Face-Lift 1468

Guess the Plot

Broken Vows and Stolen Hearts

1. Valerie said she would give Surgeon Tim her heart forever. Years later, Tim needs a heart transplant, and insists Valerie honor her vow. When Valerie reneges, Tim has to hope she dies soon, even if it means helping her along.

2. Two nuns working at a Catholic hospital fall for each other while investigating a rogue organ-trafficking priest. But whose vows will be broken first?

3. A deadly assassin befriends a teenager and vows to not kill her if she'll help him and his buddies to awaken a god and take over the world. Romance ensues.

4. Maria and Joe vowed to do all that stuff people vow to do when they get married, but apparently Joe didn't take his vows seriously, because thanks to internet dating sites, he's having new affairs every week. Also thanks to the internet, Maria now knows which poison won't be detected in an autopsy, and where to get it.

5. Ellie bought a bag of those little candy hearts with messages on them to give out on Valentines Day. But her little brother Ernie stole them and ate them all, even though he promised not to. Third grade trials and tribulations are the worst.

Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Here's my query for an inspired Pride and Prejudice meets Assassin's Creed in BROKEN VOWS AND STOLEN HEARTS, a YA fantasy/romance:

When Dex, a seventeen-year-old thief, swipes a mysterious black note from a deadly assassin, she has to pinch herself. The note promises her weight in gold, enough to earn her sister’s freedom from the brothel. All she has to do is complete a delivery. [Why are you telling me what color the note is? Why is a thief stealing a note? Seems like money or other valuables would be more fruitful. Is the note a piece of black paper with writing on it? If so, wouldn't it be more convenient to choose a different color paper, one that ink will show up on? I guess whoever wrote the note had no ink or graphite, but lots of chalk. Also, if you're gonna rob someone, a deadly assassin should not be your first choice. Moving on to the 2nd sentence, does the note promise anyone their weight in gold, or specifically the assassin, or specifically Dex? If I steal a note promising the holder of the note their weight in gold, I'm getting someone who weighs 300 pounds to complete the task for a cut of the reward. Also, if I have hundreds of pounds of gold, and I need something delivered, I'm calling FedEx or UPS and keeping my gold. Also, any brothel owner would gladly free one of their workers for a lot less than Dex's weight in gold. 20 pounds of gold would do it.]

But when she’s framed for murder, Dex finds herself on the run, only to be caught by the assassin. [Does the assassin know she stole the note? Did the assassin commit the murder she was framed for?] Impressed she fulfilled the delivery, [She did? What did she deliver, to whom did she deliver it, and did she get her weight in gold?] he gives her two choices: join their ranks or die. [I would call that one choice.] Terrified of failing her sister and that he’ll learn the truth, [What truth?] she agrees to train under the brutal mentor, Caliban. [If this is set in Afghanistan, and the brutal mentor Caliban is a Taliban, you've got a winner.] There she learns of a high-stakes mission–to steal an artifact that could awaken the god of shadows. With his power, they can manipulate rulers to enslave kingdoms, which threatens her sister’s life. [It also threatens kingdoms. But let's just worry about Sis.] 

As Dex grapples with her growing attachment to [the brutal mentor,] Caliban and her sister’s safety, she must navigate a treacherous path where every decision could be salvation or ruin. 

[This doesn't sound like a romance. The only hint of romance is that Dex has a growing attachment for her brutal Taliban mentor.]

Notes

Calling a character the brutal mentor Caliban is like in The Princess Bride where they called a guy the dread pirate Roberts. You could call him Caliban the Taliban, in which case he'd rhyme like the guy in the song "Ahab the Arab."

The following situation feels outlandish, but it seems to be the setup for your plot: Dex desperately wants to earn her sister's freedom from a brothel, but to do so she'll need to pay the brothel owner the weight in gold of a deadly assassin. She happens to encounter a deadly assassin, and picks his pocket, finding no gold, but finding a note with instructions on how to obtain the assassin's weight in gold. This must be Dex's lucky day.

I think I'd leave out the weight in gold plot point and start with something like:

Desperate to buy her sister's freedom from a brothel, seventeen-year-old Dex joins a guild of thieves. But her fellow thieves are after more than mere loot. They're out to steal an artifact that could awaken the god of shadows. With his power, they plan to manipulate rulers to enslave kingdoms. Which isn't exactly going to help Dex's sister.

