Miss Snark: A Retrospective

Miss Snark has made the pages of this blog more times than I can count, but sometimes she's the star, as in the following posts:


Evil Editor's Vacation Disaster, #9

Evil Editor's Vacation Disaster, #13

Evil Editor's Vacation Disaster, #15

Evil Editor's New Year's Eve Visitor, #3

New Beginning 120

New Beginning 216

New Beginning 261

Detective Story #1

Detective Story #6

Miss Snark's Blind Date

New Beginning 278

When I was a little girl, I held my breath when we drove past cemeteries. Dad always said that the ghosts of the dead would get into my lungs, take me over, and drag me back to their graves. By the time I was seven, I understood it was just his ghoulish game, a sly trick for keeping my two raucous brothers quiet, at least for a few seconds. Now, nearing forty, I stood outside the front door of John Muir Medical Center, and I felt again that powerful need to hold my breath.

Through the years, luck had kept me away from hospitals. Other mothers became emergency room regulars, rushing in for ear infections, broken arms, even whooping cough. I came only for deaths and births. Amber had been to the hospital just once since she was born—Nathan brought her because I was stuck in a meeting—and by the time I saw her she was already convalescing at Baskin Robbins.

My feet were rooted to the spot. My eyes pointed at, but failed to focus on, the sign indicating the way to the emergency room. But my mind was elsewhere. It's funny how things all come together, random events coalescing into unexpected thoughts. With my now-grown daughter in emergency surgery, my thoughts were on that long-ago morning in Baskin Robbins.

It could have been the effect of the cold ice cream on her sensitive stomach. It could have been my attempt to cheer her up with my cemetery story. All I know is, if Amber hadn't puked up the oreos and milk she'd had for breakfast, the Baskin Robbins sign would still say "30 Flavors."


Opening:.....Continuation: Anonymous

Couldn't decide where to take my vacation

Couldn't decide where to take my vacation. Finally it hit me. The tourism industry has to have taken a big hit recently in Iraq, so why not try to give them a boost? Big mistake. No theme parks, no golf courses, no spas. And the heat. Okay, it was a dry heat, but still. And I like the beach as much as the next guy, but a million square miles of sand and the only glimpse of the ocean crawling with oil rigs? It was even worse than three years ago when I vacationed in Afghanistan. Anyway, the good news is that there's a wireless network here at the Baghdad airport, so I managed to get out the query below while waiiting for my flight. I'll be on planes a lot tomorrow, but soon the blogworld will be totally back to normal. Or have I missed something?

EE

Face-Lift 336

Guess the Plot

A Time to Say Goodbye

1. Pert Susie Martin knows exactly what time it is when the appletinis wear off at the bar, and she finds herself chatting with Mort Hurmp about his insurance business.

2. When your yappy little dog shits on the neighbor’s carpet; after your mother-in-law says hello; right before the waitress brings the check.

3. Southern belle May Lynn falls in love with the preacher, but she's already engaged to her cousin. Which of them will she tell that it's . . . Time to Say Goodbye?

4. Not when he set fire to her Manolo’s. Not when he threatened her with a Ka-Bar combat knife. Not even when he shaved her head in the middle of the night. But when he melts her Lyle Lovett CD collection in the oven, she realizes it's . . . Time to Say Goodbye.

5. When Buster the Turtle dies, Marge has to face explaining mortality to little Timmy. When Timmy finds the concept difficult to grasp, Marge finally finds a way she can make her fat, lazy husband useful . . . as another example.

6. The Craddocks are hospitable, but the Morleys have no concept of time. Norma Craddock snores in the recliner while her husband is already under the covers upstairs. But the Morleys, still at the dining table recounting their latest vacation, don't realize it is . . . A Time to Say Goodbye.


Original Version

Dear Editor

From researching your website, I learned that you are looking for historical inspiration novels. My novel, A Time to Say Goodbye, is a completed 70,000-word novel about a young white woman from the Old South who becomes an abolitionist. While traveling through England with her family, May Lynn, the daughter of a wealthy plantation owner, falls in love with Michael, an aspiring preacher. This causes conflict within her family because she is already betrothed to her cousin, through an arranged marriage. A plan to elope meets with disastrous consequences, which include her rape and Michael's disappearance. The pain inflicted on May Lynn from the rape, opens her eyes to the sorrowful life of the slaves on her father's plantation. [Some people have to experience pain to discover the awful truth: it hurts. Other people are able to figure this out from the screaming and moaning that accompany the whippings.] She embarks on a career of helping slaves while she tries to heal from her past.

There are many novels on the market about Southern Belles who become abolitionists; However, the young ladies in those novel usually for no apparent reason believe slavery is wrong. [Slavery? Wrong? Where do authors come up with these ridiculous characters?] My novel presents a believable reason why a Southern Belle would forget her upbringing and pursue freedom for an enslaved people. [So, if a woman lives on a southern plantation, surrounded by slavery, it's inexplicable that she would come to believe slavery is bad, but if some guy rapes her while she's touring England, the truth dawns on her?] [Idea for another novel: same story, but instead of becoming an abolitionist, the woman invents the telephone and starts England's first rape crisis hot line.] A Time to Say Goodbye is my first novel. However, I have worked as an editorial assistant for the North Carolina Literary Review. I have a MA in Literature and have studied creative writing at East Carolina University. Thank you for looking at my query. I will gladly send you the rest of my manuscript.

Sincerely,




Notes


I'm guessing that at the time this is set, a trip to England took two weeks each way. Plus they're over there long enough for her to fall in love with a guy? Who's running the plantation during the three or four months the family is in England? How much contact would a woman traveling with her family have with one guy if she's touring the country? Is May Lynn's cousin part of the troupe? Is Michael traveling with them for some reason?

You don't need to answer all these questions in the query, though they do occur to the reader, so you might clear up some of them. You probably have room to touch on what her helping of slaves consists of, as well. Does she help them escape? Work to get them better conditions? Is this close to the war, or well before?

I'd merely stick with the facts (her cruel treatment opens her eyes) rather than imply that books in which heroines simply realize that slavery is wrong are somehow inferior. That few southern belles tried to do anything about slavery doesn't mean few knew it was wrong.

New Beginning 277

Kumari could see Mike’s lust in his eyes as she knelt in the waves, her crisp, white shirt unbuttoned down to her string-bikini bottom. It was a transition she’d watched many times before: the photographer would at first look at her with professional interest, posing her with an eye toward selling that precious bottle of perfume, or that perfect pair of shoes, or the little Gucci handbag you barely noticed dangling from her hand; then, the poses would get more provocative. Eventually, she’d realize she was posing entirely for his pleasure.

A gust of wind riffled through her hair. She clutched her shirt closed over her breasts, using the white linen like a bra to give her cleavage. Mike’s face glowed with approval as he snapped a few quick shots. Then, with a sultry, teasing grin on her lips, she let the wind tear the shirt from her fingers. Mike lifted his eye from the viewfinder and stared, hungry for her even as he tried to hide it. Without even looking in the viewfinder, he took a quick photo, then swallowed hard.

"I think that’s a bit over the top for this shoot," he told her. But he would print that photo; she was sure of it.

"Are we finished?" Kumari asked. She started buttoning her shirt.

