Face-Lift 1040

Guess the Plot

Appalachian Trail

1. Hank always wanted to go on the great American road trip after high school. But all he could afford was a bike ride up the mountains of Tennessee.

2. 101 recipes featuring nuts and berries. Also, up-to-date hiking maps.

3. Divyanga Singh is working toward his Masters in Computer Science. To relax, he spends his weekends coding “Appalachian Trail,” a sequel to the cult classic computer game “Oregon Trail.” When Appalachian Trail becomes a hit on campus, Div suddenly becomes very popular with the ladies. But what will he tell his parents, busy arranging a marriage for him back in Delhi?

4. Biff Hardcastle’s Eagle Scout troop is hiking the Shenandoahs from Otter Creek to Humpback Rocks. Little do they know that Tara Lustig’s Girl Scouts are hiking from Humpback Rocks to Otter Creek. Will everyone be prepared when they meet on the... Appalachian Trail?

5. They thought it was just an 80's era computer game meant to teach them American history. But when an electric surge sucks Mikey, Diego, and Kim into the past, they'll be glad they learned so much about geography, the importance of proper supplies, and dysentery.

6. Hiking the Appalachian Trail was supposed to help Nate forget about his tragic past. Instead he keeps running into other hikers who are also trying to forget their tragic pasts and who insist on evaluating and reevaluating their tragic pasts and comparing them with Nate's tragic past.



Original Version

Nate Townsend is hiking the Appalachian Trail, but not for adventure or challenge -- he’s walking to escape. With each mile, he steps further away from the people and tragic cascade of events that took away his wife and young daughter, and yet the memories continue to torment him. [I can't tell if the tragic cascade of events was Nate's affair with a Bulgarian dockworker, after which his wife left him, taking their daughter, or if it was Nate refusing to carry out a hit on Carlo Gambino's wife and daughter, after which Nate's mob boss had Nate's wife and daughter killed. Or something else entirely.] As he crosses paths with other hikers and townspeople, each carrying their own humorous quirks and emotional scars, [Apparently no one hikes this trail for adventure or challenge. A therapist could set up a practice on the Appalachian Trail and retire young.] Nate is forced to reevaluate his flight and confront his past trauma. [Question for discussion: Do you have to evaluate your flight before you can reevaluate it?] Through a series of flashbacks, the cause of his tortured pilgrimage is revealed. [If only one or two of these flashbacks were in the query.] With the help of one very special woman who joins his journey, Nate must make a climactic decision about his trail’s end. [What are his choices?]

I would love for you to represent my first novel, APPALACHIAN TRAIL, a 98,000-word work of commercial fiction.

A native Southerner recently relocated to New York City, I honed my writing skills for 15 years [while trying to find my way off the Appalachian Trail.] as a newspaper reporter and editor, including at The Oak Ridger (Tenn.), Marietta (Ga.) Daily Journal, Florence (S.C.) Daily News.

I thank you for considering representing APPALACHIAN TRAIL and I look forward to your response.


Notes

One could get the impression you're trying to be as vague as possible. All these phrases refer to the same thing: tragic cascade of events, memories, his past trauma, the cause of his tortured pilgrimage. How about just telling us what happened so we can sympathize with (or blame) the guy?

This sounds like literary fiction. If it were commercial fiction you wouldn't have so much trouble coming up with a few intriguing plot points.

Here's how I think the book goes: Nate gets on the Trail in Georgia and soon encounters Boston Bill, who's hiking south to forget the tragic juggling accident that cost him his left leg. In North Carolina Nate runs into Lou, who has Tourette's Syndrome and is hiking to forget his one great love, his ventriloquist's dummy. Somehow this forces Nate to reevaluate his flight, whatever that means. Then in Virginia he meets Alison, and she convinces him to hike north to New York, exit the Trail, and become a novelist.

If you don't want me to think that's what happens, you need to provide more specifics about what does happen.

Face-Lift 1007

Guess the Plot

Safe-Cracker

1. A wafer of unleavened bread drifts in interstellar space, while the long-dead astronauts who would have eaten it moulder in their own soluble fats.

2. A parrot and a police inspector form an unlikely pair as they hunt the man who killed the bird’s owner and cracked his safe. But the killer has other plans for the feathered witness.

3. Xavier thought he was finished with crime. But when the local loan shark comes after his kid brother, Xavier will have to put his gifted fingers to work one last time. But can even he crack the TL30X6 Elite?

4. The search for a cracker that doesn't contain partially hydrogenated soybean oil, high fructose corn syrup, or even "evaporated cane juice" takes Freida Freelander to the wilds of Inner Mongolia, where she finds love with a yak herder. But still no safe crackers.

5. Zach's regular job is cracking convenience store safes. But now Harry, his partner in crime, wants to move up to high-end targets like jewelry stores. Zach would rather quit his job and become a famous artist. But is it really any easier to make a living in the high-end art world?

6. With all the unavoidable hazardous chemicals and genetically mutated garbage they put in snacks these days, Stan hopes to make a killing by marketing his gentle variety of wholly harmless crisp salty thin biscuits. He plans to decorate the box with inoffensive jokes, and enclose in each package an innocuous pyrotechnic device.



Original Version

Zach Dixon would like to quit his regular job. Cracking safes is beginning to get a little old. [All jobs get a little old when you do them forty hours a week. I would expect a safecracker to have a shorter work week, however.] But his partner and self-titled manager Harry [Nice arrangement. Zach gets the money out of the safes and Harry manages things.] has other ideas: he’s working on getting himself and Zach into Mitch Danaher’s gang. Going from convenience stores to high-end mansions and jewelry stores would be quite a lucrative accomplishment, and Harry is sure they can do it. [I don't see why they need to be in Mitch's gang to rob mansions. One or two guys can claim to be checking the gas main or the cable. It looks more suspicious if a whole gang shows up at a mansion.]

Zach isn’t sure that he wants to do it. His hobby is painting, and he recently met an art dealer who loves his work and might be able to make him famous. Besides, Danaher’s boys play much rougher than pacifist Zach likes. He starts looking for a way out. [The trouble with being a pacifist convenience store robber is that often the people who work in convenience stores aren't pacifists.]

He’s heard the only way out of the Big Leagues is through the morgue. Dying is really low on his agenda right now. But so is betraying Harry, and it’s starting to look as if the only way to quit is to betray Harry and as many of the gang as possible. [He's not betraying the gang if he hasn't joined it. Has he?]


P.S. I beg, I plead, I implore you (or anyone!) for a decent title!


Notes

The whole thing is just setting up the situation. If you condense the setup to:

Zach Dixon and his partner Harry make their living robbing convenience store safes. But now Harry wants to graduate to high-end targets like jewelry stores and mansions, while Zach wants to quit the business and become an artist. He's even found an art dealer who loves his work.

. . . there'll be plenty of room to tell us what actually happens in the book. Do they join the gang? Participate in a big heist? What goes wrong? Does the gang target the art dealer's mansion? Give us some of the plot, preferably something that makes this different from all the movies in which the guy who wants to go straight gets stuck working one last heist.

Whether you like your title or not, I assume you know it should be included in the query, along with the word count. "Safecracker" is a word, even if Blogger doesn't think so, so you don't need the hyphen or a space. I don't hate it as a title if Zach is cracking safes throughout the book. If he's a safecracker for three chapters and spends the rest of the book making his way as an artist, however... Hey, has anyone else used The Artist as a title?

Face-Lift 743

Guess the Plot

Retribution's Flame

1. Carrie Holmes rules the multimillion dollar world of vanity magazine publishing. When her rival Justin Kerr outmaneuvers her and buys 51% of her business, Carrie vows to stop at nothing to get her company back . . . even if it means unleashing the fire-breathing dragon she has staked in her cellar.

2. The concept of retribution has a problem: it's in love...with hunger. But hunger is a bodily signal, not a concept, and doesn't feel the same. Will retribution kill itself out of despair? Or will it enter the heart of a starving artist to be close to it's one true love?