Then you can tell us what her plan is, what specific obstacles she faces as she walks the treacherous path where every decision could be salvation or ruin.

Feedback Request

 The query most recently posted here has a new version.

17-year-old Dulani is the last man standing between his town and the Masques, soul-reaping creatures borne from mythology. He's not expecting backup either—for some reason, only he can see, hear, and kill these things. After losing close friends to them, he's far more focused on seeing his "job" as guardian through. But when a Masque almost kills his classmate, he decides to learn how to end their threat for good. 

 

Following a Masque back into its home realm, Dulani sneaks around locations from legend in search of answers. He soon finds one—along with something startling: past victims, like his friends, aren’t dead. Their still living souls are trapped in pillars weakening the cage around an even worse threat. A god who commands the Masques is one step away from breaking free so it can cross into Earth and subjugate humanity.  

Dulani, to his horror, is that missing piece. His magic, his powers, all came from this god so his soul could get strong from his job and open the cage once delivered. Dulani wants to destroy the pillars, which will rescue the souls and lock the realm forever, but as powerful Masques begin a manhunt for him, the risk grows sky-high. He’ll have to choose: fight and save countless lives, or run before he endangers just as many. 

 

MEMORANDUM (90,000 words) is a YA contemporary fantasy standalone with series potential. It combines the otherworldly danger in L.L. McKinney’s Nightmare-Verse trilogy, youths wrestling with grief and responsibility in Kamilah Cole’s SO LET THEM BURN, and the hurting hero of BLOOD AT THE ROOT by LaDarrion Williams. 

 

[Bio] 

Notes

This is much better. I'm not that clear on how the pillars are weakening the cage or how Dulani knows destroying the pillars will rescue his friends rather than destroy their souls. Maybe:

His magic, his powers, all came from this god, and every Masque he kills only brings the god  closer to escaping the cage.

The decision still seems lose / lose.  He can fight and kill Masques, eventually leading to humanity's subjugation, or he can run and the Masques will go back to killing people in his town. The latter seems better, as the Masques don't seem to be killing people all over the planet, just in Dulani's neighborhood. What he really needs to do is capture all the Masques and imprison them in the cage with the god.

Face-Lift 1467

Guess the Plot

Atomic Adventures

1. Never let it be said that atomic bombs can't be fun.

2. Nut (short for Nutrino) explores current quantum atomic theories in this introductory physics chapter book.

 3. The life story of Lucy, narrated by one of the atoms in her brain.

4. The story of how Barbie saved Oppenheimer from being a bigger bomb than Hiroshima.

5. Four siblings find an unexploded atom bomb in their backyard & turn it into a tourist attraction.

Original Version

Dear [Agent],

I am excited to present you with ATOMIC ADVENTURES, a genre-blending middle grade novel that contains elements of contemporary, historical, and science fiction. [No need to call it genre-blending if you're going to list the genres being blended.]  This book is narrated by a carbon atom named Diamond, and is for anyone who had hoped Disney's Elemental would be about the Periodic Table. [In short, it's for no one.]  [Does every atom have a name? Like helium atoms are named Balloon, Titanium atoms are named Sia, neon atoms are named Bar Sign, etc.?]  Like Karen Schwabach's Starting from Seneca Falls and Ruth Behar's Across So Many Seas, [both of which are narrated by water molecules,] it tells the story of two girls who continue to dream big despite the hardships they face. [Insert agent personalization here]. [Yes, let's add even more information before getting to the plot. This paragraph would be better toward the end of the letter.] [Also, Evil Editor does the brackets.] 

Diamond is one of the millions [trillions x trillions] of atoms making up Lucy's brain, where her thoughts, memories, and emotions are readily accessible. Right now, Lucy is feeling isolated. Over the course of a single week, Lucy is exiled from her friend group and diagnosed with Nonverbal Language Disorder. Now, she will have to attend a learning support class instead of going to Spanish with the rest of her peers. [Is Spanish the only class she'll miss? Are her Spanish class friends different from her friends group friends?] Things start to look up, however, when this new class brings her closer to the outgoing Amelia Thatcher. Suddenly, she begins to hope that she has found a friend who will lift her up instead of making her feel small.

