Face-Lift 1465

Guess the Plot

Kingdom of the Dead

1. A quasi-non-fiction look at everything needed for a functioning society, brought to you by zombies, skeletons, wraiths, ghosts, vampires, etc. Also, politics, pest control, and what happens in sunlight.

2. When Stella accepted the Vampire King's marriage proposal, it was just because he could help her find her missing father. She certainly didn't expect to actually fall for the big [undead] lug. 

3. The Kingdom next to their own has always been ruled by the dead. Necromancer Gristly now just has to figure out if there is another necromancer in charge of the place or if something stranger has been going on.

4. When Willard finds a portal to another dimension, he's hoping for a vacation far away in a place without huge problems, and maybe some quaint talking animals. Instead he finds empty streets, empty houses, empty stores, an empty palace.... It's all pretty dead.

5. The zombies didn't have the foresight to realize that once they'd killed all the humans, there's be no more living human brains to feast on. But then they discover that dolphin, ape, dog and octopus brains are even more advanced than human brains--and more delicious.

Original Version

Dear Agent,

The following is the synopsis of Kingdom of the Dead. [This has the elements of a query letter, except it doesn't include the word count. A synopsis would include more plot elements. (No need to start by saying the following is a query letter for...)]

**A witch. An assassin. A Queen.**  [Who is the villain in Snow White?]

Stella Blackburn once feared monsters under her bed; now she is the nightmare every child dreads. A witch and an assassin, hunted by her own kin for crimes that forced her into hiding, she cloaks herself in shadows and enchantments. Years after believing her father dead, her dying master reveals he is alive. Now she has learned that he is imprisoned by the one spreading a malady [plague?] across kingdoms.

**The clock is ticking, the blood is running out.** [What was the last thing the Abominable Dr,                                                                                                Phibes said to Dr. Longstreet?]

The malady ravages the vampire kingdom, offering Stella her best chance to find its source. Yet, witches are loathed in those lands, and assassin or not, she won't survive long there. The Vampire King proposes a marriage, promising her safety within his castle and a joint effort to unearth the cause and the person responsible. But nothing is as simple as bargains, marriages, and blood. [I think that sentence says the opposite of what you think it says. Maybe just say she agrees to the marriage, though it means . . . What? What's the catch?] Stella would sacrifice anything to find her father, even confront the prophecy foretold to her at fifteen. For seven years, she has run from it, but now, it may be time to embrace her destiny. [She agrees to the marriage, though it means becoming/marrying a vampire, as foretold in a prophecy she's been running from since she was fifteen.] 

**Hearts are at stake, lies unravel.** [What happens in Interview with the Vampire?]

The Vampire King and his court defy her expectations. [What were her expectations? Are the king & court worse than she expected or better?] He has a manner with words that alone make her question her sanity, [Is it the words or his manner with them that . . . ? If the latter, the verb should be "makes."] that and his actions are worse. She refuses to accept that his behavior is anything more than vampire charm meant to unnerve her, because their marriage is a means to an end. So why does she have to remind herself not to waver at his words? Stella has no intention of staying with the King or living with the dead—or so she thought. Each day reminds her of her father’s agony, yet with the King and his court, those days are when she feels most alive. Every night she must remind herself that nothing—specially [especially] the Vampire King and his world of darkness that draws her in like vampire to blood—matters until she finds her father.

But unveiled secrets and a looming betrayal could shift her world even more than the King.

Kingdom of the Dead is an Adult Fantasy Romance, perfect for readers who like fast-pacing, secrets, dark elements, and swoon-worthy romance. 

Thank you for your time and consideration,

[I have never posted a query letter to an agent so I am wondering if the above will be enough  Also, should I be adding that it is Dark fantasy too? Or is adult fantasy enough?] Dark fantasy is probably a good description. Adult is assumed unless it's otherwise stated, or it's about cute talking bunnies. As for romance, while there are hints of romantic elements (She questions her sanity, wavers at his words, feels most alive with the King and his court) those don't seem strong enough to suggest to me that it's a romance, swoon-worthy or not.

Notes

Nothing matters until she finds her father, she would sacrifice anything to find him, but there's almost nothing in here about what she's doing to find him. What's her plan? What's preventing her from doing it? 

If you could condense the first two paragraphs, which set up the situation, into one, and get rid of the Jeopardy answers, something like:

When Stella Blackburn, assassin and witch, learns that her missing father is imprisoned in a nearby kingdom, she wants to rescue him. But she'll need help from the Vampire King, who agrees to help only if she'll marry him. It's a big ask, but Stella would sacrifice anything to find her father.  

. . . you'd have more room to talk about where her dad is, and what's involved in rescuing him, and how she can't help being attracted to the hunky king. 

If you want to emphasize the romantic elements she could almost swoon at his words, rather than question her sanity, which could be interpreted as negative.