"That should do it," Mike answered, though the bulge in his pants said he wouldn't mind continuing. He shook the sand off his shoes and dropped the camera into his bookbag, and said, "Thanks a lot, Principal Wornstaff. The yearbook editor's gonna love these."


Opening: Jenna Black.....Continuation: Takoda

Writing Exercise

Private eye, private cop, private dick. Call it what you like, it's a tough business. It's also my business. If you want to hire Frank Malone, you have to pay for him. And I don't come cheap. But then, the best never is cheap.

When you grow up on the mean streets, you learn to take care of yourself, or you're liable to wake up in a gutter--if you wake up at all. My mom, God bless her, did her best to keep me honest, and I wish she were still around so I could thank her. Unfortunately, she ran off to Rio the day I turned six, and I never heard from her again. Anyway, let me tell you about one of the most puzzling cases in my files. It involved Evil Editor. Ah, I see you've heard of him. No, no, it won't take long. I'm a man of few words. About 300 words, to be precise.

Face-Lift 335

Guess the Plot

Turning 51

1. All the kids know that Arnie pasted Miss June's Playboy photos to pages 52 through 61 of the school library's copy of Huckleberry Finn. When the principal starts to read the book to the seventh grade honors English class, hilarity ensues.

2. After his wife is strangled, 50-year-old Bruce finds a million dollars in her suitcase. Should he mention this to police detective Mort Meeker? Or will it give the suspicious Meeker the motive he's been looking for, assuring that Bruce will never be . . . Turning 51?

3. Etta Morble gets a windfall from Social Security when her real age is revealed. But 90-year-old Etta uses it for an Extreme Makeover, so once again she can claim to be . . . Turning 51.

4. Carlotta needs one more trick for a set of steak knives and membership in the exclusive 51 Club. But her pimp, Tully Del Monte, wants her to move to the lower east side, where there are no steak knives, no hip hooker clubs, and where Turning 51 is just another night on your back.

5. "OK, double or nothing again that THIS one is the Ace of Spades!" So spoke Monte MacIntosh just before he lost the family fortune to Ace Johnson, professional card shark and amateur magician. I'm Monte's sister, and I'm going to get our fortune back . . . one way or another.

6. The eternally youthful Queen Calaffa has a secret--she drinks the blood of women over fifty. If she doesn't she will lose her beauty . . . and her crown. But an underground movement is starting to fudge birth records to save women from the terror of . . . Turning 51.


Original Version

Dear EE,

Inspired by a real story, TURNING 51 is a finished 100,000 word mystery set in Big Woods, North Carolina where two conspiracies collide. One prevents the solving of a 16-year-old cold case of a murdered cop. The other seeks to put a husband accused of murder behind bars for life, or worse.

Heather Neumanski is dead. Acerbic Detective Mort Meeker accuses Bruce, her resourceful, but perplexed husband, of strangling her. The District Attorney forces reluctant Lieutenant Tony Dobson to arrest Bruce. When inexperienced public defender Chad Ratcliffe gets Bruce released the same day, the DA is irate. But freedom without vindication traps Bruce emotionally between mounting a defense and mourning his wife. [That's a lot of characters already. If you just said, Heather Neumanski has been strangled, and her husband Bruce is the chief suspect, you'd eliminate the information overload, and leave more space for important stuff.] [Just to make sure everyone's been paying attention, here's a quiz. No looking back. Match each character with the correct adjective.

a. Tony Dobson.....................1. resourceful
b. Mort Meeker....................2. acerbic
c. Chad Radcliffe...................3. reluctant
d. Heather Neumanski........4. inexperienced
e. Bruce Neumanski.............5. irate
f. The DA...............................6. dead
g. The Wizard........................7. perplexed

When Bruce finds nearly a million dollars and a handgun in Heather's locked suitcase in the attic, he can't tell the cops. [Not without embarrassing the cop who searched the attic, anyway.] The money fits their motive for her murder. The IRS claims Heather wasn't who she pretended to be. When the police don't seem to care who she really was, [The police are claiming Bruce killed her for money, yet they don't care what the IRS has to say?] Bruce investigates Heather's past regardless of the results and unaware of the one person who will do anything to ensure the past stays buried forever. [The gun is the one that was used to kill the cop. The money is blackmail. The cop killer killed Heather. I watched enough episodes of Perry Mason to know that blackmail is always the motive. By the way, we're much more likely to believe someone can solve a case if his name is Perry Mason than if it's Mort Meeker. Did you ever wonder why 007 is so famous, and 008 you never hear about? "James Bond" sounds cool. Babes aren't impressed when you say, "Meeker. Mort Meeker."]


[Title origination: The story starts the morning after Bruce Neumanski turns 50 and most everything ends shortly before he's to turn fifty-one. At some point in the middle of the story he laments that he hopes that when he turns 51 things will get better.]


Notes

It seems that if two conspiracies collide, you might talk about each of them a bit. There's not much here about the cop killing or how it's connected to the other conspiracy. In fact, there's not much about why it's considered a conspiracy against Bruce. I mean, when your wife gets strangled, you're bound to be a suspect. Didn't you see The Fugitive? Is there evidence upon which Meeker bases his accusation of Bruce?

If you conspire to frame a guy for murder, shouldn't you plant enough evidence to assure that he won't be released the same day he's arrested? These are some ham-handed bunglers involved in this conspiracy.

If Meeker's the detective, and he's accusing Bruce, why doesn't he arrest him?

Is this the kind of mystery that has several suspects? If so, who else wanted Heather dead?

We might become more emotionally involved if we know there's a ton of evidence, that Bruce is possibly being held on trumped-up charges. Releasing him immediately releases me from worrying about his problem.

Face-Lift 334

Guess the Plot

The Wanderer

1. It was his song; it was her song; it was their song. And hearing the cover band butchering "The Wanderer" on the night of their anniversary pushes Christine over the edge.

2. "The Wanderer" arrives,
From another time and place.
Lilly falls in love with him,
He takes her into space.
But then the ingrate ditches her!
The guy was just a bum.
All men are jerks no matter,
What planet they are from.
They're all wanderers. Yeah they're wanderers.

3. Harry roams New York’s sewers, battling twenty-foot alligators flushed decades earlier by irresponsible pet owners. Yeah, they call him the wanderer, the wanderer, he roams around around around around—but who the hell else is gonna clean up this mess?

4. Denny’s the type of guy who’ll never settle down.
His ex-lovers stalk him as he roams from town to town.
When they suddenly attack with cleavers in the night,
Janie takes his left arm, and Mary takes his right.
He nearly escapes from all the fuming rest,
But they reach inside his shirt and pull his heart out of his chest.
He's through wandering . . .

5. Larry's new gig as a Dion impersonator is taking over his life. When he gets slapped with a sexual harassment lawsuit, can he blame the lyrics of "The Wanderer" for hugging and squeezing girls who don't even know his name? They call him The Wanderer. Yeah, he's a wanderer.

6. It's midnight in the Produce Section.
Got nowhere to go.
I push my empty shopping cart,
Around from row to row . . .
Didn't I see a commercial for microwave artichokes?

7. Wilbur went out shopping, got an early start,
Biggest box store ever, Super-Duper-Mart.
When he finished shopping, he wandered all about,
Couldn't for the life of him, find the way out.
Now he's a wanderer. He's still wandering. He roams around around around around . . .