Diamond knows Lucy will triumph, because she possesses the same indomitable spirit as her ancestor, Brigid Walsh. Diamond made up Brigid's matter while she was alive, and was able to witness how her whole life played out. Ultimately, Brigid found happiness thanks to her ability to find the light in the darkest of situations. To illustrate this, Diamond chooses to tell Lucy and Brigid's stories in alternating chapters. 

At the start of Brigid's story, she is journeying to America with her sister, Nora, in the wake of the Irish Potato Famine. The sisters will be working for the wealthy Walton family. Things go awry, however, when Nora falls in love with Richard Walton, and the two run away together. Brigid is left to endure unjust working conditions and discrimination against her heritage alone. Most haunting, is the question of why Nora would leave her without so much as a word. Brigid is determined to find out. [Just as I was thinking the two girls you mentioned in paragraph 1 were Lucy and Amelia Thatcher, Amelia disappears, and then Lucy also drops out, and Brigid becomes the star of the query. Maybe if you earlier said:  it tells the stories of two girls, born 170 years apart, who continue to dream big . . . . ] 

[Insert author bio + sign-off].

Notes

I don't see anything in the query that I'd call an adventure. There's Brigid's trip to America, but once there she endures unjust working conditions and discrimination. Presumably the stories Diamond tells about Brigid and Lucy are adventures? The title suggests something lighter than the description does.

This is supposedly the story of two girls who continue to dream big despite their hardships. The only goals I see are Lucy might find a new friend and Brigid might find out why Nora didn't tell her she was leaving her miserable oppressive job to be with the man she loved. Important to them, but not my idea of dreaming big. In fact, I'm starting to think I'd rather read Nora's story.

I don't get why this is narrated by an atom in Lucy's brain. Does the book start: My name is Diamond, and I'm a carbon atom . . . ? Does this bring a different perspective to the book than, say, Lucy finding or having passed down to her, Brigid's diaries, journals, letters, unpublished autobiography? 

The connection between Lucy's story and Brigid's seems tenuous. They both eventually, apparently, "find the light in the darkest of situations." But Brigid's dark situation is a miserable life of oppression and discrimination, while Lucy's is missing Spanish class. If they told me I couldn't go to Spanish class anymore, I'd be jumping for joy. 

Okay, I may have exaggerated the lack of connection. They may both have suffered discrimination, one because she was Irish and one because she has Nonverbal Language Disorder (although you don't say that was why Lucy was exiled from her friend group). I still think the query needs to include a stronger reason these two girls' stories belong in the same book. 

I can see how an atom in Brigid could be passed to Brigid's child at birth  (maybe) and from that person to their child etc., but you say Diamond witnessed how Brigid's whole life played out, so how did Diamond get from Brigid's dead body into future peoples' bodies?

Feedback Request

The author of the book featured in Face-Lift 1456  would like feedback on the following version of the query:

MEMORANDUM (90,000 words) is a YA contemporary fantasy standalone with series potential following underprivileged POVs. [Not sure what following underprivileged POVs involves. In any case, POV usually comes in 1st  person, second person, omniscient, or a combination of those, and I doubt the recipient of this letter cares which one you use, even if it's a brand new one like underprivileged.] It combines the otherworldly danger in L.L. McKinney’s Nightmare-Verse trilogy, youths wrestling with grief and responsibility in Kamilah Cole’s SO LET THEM BURN, and the hurting hero of BLOOD AT THE ROOT by LaDarrion Williams. [Some people will never have heard of these books or authors (Evil Editor, for instance), so it's best to place this toward the end of the query, after you've hooked us with your intriguing plot summary.]

 

17-year-old Dulani works the world’s most thankless job. All myths are real, manifesting as soul-reaping monsters called Masques that he hunts. [After that first sentence, I expect you to name the job immediately. As in: 17-year-old Dulani works the world’s most thankless job: hunting and killing soul-reaping monsters called Masques.] It's rough being the town guardian, especially when nobody but him has the power to see, hear, and kill Masques. A broken home takes enough energy already, but the last time Dulani ignored a call to duty, he lost close classmates. And if there’s one thing he hates more than stress, it’s guilt, so he sucks it up and keeps his town safe.

[If no one else can see or hear Masques, how can anyone call Dulani to duty before it's too late?] 