3. Attila is tired of being picked on by the sons of the senators. He returns home when his uncle dies and picks up an army. Now it's pay-back time. Also, a non-talking dog.

4. When Julia loses the money she invested with real estate mogul Clay Hughes, she takes retribution by framing him for arson. Now he faces the death penalty. Wouldn't it be ironic if the method of execution were burning at the stake?

5. Pete Haskill is driving ladder truck 42 to a three-alarm fire when he realizes the address he's heading for is that of his ex-wife and her lover. Man, it's so easy to get lost in this town.

6. Tired of authors spelling his name wrong, comparing their books to classics, and looking forward to hearing from him, a New York editor sets his slush pile on fire, a conflagration that ups the global warming timetable by half a century.


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

I am seeking representation for Retribution’s Flame, a work of commercial fiction, complete at 98,000 words.

Clayton Hughes had [has] never known the fury of a woman scorned – until now.

In a desperate attempt to save his crumbling real estate empire from the ravages of an economic downturn, he [writes a book called Retribution's Flame. Also, he] teams up with a neophyte investor with a checkered past. His judgment clouded by financial pressures, he falls for Julia’s seductive charms and the troubles begin. After placing him high on a pedestal, she turns on him when he fails to live up to her impossible expectations. [This is pretty vague. What were her expectations and in what way did she turn on him?] He ends their short-lived affair and she seeks revenge. Julia’s scheming leads to arson and murder with Clay as the prime suspect. Her skillful frame-up lands him in jail facing a possible death sentence.

A series of twists and turns leads to a showdown between Julia and Clay’s daughter, Melissa. That violent confrontation ends with Julia dead and Clay a free man.

[Judge: You're free to go.
Clay: Just like that? What happened?
Judge: The woman who testified against you was murdered, so you must be innocent.]

In the end he learns that image and pretense mean nothing. Everything he ever needed had been there in plain sight – his family. [All he needed was a family member to murder the woman he duped into investing in his crumbling real estate empire?]

I am currently the consumer columnist for the Vegas Voice newspaper. In addition, I have contributed over 125 articles on various real estate topics to the Bigger Pockets Real Estate Dispatch. [Real estate. That's where the big money is.] In 2008 I self-published A Rehabber’s Tale, a non-fiction work designed to complement various speaking engagements pertaining to rehabbing and flipping real estate. [So it's like prison work-release programs, except you go to rehab centers and recruit addicts to help you flip real estate in return for a few hours out of the center, during which you provide them with booze and cocaine . . . How do I invest in your company?]

Sincerely,


Notes

If you're going to state that Clay learns that image and pretense mean nothing, I think the plot summary should show how believing the opposite led to his downfall.

It's not clear who's the villain. Calling Julia a neophyte investor who places Clay on a pedestal and has impossible expectations makes it sound like she was naive and fell for his scam, lost everything, snapped, and took revenge. But bringing up her checkered past and her seductive charms makes it sound like she was out to scam him from the beginning. Who sought out whom?

Does she want revenge because he dumped her or because she lost her investment?

Face-Lift 739

Guess the Plot

Jacks Fall and Kings Conquer

1. Cecily is the world's reigning champion at Jacks, and she's agreed to marry the first man who can beat her at her own game. King Henry dons a disguise and leaves his kingdom in the middle of a bloody civil war to give it a try.

2. His three Jacks have lost to three Kings three times, so the next time it's Harry's deal he takes out a little insurance: he declares Jacks wild.

3. Card sharp Manny Romero knew he was going to Hell for the way he treated his family. OK. That, he could handle. But playing 'Go Fish' with Stalin, Hitler & Mao for eternity wasn't part of the plan.

4. Ollie's psychic powers might be useful to law enforcement, but he has a better idea. He heads for the World Series of Poker, where his ability to telepathically see his opponents' cards should win him millions. What he doesn't count on is getting stuck at the same table with another psychic poker player who's better at it than he is.

5. In this strategic guide to poker you will learn how to spot sharks, cheaters, and new blood; how to place bets without needing a second mortgage; and which casinos have strip sessions in the back rooms. Among other things.

6. With the IRS knocking on their door, Dakota and Daphne King take their last ten grand and a Greyhound to Vegas. Dakota enters a Texas Hold’em tourney up against the likes of Jack "Sprat" Geller and Jack "Fat Daddy" Roberts. Will Dakota and Daphne lose everything, or will the Kings conquer?



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Nineteen year-old psychic Oliver White is unemployed and on the verge of eviction just one month after moving out of his mother’s house. [Usually they don't let you move in if you're unemployed and have only a month's rent saved up.] To prolong his independence, he directs his skills where they reap instant, profitable rewards [Rewards are assumed to be profitable.] – at the poker table. What begins as a desperation move for cash evolves into a journey to the world’s largest poker tournament. What he doesn’t know is that this path was chosen for him long ago; a path that leads to a divine intervention.

This is the premise of my recently completed 103,000-word contemporary novel entitled Jacks Fall and Kings Conquer.

Beginning in Chino, California and culminating in Las Vegas, [an epic journey of about 250 miles,] Jacks Fall and Kings Conquer is the story of Oliver White, a college-aged man from humble beginnings who uses his psychic prowess to play poker at a level most only dream of. With the ability to see his opponent’s hands telepathically, he sets off for the Main Event of the World Series of Poker with his financial backer, Chuck, in hopes of taking down [taking home] the multi-million dollar prize, and dreaming of setting himself, and his recently laid-off single mother, up for life. [You may as well dump the first paragraph and start with this one. They're mostly the same information.]

The discovery of another, more experienced psychic player, [I recommend making everyone in the poker tournament psychic. Wait, some of them have other ways of cheating, like they've tapped into the television feed or bribed the dealer. But every player is cheating in some way. The best cheater of all is about to collect his winnings when armed gunmen bust in and steal it all. Nah, no one would believe that.] along with disturbing dreams that press Ollie to second-guess Chuck’s motives, [Hey, I thought you were in this just to make millions of dollars by cheating at cards. Now I discover you have ulterior motives?] threaten to derail his shot at life-changing cash and force a confrontation with himself in order to redress a tragic past. [This last part is too vague.]

My complete manuscript is ready to be sent at your request.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,


Notes

This is mostly setup. One could get the impression that most of the plot takes place at the poker table, which is not an impression you want to give. The divine intervention and the tragic past are probably worth more than a brief mention. They may be what turns this from a poker memoir into a novel.

Face-Lift 680

Guess the Plot

In All the Wrong Places

1. A complete catalogue detailing every single place where Lorraine looked for love from 1992 through 2005, and a picture what she found there.

2. Amber wants to rid the world of men who touch children "in all the wrong places." So she teams up with her friends Cassie and Robin to form a vigilante trio of pedophile eliminators. But will they get their first victim before he gets them?

3. The problem with Joanie's career is geography. Every time she gets a job, disaster strikes, removing her office from the map, or at least reducing it to rubble. But she has great legs and fabulous hair, so Steve hires her anyway. Trouble ensues.

4. Joelle can't understand why her self-published romance novel isn't selling. When her mother suggests it's because the only places it's available are Billy Bob's Bait & Tackle Shoppe and the concession stand at the local cockfighting pit, Joelle looks into advertising in the Wimbledon program.

5. Elvis Midnight, vampire hunter, never gives up when stalking his prey. What he can't figure out is why a vampire is living in the middle of the Sahara.

6. Rosie likes her new boyfriend, except for the fact that he has no idea what he's doing in bed. So she enlists the help of sexologist Peter Patel—only to discover after a few sessions she's in love with him. Will she have the courage to tell Dr. Patel how she feels, or will her boyfriend continue touching her . . . In All the Wrong Places?


Original Version

Dear [specific agent]:

I’m querying you because you are ‘drawn to a conflicted protagonist trying to right some wrong.’ [That's too vague for your opening sentence, even if it is taken from the agent's website. If you describe a good story in which a conflicted character rights a wrong, the agent will be drawn to it without having to be reminded that it's his/her cup of tea.]

