and if so, in what sections? Would more people use the library if they got rid of the books and showed first-run movies? Should Evil Editor's books be in every library, or would the incessant laughter be distracting to patrons?] It also touches on themes of harassment, both physical and psychological, but most importantly, it’s a love story. [If it's most of all a love story, that's not coming across. It doesn't sound like Evan is the hero, but Jack is barely mentioned. I'm guessing this is romantic suspense, since there's so much mystery/thriller querritory.]

Although my MFA is in visual arts, I studied creative writing with J(famous author) [Not James Joyce?] at the graduate level. I am a new mother and an Associate Professor of Art. This is my first manuscript, however, I am looking for representation from an individual who will assist me in planning a writing career. Thank you for taking the time to consider this query.

Sincerely,


Notes

It's longer than necessary. The Evan paragraph can go. Most of the last paragraph can go. And much of the plot is wordy. It would be easy to remove a few words from most of the sentences, leaving a much tighter description.

Are all the photographs hidden in books? There are too many books in a library for her to keep happening upon the few containing photographs.

Perhaps it wouldn't hurt to mention what the secret from Madeline's past is. And something about the romance.

New Beginning 336

The great hall fell into silence. The sudden absence of noise came so quickly and intensely that it made Rol's skin crawl. A pervasive fear had sprung upon every living thing in the hall; Rol could see it in every face he looked into. Even the hulking man to his right had a nervous look about him.

A figure swept through the archway and strode towards the center of the floor. It was a man, tall and gaunt, with a thin mustache and a small patch of beard on his chin like a dagger. His eyes were sunken and almost as dark as the tendrils of hair crowning his head. He wore a black suit of sorts, made of a thick material that crunched as he walked.

"We welcome his imminence, Lord Paril to the floor," croaked the head councilman, striking the gavel lightly, as if not to offend the man far below.

"Thank you, councilman," said Paril artificially. His voice had a cruel, mocking inflection. "It is always a pleasure to be in the presence of my loyal servants."

The large man to the right of Rol gave a small snort but remained still.

Paril spread his arms wide and cast his gaze upon the hundred or so beings seated around the great hall.

“Ambassadors, councilors, generals . . . ” Paril’s voice was rich and the distant walls of the great hall gave it an extra depth. “I have today received a communication from Corquin. The Niracs have surrendered.” A ripple of approval traveled through the hall. “We are triumphant.” The ripple became a wave. “We have conquered the twin planets of Miranden.” The shouts and cheers from the audience became deafening.

Paril waited for the noise to abate before continuing. “After seven long years, the war is over, and . . . ” He lowered his arms and looked around the hall; his voice fell and he shrugged. “That’s about it. We’ll pay you ’til the end of the week. Be sure and clear out your desks, and, ah, thanks for all your help. Couldn’t have done it without you. Really.”

The great hall fell into silence. Their fears had not been unfounded.


Opening: Nick Berggreen.....Continuation: Anonymous

Face-Lift 396

Guess the Plot

Rain on the Dust

1. Country singer Lady Winters had one hit--the haunting 'Rain on the Dust'. Now she's been approached by a young singer who wants to do a cover. But can she let go--and see her beloved autobiographical lyrics turned into droning hiphop noise?

2. During the Dust Bowl, three sisters--Molly, Sadie, and Sarah--decide to brave the road to California. Will they find hope and love, or only despair? Also, a guardian angel.

3. Small-town reporter George Keevers is looking for the big story that'll get him a job on the Washington Post, so he goes to Thailand to report on a typhoon. When he runs out of money, he has no choice but to rely on the kindness of his Evil Editor if he wants to get home.

4. Pamela Gleeb has given up on housekeeping. But leaving the windows open night and day has a downside when the storms hit her tiny village, and she finds herself buried in mud up to her pretty neck. Will the handsome hunk from the Fire Brigade dig her out?

5. Widow Kate Darby runs the only saloon in tiny Dos Banos, out in the wilds of Arizona. When Frank Jeffers is shot and left for dead in the street, she decides to save him. But to do that, she'll have to disguise him while his enemies are in town. Will they notice the strange new girl at the saloon?