 

But, he likes peace and quiet more, so Dulani decides to invade the Masque’s [Masques'] home realm and see how to end their threat for good. While dodging death and combing [searching?] locations from legend, Dulani uncovers something startling: past victims, like his classmates, didn’t die. 

 

Worse happened. A god who commands the Masques is gathering living souls so it can cross into Earth and subjugate humanity. [Are his classmates alive, or not? Can he recruit them?] Dulani, whose powers came from this god so his soul can be strengthened by his hunting job, is the missing piece. If he doesn’t escape, he hands [this god] the keys to an apocalypse on a silver platter. But running home changes little—Masques will keep reaping, and he’s just one guy who can and will screw up again. Dulani must choose: fight like always and play into enemy hands, or save his skin knowing others will suffer for eternity. [What kind of choice is that? Lose / lose?]

 

Like Dulani, I’m Black, and I channel my experiences with “othering” into his and the cast’s stories. As a Research Assistant with a MS in Engineering, I find new solutions to strange problems while shouldering a lot of responsibility—just like the heroes of this story. 

 

Thank you for your time and consideration. 

---

Questions:

1. I know "subjugate humanity" is vague, but I'm not sure how to condense/convey "wants to 'improve' humanity by forcing them to be guinea pigs with Masques as enforcers" without bloating the word count.
2. If "cross into Earth" is too vague, I originally had "to fully break the barrier over Earth." Would that be better? Or a combo of both?
3. Should I add another narrative escalator in Paragraph 2 or are the stakes fine as is?

I have no problem with subjugate humanity or cross into Earth. Or your quantity of narrative escalators, whatever those are. You may be worrying about the wrong things. 

Notes

Is Dulani's job the world's most thankless because no one knows he does it, even after a Masque is killed? Is it really a job if he doesn't get paid? 

How does a 17-year-old kid manage to kill even one god/monster? Does he have super powers or a magical weapon? 

I'm not sure why Dulani  can invade the Masques' realm, but the god can't cross to Earth.

All myths are real, meaning Aphrodite and Mercury and Thor and . . . Paul Bunyan are Masques? What about Aquaman and Silver Surfer? All Masques?

Your first plot paragraph could be something like:

17-year-old Dulani is the only person with the power to see, hear, and kill "Masques," soul-reaping monsters borne from mythology. It's not a task he wants, but he's lost close classmates to the Masques, so he sucks it up and keeps his town safe. When the Masques threaten to overwhelm the town, Dulani decides to invade their home realm and end their threat for good.

That leaves plenty of room to tell us what his specific plan is, making it clear that there's hope of success, because right now it sounds like we're all doomed to be subjugated eventually. 

Face--Lift 1466

Guess the Plot

It Comes All the Same

1. It Comes All the Same. IT COMES ALL THE SAME. it comes all the same. iT cOmEs AlL tHe SaMe.

2. Death and Taxes. Taxes and Death.

3. Nigel Ellis has a deal with Death: as long as he fills quotas as a grim reaper, he doesn't have to die. The catch? He can't mess with anyone's fates, as in he can only collect souls from people who are dying on their own. And he has to beat out every other grim reaper who made the same deal he did.

4. Harrison Moore was one of the richest men in the world. Now he's dead. Who had a motive? Actually, pretty much every person he ever knew.

5. Death and Time have been playing chess for as long as there has been life. But now the game has been interrupted. Do they restart the game or do they continue as is? Jordan sure would like to know, because last he remembers he is supposed to be dead.

Original Version

Dear (agent),

The devil comes in many forms, and Harrison Moore is [Was?] one of them. 