Over-achieving and insecure, Amber dreams of saving children from abuse by ridding the world of pedophiles, but she wonders if she’s prepared to risk her marriage to David—he defends the justice system even when it fails.

[Amber: Unbelievable. According to Time, DNA evidence proved that yet another innocent man went to the electric chair.

David: Hey, they all had their day in court.]

Veterinarian Robin, a grieving widow, cannot euthanize an animal without feeling Roman Catholic guilt; she wonders if she can risk eternal damnation. Car dealer Cassie doesn’t wonder at all. [At least you have one realistic character.]

Over dinner and laughter, they devise ten rules for committing the perfect murder. Rule #1: Convicted pedophiles only. Rule #2: No connection between huntress and the pedophile or his victims… But what if dinner party rules don’t work in real life?

To test the rules and her resolve, Amber stalks a suspected pedophile [Suspected by whom? What happened to Rule #1?] and discovers an outlet for the anger that threatens her marriage. She doesn’t know her target tortures his victims to death. She never imagined he would threaten her life and David’s. Now it’s too [late?] for regrets. To save David, [She actually wants to save her pathetic pedophile-sympathizer husband?] Amber and her friends must ignore the rules and eliminate the killer before David discovers their secret. [I would think eliminating the killer before he kills them would be stronger motivation than eliminating him before David discovers their secret.]

IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES is currently the #1 all-time favorite on HarperCollin’s authonomy® website. [That's like saying, When the opening of my novel appeared on Evil Editor's website it got more positive comments than any other New Beginning.] [Also, that should be "HarperCollins's".] [Also, this leads one to wonder why HarperCollins hasn't snapped it up.] Hollywood screenwriter Michael Grais (“Poltergeist” and Stephen King’s “Sleepwalker”) says, “This brave novel goes beyond ‘Dexter’ and ‘Death Wish’ and asks whether vigilantism is ever right. Great movie potential.” [Not clear why a Hollywood screenwriter is being quoted. You can worry about film rights later, or adapt it into a screenplay, but whether it would make a good movie isn't going to matter at this stage of the game.] Scenes from the novel have won two contests sponsored by the Canada Council for the Arts and BC Arts Council in the literary and crime fiction categories.

For the many parents who worry about their children’s safety, IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES explores their fantasies of vigilante justice. For me, a corporate lawyer, vigilantes are the stuff of thought-provoking novels. EPIPHANIES, my book on the fiction-writing craft, will be published early in 2010 by AMADIS Publishing LLC (website under construction.) [Actually, your qualifications to write a book on the fiction-writing craft would make better credits than the fact that you wrote one.]

I have attached the first chapter of my novel and inserted it following this query in case you prefer not to open attachments.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Yours sincerely,


Notes

What exactly is threatening Amber's marriage? Her husband's refusal to take the law into his own hands?

I found the perfect murder discussion the most interesting part. Maybe you should open with something like: Over dinner and laughter, three women devise a formula for committing the perfect murder--little realizing they'll soon have a need for that formula.

After that you can tell us who the women are, and it won't feel so much like a list of unrelated items.

Unless you bring up how the veterinarian's guilt and the car dealer's lack of it affect the murder plot, you can leave that out and just identify them by occupation or as Amber's friends. Those tidbits feel like random facts as presented.

Face-Lift 619

Guess the Plot

Probation

1. He missed 9 years of his son Timmy's life, so when Jack Wiggins gets out of prison he vows to go straight, taking a job working for Bud's Tree-N-Grass. But a deadly secret lurks below that turf!! Now Jack will need all his gangster skills to save Timmy from . . . Mole Man!!!

2. When she gets released, career shoplifter Sally Mayfield decides to put her skills to a new use -- retail security consultant. But can she resist the urge to pocket a few loose lipsticks?

3. A gang of talking rats that live in the sewers of old London befriend a young pickpocket and bring him baubles in exchange for stories about the wide world. When he gets hauled away to the orphanage the rats embark on a dangerous journey across town to rescue him.

4. Guy Stall should be facing the death penalty, but thanks to an incompetent prosecutor, his murder charges are dropped and he is released on probation. Now it’s up to Assistant DA Caroline Simmons to uncover new evidence that can reopen the case and ensure justice is served . . . before Guy strikes again.

5. Stacey's on probation for drunk driving and Takara's on probation for talking to a demon. Their worlds collide when Stacey reads a book about Takara in this anime series told backwards.

6. College has ups and downs. Last semester, she was the party queen. Now Chrissy-Ann must get an A in every class, or be expelled.


Original Version

Dear EE,

Can true goodness exist outside fantasy? Can it even exist there? [You're a day late if this is your all-questions query exercise.]

Stacey Chambers wishes her life could resemble the lives of the heroes in her favorite stories. Unfortunately the path to goodness always seems to elude her. When this introspective under-grad is shamed with legal troubles, she escapes in Probation: The First Saga of OniRue, [She escapes? Clarify.] a new anime series shown in reverse-chronological order. [The entire series is in reverse chronological order? So technically, this is the last Saga of OniRue.] [Is the first line of the book "The End"?] [What do you mean, "shown" in reverse order? Is this a book or a film?] [I think you should completely reverse the order of the sentences in the query.] [This is gonna annoy those people who always read the end of the book first, when they find out you've given away the beginning.]

In Probation, Takara is probated from her demon-hunting clan for showing gratitude towards Nanashi, a half demon who saves her life. [Could you define "probated"?] Niceties to demons [and half-demons, apparently] are punished by probation and exile, regardless of circumstance.

But no punishment can dissuade Takara from using her training to rescue the land of OniRue from the evil demon king. She travels to his castle with Nanashi and the monk Makoto, [Change their names to ShaNaNa and Tomato, and you have a winner.] both of whom fall in love with Takara and work to convince her that the other is unworthy of her love. [When your only suitors are a half-demon and a monk, it's time to consider lesbianism.] When Takara learns Makoto is right and that Nanashi has been working for the demon king all along, she knows the penalty for Nanashi’s deception must be death. [She knows this because it already happened back in chapter 1, thanks to everything being in reverse chronological order.]

Instead of being the real-world equivalent of a monk [which is . . . a monk,] or a demon huntress, Stacey is a convicted drunk driver, and on top of that, a liar. Her dad was killed by a drunk driver, and her mom would disown Stacey if she knew about the arrest, so Stacey hides it from her. She also keeps it from her boyfriend Mike, who expects perfection from her despite his own disregard for rules and laws.

When Stacey fails and both Mike and her mom find out about her arrest, she hides from their anger in new episodes of Probation. [Hey! What happened to Tomato and ShaNaNa?] [What do all these people have to do with the land of ObiWan?] But when she learns her cousin has been having an affair with Mike, she knows hiding is no longer an option and that comfort will only come after imposing the ultimate penalty. [Which is killing them all?]

Probation: The First Saga of OniRue is my first novel and is complete at 99,000 words. It’s half commercial fiction and half fantasy, with the chapters alternating between Stacey’s story and the reverse-flowing episodes of Probation. Though it stands alone it is the first in a planned series, the second of which is in development.

Thank you for your time and consideration.


Notes

So the only connection between Stacey and Takara is that Stacey read about Takara in a book? That's not good enough. This is two books.

I think you need to make it clear why the fantasy book is backwards. Backwards is confusing enough, but mixed in with a frontwards book . . . I enjoyed Memento, but it took some effort to follow it, and if after every scene they'd edited in a scene from The Dark Knight, my head would have exploded.

I was going to suggest focusing on one story line or the other, but I suppose it'll go badly if an agent is expecting a story of redemption and every other chapter is about demons and castles, told in reverse chronological order. Why not make it two books? They'd both be short, but as you're planning sequels, you should have enough material to expand each of them.

Terms like "in development," "new episodes," "shown" and "new anime series" make me think TV show. And since anime is Japanese animation, that's what most will think. But I don't get the impression this is illustrated or in screenplay format. Is this supposed to be made into an animated series? The part about Stacey doesn't strike me as anime. Not that I know anything about anime.