6. A storm's coming. But Great-Aunt Muriel's urn just fell out the window onto the front lawn. Can Joanna Frisby sort aunt from lawn in time, or will it . . . Rain on the Dust.


Original Version

Dear Agent or Editor

Vietnamese Amerasian teenager Tran Thi Mai is stigmatized by her mixed race and abandonment by her soldier-father. Mai's bitter aunt unfairly blames her sister's death on Mai and presses her into a harrowing overland refugee journey from post-war Vietnam, across Cambodia, into Thailand. In Thailand, Mai finds a kind social worker, Mother Agnes, who arranges a stabile life for her with an expatriated Vietnamese farm family. However, a typhoon shatters that stability. Because of a personal myth surrounding her mother's death, Mai stands against the typhoon to learn if rain controls her life as it seems. [Not sure what "stands against the typhoon" means.]

Meanwhile, George Keevers, a dissatisfied small-town reporter in the US, makes an impulsive trip to Thailand to chase a typhoon story, to tweak and impress his "Evil Editor," Shelly Lyon (whom he loves/hates). He craves a career-defining story to pave the way to his beloved Washington Post [/New York Times]. He hears odd tales about Mai's behavior during the storm and smells his story. (Alternating viewpoints have allowed the two main characters to converge at this place/time without confusion.) [No need to boast about pulling off this feat.]

George is astonished by Mai's mixture of grace and fatalism. [grace/fatalism] Feeling like a waste of oxygen, he raises his ambition to a life-defining story about Mai. Mai's adoptive family asks George to return her to Mother Agnes due to the storm's devastation. But Mother Agnes is outraged that George would remove Mai from a family for a threadbare refugee aid station. George finally admits his desire to take Mai home with him. Mai casts her lot with George and they go to Bangkok [where Mai is kidnapped and sold into sex slavery.] to face the tangle of international emigration and refugee laws. George has only a few problems: he has no more money or credit; he's single; [This is an immediate problem? Or he just wishes he weren't single?] and worst of all: he'll have to make double-nice with his Evil Editor to get back home.

Rain on the Dust is a YA historical novel complete at 40,000 words that is imbued with humor despite its setting [and despite the fact that I've made it sound about as funny as the Bataan Death March]. I have found little YA fiction about Amerasians. My writing credentials are mostly for professional technical publications. Thank you for your time and I hope you will want to read the complete manuscript.

Best Regards,


Notes

The personal rain myth isn't clear, and seems more important than the backstory we get at the beginning. You could begin: Ever since she drowned her mother in the Mekong River, Tran Thi Mai has theorized that water is the dominant influence in her life. When a typhoon strikes Thailand, Mai is there to test her theory by braving the storm in a rowboat with no umbrella.

Then move on to George, and how he writes Mai's story and tries to take her home. I realize the book may be largely pre-George material, but unless it's a biography of Mai, your story seems to start with the typhoon. If they make it to the US, give us something about that, especially if it includes teenaged friends/classmates, as right now it doesn't sound like YA.

Getting rid of Cambodia and the refugee camp and Mother Agnes will help make it conceivable that the book is loaded with yucks.

New Beginning 335

On an autumn day more glorious than the inside of a cathedral, Harold Waterman wandered through Laverstone woods. His fingers, trailing across the rough bark of beeches, told of the easy summer that had tailed off with the arrival of the equinox. He breathed in the heady scent of ripened crab apples and rowan berries on the rim of the forest as the squabbles of hungry starlings echoed through the trees.

He reached the edge, the gloom fading as the trees thinned. The path that separated the forest from the rough brush and stone bluffs of the Cheviots ran south to the Royal Park and north into the hills, where it petered out into little more than a rabbit trail. His whistle brought a wolf pushing past his legs, its weight threatening to topple him into a copse of sloes. Thorns plucked at his jacket.

The trilling of a songthrush soothed Harold's concerns about his upcoming exams and his need to find a job. Before Goddess Nature, all worries evaporate with the dew. He checked his scribbled notes: yes, this must be the place. Sunbeams punctured the woodland canopy creating great colonnades of light to guide his way.

He heard voices ahead, laughter; the others must already be there, celebrating the season's change as the Gods intended. Harold quickly sloughed off his clothes. A woodmouse skittered warmly across his foot as he stepped into the clearing--his joy, perhaps, a little too pronounced--and into silence.