Set in 1930’s London, It Comes All the Same [Italicize title] is a 60k word mystery/ thriller told from multiple first-person points of view. When private detectives Nicholai Veidectte and Frederick Morfin are called in to solve the murder of Harrison Moore— one of the richest men in the country— they quickly discover this won’t be an easy solve. [Whattaya mean, "called in"? Hired?] Harrison Moore was not a man of few enemies, [Or, was a man of many enemies.] and when almost everyone in your life wants you dead, bringing your killer to justice won’t be easy. [Bringing your killer to justice is never easy, unless you're a zombie.] And to make matters worse, Nicholai and Frederick have three days to solve one of the biggest cases of their career, or the case goes to Scotland Yard. [Was that a Scotland Yard rule in the 1930's? We don't take any case until it's stumped all the private detectives for three days.?] The suspects are as follows: the wife, the sister-in-law, the maid, and the competition. [Who are the competition? The other richest men in the country? How did he make all that money?] But does a man as awful as Harrison Moore really deserve justice? Afterall, [two words] you don’t get to where he did without picking up a few skeletons along the way. [I'm not sure picking up skeletons is an idiom. Having skeletons in your closet is, but those skeletons, I believe, are secrets you wouldn't want revealed. Also, you've said he had many enemies, that everyone wanted him dead, and that he'd picked up a few skeletons made a few enemies  along the way, all of which say about the same thing. Plus, the phrase a "few" enemies seems like a massive understatement if almost everyone in his life wanted him dead.]

Our protagonist, Frederick Morfin, walks us through the case as him [he] and his partner, Nicholai, uncover the details of the murder. Our suspects provide flashbacks from their points of view, revealing their stories and vendettas, and of course, our dead man tells his tale, showing the kind of man he was before his rise to power and fall from grace. 

It Comes All the Same will appeal to readers who enjoyed the mystery and plot-twist elements of The Silent Patient by Alex Michaelides, and the voice and character perspectives of I Eat Men Like Air by Alice Berman. [Italicize book titles] This book also resonates with the song The Fruits [Quotation marks around song titles] by Paris Paloma [Actually, I was thinking the book resonates with the song "You're So Vague," by Queens of the Stone Age.]  and is the song I often imagine playing at the last page of the book. [No need to imagine it;  just write it onto the last page.] [The song a book resonates with, whatever that means, is not useful information to include in a query.] This book also raises the very important question of how far people would go for love, and can murder be justified? [Does it also answer the questions?]

Notes

Useful information to include in a query: specific details about what happens. Here's what we know: Some unknown entity calls in two private detectives to solve the murder of some man who was rich and hated by everyone. One of the multiple narrators walks us through the case. Suspects provide flashbacks. We learn stuff about the dead guy's life. That's all vague. What is the detectives' plan of action to solve the case? Why are the particular suspects you mention considered suspects? Presumably we learn the answer in their flashbacks? Give us some specific examples of what Moore did to a couple suspects.

If this murder can be justified, I'm wondering why we should care whodunnit. 

Face-Lift 1465

Guess the Plot

Kingdom of the Dead

1. A quasi-non-fiction look at everything needed for a functioning society, brought to you by zombies, skeletons, wraiths, ghosts, vampires, etc. Also, politics, pest control, and what happens in sunlight.

2. When Stella accepted the Vampire King's marriage proposal, it was just because he could help her find her missing father. She certainly didn't expect to actually fall for the big [undead] lug. 

3. The Kingdom next to their own has always been ruled by the dead. Necromancer Gristly now just has to figure out if there is another necromancer in charge of the place or if something stranger has been going on.

4. When Willard finds a portal to another dimension, he's hoping for a vacation far away in a place without huge problems, and maybe some quaint talking animals. Instead he finds empty streets, empty houses, empty stores, an empty palace.... It's all pretty dead.

5. The zombies didn't have the foresight to realize that once they'd killed all the humans, there's be no more living human brains to feast on. But then they discover that dolphin, ape, dog and octopus brains are even more advanced than human brains--and more delicious.

Original Version

Dear Agent,

The following is the synopsis of Kingdom of the Dead. [This has the elements of a query letter, except it doesn't include the word count. A synopsis would include more plot elements. (No need to start by saying the following is a query letter for...)]

**A witch. An assassin. A Queen.**  [Who is the villain in Snow White?]

Stella Blackburn once feared monsters under her bed; now she is the nightmare every child dreads. A witch and an assassin, hunted by her own kin for crimes that forced her into hiding, she cloaks herself in shadows and enchantments. Years after believing her father dead, her dying master reveals he is alive. Now she has learned that he is imprisoned by the one spreading a malady [plague?] across kingdoms.

**The clock is ticking, the blood is running out.** [What was the last thing the Abominable Dr,                                                                                                Phibes said to Dr. Longstreet?]