What do those questions at the beginning have to do with anything?

Face-Lift 604

Guess the Plot

Fate's Guardian

1. Sometimes bad things just happen. That seems to be the case for Fate Donnelly ALL THE TIME. So, when the new kid at school claims he's a guardian angel come to keep her safe, Fate just laughs. But, now he seems to be everywhere she is; and wherever he is, things are surprisingly . . . normal.

2. Though Gil Jacobs is fated to die in a car crash, a ghost wants to keep him alive in order to take his soul. Can the soul of one of his friends save Gil 's soul by making sure his body is mangled and crushed in a horrible wreck?

3. Khathakas thought watching over Apollo's children was a lousy job. Now he's been promoted: he has to keep Fate herself from harm. Also, a talking owl.

4. In an effort to dam the flood of doorstopper fantasy novels featuring prophecies and chosen ones, agent Kris Nelson valiantly takes on the mantle of Fate's Guardian, forbidding the use of destiny-based plot devices.

5. The Earl of Wheaton was well known as a wastrel. But when his long-lost schoolmate, dying of fever in Canada, writes to beg that he care for "my little girl," he reluctantly agrees--only to find himself saddled with a green-eyed, bewitching minx named Fate, who seems determined to upset society as thoroughly as the Earl once did.

6. Courtney Wilde is an ordinary prep-school girl--until she inherits the Mantle of Fate. At first it seems like fun: she can set up her favorite teacher with the guy of her dreams, and stuff like that. But when Courtney screws up, things get bad fast. Luckily, the position comes with a Guardian. And he's a hunk!


Original Version

Dr. Evil Editor,

Gil Jacobs must die in order to save his soul. After living dozens of lives over hundreds of years, the events of Gil's past are catching up with him, and he is powerless to prevent it. [How many dozens of lives? My calculations show that a mere three dozen lives with an average age of 57 at death would have him alive about fifty years before the birth of Christ. In which case you can say thousands of years.]

Gil is supposed to die in a car crash, it's his fate, but a ghost who knew Gil in a past life is trying to keep him alive as payback for a lost love. [He's already removed the spark plugs from Gil's car.] If Gil lives past today, he will not be able to cross over when death eventually claims him, and his soul will be ripe for the taking. [What does that mean? Does the ghost have a soul of its own?] If Gil dies, he will escape to his next life and the ghost's chance at vengeance will be lost. [Why? Can't the ghost seek vengeance on Gil's next incarnation?] [If the ghost can prevent a car wreck, seems like he could also cause one, and would have caused Gil to die last week or last year.]

Fortunately, Gil is not alone in his struggle. The soul of a friend watches over him, and she alone has the capacity to keep the antagonist at bay long enough for Gil to die. [For she is a former mechanic and has a brand new set of spark plugs.] Even if it means sacrificing her own soul.

FATE'S GUARDIAN is complete at 120,000 words. It is a supernatural thriller directed toward a commercial fiction audience, and first in a series titled Destiny's Will.

I have been writing professionally for business for the past eight years, including copywriting, press releases, and proposals. I welcome the opportunity to add "published novelist" to my repertoire. Writing is in my blood and I want my stories to be read. [I hope you won't think I'm a hardass when I say that lines like that never influence me. Well, not in a positive way, anyway.]

I chose to query you after reading your blog and realizing that your style of review should find ample room for comedic commentary in the query above and the synopsis that follows. That, and I have thick skin and I think I can take it. I am also hopeful that I may learn something from this endeavor.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Regards,


Notes

Apparently Gil's soul survived his dozens of previous deaths. So the theory is that even when you die and your soul comes through it fine, you keep coming back and your soul is once again at risk? Seems like after you've lived enough lives there'll be so many vengeance-seeking ghosts who think you wronged them in some past life that your soul won't stand a chance.

How come when Gil dies he comes back in a new life, but his friend who watches over him remains in soul form? Is it better to come back or to just be a soul?

I assume Gil is unaware that he must die to save his soul. Thus the book's conflict seems to be between the two entities who care what happens to Gil. Are they corporeal? Can they communicate with Gil? Shouldn't they be the key characters in the query, with their names and details about their relationships with Gil included?

I guess I'm more bothered by the book's world than by the plot itself. In this world, if you die when fated to die, your soul is saved and you move to a new life where you must again die when fated or lose your soul. Apparently it's not a given that you will die when fated; if it were, Gil's soul friend would see no need to intervene. Does that mean if I'm fated to die in a car wreck when I'm twenty but a snowmobile accident kills me at nineteen I lose my soul?

Possibly the average person doesn't wonder all these things, but just in case, it's probably best to say as little as possible about stuff you don't have room to explain. Basically, tell us that the spirits of two people who knew Gil in past lives are battling, one to save his soul and the other to steal it. Then you might tell us how Gil stole Pierre the Ghost's woman in the French Revolution and how Miranda the Soul grew up with him in medieval Scotland.

Face-Lift 600!

Guess the Plot

North American Primates

1. It's about men. Need I say more?

2. Homo redneckus. Homo thuggus. Homo canadiansis. These are just a few of the primates you'll meet in North America.

3. It's a dating jungle out there, and a girl needs to know her way around the wild life. This book is your own trusty wilderness guide to stalking and landing the alpha male, and making him your prime mate.

4. Maria is investigating the university's fraternities for the school paper. She thinks the members absolute animals, especially the President of Sigma Phi. He's practically an ape. So why does she find him so attractive?

5. An introduction to the unimaginable past, when warm-blooded bipeds roamed the continent, before the Great Release that freed cockroachkind from the constant terror of squashing.

6. After encountering a massive animal at his campsite, Clay Sturgeon immerses himself in the Bigfoot phenomenon. But will his new obsession put a damper on his already meager social life?

7. When Judy Higgins takes her shaggy new dog to get a trim, the clippers reveal the true identity of the beast: her long lost son, Jeff. Hilarity ensues as he resists psychiatric treatment, chases cars, and seems to be a total misfit. But then the town is taken hostage by international terrorists, and soon everyone realizes the boy-dog is their only hope.

8. Forty years as a wilderness guide, and Shorty still couldn't afford to retire. He'd got pretty sick of the soft city slickers who ordered him around. So when the aliens wanted to complete their collection of North American stockbrokers, attorneys, and middle managers, Shorty hired on without a second thought.

9. Amos Lee McAlverson, the world's leading televangelist, sets out to disprove evolution once and for all by creating North American Primates: a reality TV show where humans and apes live in mutual captivity. Unfortunately for Amos, in a house with no rules, the apes aren't the first to start flinging poo.

10. Archeologist Spencer Philby Twickingham discovers the fossilized remnants of a civilization in what is now Simi Valley, and pieces together a people's struggle from petrified dung and cave drawings.


Original Version

Dear Mr. Editor,

I discovered your website in the 2009 Novel and Short Story Writer's Market, and through your blog I've discovered that you and your cronies can turn dogmeat into Miracle Whip in terms of raising the quality of a reeking query into something acceptable. I'd like to tell you about my 53,000 word novel, North American Primates.

Cryptozoology is the study of hidden animals, [I love that. Here's a pretty cool hidden animal puzzle.] some mythical, some simply waiting for the scientific light of scrutiny to illuminate their invisible lives. North American Primates studies a suicidal man who embraces a mystery to justify his own invisible life.

Clay Sturgeon is a small town recluse who has had an encounter with a mysterious animal, a massive, reeking thing [with muttonchops] that lurks just beyond the firelight at his campsite in the Adirondacks. [Probably just a damn bear.] Convinced that the animal was not "a damn bear," as his friend would have him believe, Clay immerses himself fully into the Bigfoot phenomenon, [I don't think Bigfoot exists. Maybe it's a Wookie.] but his new obsession creates havoc in his already meager social life as an eccentric group of characters, from hippie cultists to high school rejects, invades Clay's world with the promise to bring him closer to discovering meaning in a secluded life where love is as elusive as a legend. [Is Sturgeon suicidal because his wife left him? Is he a recluse because the girl he was attracted to laughed at him? What's love got to do, got to do with it?]