"Ah, um, is this the Druids' Festival?" he asked.

One of the women coughed. "No, it's the Senior Women Ramblers' Picnic," she said. She looked him up and down. "But do come join us for dessert . . . "


Opening: Rachel Green.....Continuation: Anonymous

Face-Lift 395

Guess the Plot

Her Dress is Darkness

1. Nudist Shelly Wellter is too demure to sunbathe, so she moonbathes at night. But her sweet shyness is no match for Bull Grumby's ardor - and his flashlight.

2. Physicist Moira Wartby is determined to make a splash at the company picnic. But the dress she fashions from a Black Hole does more than draw people to her.

3. Lynn hopes her Vampire romance novel, 'Her Dress is Darkness', is a bestseller. It has to be, because she poured her soul into it . . . literally.

4. To Walter, Lydia is sunlight, cloaked in a shroud of darkness. But when a strange black frog bites Lydia, Walter discovers an evil lurking beneath the shroud. Also, a dragon.

5. She likes to say she's in mourning for her life, but Bianca's black gown is neither a fashion statement nor an homage to Chekhov. It's pure Evil in wearable form. Unless Trevor Weiss can get her to take that dress off, Bianca could lose her soul with one swish of her taffeta ruffles.

6. In the cutthroat world of fashion design, Ellen DeLong has always been second rate. That is, until she makes a deal with Satan and gains the magical Shears of Endor.


Original Version

Her Dress is Darkness:
(95,000 words, dark, literary fantasy with epic overtones)

To eleven-year-old Walter, Lydia is sunlight in a dark place: a lone, caring presence in the face of his unstable mother and missing father. Together, they explore the innocent woods of their quiet valley and make up stories about a huge, brown blade left in a hidden copse. [No need to attach an adjective to every noun. The more you use them the less powerful they are.]

When a strange, black frog bites Lydia in the wood, [Bites her in the wood? What is she, a marionette?] Walter discovers an evil lurking beneath the shroud of the old Priory, an evil rooted in magic and Making, buried in his forgotten bloodline. [How does her getting bitten by a frog lead to him discovering an evil at the Priory?] Secrets conspire to return him to a lost world, [Return, meaning he's been there before?] a world belonging to a terrible Queen of ancient lore, a world where innocence is devoured. In the land of Temeres, nothing is as it seems. [Of course, we don't know how things seem, so it doesn't help to tell us we're wrong.] Dead gods stir in the Groves of the Deep, preparing for a return to the world of light, [Define "dead." Apparently it doesn't mean what I thought it did. Will the gods return as zombies?] while an eleven-year-old boy, a wooden knight, a glass dragon, and an ancient warrior strive to protect what remains of purity. Lydia has been taken, her soul trapped within the Queen's far tower. But nothing—not the Pale Queen, nor her hunger, not her Darklings or her beast and the Drum of its Heart, not even her cursed, immortal knight [All right already. Nothing.] —will keep Walter from fulfilling his promise.

He will find her. And he will bring her back. [I doubt it. He's eleven. The Darklings will stop him.]


Notes

How come Groves of the Deep is capitalized, but not the world of light? How come Making but not magic? Darklings but not beast? Queen? Priory? Drum of its Heart? Seemingly random capitalizing could get annoying if it's book-wide.

This reads more like an ominous prologue than a query letter. Try telling the story in everyday prose, rather than poetry. If that doesn't work we can go for a combination of the two, but this version, while it has tone, isn't telling me clearly what happens in the book.

New Beginning 334

Too-Early o'clock came around far too quickly, as far as Jasfoup was concerned, and the sound of heavy metal coming from the speaker of his clock radio was not the most soothing in the morning. He focused bleary eyes upon the tuner. That was certainly not the station he'd tuned into before going to bed last night, he preferred the soft music of the golden years and the dulcet, cultured tones of radio three. This was some local radio station where the announcer spoke in a mixture of street patois, broken English and broad Scots, sounding like a Glaswegian who had spent his formative years on an oil rig manned by skateboarding Australians. Tempted as he was to hit the snooze button, he instead turned the radio off and stood up stepping, as his foot toucked the floor, upon the stub of a pencil.