8. Mary takes her husband,
On her business trip to Rome.
While Mary's at the conference,
Frank wanders 'round alone.
In the red light district,
Checking out the chicks,
He suddenly spots Mary
On the corner turning tricks.
She's the wanderer . . .

9. She knew it was the wrong time of day to go to the mall.
She drove around the lot, couldn't find any space at all.
Desperate for a ladies room, her tushie hurts like hell.
Stuck between two minivans, way out in section "L,"
She's the wanderer . . .

10. Tokyo, Sao Paulo,
New York, and Mexico,
Mumbai, Delhi, Shanghai,
Paris, Dhaka, Seoul,
Rio de Janeiro,
Miami, Moscow too,
Jakarta and Karachi,
London, Timbuktu,
She's the wanderer,
Yeah the wanderer,
Will Miss Snark ever find George Clooney?


Original Version

Dear Mr Evil,

“Don’t worry, it’ll be fine,” they all said, over and over until she wanted to scream. But it wasn’t, was it? [She should have known better than to get a dye job at Supercuts.] The Elders had fasted and prayed for seven nights and days, and a fat lot of good that had done. Had the Change taken hold of her? No it had not. [It had, however, taken hold of the Elders, who each lost about fifteen pounds.] Had she suddenly found herself linked to the great web of Sense? No, she sodding well had not. And now it was the day of her sixteenth birthday. The last chance for her to prove herself to be normal. And she would bloody well have to try and fake it.

No-one’s ever failed to Change, and Lilly’s [We used to name girls after flowers. Now we name them after drug manufacturers.] damned if she’s going to be the first. But even indomitable Lilly finds it hard to stay upbeat when she ‘vanishes’ during her transformation ceremony. Sure, she’s still physically present, but in a world where every woman is mentally linked that’s no great comfort. She’s a freak – and she knows it.

Worse still, a stranger – a Wanderer – arrives from an outside world that Lilly’s been taught cannot possibly exist. He’s cute, no question about it, but the last thing Lilly needs are more of her convictions shattered. [Not clear what convictions you're talking about, or what will shatter them.] Surely she’s been through quite enough already? But when she discovers a plot to assassinate the charming stranger she finds herself entangled in his escape attempts and, even more terrifyingly, enjoying it.

Try as she might, Lilly can hardly deny the truth of an outside world whilst travelling in a spaceship that just happens to travel through time. And when a simple meal out turns into kidnap, imprisonment and a fight for survival, [She should have known better than to agree to go to dinner on the Gohr prison planet, Lycus IV.] Lilly discovers that while she may not have the right training or the right shoes to be a kick-ass heroine, she can certainly hold her own.

But then Wanderer abandons her back on her home planet. It’s inexplicable but that’s no help. Lilly saved his life and this is the thanks she gets? Lilly may be madly in love, but right now she’s just plain mad. And hurt feelings are the least of her troubles when she’s forced to face the people she left behind. It’s safe to say, they’re not happy…

THE WANDERER is YA fantasy novel, which is complete at 80,000 words. Whilst it stands alone, I have a trilogy planned. I thank you for your consideration of my submission, and I look forward to your response.

Yours sincerely,


Revised Version

Dear Mr Evil,

A stranger – a Wanderer – has arrived from an outside world, a world Lilly’s been taught cannot possibly exist. He’s cute, no question about it, but does Lilly need a new boyfriend? No, she does not. Not on her sixteenth birthday, the day of her transformation ceremony, her last chance to link with the Web of Sense. She sodding well has enough on her mind, doesn't she? Did I mention that he was very cute?

Then Lilly discovers a plot to assassinate the charming stranger, and finds herself aiding in his escape . . . and loving it. Especially the part where she's riding in his spaceship that just happens to also travel through time. And when a simple meal out turns into kidnapping, imprisonment and a fight for survival, Lilly discovers that while she may not have the right training--or the right shoes--to be a kick-ass heroine, she can certainly hold her own.

But then Wanderer returns to Lilly's home planet . . . and abandons her! This is the thanks she gets for saving his life? She may be madly in love, but right now she’s just bloody mad. Did she desert her transformation ceremony for nothing? Will she ever see the Wanderer again?

THE WANDERER is YA fantasy novel, complete at 80,000 words. Whilst it stands alone, I have a trilogy planned. I thank you for your consideration of my submission.

Yours sincerely,


Notes

The query wasn't bad, but a little hard to follow in places; possibly a result of trying to cover more ground than necessary. The third paragraph was loose and losing the tone. Because it was a bit long, and seems to have two plot lines that aren't strongly connected to one another, I attempted a revised version concentrating on the story line involving the Wanderer. If the main plot is not the Wanderer's, but the linking with the Web of Sense, and the Wanderer is around for only two chapters, you may want to go the other way, but I assume if that were the case it wouldn't be titled The Wanderer.

The Web of Sense? Come up with a better name.

If you must feature both plots, some tightening is possible. For instance, the words in red can be removed without affecting this passage:

And now it was the day of her sixteenth birthday. The last chance for her to prove herself to be normal. And she would bloody well have to try and fake it.

Dion performing "The Wanderer"

New Beginning 276

Above us, brittle in the gusting wind, frozen branches strained for the sun. Our horses struggled through drifts that punctuated the road at regular intervals; the jingle of the bells on their tack, which I had hoped would lift the gloom that hovered over me, instead sounded chill, and as the sharp cold of the thinning air confirmed that Joshua and I were nearing the Abbey, only the memory of my father’s words urged me forward. Father had charged me with becoming the next Contender--and with discovering what had become of my brothers who had gone before me to the Abbey of the Mirror.

Joshua, alone, had accompanied me on this, the final leg of my journey. His breath steamed before him now, leaving a dusting of frost on his graying beard. He saw how I shivered despite my furs, and passed me a coarse blanket from within his saddlebag. I clutched it to my chin.

"I fear you need this blanket yourself, Joshua," I said.

He smiled. "I have traveled on colder days, my lady."


Jingle bells: $5.00

Coarse blanket: $28.00

Horse tack: $700.00

Listening to Mother, who said don't listen to Father: Priceless


Opening: Jennifer French.....Continuation: takoda

Face-Lift 333

Guess the Plot

Black Butterflies White Fences

1. Can Mike Buchanan, a severe ADD sufferer and international spy, remember his enigmatic password without the help of his meds? And what’s on the line if he can’t? Well, just a little thing called . . . the WORLD!

2. In this alternate history, General Mills incites race riots in 1962 Golden Valley, Minnesota when they choose inappropriate marshmallow shapes for their new kids' cereal, Lucky Charms. Sambo the Cuckoo Crow, who’s “wiggin’ for Darkie Puffs,” doesn’t help either.

3. She's rich, white, and married. He's single, black . . . and her son's basketball coach. Will their love lead to heartache? Or to the NBA championship?

4. In the cover of night, a band of rogue butterflies are defacing fences throughout the city. Can Detective Bumble assemble a dragnet to catch them?

5. Tasha Cohen's essay about an African-American girl's experiences in an all-white town won her a scholarship. But there's a problem: she wrote it in first person. What happens when the scholarship panel finds out she's not a sistah, but a JAP?

6. White paint is causing the rapid extinction of the black-winged air cleaner moth, but no one is listening to environmentalist Bill Blossom. Can he stop the chain of destruction in time to preserve the environment's only hope against Global Warming? Also, a talking vulture.