My novel wasn't intended for a genre audience, though with the popularity of shows like Monster Quest and Fringe, I expect that they'll be near the front of the line. I'm looking for a wider readership than that, and I think anyone who enjoys unconventional contemporary authors like Junot Diaz or Chuck Palahniuk will be entertained by the flamboyant characters and sharp dialog that shape this story. [Instead of tossing out TV shows the editor doesn't watch and authors the editor doesn't read, just say, My novel is for Bigfoot fans and non-Bigfoot fans alike.]

I've included the first three chapters for your consideration and a SASE for your response. I'd love to send you the complete manuscript at your request.

Sincerely,


Notes

If the guy's a small-town recluse, I would expect him to stay at home all the time--yet he goes camping (Does he live in his campsite? If so, I'd call him a hermit, not a small-town recluse.)

Also, I wouldn't expect a recluse to have a social life, even a meager one. Apparently he has enough of a social life that making time to chase Bigfoot plays havoc with it.

Less about whom it's for and more about what happens, please.

The title, as you no doubt intended, sounds like a textbook. I don't like it. Clay Sturgeon and his Quest for Love and Bigfoot sounds more interesting.

Face-Lift 591

Guess the Plot

The Dinosaur Diaries

1. Monday: run, run, run, roar, roar, eat. Tuesday: run, run, run, roar, roar, eat. Wednesday: run, run, run, roar, roar, eat. Thursday: Bit cold today.

2. When her abusive husband Jimmy leaves town for a work project, Stormy uses the oven to hatch some dinosaur eggs. But does she have time before Jimmy gets back to train her allosauruses to kill him?

3. Ty Rex finds a time machine and travels to modern New York City determined to make good, but the youngster finds that it isn't easy being a forty-foot monster in a human city.

4. When the Jonas Brothers do a revival album of Enrico Caruso's Biggest Hits, newly licensed detective Patty James suspects foul play. Can a twenty-something save face while rescuing a boy band from the evil machinations of the Dinosaur Daddies from Planet Aendestick?

5. First it was sky lizards taking over New York, now a school of velociraptors are swimming up the Thames, eating everyone in sight -- everyone except Bruce Gupta, bicycle rickshaw guy. When his load of tourists are gobbled mid-ride, he speeds toward Parliament, knowing that only he can save the world.

6. Undergraduate intern Takota Jones gets a spectacular new hair color and matching tattoos and discovers her bosses are older than King Tut -- actual fossils! Using her connection to the corporate iphone network, this skinny rebel promptly takes control of America's Largest Bank and has her best year ever driving it off a cliff.


Original Version

Dear Agent:

What happens when a lonely 18 year-old newlywed uses Indian magic to hatch out dinosaur eggs in her oven?

Stormy Marks is just 18 when she runs away from her abusive home to live with Jimmy, a young man visiting California with his brothers. After a quick Reno marriage, she finds herself living in a trailer in a bleak Montana compound with the abusive Jimmy. [She "finds herself" living . . . ? Did she run away to live with Jimmy, not realizing he lived in a bleak Montana compound?] After he gives her some dinosaur eggs, Jimmy leaves to work on a distant job. [Some abusive husbands apologize with flowers. Others with dinosaur eggs.]

Desperately lonely, haunted by strange dreams, Stormy confides in her neighbor Susanna Black Fox, a Crow lady. She gives Stormy some medicine dags [That's Crow for peyote buttons.] and tells her to try the oven for the eggs. [I'd go with the frying pan, but either way, I like my eggs fresher than 150 million years old.]

To her surprise, Stormy soon has four baby Allosaurus fragilis running around her home. [Can you litter-train an Allosaurus? Because in a few weeks you're gonna need a litter box the size of a swimming pool.] Susanna's grandson Paul arrives from college, and Stormy quickly falls for the gentle giant.

But what will happen when the greedy, dangerous Jimmy returns? Will he sell the dinosaurs--or worse? [How does one go about selling an allosaurus? The classifieds? Wait, I know. Ebay.

Told in the form of Stormy's diary entries,

[April 14th

I named the allosauruses today: Big Al, Killer, Tiny, and Kowalski. Tiny's the big one. Killer's the one who ate Susanna's herd of cattle. Gotta get the roofing company out here to repair the hole where Tiny's head went out. Maybe I should keep them outdoors now that they're all three times as tall as the trailer.

April 15th

Suzanna gave me some more of her medicine dags. Suddenly I don't care that while I was at the grocery store the kids ate the trailer.]

"The Dinosaur Diaries" is complete at 80,000 words. May I send you some of it?

Thank you for your time.


Notes

Abusive family and husband versus dinosaurs. Hard to tell if this is for adults or boys, if it's litfic or slapstick. So tell us.

If you have four carnosaurs in your trailer, are you really gonna worry that your husband might sell them? Is she unaware that they will eventually be Godzilla?

Face-Lift 582

Guess the Plot

Holiday Lords

1. Sunol, California, 1998. Jeff Dunley and Mark Morris are engaged in an all-out, take-no-prisoners, no-holds-barred war between their rival Christmas Tree farms.

2. They're known as the Holiday Lords: the gorgeous people who spend their days luxuriating on beaches, and nights partying at exclusive clubs. And Brian has fallen in with them. Can the one woman he trusts help him confront the dangerous secrets behind the veneer of the Holiday Lords -- including what fuels their glamorous, but sinister empire? Or is it too late for Brian?

3. When Santa's henchmen get tipsy on grog left beside the tree on Christmas Eve and end up busted for burglary, they soon realize the only way to survive incarceration is to form their own gang. They can't be "elves" any more. So they pierce their substantial pointy ears and swagger around, calling themselves the Holiday Lords.

4. Halloween, Thanksgiving, Kwanzaa, Christmas and New Years. They used to be a real drag. But now that Kris Tanrite has taken over the city, all forms of cross-dressing have been outlawed. Can the Lords of the Closet restore gaiety to the beloved holidays, or will Tanrite straighten them out?

5. Tina is beginning to hate Christmas. Every year it's the same two weeks of stress-inducing hell. Her family, in-laws, her family, in-laws. That is, until she finds out that she's married into the richest, most powerful group of witches and warlocks in the country. Can Tina convince them to halt their assault on the holidays and just relax already?

6. In Zinbumbsi, every holiday begins with the choosing of a lord who rules over the revelry until the seventh day, when he is tossed off a cliff into the Sea of Despair, and never seen again. But when beautiful sorceress Abidibia sees it is her man, Viggo, tied to the Throne of Distress, she knows this custom must end. She goes straight to the underworld to raise the fiercest fighting force Zinbumbsi has ever faced: the Holiday Lords from Hell.


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor:

Brian reunites with his lifetime crush, Veronica, and gets the ultimate invitation: to join her on vacations at international hotspots like Bangkok and Dubai. Veronica and her friends are "holiday lords" -- the gorgeous people who spend their days luxuriating on beaches, and nights partying at exclusive clubs.

He's torn between the alluring realm of the holiday lords, and an intriguing girl named Claire. She introduces him to a potent world of truth [Huh?] and diverse cultures -- from Rome, Italy, to ancient Pueblo lands in the Southwest.

When Brian loses his wallet in Colorado, he's forced to accept help from the wrong person, not knowing that the decision could cost him his life. Strengthened by Claire's encouragement, Brian confronts the dangerous secrets behind the veneer of the holiday lords -- including what fuels their glamorous, but sinister empire. [We're back to the Holiday Lords? What happened to the life-threatening decision?]

HOLIDAY LORDS is 60K words. Thank you for your time and consideration.


Notes

First of all, I don't see how . . . What the . . . ?

Alternative:

It began when racist jokes crept out. [What began?] Then came the unexplained death of their neighbor. [Whose neighbor?] When Brian finds secrets inside his girlfriend's coat pockets, [What secrets? Be more specific.] he quits his abusive job and leaves town to find the one person he can trust, Claire.