“Bugger in Hell,” Jasfoup ejaculated. A low groan drew his sticky gaze to the usually unoccupied other side of his bed where a not-quite-slim mound terminated in a shock of multi-coloured, frizzy hair. Memories clawed their way forward: images of a bar, or two, and a Scottish truck-driver girl and too many beers to count and driving rock music and rough hands grabbing his arse while a rough tongue inspected his mouth and, Jesus, what was that itch below his belt line?

“You’ll want ta watch where you’re walking,” a lilting mumble told him. “Dropped all me stuff over there.”

“I found it,” Jasfoup said and scratched himself. What had he told himself? Quit the drinking or--

“What time is it, darlin’?” The bed mound moved; the morning light was unkind.

Jasfoup looked at the clock again. “It’s just after Too-Fucking-Late o’clock,” he said.


Opening: Rachel Green.....Continuation: ril

Face-Lift 394

Guess the Plot

Singleton

1. When Dmitri Federov is badly injured, his twin brother takes his place. But going from pair to singleton isn't all it's cracked up to be--especially when your opposite number was an irresponsible, deceitful druggie.

2. When newly-crowned World Backgammon champion Gavin De Leon is found dead with a single backgammon piece plunged deep in his throat, his murder exposes the cut and thrust of the turbulent world behind this apparently sedate game.

3. John Singleton's life was a disaster: three marriages, four arrests, countless jobs. Can the mysterious woman he meets at church help him out of his rut--or is she just a demon looking for an easy soul?

4. Alone in a world inhabited by Multiples, Al Fishton is bullied and teased at school, until the Dark Triplets descend and an ancient prophecy is uncovered. Now he must take up his destiny as . . . Singleton.

5. Always a bridesmaid, never a bride, yada yada yada. Microbiologist Helen Drew is a closeted lesbian, and sick of being jibed at by her relatives for her single state. But she shows them, when she develops a virus that attaches to the Y chromosome, turning men into women.

6. CIA agent Shane Singleton thought his cover was blown when he heard someone whisper, "singleton." He slipped his hand into his pocket and palmed his piece. He swung around . . . and shot a bridge player 'tween the eyes.


Original Version

Dear agent:

Sash Federov expects he'll live and die in the shadow of his identical twin. Dmitri is dynamic, charming, and irresponsible: everything Sash is not. And everyone loves him. Sash has never expected this to change, and he's never really wanted it to. He'll gladly lead Dmitri's crowd of admirers. At least he has a front row seat for the madness.

But a soccer accident leaves Dmitri badly injured. [No, no, it's the fans who get injured in soccer, during the post-game riots.] [Most soccer injuries are faked anyway, like this: ] Now Sash is on his own, trying to find his identity in Dmitri's world of parties, drugs, and deceit. Can Sash take his brother's place? [You mean actually impersonate him? Does Dmitri want him to? Why?] Or will it take more than genetics to really understand all that Dmitri is?

Singleton is a quiet, honest, coming-of-age complete at 50,000 words. I believe it's subtle humor and absolutely fresh view of teenage life make it a perfect match for your needs in young adult fiction.

As a young writer, I'm able to write about teenagers in a way that's original and accurate. However, I am not inexperienced; My first novel, The Sublime, was accepted by Cantarabooks in January and will be released in September.

I've enclosed the first five pages of Singleton , and the remainder of the manuscript is ready for your review if you're interested in taking a look.

Sincerely,


Notes

The only thing that happens in this book that's worth reporting is a soccer injury? We need more than a description of the main characters, we need some plot. Why does Sash want to take Dmitri's place? Doesn't everyone know about Dmitri's injury? Why is Sash happy being around Dmitri? If he's not irresponsible and into drugs and partying, I would expect him to be highly uncomfortable hanging around with Dmitri.

It sounds more like he enlists in Dmitri's army of followers than that he leads them.

It's better to give us more facts about the plot than to use words like "subtle," "original," "perfect match," "absolutely fresh." Convince us it's these things without stating it. Besides, if you say it's an accurate depiction of teens, and then claim it's original and absolutely fresh, it sound like you're saying you're the first person to accurately depict teenage life.

Soccer players practicing their fake injuries