Original Version

Dear Mr. XXXX;

I’m writing to you because back in 1997, I sent you a query for my first completed novel; you promptly wrote back, said that I had talent and should keep writing, but that you were not “enthusiastic enough” about that particular work; [Are you going to end all your sentences with semicolons?] I misinterpreted your comment, and to my now chagrin, sent you balloons to show my enthusiasm. [Let me get this straight. You misinterpreted a rejection slip as a purchase order for balloons?] Does this sound at all familiar? [On the off chance that it will sound familiar, I recommend against opening with an admission that you're the one who sent the balloons.] [Now, are you going to talk about your new book?]

You have always been my first choice for an agent and have been keeping tabs on your agency from the time you first launched XXXXX's career, [A little research is a good thing; if you've been keeping tabs on an agency for ten years, you have too much time on your hands. ] to the more recent and previously unknown, XXXXX. I also remember reading somewhere that Mr. XXXX credits you with “plucking him from obscurity,” and may I say that I wouldn’t mind the same plucking. [WTP? Do you just like to correspond with agents who've sent you rejection slips, or do you actually have a new book?]

Your early encouragement was taken to heart and during the past ten years have continued to write, raised twin boys, completed an English degree and graduated cum laude, (I’m an RN by trade, but my heart has never been in medicine), [Nice to know that when my nurse is drawing my blood, her mind is on getting plucked.] but more importantly, have continued to work on the craft of writing and tried to learn as much as I can about publishing. [Apparently you missed the lecture on writing a query letter, possibly while keeping tabs on agent XXXX. Your book. You're supposed to be talking about your book.]

BLACK BUTTERFLIES WHITE FENCES is commercial fiction and approximately eighty-two thousand words, and is about the lasting bond of friendship and love that develops between a white married woman of means, and her son’s black basketball coach. [That's all we get? Half of a sentence? Your paragraph about Mr. XXXXX had more information. Heck, My Guess the Plot was more informative.]

I have enclosed the first thirty pages for review and appreciate your consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Sincerely,


Notes

Agents don't remember ten-year-old query letters, and until you're their client, they don't care about your life story. They want to know about your book. You're selling a product, and you need to make that product sound so interesting the agent simply must check it out. Read the other "Face-Lifts" on this blog. Then start over.

New Beginning 275

"Ow! Let go!"

A sprite giggled as it watched Lhiannan try to untangle herself from the blackthorn she'd walked into. She glared at it and carefully unhooked her white blouse from the twisted branches before brushing the leaves out of her long blonde hair. Attacked by a shrub! That would teach her not to pay attention.

She rose up into the air and looked around the glen. The craggy hills were golden in the fading sunlight, low clouds hovering at their edges. A stag stood serenely on the slope, enjoying a last patch of warmth before nightfall. Last night the Unblessed Court had been on the prowl but all was quiet now.

A smile formed on her face as she hovered near the stag. She was happy here, far away from the others, surrounded by the land she loved. Aikel would fuss at her for wandering off alone but this was where she felt she belonged. Here she was free. And here she was away from the whispers.

Or was she?

"She's nuts."

''I can't believe she got herself tangled up in the towel roll."

"Why isn't she wearing a shirt?"

"And what's she got in her hair?''

"Ewwww, gross."

The stag froze on the horizon. The craggy hills shimmered, rippled and dissolved into the weathered brick walls of Lincoln Middle School. Leanne sighed. Once again she was just a middle schooler with lunch meat in her hair.


Opening: Sylvia.....Continuation: McKoala

Face-Lift 332

Guess the Plot

Ladies First

1. As the cruise ship goes down and the lifeboats are boarded, a misogynist assassin suddenly wonders if he still agrees with his lifelong motto.

2. The ladies of the garden club couldn't have cared less when the poor people of East Aurora started disappearing--until they suddenly found themselves without their gardeners and manicurists.

3. Nobody, no sirree nobody, ever said the words "Ladies first" like I did when I yanked Coldwater Kate in front of that bullet meant for me, Bootstrap Billy. Of course, things got pretty ugly after that.

4. All his life, Frank Morton has been a rude, boorish jerk. But when the hijackers on his flight home from Thailand start executing passengers to get their demands met, Frank suddenly remembers his manners.

5. Lt. Hastings has impeccable manners, but his insistence on 'Ladies First' will come back to haunt him when he orders his squad to clear the mine field. Can the Southern gentleman get his bars back?

6. Pamela Purse, intergalactic pirate fighter, insisted that her all-male crew put "ladies first." When her ship is boarded by man-eating Djoorin who plan to feast on the crew, they are only too happy to obey her rule.


Original Version

Dear Agent,

Seven people have disappeared from their beds in East Aurora, and Monica, Effie, and Tabitha are appalled: the candlelight vigils interrupt their beauty sleep, the rallies outside the police station make them late for charity functions, and Effie's gardener (father to one of the missing) completely abandons her primroses. A week before she is to host the East Aurora Annual Garden Party, no less! [I know how she feels. Just last week my butler and sommelier gave notice just an hour before I was hosting a wine tasting. Fortunately, one of my guests was able to figure out how to operate a corkscrew, thus saving the day.]

The missing people -- blue-collar and low on East Aurora's long socioeconomic ladder -- don't have the sweet, photogenic faces the media adore, and the police aren't doing much more than shrugging and handing out missing person forms. None of this matters to Monica, Effie, and Tabitha, of course: as long as they have their manicurists, their club, and their Wednesday liquid luncheon -- a twenty-year tradition -- they will magnanimously overlook the myriad ways these missing people have inconvenienced them and made their lives virtually unbearable. Really, now; these people were poor. It's the least they can do. [I, too, would give up my luncheons and manicures and the club; just don't ask me to do without my weekly scalp massage with Jimmy.]

But then Tabitha's husband comes under investigation by a D.A. trying to change the news cycle, Effie's nail girl hotfoots it back to Taiwan, and a clue to the whereabouts of the seven missing people is placed in Monica's lap by her own perennially sleazy spouse. In response, the ladies do what they always do in the face of adversity: they try to pass the buck. No one pays attention to their anonymous letter to the police, however,

[Dear police:

Regarding the seven missing people: I have reason to believe my perennially sleazy spouse is responsible.

--Anonymous.]

and things begin looking dire. Tabitha's accounts are frozen and she's close to financial ruin, it seems that Monica may have married a kidnapper and murderer, and Effie's nail beds and side garden are disasters. It's time for these ladies, however reluctant, to solve this mystery themselves and get the heat off Tabitha's husband -- or those Wednesday lunches are history.

Ladies First is a 65,000-word satirical novel. With your permission, I would be thrilled to send you a partial manuscript.

Yours,


Notes

This was one of our better queries. Good job. I would drop this sentence from paragraph 2: Really, now; these people were poor. It makes the next sentence harder to understand. Besides, it's already been said.

I'm not sure I'd say they pass the buck. It's not clear that they ever had the buck. You could try dumping the middle of paragraph 3 and combining the front with the back, something like:

But then Tabitha's husband comes under investigation by the D.A., and her accounts are frozen. A clue to the whereabouts of the seven missing people is placed in Monica's lap by her husband, suggesting that he may be a kidnapper and murderer. And Effie's gardener and manicurist disappear, endangering both her rose beds and her nail beds. Now the ladies are left with no choice: they must solve the mystery themselves, or their Wednesday lunches will soon be history.