Brian's road to liberation [Liberation from what?] starts with an eerie taxi ride after his car breaks down, and continues until he meets a family in Pueblo country. They help Brian understand why he's plagued with vivid nightmares, and everything happens to him in patterns of 3.

While traveling through Colorado with Claire, Brian's wallet mysteriously vanishes. Needing food and cash to get home, he accepts help from a man who gives him a job in construction. When Brian discovers that the contractor has imprisoned Guatemalan workers as slaves, he'll have to choose between saving their lives, and his own. [Himself or some Guatemalans. I believe I know which way he's leaning.]


Notes

I think I see the problem. You're supposed to be sending Evil Editor the query you were about to send to someone who matters. Assuming you weren't planning to send multiple-choice queries to agents, you are admitting you can't tell which of these is better.

Scrap both versions and start over.

Take us chronologically through Brian's story. He reunites with Veronica. When and where does he meet Claire? What's her connection with the Holiday Lords? What's sinister about the Holiday Lords? Are they behind the enslavement of Guatemalans? There needs to be something that unifies the book. We need more than a hint. We need to know how everything ties together.

Face-Lift 558

Guess the Plot

Crummy Bread

1. Jeff and Jared have started a retro pop band, Crummy Bread. Jackie wears a 60's minidress and go-go boots when she sings. Joel lovingly restored his drum kit. Now all they have to do is find some way to escape Oaklawn Retirement Home, and they're set.

2. Britny is going to fail Home Ec again unless she can finally learn to bake. But who wants to do this dumb stuff when she could be cheerleading for the football team...and Jake Robertson?

3. A guy who pees on her boots. A porn-obsessed crybaby. A cheese thief. Sofia always seems to end up with losers. Her latest boyfriend has just given her her Christmas present: a crummy loaf of bread! Is this the final straw? Or is this what she gets for moving to LA?

4. Gene Wilkins was going to kill the Senator. Every day that man walked by, pockets turned out, a broad fake smile on his face, and an innocent shrug that said, "I have no change." But Gene knew he did. He just kept it in his coat pockets. And today, to add insult to injury, he'd only given Gene a crust of . . . Crummy Bread.

5. In Soviet Russia, standing in line for bread isn't unusual - but Ivan knows that when he gets that bread, it's going to taste like concrete. In six hours - the time it will take him to reach the front of the line - he has to plot a revolution that will make 1918 look like a tea dance.

6. Working in her parents' bakery has never been Ellen's idea of fun, and she can't wait to finally graduate and get out of this nowhere burg. But then Charlie starts coming in every morning for a bagel or a doughnut, and Ellen begins to wonder if it's really so bad spending her mornings making . . . crummy bread.


Original Version

Dear Agent,

I read that you're looking for commercial fiction and quirky voices. You may be interested in my 73,000-word novel, CRUMMY BREAD.

When her boyfriend of a year gifts her a loaf of bread for Christmas, Sofia Cera vows to go on thirty-nine blind dates chosen by others until she finds the right man. Since none of the women on her family tree have had successful relationships, she's convinced the inability to choose good boyfriend material runs in her blood (She should have realized this when her previous man was caught shoplifting cheese). Her hope soon fizzles at the realization that the stimulating new dating lifestyle she'd imagined includes a porn-obsessed crybaby and a belligerent jock who pees on her boots. On top of that, Sofia is new to Los Angeles [As she's had the same boyfriend for a year, I wouldn't call her new in town. Or is this a long-distance relationship?] and shows up for dates with heels in her purse and out of breath from the ride there on her ten-speed. [This isn't really "on top of that," it's a completely different subject. If you must tell us where she lives, you can just say, Sofia is beginning to wish she'd never moved to Los Angeles.]

After so many nights of donning tight jeans and a fake smile, it becomes clear that nobody is who they say they are. [Obviously when you're on your first date with a guy, he's not going to reveal every minor foible:


You can be annoyed when you find out your boyfriend stole cheese, but you can hardly get mad because he failed to reveal up front that he was a cheese burgler.] Just when she's about to give up, Andres sweeps Sofia off her feet and convinces her to immediately enter the unchartered [uncharted] world of cohabitation. In a rush to don the girlfriend title, she fails to notice that Andres may also being lying about who he is. Admittedly confused about her own mixed ethnicity and position in life, [What is her position in life?] she realizes that maybe she is too. With self-deprecating charm, CRUMMY BREAD exposes the perplexing things we humans do and say in the name of self-promotion.

When I'm not tucked in a corner of a café writing novels, I pen award-winning TV commercials. You can see my advertising work at _____________________ or my sketches on stage at _____________________.

I would be happy to send you the entire manuscript for review. Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,


Notes

It seems unlikely that someone who recognizes that she has been making bad decisions man-wise would agree to immediately move in with a guy. Especially a guy named Andres.

I think if you're trying to make a point about the perplexing things we say and do in the name of self-promotion, you need to provide an example or two. Not telling people your darkest secrets isn't self-promotion; it's common sense. Possibly your point is something else, that men are all liars or that some women are bad at detecting liars or that a woman can (or can't) overcome genetic deficiencies. Or perhaps it's an entertaining story that isn't trying to make a point. What you claim is the point isn't coming across in the book's description.

Possibly get to Andres faster and tell us what he lies about to self-promote, and how Sofia realizes she's done the same thing.

Face-Lift 504

Guess the Plot

Unplugged Yellow

1. When Ukrainian heavy metal band Yellow nets just fourteen sales of their newest album, they break up and each members searches for meaning in his own way: one climbs Everest, one drops into a six-month drug haze, one gets a poetry MFA, and one lives with a native tribe in the Amazon.

2. When a gargantuan meteor sails into the solar system, it impacts with the sun, sinking halfway in. The remaining mass just sits there, stuck. Sunlight reaching the earth drops by 80%. Astrounaut Tom Dangerine hasn't failed a mission yet, but can he unplug the sun?!

3. Zach is obsessed with the paintings of the hottest new artist on the New York art scene. Especially the yellow ones. Then he meets Rachel, the artist's girlfriend and becomes even more obsessed with her. When the artist is killed in a Timbuktu sandstorm, will Zach and Rachel find happiness together?

4. Lisa wants nothing to do with sparky Dave the electrician, even when he rewires her house for free. But when every yellow lead in her apartment comes unplugged, is it bad wiring, or Dave's revenge? Either way, she has to mollify him, but in the process, will she end up . . . plugged?

5. A new superhero is born when genetic engineering meets Ariolimax columbianus-- the banana slug. And boy is she peeved about her loss of habitat.

6. Like, hey man, this weed's really good. A semi-autobiographical, maybe-reality based, might-be-a-drug-induced-fantasy of life among the hippies in a Colorado Commune known only as Mellifluous Daffodil with Primrose.


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Zachary Willis, a 28-year-old contemporary art collector, becomes obsessed with the paintings of an enfant terrible who calls himself FleX. FleX is a painter [Do artists who paint call themselves painters? Seems like they'd want to differentiate between themselves and house painters. Although I had a guy paint my house once who thought he was an artist. He painted the whole house using a palette and a Kolinsky sable artist's brush; no buckets, no rollers . . . in retrospect it was quite clever, as I was paying him by the hour.] more known for singing and playing guitar in an early noise band. [It was FleX and four roosters.] They become friends and Zach also becomes obsessed with FleX’s Haitian girlfriend, Rachel Aufan.

FleX’s art career takes off, largely due to Zach. Zach is responsible for FleX’s meeting with Phil Grey, the art critic, and his art-collecting French wife, Agnés de la Façade. FleX’s paintings double and triple in value [when it's discovered that he's a mentally unstable heroin addict,] while his mental instability and heroin habit undermine everyone’s investment in him. [It's like a Catch-22.]

