Feedback Request

The author of the book featured in Face-Lift 1456  would like feedback on the following version of the query:

MEMORANDUM (90,000 words) is a YA contemporary fantasy standalone with series potential following underprivileged POVs. [Not sure what following underprivileged POVs involves. In any case, POV usually comes in 1st  person, second person, omniscient, or a combination of those, and I doubt the recipient of this letter cares which one you use, even if it's a brand new one like underprivileged.] It combines the otherworldly danger in L.L. McKinney’s Nightmare-Verse trilogy, youths wrestling with grief and responsibility in Kamilah Cole’s SO LET THEM BURN, and the hurting hero of BLOOD AT THE ROOT by LaDarrion Williams. [Some people will never have heard of these books or authors (Evil Editor, for instance), so it's best to place this toward the end of the query, after you've hooked us with your intriguing plot summary.]

 

17-year-old Dulani works the world’s most thankless job. All myths are real, manifesting as soul-reaping monsters called Masques that he hunts. [After that first sentence, I expect you to name the job immediately. As in: 17-year-old Dulani works the world’s most thankless job: hunting and killing soul-reaping monsters called Masques.] It's rough being the town guardian, especially when nobody but him has the power to see, hear, and kill Masques. A broken home takes enough energy already, but the last time Dulani ignored a call to duty, he lost close classmates. And if there’s one thing he hates more than stress, it’s guilt, so he sucks it up and keeps his town safe.

[If no one else can see or hear Masques, how can anyone call Dulani to duty before it's too late?] 

 

But, he likes peace and quiet more, so Dulani decides to invade the Masque’s [Masques'] home realm and see how to end their threat for good. While dodging death and combing [searching?] locations from legend, Dulani uncovers something startling: past victims, like his classmates, didn’t die. 

 

Worse happened. A god who commands the Masques is gathering living souls so it can cross into Earth and subjugate humanity. [Are his classmates alive, or not? Can he recruit them?] Dulani, whose powers came from this god so his soul can be strengthened by his hunting job, is the missing piece. If he doesn’t escape, he hands [this god] the keys to an apocalypse on a silver platter. But running home changes little—Masques will keep reaping, and he’s just one guy who can and will screw up again. Dulani must choose: fight like always and play into enemy hands, or save his skin knowing others will suffer for eternity. [What kind of choice is that? Lose / lose?]

 

Like Dulani, I’m Black, and I channel my experiences with “othering” into his and the cast’s stories. As a Research Assistant with a MS in Engineering, I find new solutions to strange problems while shouldering a lot of responsibility—just like the heroes of this story. 

 

Thank you for your time and consideration. 

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Questions:

1. I know "subjugate humanity" is vague, but I'm not sure how to condense/convey "wants to 'improve' humanity by forcing them to be guinea pigs with Masques as enforcers" without bloating the word count.
2. If "cross into Earth" is too vague, I originally had "to fully break the barrier over Earth." Would that be better? Or a combo of both?
3. Should I add another narrative escalator in Paragraph 2 or are the stakes fine as is?

I have no problem with subjugate humanity or cross into Earth. Or your quantity of narrative escalators, whatever those are. You may be worrying about the wrong things. 

Notes

Is Dulani's job the world's most thankless because no one knows he does it, even after a Masque is killed? Is it really a job if he doesn't get paid? 

How does a 17-year-old kid manage to kill even one god/monster? Does he have super powers or a magical weapon? 

I'm not sure why Dulani  can invade the Masques' realm, but the god can't cross to Earth.

All myths are real, meaning Aphrodite and Mercury and Thor and . . . Paul Bunyan are Masques? What about Aquaman and Silver Surfer? All Masques?

Your first plot paragraph could be something like:

17-year-old Dulani is the only person with the power to see, hear, and kill "Masques," soul-reaping monsters borne from mythology. It's not a task he wants, but he's lost close classmates to the Masques, so he sucks it up and keeps his town safe. When the Masques threaten to overwhelm the town, Dulani decides to invade their home realm and end their threat for good.

That leaves plenty of room to tell us what his specific plan is, making it clear that there's hope of success, because right now it sounds like we're all doomed to be subjugated eventually.