The malady ravages the vampire kingdom, offering Stella her best chance to find its source. Yet, witches are loathed in those lands, and assassin or not, she won't survive long there. The Vampire King proposes a marriage, promising her safety within his castle and a joint effort to unearth the cause and the person responsible. But nothing is as simple as bargains, marriages, and blood. [I think that sentence says the opposite of what you think it says. Maybe just say she agrees to the marriage, though it means . . . What? What's the catch?] Stella would sacrifice anything to find her father, even confront the prophecy foretold to her at fifteen. For seven years, she has run from it, but now, it may be time to embrace her destiny. [She agrees to the marriage, though it means becoming/marrying a vampire, as foretold in a prophecy she's been running from since she was fifteen.] 

**Hearts are at stake, lies unravel.** [What happens in Interview with the Vampire?]

The Vampire King and his court defy her expectations. [What were her expectations? Are the king & court worse than she expected or better?] He has a manner with words that alone make her question her sanity, [Is it the words or his manner with them that . . . ? If the latter, the verb should be "makes."] that and his actions are worse. She refuses to accept that his behavior is anything more than vampire charm meant to unnerve her, because their marriage is a means to an end. So why does she have to remind herself not to waver at his words? Stella has no intention of staying with the King or living with the dead—or so she thought. Each day reminds her of her father’s agony, yet with the King and his court, those days are when she feels most alive. Every night she must remind herself that nothing—specially [especially] the Vampire King and his world of darkness that draws her in like vampire to blood—matters until she finds her father.

But unveiled secrets and a looming betrayal could shift her world even more than the King.

Kingdom of the Dead is an Adult Fantasy Romance, perfect for readers who like fast-pacing, secrets, dark elements, and swoon-worthy romance. 

Thank you for your time and consideration,

[I have never posted a query letter to an agent so I am wondering if the above will be enough  Also, should I be adding that it is Dark fantasy too? Or is adult fantasy enough?] Dark fantasy is probably a good description. Adult is assumed unless it's otherwise stated, or it's about cute talking bunnies. As for romance, while there are hints of romantic elements (She questions her sanity, wavers at his words, feels most alive with the King and his court) those don't seem strong enough to suggest to me that it's a romance, swoon-worthy or not.

Notes

Nothing matters until she finds her father, she would sacrifice anything to find him, but there's almost nothing in here about what she's doing to find him. What's her plan? What's preventing her from doing it? 

If you could condense the first two paragraphs, which set up the situation, into one, and get rid of the Jeopardy answers, something like:

When Stella Blackburn, assassin and witch, learns that her missing father is imprisoned in a nearby kingdom, she wants to rescue him. But she'll need help from the Vampire King, who agrees to help only if she'll marry him. It's a big ask, but Stella would sacrifice anything to find her father.  

. . . you'd have more room to talk about where her dad is, and what's involved in rescuing him, and how she can't help being attracted to the hunky king. 

If you want to emphasize the romantic elements she could almost swoon at his words, rather than question her sanity, which could be interpreted as negative.

Face-Lift 1464

Guess the Plot

Stormbound

1. None of the last seven skiers at a Colorado resort was concerned when a blizzard rolled in, trapping them. After all, there was plenty of food and drink to last a week. Then the murders started.

2. The Proctor family ignored orders to evacuate their home with a massive hurricane approaching, because they knew their brick house could withstand the storm. What they didn't know was that Grubhub, Door Dash, and Uber Eats would all shut down for weeks.

3. The Osborne family ignored orders to evacuate their home with a massive hurricane approaching, because they knew their brick house could withstand even a category 5 hurricane. What they didn't know was that thanks to global warming, hurricanes now also come in categories 6, 7, and 8.

4. When teen sisters Georgie and Lia find their parents went missing during a storm, they mount a rescue operation that brings them into conflict with secret agents and pirates hunting for a treasure that could change the course of history. Luckily, it's summer, so they won't miss any school.

5. For Jack "Twister" Tate, chasing tornadoes isn't just science, it isn't just a hobby--it's an extension of a childhood obsession with The Wizard of Oz. Okay, it's also science. That's how he gets funding. But can he keep his true motivation secret from his girlfriend Dorothy? Only his dog Toto knows.

Original Version

Dear Literary Agent, 

Sisters Lia and Georgie Covington thought spending their summer in Key West was going to be a breeze, with the biggest of worries being tan lines and becoming bored poolside at their family’s vacation house. 