Phil is laundering cocaine money for the Haitian mafia by buying art in New York and selling it in Europe. [That's two unrelated references to Haiti already. What were the odds?] [Speaking of low odds: You're a respected art critic. A gang of drug-dealing punks known as the Haitian Mafia comes to you with a deal: they'll give you their cocaine profits so you can buy art, take it to Europe, sell it, bring back the money, and give it to them. And you agree to this? Are they holding your lover hostage?] Art is the largest unregulated market in the world, and Phil is cannily starting to flood the downtown art market with hot cash. FleX makes a theatrical disappearance during one of his sold-out openings; Zach and Rachel get caught together later that night in a snowstorm and become lovers. [When I'm caught in a snowstorm I'm more interested in getting shelter than getting laid.] FleX returns, briefly, and then he and Rachel leave together for her family’s empty house in the hills outside of Port-au-Prince, where FleX goes cold turkey.

FleX and Rachel descend into a folie à deux as they run to Paris, and then Timbuktu. Rachel goes to New York alone to pick up money and tells Zach she is pregnant with his child. She returns to FleX. [This has devolved into a list of things that happen. An outline. We need a logical progression with smooth transitions; some cause and effect; less what and more why.] Zach tracks down FleX’s real identity as he attempts to separate Rachel from the sacred monster he has helped to create. [Why "sacred"?] FleX dies in a sandstorm in Timbuktu the night he learns Rachel is pregnant with Zach’s child. Zach rescues Rachel, who dies in childbirth. [It's your typical boy meets girl-boy loses girl-girl's boyfriend dies inTimbuktu sandstorm story.] Willis’s true obsession is Rachel Aufan, and his need for her to choose between the collector and the artist is at the heart of this book. [If that's the heart of the book, focus the whole query on it.]

UNPLUGGED YELLOW (45,811 words) is a love triangle set in NYC, Haiti, Paris and Timbuktu in 1979-80. The same people who bought Danny Moynihan's "Boogie-Woogie" and Siri Hustvedt's "What I loved" would probably buy UNPLUGGED YELLOW. I am Editor-in-Chief at Afterart News, an art newspaper published in Paris, France. The novel is currently being serialized (I retain all rights) in Hearsight Magazine.

Sincerely,


Notes

If the book is a love triangle, the first order of business is to get rid of the stuff that isn't connected to the lovers, namely the money laundering cocaine art critic Haitian mafia stuff. The only reason to mention Phil the critic is if it was Phil's reviews that resulted in FleX's paintings tripling in value. NY, Paris and Timbuktu are enough settings for the query. Nothing happens in Haiti that we need to know about.

Agnés de la Façade?

That the novel is available free online may make it less desirable to some publishers. That it's 45,000 words will make it undesirable to most publishers. Perhaps the serialization is an abridged version? The mere fact that that it has four major settings leads me to believe there are more than 45,000 words worth of story to be told here.

Focus on the Zach/Rachel story as your main plot, and throw in something about how the book provides a rare look at the contemporary art scene, as that seems to be your thing. Unfortunately, 1979-1980 isn't contemporary, and may be less interesting to those into contemporary art. Is there a reason this can't be set in present day?

The Timbuktu sandstorm sounds a bit wacko, if not Deus ex machina. You might want to just say FleX died, for the purposes of the query.

Face-Lift 502

Guess the Plot

The Taj Mahal Romance Repair Agency

1. From the outside it is looking like ordinary Indian restaurant. But those couples being strangely attracted to its most exotic menu are finding its warming food and most philosophical waiters are exceedingly putting the spices back into their troubled relationships. Also, a chapati.

2. Three clueless Indian virgins are starting running an agency specializing in the fixing of the ailing romances for some other Indians lacking the clues, but are quickly getting sucked into some most amusing misadventures.

3. Arranged marriages can be most great for the families, but for the couple thrusting together without the spark of the romance, getting to know each other can be most traumatic. Jaswinder and Anjul have a plan to fix that with their newest business idea. But when they are setting their call center up in Lexington, KY, the miscommunications lead to hilarity on two sides of the world.

4. Sanjiv has made his fortune as a Kama Sutra instructor, and his mother is after him to seek the wife. Hilarity is ensuing when he meets his future in-laws. Can he be convincing Mr. Gupta that he is computer repairman before Mrs. Gupta is recalling "The Reverse Cowgirl"?

5. Bishakha's husband has died twenty years before, but she isn't seeing why death should be a barrier to romance. With help of the Taj Mahal Romance Repair Agency, she plans to hunt down her husband's reincarnation, and marry him once more. Also, a sacred elephant.

6. Getting to work for a top literary agent right out of Brown is Sissy Lions' dream. But no one is telling her she will be slogging through endless piles of romance novels rather than literary fiction. And now they wish her to be editing this tripe? Is there any escaping...The Taj Mahal Romance Repair Agency?


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Novel Query: The Taj Mahal Romance Repair Agency

Three clueless Indian virgins, seeing a business opportunity in teaching even more clueless youth in India how to interact with the opposite sex, decide to start an agency specializing in fixing ailing romances.

Armed with Western romantic-advice books and expecting to deal with broken hearts, they quickly get sucked into both romantic and criminal misadventures as their clients drag them into one scrape after another. Before long, the company motto becomes Stay Out of Jail. Or Stay Alive. [Is "Stay Out of Jail. Or Stay Alive." the new motto? If so, "and" would be better than "or." If it's two mottos, I'd stick with just one. Actually, those don't sound like mottos anyway. "Mission statement" might be better.]

The Taj Mahal Romance Repair Agency has the pacing of a James Patterson novel, the humor of a Janet Evanovich novel, and the cultural immersion of a McCall Smith [How come you use the first names of Patterson and Evanovich, but not McCall Smith? It's Alexander, though those of us in his inner circle call him Sandy.] Botswana-set novel. [According to . . . the author? If decisions on which manuscripts to request were made based on the authors' opinions of the works, all manuscripts would be requested. I've said it before, but it bears repeating, apparently: Leave the hype to the person writing the back-cover copy. If you declare that your work is like James Patterson's, Janet Evanovich's and Alexander McCall Smith's, there are three possible reactions from an editor:

1. I've never gotten around to reading anything by those authors, so I have no idea what you're trying to say.

2. I hate all three of those authors, so even though I was loving your query letter, forget it.

3. I worship those three authors. And you have the gall to compare yourself to them? The ashes I've placed in your SASE are what remains of your query, which I burned as a symbolic gesture in hopes that James, Janet and Sandy will forgive me for reading it.]

Thank you for your time.


Notes

What you've provided is the situation. Three unqualified people start a business, and get more than they bargained for. It's an intriguing setup, but we want to know what happens. The setup was two sentences. That leaves plenty of room to tell us about a couple of the romantic and criminal misadventures so we can judge whether we think they're as funny as you do. And so we have a lengthier sample of your writing.

If you must mention other authors, there are those who don't mind your saying something like fans of James Patterson will enjoy the pace of this book. But usually the editor has decided whether to request the manuscript before then anyway. He's unlikely to change from no to yes just because you claim it's Patterson-paced. And if he requests it and thinks that it's Ayn Rand-paced he won't believe anything else you've said.

Face-Lift 439

Guess the Plot

Coldharbour Lane

1. London, 1888. The city's upper crust are shocked by a series of grisly murders. Can Scotland Yard detective Miles Avery discover who is killing the flower girls of . . . Coldharbour Lane?

2. After years of struggle it looked like Winne Campbell's organic goat cheese would finally make her rich -- until the zombies showed up. Now Winnie and goat wrangler Jorge Santiago prepare to make their last stand on the roof of the barn, armed with only a potato cannon and the will to survive.

3. Chelsea is having trouble adjusting to her new home. None of the kids at school will talk to her. All of her teachers seem to want to expel her. But the real trouble begins when she runs afoul of the coven of vampires that keep her town perpetually shrouded in fog.

4. Mickey can't believe his luck when he lands a low-priced home on the waterfront--until the bodies start washing ashore. After recognizing one as his ex-wife, he starts to investigate. Big mistake. Will Mickey be the next body washed ashore at . . . Coldharbour Lane?

5. No one has lived there since the gruesome--and unsolved--murders three years ago. The Brownes know nothing about the murders when they buy the place. But they're about to find out the truth of what happened that night in the house on Coldharbour Lane. Will they survive to tell anyone else?