Clearly you've felt no need to hint at the reason these people are vanishing, or at a possible connection among the disappearances. Is it unimportant? You don't even refer to the book as a mystery. May we assume that the ladies see the light in the end? Or that their solution to the mystery is brilliant? If they merely stumble upon the solution, and remain self-absorbed, some will find it a less-than-rewarding read.

New Beginning 274

NaGesa, ruler of the Esodin, was sweating. He had angered Lord Kosa and had no one to blame for the vicious tyrant's foul mood but himself.

"My Lord--"

"I do not except excuses." A thin eyebrow twitched, the only outward sign of the wrath no doubt roiling just below the pale yellow skin. "You assured me that the Inodin race was obliterated. How else could you have squandered so many of my elite troops?"

Wincing, the lesser ruler wished he could tug at the neck of his ceremonial robes. His hands fisted, and he forced himself to swallow against the constrictive neckline. He knew better than to show throat, literally or figuratively, in Lord Kosa's throne room.

"I swear we destroyed them all, my Lord. I cannot conceive how even one escaped. We decimated the planet-bound Inodin in the initial revolt and hunted down any off-planet purgers. Perhaps the report is wrong?"

As soon as he said it, he wished he hadn’t. He knew better than to bluff Lord Kosa. His men would have the Inodins finished by nightfall, but Lord Kosa’s eyebrow twitch had suggested NaGesa wouldn't live to see it.

Lord Kosa raised his com without taking his eyes off NaGesa. “NiKaburns!” he shouted into the instrument.

The com crackled. “Yes, my Lord?”

Lord Kosa unsheathed his plasma sword. NaGesa swallowed again, his robes heavy with sweat. “Regarding the initial Inodin report . . . ”

"Er . . . " More static over the com. “About that, my Lord. All reports received in the last 72 hours are possibly unreliable due to corrupted data resulting from an undocumented feature in the OS firewall.”

Lord Kosa’s eyebrow twitched again, but NaGesa relaxed, knowing it was not twitching at him this time.

“In English, NiKaburns,” Lord Kosa said into the com.

“We should’ve bought a Mac, my Lord.”


Opening: Gutterball.....Continuation: blogless_troll

Face-Lift 331

Guess the Plot

Simone

1. She has but one wish before she dies—to kill everyone else on the planet! Simone, feisty bastard daughter of an ex-president, has gotten her manicured nails on a nuke, brother, and isn’t afraid to use it!

2. Obsessed with the drawing of a house she did, a feisty schoolgirl named Simone sets out to find the actual house--if it exists. When she does find it, the owner tries to poison her and then moves to India. But Simone hunts her down for revenge . . . or at least a reasonable explanation.

3. The heartwarming story of a feisty girl who grows up in an orphanage in a Rio de Janeiro ghetto, playing soccer with her older brothers, finally ending up scoring the winning "golden goal" in the Women's World Cup. Also, a sympathetic gas station attendant.

4. Feisty, flatulent, and totally out of control, Simone Brewster wages war on every man who ever wronged her, including Brad Wiltonhouse III, the boyfriend who left her for dead in a drainage ditch on Interstate 55 . . . and then kicked her dog.

5. Simon Cohen has been the starting pitcher for the Temple Beth Tigers for almost a year. Now the college scouts are coming around. How will he tell them he's really his feisty twin sister Simone?

6. Ollie Dunton's meditations in the Nevada desert are disrupted when a spacecraft lands beside his tent. A tall blonde spacewoman climbs out, sporting a pair of amazing ray guns. She zaps Ollie's car into a roaring fireball. This is Simone. She's on the lam from Planet 03, 27, 12. She needs 25 pounds of U238 and she's not leaving until she gets it. Also, a feisty alien dog.


Original Version

Dear Editor/Agent,

I am seeking representation for my novel Simone. The completed manuscript is fiction and 110,000 words. [Someday someone's gonna claim to have written a novel that's nonfiction; then we'll all feel stupid for having mocked those who claimed to write fiction novels.] Simone is the story of Simone Allocette, who, spurred by the image of a house she has drawn since childhood, journeys across two continents to unravel its mystery – unaware she is hunting down the links to her true identity.

In the midwest in the 1870s, young Simone Allocette becomes obsessed with the image of a house she has drawn many times. When a school assignment has her exchanging letters with an imprisoned man, she offers him a picture of the house which he claims to recognize. Believing she is closer to its meaning, Simone and her mother travel to find the house which is occupied by a woman named Anna.

[Simone: Look mom, I drew a picture of a house.
Mom: Very nice. I'd put it on the refrigerator, except refrigerators haven't been invented yet.
Simone: Can we go to this house?
Mom: It exists?
Simone: Yes, I wrote to a guy in prison and he told me it looks like one he saw in California.
Mom: Okay, I'll book a flight on Travelocity. Oh wait, they haven't invented the Internet yet. Or computers. Or airplanes. Or cars. This inmate you wrote to--are you sure he can be trusted?]

[I've obtained a copy of Simone's drawing, showing the house she and her mother were eventually able to locate. You may view it here.] Simone is at once intrigued by Anna’s affluent lifestyle and tales of great tragedy, but when she tries to find a meaningful connection with her, this woman she has only just met tries to poison her [, but fails when Simone finds Anna's cookies too dry, and surreptitiously slips them to the dog].

Led to believe she had fallen ill, it is six years before Simone learns of the murder attempt [when she returns to confront Anna, and finds the dog dead]. She then pursues an answer, but to find Anna again, Simone must board a ship to India on a journey that is long and hazardous. [Is it really worth traveling to 1870s India just to find out why some woman tried to poison you? If someone showed up uninvited at my door claiming to be obsessed with my house, I'd try to kill her too. Before she killed me.] Once there, amid the time of the British occupation, she pretends to be an English woman and locates Anna in the small village she has moved to. Staying close to her, she begins to learn the secrets explaining the woman’s past actions, and in turn, Simone learns her own past goes back to another life. [Turns out Simone, in a past incarnation, poisoned Anna, in her past incarnation. But the only reason she did so was because in an even earlier incarnation, Anna poisoned Simone. But . . . ]

Your name and information are included in XYZ publication and I believe my novel is suited to your interests. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,


Notes

Even if the kid is so talented she's able to draw a picture of a house so accurate it's recognizable to someone who's merely seen the house, I find it hard to believe her mother is going to join her in searching for the house, especially if we're talking about traveling a great distance in the 1870s.

In fact, in the 1870s, parents didn't drop everything just because their kid asked them to, like they do today. Back then they just whipped the kid.

Does Anna know this woman who shows up in her village is the girl she tried to poison? If she recognized her from a past life in the US, seems like she'd also recognize her from a past life in India, even if she is cleverly disguised as an Englishwoman.

It's a pretty inept poisoner who fails to kill a person who doesn't suspect she's being poisoned. How does Simone discover she was poisoned, six years after the fact? It was the CSI guys, right?

New Beginning 273

At low volume the television relayed tales that would have been tall had they not been true; of genocide and war, of protests and layoffs, of dictators, terrorists, presidents, and celebrities. Charlie, in a half-sleep, his head lolled off his futon's edge, fumbled for the remote and clicked these things--off.