With her final summer ahead of her before going to college, Lia knew she would be miserable and alone. [Wait, what? You just said both of them expected a worry-free breeze of a vacation, now you say one of them knows she'll be miserable. Or did you mean she knew she'd be miserable and alone in college?] Georgie saw it as her opportunity to finally brag to her prep-school friends about her tropical home, despite it being abandoned for the past six years. [If you have a vacation home you aren't using, you hire some rental company to keep it occupied and send you money. Not that I ever owned one, but what if the roof leaks or squatters move in or a violent storm destroys it?]

When their parents who work as history professors continuing a research project go missing during a violent storm, the sisters realize they are their parents' only hope for rescuing them [of rescue]– and protecting their research. [Why are they the only hope? Have the people with experience rescuing people given up on them?] [Are they already at the summer house when the parents go missing? In which case the parents are doing this research project in their beach house?]

Following the clues left behind by their mom and step-dad, Lia and Georgie begin to unravel the secrets held within [the?] Florida Keys. They become entangled with secret government agents, pirates, and a hunt for a treasure that could change the course of history. [Whoa. The last sentence of the plot summary may not be the best place to reveal that the course of history is at stake. Maybe your first paragraph should be something like:

Sisters Lia and Georgie Covington thought spending their summer in Key West was going to be a breeze, with the biggest of worries being tan lines and becoming bored poolside at their family’s vacation house. They certainly didn't expect to get involved with secret government agents, pirates, and a hunt for a treasure that could change the course of history.]

STORMBOUND is a young adult urban adventure-mystery complete at 65,000 words, the first in a planned trilogy. I have loved the beach as well as historical mysteries for my entire life, and knew that Key West, with its vast history and coastal culture, was the perfect place for a swashbuckling adventure to play out. 

Thank you for your time and consideration. The first pages have been attached for your review. I’d be delighted to send you sample chapters or the full manuscript at your request.

Notes

Good clear writing, but it does inspire questions about the plot. And I'm not sure it wouldn't appeal more to upper middle grade readers.

If it's college Lia thinks will  be misery, you could combine the first two paragraphs into:

With her final summer ahead of her before going to college, where she knows she'll be miserable, Lia Covington is looking forward to spending summer in Key West at her family’s vacation house. Her sister Georgie sees the summer vacation as an opportunity to finally brag to her prep-school friends about the tropical home, which has been abandoned for six years.

If the parents were abducted, I'm wondering what kind of clues they would leave behind. Clues like a post-it note that says If you can't find us, we were probably kidnapped and taken to Moscow.?

If secret agents are interested in the research project, I'm guessing it involves something beyond history. As your plot summary is only six sentences, you have room to add a couple explaining what's at stake if the research falls into the wrong hands, i.e. how might the course of history be changed?

Feedback Request

Dear agent

I am seeking representation for my thriller ALL THE MEMORIES COME TO KILL (89,000 words.)

Jack Foster, British accountant extraordinaire, [When you decide to make your main character an accountant, you have to do more than add "extraordinaire" to his job title to hook your reader.] is tired of busting the books of the Hong Kong Triad. [I don't know if busting the books means managing the books or cooking the books or something else.] Now he’s starting a new job in Los Angeles while waiting for his wife, Mara, to wrap up their affairs. Alone and lonely, he develops debilitating nightmares of a woman being tortured to death, her face masked by shadows. When his shrinks can’t help, he dulls the nightmares with alcohol and is fired from his job. [He just moved to LA and he already has more than one shrink?] 

Desperate to shape up before Mara arrives, Jack scours the internet for a way to cure his nightmares. He’s surprised to notice a series of similar murders spanning the globe, the most recent one only a few miles from his Chinatown condo. [I Googled "How to cure nightmares," and there was nothing about any worldwide murder conspiracies. Any accountant who doesn't know how to properly use Google is not extaordinaire in my book.]  Posing as a reporter, Jack digs into the local underworld, finding rumors of a vicious Triad enforcer newly arrived from Hong Kong. When Jack sets up surveillance on a Triad sweatshop, [This seems unreasonable for an accountant, but I forgot that he's an accountant extraordinaire.] he confirms the enforcer is the torturer in his dreams, but is forced to kill a gang member in self-defense. [Not clear what the part after the "but" has to do with the part before the "but."]