6. Michael buys a decrepit house, not realizing that the hippies next door have their marijuana crop on the property. What's worse, Michael's wife wants him to renovate the place into the world's greatest Georgian mansion, and Michael hates Georgian. Will their marriage survive the house on . . . Coldharbour Lane?



Original Version

Coldharbour Lane is a 100,000 word mainstream novel about a family whose plans are always in ruins.

Michael Galbraith buys decrepit houses, lives in them with his wife and three children during [amidst] all the dirt and disruption of renovation, and then, once he's restored them to perfection, sells up and moves on to the next. It's not a hobby; it's his life. Any period can become his favourite, except Georgian, which he hates. [That sentence doesn't belong there.]

Wife Rachel, a Professor of History, specialises in everything Georgian, and wants to combine Michael's mania with her in-depth knowledge to create a more perfectly-restored Georgian mansion than the world has yet seen. [Here's a better place to tell us about Michael's seething hatred of all things from Georgia.]

For the sake of family harmony, Michael agrees to view three walls and a chimney known as 8 Coldharbour Lane. But when he discovers mysterious ruins in the grounds, his imagination is captured by a much more exciting project: recreating a long-lost Roman villa.

Living in a leaky caravan, he labours on the villa by day and the mansion at night. Rachel can't understand how he can work so hard, yet achieve so little. [In other words, she doesn't know about the villa? Why is he keeping it secret from her? Even if he works on the villa while she's at work, wouldn't she notice a Roman villa taking shape on her property?] And why is he reading up on mosaics rather than Muff glass? [That was going to be my next question.]

The renovation project meets with mixed reactions from their new neighbours. The Britisher-than-thou Dhaliwals at number 2 set out to trump Rachel's period knowledge; [You teach the Georgian era? Why, our ancestors lived during the Georgian era.] the hippies squatting at number 4 think [Michael's] son Josh could be naive enough to be duped into tending their marijuana crop (it's behind the villa); [Hey kid, do me a favor and water my . . . uh . . . geraniums, would you?] and reclusive Mr White at number 6 has been pilfering artifacts from the villa site for years, and doesn't appreciate competition. [If you've been looting your neighbor's back yard for years and you still haven't got everything you want, it's time to give someone else a shot at it.] [Is the book a comedy, or are the neighbors just comic relief? It didn't sound that amusing up to here.]

But when the Department for Culture Media and Sport decides to list the mansion--as is-- [Not clear to me what this means. List it in real estate listings? List it as a historic landmark?] and the same Man From The Planning Dept who took Michael to court over the Case of the Pictish Roundhouse serves an enforcement notice on the villa, [and] then the police seal off the marijuana 'crime scene', it seems as if all the Galbraiths' plans really are ruined. [What's an enforcement notice? What does the Planning Dept. plan? Would I know these answers if I lived in Britain? Is the query going only to British publishers?]


Notes

While I'm a fan of specificity, I'm not familiar with the Case of the Pictish Roundhouse, so its mention means nothing to me. You could just say a man from the Planning Dept, with whom Michael had a previous dispute/brush/encounter, serves . . .

Have you considered scrapping this book and writing The Case of the Pictish Roundhouse? It sounds intriguing.

There's gotta be a decrepit Georgian mansion in better shape than three walls and a chimney. The Galbraiths usually renovate places good enough to live in. Now, for a project that's supposed to end up as the most perfectly restored Georgian mansion the world has seen, they start with rubble from the Battle of Britain?

As Georgian architecture was heavily influenced by classical Roman architecture, why is a guy who hates Georgian so obsessed with a Roman villa?

I'm sure this is more interesting than just watching the excruciatingly slow progress of an archaeological dig, but I'm not seeing the thread that holds it all together and makes me want to know what happens next and next. At least if Rachel knew Michael was working on the villa instead of her Georgian mansion there'd be more conflict. Can you have Michael dig up a dead body?

Face-Lift 352

Guess the Plot

Living with the Bull

1. Know-it-all Morton Sledge inherits a fortune from his grandfather's bedspread business, but will his millions distract beautiful Bunny Perkins from the fact that he's a crashing bore?

2. Evicted from her apartment, ostracized by her friends and coworkers, Jennifer begins to suspect it was a mistake to get a pit bull.

3. The new bull Mary hired to work in her china shop just isn't working out. Not only is her business tanking, local biker gangs start harassing her. That's when she finds that sometimes a bull can come in handy.

4. Prison romances don't always turn out happily ever after, but Corinne Pilch, Number 4411227, is in for life -- with the guard of her dreams.

5. "Dear, you look gorgeous today!"
"No, Mom, we didn't get any homework."
". . . and there's absolutely no obligation to buy!"
Esther Poncky has heard it all. It's just part of . . . Living with the Bull.

6. Despite what Bill says, he really isn't the reincarnation of Napoleon, the lost King of Sweden, or the heir to the Howard Hughes fortune. Nor is he the secret lover of Paris Hilton, or the love child of Elvis. Living with the Bull might be too much for some; but Naomi loves her husband and won't see him wrongfully prosecuted for murder.


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

I am seeking representation for my novel, LIVING WITH THE BULL, complete at 72,500 words. [I hope all you people looking for agents and publishers are prepared to start . . . Living with the Bull.]

In LIVING WITH THE BULL, Jennifer felt like she was one letdown away from being back between her Strawberry Shortcake sheets at her parents’ house. [The only reason she didn't move back with them was because then she'd really be . . . Living with the Bull.] Then she meets Gwen, a woman her own age who spends her spare time rescuing dogs in the suburbs of Chicago. Jennifer wonders where Gwen hides her [matador's] cape, until she discovers that her friend’s utopian dog rescue more closely resembles a Tim Burton movie. Feeling betrayed by her friend, ["I trusted you, Gwen, but now I find out that your dog rescue operation is like a combination of Pee Wee's Big Adventure, Big Fish, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Ed Wood, Sleepy Hollow, Planet of the Apes, and Mars Attacks! You've betrayed me."] Jennifer wants to give Oscar, a pit bull, a second chance at a good life. [That might be a better place to start the query.] She hopes that saving him might rescue her, too. But she never expected that her commitment to put kibble in his bowl would turn into a civil liberties crusade.

Because of Oscar’s breed, Jennifer is accosted by strangers, [mauled at home,] and ostracized at work. It’s one thing to have to defend his reputation, but her level of commitment to Oscar and her ability to keep her own life afloat are tested when she is evicted from her apartment [Yes ma'am, I know your lease says pets are allowed. But your pet has eaten everyone else's pets.] and faced with a city council that wants to ban pit bulls entirely. [Plus, her crusade to have the Constitution amended to give pit bulls the vote is going nowhere.] LIVING WITH THE BULL is the story of a woman trying [to] navigate the worlds of dog adoption, prejudice, and twenty-something independence.

I earned a B.A. in Creative Writing from the University of Michigan, [so I am well-qualified to write about . . Living with the Bull.] where I won a Hopwood Award for Poetry. I have been active in animal rescue for over eight years and I currently sit on the Board of Directors of Pit Bull Rescue Central.

A full manuscript is available upon request. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Sincerely,


Notes

The reason pit bulls have a reputation for aggression (besides the fact that the media always trumpets it whenever one of them kills a rhinoceros or a little league team) is because of their name. Pit bull sounds intimidating. Henceforth, let's go with Mellow Mutt.

Even if I correctly guess that you mean Corpse Bride and The Nightmare Before Christmas, it's still not clear how the Tim Burton reference shows betrayal. Dump it.

It's admirable that you want to incorporate your passion into a book, but I want to know more about what happens. All we've got is, woman adopts dog, woman loses all her friends. If you have a good story, tell us what it is. What's Oscar's past history? Was he Michael Vick's champion fighter? What does Jennifer need rescuing from? We'll care more about them if we know this. If their stories are boring, if you're mainly defending pit bulls, perhaps nonfiction is the way to go.