Through barely parted lashes Charlie saw, from afar, the beautiful, knowing eyes of his mentor, or tormentor, Bella di Verona. They were bored, those eyes, bored with Charlie. He'd looked to them so often for inspiration but lately got only oppression, and the feeling he failed the challenge they issued, a challenge he'd once relished: to know and create and to be, like her. She was perfect and timeless, and perfect because she was timeless and timeless because she was perfect. Original and startling and renowned--she was sublime. She was a poster on Charlie's wall, a cheap print of the famous painting: the sole self-portrait of Bella di Verona.

"I'm going to be king someday," he said to Bella di Verona, daring her to disagree, willing her to, so that he could argue, lion-like, that no one stayed the Prince of Wales forever; but the sublime woman on the wall said nothing.

Half-asleep beside him, Camilla murmured, "Of course you are, dear."

But Bella di Verona did not look convinced.


Opening: Dan.....Continuation: 150

Face-Lift 330

Guess the Plot

The Gem City

1. After several failed attempts at finding The Emerald City, Dorothy takes her complaints somewhere less prestigious.

2. In this epic fantasy, a young girl named Doris is swept up in a hurricane and deposited in the land of Iz. Will she and her new friends, the Straw Hobo, the Aluminum Lumberjack and the Tentative Tiger be able to reach the Gem City to plead their case to the Marvelous Magician of Iz?

3. At Gem City University, a deranged demigod imprisoned for eternity is accidentally released. Legendary superheroes The Companions come out of retirement, but aren't strong enough to capture the demigod--until they enlist the aid of . . . The Dreamwonderer.

4. Architect Ted De Beers has heard all the criticism, but he believes in his cutting edge designs. The Gem City will make his name--if he can find a cost-effective way to construct buildings out of emeralds, diamonds and rubies.

5. When homicide Detective Zack Martinez is summoned to the Gem City, a huge wholesale jewelry building, he knows two things: he'll run into his ex-wife at her boutique, and he'd better bring his new wife some earrings.

6. Eve Summer stows away on hunky Rake Crenshaw's single-engine plane, only to find out too late that he's headed for the Amazon to find the fabled lost "Gem City." Can Rake save her from her ex-husband's mob buddies hot on her tail? And if he does, can he convince her that an emerald can make a fine engagement ring?


Original Version

I'm excited to be submitting my 132 000 word novel THE GEM CITY, a urban fantasy novel set in Gem City, a metropolis populated by the descendents of archetypes and fictitious personalities from Earth's literature and mythology. The city awakes to the light of a rising moon that fills the sky and sleeps during the terrifying hours of All Dark.

After an eventful evening in the Underworks collecting folklore for a school lecture, MATTY- a Shadow Elemental training at the Gem City University- accidentally releases TRIVERA, a deranged demigod believed imprisoned for eternity by the legendary Companions. [You know how on your computer, when you try to delete a file it asks you if you really want to delete that file? There should be a safeguard in the Gem City University lockup that says, Are you sure you want to release a deranged demigod into the world?] This forces the Companions out of retirement and Matty is astonished to discover the ordinary people from his life- his professor, uncle and his own father- make up the legendary Companions. But the [legendary] Companions are told that if they once again pursue this foe from their pasts, they will be defeated. [Told by whom? A minion of Trivera? A Gypsy fortune teller?]

When Trivera kidnaps the Moon goddess, FALCO, whose magical power set him aside greatly from the other Nobles he calls family, decides he owes this goddess much for befriending and helping him as a child. [Precede "Falco" with a descriptor, something like, "the wizard." As it is, it sounds like Falco's the moon goddess, whose magic helped Trivera as a child. Better yet, dump the sentence, and make Falco's appearance in the next sentence his introduction.] Falco is brought together with Matty and Elara- the half-dragon child of Matty's uncle- by the Companions, who begrudgingly relinquish their responsibility to this younger generation. [And they call themselves "legendary"? "Over-the-hill" is more like it. That's like the Justice League of America retiring, and turning over the fight against super criminals to the Rugrats.] [Not that the name "Companions," even in their heyday, was likely to strike fear into the hearts of villains.

"My plan has gone perfectly. I need only throw the switch of doom, and I will rule the world!

"Not so fast, Captain Evil!"

"Curses! Not again. Not . . . The Companions!]

Defeating Trivera is going to be far more complex than the Companions' prior experience suggests. The young three soon realize that vanquishing Trivera alone will be nearly impossible, and help from two newly arisen entities, the Dreamwonderer and Oracle, [The Dreamwonderer? Was I just mocking the name "Companions"?] will be essential. Matty must travel to Earth, the world that dreams his own, [What kind of transportation takes you from your world to the world that dreams your world?] to find the Dreamwonderer, and Falco and Elara must cross through the Lands of the Dead to the Moon to begin the hunt for the Oracle. [How do they know what the Dreamwonderer and Oracle have to offer if they're newly arisen? Where is this moon? Up in the sky? I think we need a better idea of what this world is.] The closer the young trio come to a solution, the further they find themselves from the truth. [The truth about what?] As they uncover more and more of the mysteries behind their respective heritages, they recognize that understanding their pasts is the key to averting the upcoming perils facing Gem City.

This is a multiple submission. Thank you for considering my submission and look I forward to hearing from you!


Notes

Most of the character names--and the title--seem silly or blah.

What is the source of the moon's light? Why doesn't that source light the world? Is this world real, or a dream?

What does Matty bring to the table? Do shadow elementals have super powers? The last person I'd want on my team is the klutz who released the demigod.

Matty's uncle married a dragon? Or was it just a fling?

To me, this is all over the place and needs to be reworked. It's not clear enough. Take out the stuff that leads to more questions than it answers. That will leave very little. Then add some clear information. How does the villain escape? What happens if they don't capture him? What powers do they have that might enable them to capture a demigod?

Face-Lift 329

Guess the Plot

Queen's Justice

1. Cross-dressing lawyer Chip Childers throws down the gauntlet when mob boss Guido Sicilio tries to put a hit on Chip’s client, whistle-blower Jimmy “the weasel.”

2. Rica wants only to be with her brother, but a heavenly being appears and declares her the new queen. Her first duty will be to bring to justice the advisers and lords who've already tried to assassinate her.

3. Billy-Bob just killed a man. Put a gun against his head, pulled the trigger now he’s dead. But he's reckoned without crime fighting Zombie Freddy Mercury, and now he’s under pressure. Can Festerin’ Freddy halt Billy’s rampage before another one bites the dust?

4. In the fantasy world of Diamelakasis, in the land of Vandandelia Vas'i, can Queen Lortaria d'Nandaleia convince the vleiu from the mountains to attack their common enemy, the Quensk'rik d'Kor, before they lay siege to the castle of Rue Dasselia v'Adoradun, the ancient home of her people the Chressiun d'Noria?

5. When Don Imus calls Queen Latifah a 'nappy haired ho', she gets revenge -- and then some. By the time she's done with that mumbling octogenarian, he's begging to kiss the black ass of that self-serving opportunist Al Sharpton.

6. When Queen Kilardey becomes pregnant out of wedlock, she must decide what is just: to kill the baby or to give up her throne and raise the child as a peasant.