Now the police are after Jack. The Triad is right behind. And the woman in his dreams is growing more familiar with each sleepless night. Jack really needs to find some big guns, a good lawyer, and an even better shrink. ["even" better suggests his current shrink is pretty good, but you earlier said his shrinks can't help.] That and convince Mara to stay in Hong Kong until he can sort this out.

Now, if only she’d answer her damn phone.

Notes

This was going to be a new query critique, but then I realized we'd already seen two versions of it under a different title, and only two fake plots had come in anyway, so here is the most recent version, and the author would like feedback on this new one.

This isn't bad, but comparing it to the previous version, I'm wondering if there've been major changes in the plot, or just in what parts of the plot you're revealing in the query.

I don't think the title was part of the problem in the other versions.

Face-Lift 1463

Guess the Plot

The Secondaries

1.  The Secondaries are the ghosts/spirits of the dead. Their ranks have split into two factions fighting for control of the afterlife. And the only person who can bring peace and stability to the afterlife is a teenager who's already juggling her freshman classes while trying to keep her jealous street-performer boyfriend happy. 

2. After the primaries end in catastrophe when the Republican party realizes that all of its candidates are hot garbage, the state of Arkansas scrambles to acquire new candidates by kidnapping the ten democratic people who live there and putting them through a hunger-games-esque tournament, where only the last one standing doesn't have to apply for candidacy.

3. All sale items after the initial sale become secondaries, sold in the cellar. Joany will admit working in the cellar is a rather dull job, but it is at least a job. That is, until an unusual sale item goes unsold and an intrigue between a goat, a boat, and 10 yards of human hair make things complicated.

4. Phil Philmont II is tired of living in his father's shadow. He joins force with his childhood friends Rich Richardson II, and Dan Dianton II, to prove they are not simply children of self-made billionaires, that they have what it takes to out-party, and out-spend their parents and do it even better. They just need to rewind history 50 years first.

5. Maeve starts an odd-job company which mainly provides backup for important positions: kings, presidents, magistrates, etc. But when Claude, back-up to the archetype hero finally reaches the evil overlord's domain, he discovers Sorsha, back-up to said overlord. Will they do their duty and fight, or talk shop until their shift is over?

Original Version

I'm pleased to submit THE SECONDARIES, complete at 89,000 words.

Besieged with visions of the dead, Seren hopes for a normal life with a new boyfriend, Jackson. But a tangle with an immortal soul drags her into a battle between two groups of spirits for control of the afterlife.

Seren is a college freshman majoring in physics so that she can decipher her dead father's discoveries about consciousness. Since she was orphaned at the age of six, visions of spirits and their tragic human deaths have tormented her. Seren wants nothing more than to be normal, but the visions won't let her.

When she meets Jackson Meins, an alluring clairvoyant, Seren starts to believe [he convinces her] that her strange visions might actually be a gift. But just as she begins to fall in love with Jackson, a long-dead spirit named Finn tells her about the afterlife power struggle threatening the natural order. Finn is part of a group, which he claims includes Seren's father, fighting against the Ascendants, malicious spirits bent on taking control [of the afterlife]. Showing Seren her world through his eyes, Finn tries to convince persuades her that Jackson is helping the wrong side.

When Jackson finds out about Finn, he becomes enraged with jealousy and kidnaps her, keeping her prisoner at the compound where he is planning a mass suicide of his followers to infuse the Ascendants with an army of strong new recruits. [Speaking from experience, kidnapping and imprisoning your ex-girlfriend never results in reconciliation.]  Seren must learn to harness her own power to defeat Jackson's plans and restore the stability of the afterlife. [We know she has visions, but can we get a hint of what this power is that she can harness to affect the afterlife?]

THE SECONDARIES can be compared to Twilight (supernatural love triangle) meets Sixth Sense [I see dead people.] and Fight Club. [I'd declare the genre of the book before comparing it to other titles. According to my Internet research, the genre of Twilight is young adult fantasy romance, while The Sixth Sense is a psychological thriller. Your book sounds like an urban fantasy or a blend of that with paranormal romance. If all you provide is those comp titles, you may be giving the wrong impression.]  

Notes

Nice. Even if you ignore my comments, I can see this getting requests for the manuscript.