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor:

I’d like to tell you about my 82,000 word fantasy novel, Queen’s Justice.

After her parents died, Rica wanted to stay by her brother's side and that meant becoming a swordmaster. Yet her wishes weren't consulted when Sano, a heavenly being that selects the next ruler of Santor, shows up at her sword school and designates her as the new Queen. Rica tries her best to learn the subtleties of ruling, but her high ministers keep her isolated and are less than cooperative when she tries to assert herself as a ruler. [Subtlety of ruling #1: When your high ministers are less than cooperative, have them put to death and appoint some spineless, toadying grovelers.] Then two commoners attack her…and she discovers that her high ministers and the general of her army might have been behind that assassination attempt. [Subtlety of ruling #2: If there's the slightest chance the general of your army is disloyal, have him put to death and appoint a servile, boot-licking apple polisher.]

Rica escapes the palace disguised as a mercenary. She’s determined to find out which of her lords and ministers are corrupt and which are trustworthy. [Subtlety of ruling #3: If some of your ministers and lords are corrupt, have them all put to death.] During her travels, she learns that Lord Darris is terrorizing his people. She seeks to gather evidence against him, [Subtlety of ruling #4: Evidence is for wusses; queens use the guillotine.] but no one will talk to a common mercenary for fear that Lord Darris may hear of it and kill them. [Someone talked to her; who informed her Darris was terrorizing his people?] Rica considers giving up and leaving the country, but Sano makes it clear that he will kill her if she leaves. [Why doesn't Sano kill (or at least identify) the disloyal ministers?]

Yet it’s not safe to stay, either. One of her high ministers has usurped her power and has people out searching for her. [Subtlety of ruling #5: Before disguising yourself and leaving your center of power, make sure all your high ministers have been put to death.] Rica comes across further evidence against her corrupt lords and ministers but is unable to bring them to justice without help. She finds a group of men willing to fight against Lord Darris and joins their revolt. After they capture Lord Darris, she regains control of her army, orders the arrest of those who plotted against her, [Arrest? Subtlety of ruling #6: Put those who've plotted against you to death first, then arrest them.] and is finally able to bring about the Queen’s Justice.

The full manuscript of Queen’s Justice is available upon request. A self-address, stamped envelope is enclosed for your reply. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,


Notes

It's just an outline of the plot. Instead of merely telling us what happens, try to make us care about Rica. This might require more about her relationship with her brother, how she feels when she must leave him to become queen.

If the ruler is always chosen by a heavenly being, I would expect the people to blindly accept the choice, yet they immediately start plotting against Rica. Aren't they worried about the wrath of Sano?

If there are a group of people willing to revolt against Darris, it's surprising Rica couldn't even find anyone willing to talk about him.

New Beginning 272

She clutched her glass tightly, rattling the ice around the gin.

"So what's her name?"

"Does it matter?" His eyes stayed focused on his black leather shoes.

"Yes." The word hissed out of her mouth.

"Sarah," he said.

"Sarah," she repeated. "Saaaraaaah. She from the South?"

"Georgia."

"I should have known." She shook her head. Her voice lowered into a bad drawl. "Wud you hahld mah magnolia bud whayul I whup the slaves?"

"She's not like that."

"Go on, then, tell me what she's like."

He glanced up and then refocused on his shoes. The laces were getting ragged, the toes scuffed.

"She's just, you know, a girl I met."

"What a glowing report. Just some girl." She degenerated back into the drawl. "Jus' sum gal. I jus met her an' we made fireworks on de spot. Whatta gal."

His head flew up, he glared at her.

"It wasn't like that." No response. He wilted in the silence and finally looked down again. "I gotta go."

"Yeah, gotta date? With Saaaaraaaah, jus' sum gal?"

"I gotta buy new shoes." He stared at his feet, front teeth mangling his bottom lip.

"New Shoooze? Fore y'all's date with jes sum gal Saaaraaah, yore jahjah peach?"

"Yeah," he mumbled. For the first time he noticed that the tongues of both his shoes were missing. When did that happen?

"New shoooze ain't gonna cut it with a gal lahk Saaaraaah," she told him. "New personality, maybe. New face."

"Listen, doc," he said, "for a hundred dollars a session, you could be more supportive."

"Yer right, kiddo. How's about we make it seventy-five?"


Opening: Sylvia.....Continuation: EE

Face-Lift 328

Guess the Plot

Boy of the Spiral City

1. A circuitous story of a boy who finds himself in a love triangle with a girl of the Linear City and her square of a husband.

2. Inhuman dregs, disgruntled banshees, and bi-polar robots are just a few of the evil villains trying to destroy earth. Now it’s up to a young boy to learn the secrets of Spiral City and send them into the vortex of the phantom zone.

3. When the heir to the throne of Spiral City meets the girl-queen of Conical Town and they fall in love, will Pythagoras twirl in his grave or will a pointy Romeo and a budding Juliet find happiness in the equations of life?

4. Little Jeff grew up on the streets of Spiral City breaking all 24 Pillars of Righteousness and racing his hover cart in rush hour traffic. At his Coming of Age, Grand Vicar McSweeney convinces him to end his life in ritual sacrifice since there’s really no place in Heaven for a vile little puke whose only talent is driving in circles, but then Jeff gets sucked through an inter-dimensional portal and discovers NASCAR.

5. In the Spiral City, there is no level playing field, as apprentice demonologist Finn MacDougal discovers. Will Finn learn the fine art of calling the Demons of Unfairness to aid him in getting ahead; or will he find himself demoted to dragon dung hauler?

6. With his approval rating plummeting because of the war, the king of the Spiral City resolves to help his people. So he lets a poor boy move into his house. The army rebels, the king is killed, the boy is kidnapped. Maybe he should have let two boys move in.


Original Version

Dear Mr. Evil,

I am seeking representation for BOY OF THE SPIRAL CITY, a young adult fantasy novel, about 84,000 words.

Tamicus, a boy who lives in the Spiral City of Celmor, resolves to find a way to live in the King’s House, even though he is small and poor. He waits on the streets for an opportunity to find a place with the king. [Good luck, kid. If this gig doesn't work out, try standing outside The White House hoping for an opportunity to move in.]

King Aleron is plagued by his recent failure of protecting his people: he killed an innocent farmer in a skirmish against the Nazobians. Aleron goes out to the city, determined to find a way to rectify his wrong. When he meets Tamicus and the boy asks to live in the King’s House, Aleron sees an opportunity to begin helping his people.

[Aleron: My people are on the brink of rebellion because they don't think I can protect them from the Nazobians. What should I do?

Adviser: Let that small poor boy move into your house.

Aleron: Rent free?!]

Aleron takes in Tamicus and starts to change and improve Celmor.

As Tamicus grows and Aleron changes the ranks of his wild soldiers and tries to secure peace with Nazobi, his soldiers rebel and enter into an alliance with the Nazobians. Aleron is destroyed, and Tamicus is kidnapped and taken to the land of Nazobi. The leader of the Nazobians, Quel, gives the confused and distraught Tamicus a new name: Mylo. Mylo is taught to become a bloodthirsty and violent warrior [If your name is Mylo, and you want to live, you have no choice but to become a great warrior.] and is forced to forget his King. [I forget things, but the last thing I'm gonna forget is something you're trying to force me to forget.

Do not think about your king. Got it?

Got it.

Okay . . . what are you thinking about?

My ki-- Baseball.]

But the teachings of Aleron only lay buried, not forgotten. Mylo again becomes Tamicus and returns to Celmor to continue Aleron’s work.

Thank you for your time and effort. [What? That was the big wrap-up? That's like summarizing the first 100 pages of the LOTR trilogy and then saying, And everything works out in the end.] I look forwards from hearing from your soon. [If the final impression you leave with an editor is that sentence, you're in trouble.]

Sincerely,


Notes

If Aleron was destroyed and the Celmor soldiers are working for Nazobi, it seems obvious that Nazobi has taken over Celmor. How can Mylo just walk in and start running things?

The reason we don't build spiral cities is because if you want to get from the suburbs to downtown, it can take weeks.

I would assume the plot is heavily weighted toward what happens after Tamicus is kidnapped. But the query is more weighted toward the pre-kidnapping events. I'd change the focus, to more accurately reflect what's in the book.

Face-Lift 327

Guess the Plot

Madcat Mountain

1. Jeremy has always loved theme parks, and now he designs rollercoasters that push the boundaries of physics. But when six people die of fright on the first run of Jeremy's new coaster, Madcat Mountain, he wonders if he's finally gone too far.

2. Creating a super computer out of a Nintendo gamepad and an old toaster, Dr. Kilsmore takes refuge atop Madcat Mountain where he hatches plans for a sonic-oscillating-radon-glow gun, which he--surprisingly--uses for good.

3. Toby Tupple, her long-lost twin brother Otter, a prostitute, a posse of natives riding carnivorous reptiles, and Pauley Whipstaff are all that stands between the good people of Steam Canyon and the huge demon trapped under . . . Madcat Mountain. Also, the ghost of a dead god.

4. Together Hillary Clinton and her giant pants have come a long way, but even she's at a loss for words when she encounters a mound of feline carcasses while on her way to kiss some ass at Rutgers.

5. It was a dangerous place for any gorilla less than Alpha. Grabby woke from his sex-induced stupor, slogged over to his usual hang-out, pounded his chest, and then pounded the bartender. The place erupted into mayhem. The only thing that could stop the gorilla warfare was big, hairy, mad as hell . . . and headed up the other side of the Mountain.

6. A spelling error in the travel guide sends Rita Blanchette to Madcat, an extreme skiing resort, instead of Mudcat, a fishing festival. Will she find romance, or broken bones? Also, a hunky Swedish ski instructor.


Original Version

Dear [Miss Snark],

After reading [Letters to Mr. Clooney], [Poodles & Gin], and viewing your website, I thought you might be interested in representing my novel, Madcat Mountain. It's a stand-alone fantasy/western completed at 134,000 words. [That's kind of long for a western. The bad guys ride in and terrorize the town, the Sheriff rounds up a posse of the only people who aren't afraid to leave their rooms--an old man, a teenager, and a woman whose husband the bad guys shot--and despite overwhelming odds, they win the day, with the old man sacrificing himself to save the teenager. 65,000 words, tops. Wait, it's a fantasy western. Make that zombies terrorizing the town. 75,000 words.] If you're interested, the world proved too rich for only one book, and I have two more in the works. [I was't sure at first whether you meant the world we live in or the world in your book. Also, the first phrase doesn't belong there.]

The biggest damn demon alive is trapped under Madcat Mountain, but the construction of a new railroad tunnel is about to bust him loose. His demon minions are using powers of illusion to infiltrate and control the railroad company and even the military. Most folk don't know there's a supernatural mess in the Redlands, and even fewer have the moxie to clean it up. [That last sentence can be dropped.] Enter bounty hunter Toby "Two-Penny" Tuttle. She's happy chasing bank robbers and winning bar brawls, but a mysterious summons from her pa hints about the demon infestation in Steam Canyon.

As Toby heads west, she meets her long-lost twin brother Otter ["Four Bits" Tuttle], who was raised by [otters.] their mother with the Arzaccian natives in the north. Otter confronts Toby with the demon's imminent escape, the secret of their birth, and Toby's own dormant powers. Toby is skeptical about all of it—until she gets a chance to shoot one of the demons right in its smug, toothy face, and realizes her brother isn't plum crazy after all. [While people do declare other people plum crazy, you can pull out the plum when declaring they aren't crazy--unless, of course, you're declaring that they aren't crazy about plums.] With all the benevolent gods long dead, it's up to Toby and Otter to keep the demon from glutting on humanity like a fox in a hen house. [I saw a fox glutting on humanity in a hen house once. It wasn't pretty.] The railroad's physical defenses are too good for the twins to get close enough to use their psychic demon-smacking skills, so they enlist the help of their friends: ex-outlaw Pauley Whipstaff; the disillusioned Deputy Boyd; a fugitive prostitute called ["Five Dollars"] Juniper; the infamous Doornail Gang; and a posse of natives mounted on their pet carnivorous reptiles. [What a madcap crew. Did you consider calling it Madcap Mountain? ] [No need to identify everyone who lends a hand.]

Toby and Otter must work together to enact a brilliant strategy devised by the ghost of a dead Arzaccian god, [You said it was up to Toby and Otter because all the benevolent gods were long dead. Apparently being dead isn't that big a drawback.] as well as dish out some old-fashioned ass-kickin', to save every soul in the Redlands from being devoured.

A partial or the full manuscript are available upon request. Thank you for your time, and I look forward to hearing from you.

Regards,


Revised Version

The biggest demon alive is trapped under Madcat Mountain, but the construction of a new railroad tunnel is about to bust him loose. His demon minions are using powers of illusion to infiltrate and control the railroad company and even the military. Enter bounty hunter Toby "Two-Penny" Tuttle. She was happily chasing bank robbers and winning bar brawls when she received a mysterious summons from her pa, hinting about a demon infestation in Steam Canyon.

As Toby heads west, she meets her long-lost twin brother Otter, who was raised by their mother with the Arzaccian natives in the north. Otter apprises Toby of the demon's imminent escape--and of Toby's own dormant powers. Toby is skeptical, until she gets a chance to shoot one of the demons right in its smug, toothy face, and realizes her brother isn't crazy after all.

With all the benevolent gods long dead, it's up to Toby and Otter to prevent the demon from devouring every soul in the Redlands. They enlist the help of the infamous Doornail Gang; a posse of natives mounted on carnivorous reptiles; and the ghost of a dead Arzaccian god. Now, can they get past the military troops and use their psychic demon-smacking skills--before it's too late?

Madcat Mountain is a stand-alone fantasy/western completed at 134,000 words, and I have two more books in the works, set in the same world. A partial or the full manuscript is available upon request. Thank you.

Regards,


Notes

If Otter's from up north, and Toby's from back east, how do they have all these ex-outlaw, prostitute, gang, etc. friends in Steam Canyon?

The second paragraph was a decent hook, and the first was blah, so I did a bit of rearranging.

Not clear how Otter was "long-lost" if he was with his mother. Or how they know the demon is a him rather than a her, if it's under a mountain.

I was going to put up a link to the same otter cam I used in an earlier query, but the otters are seldom on camera, so try this link to the penguin cam. If there aren't any penguins, you can navigate to other cams--if it's between 7AM and 7PM Pacific time.