Feedback Request

The author of the book featured in Face-Lift 1432 (Just below this post) would like feedback on the following version of the query.

I am seeking representation for my thriller Finding Grace (87,000-words) in which a man must avenge a murder he mustn't allow himself to remember.

Jack Foster is a London-born accountant working in Hong Kong, whose talent for visualizing financial data earns him the tough assignments. After he uncovers a triad money-laundering scheme, the gang’s enforcer brutally murders his wife Mara to derail his investigation. [I can think of a more permanent way to derail Jack's investigation, one that won't have me looking over my shoulder for a revenge-seeking accountant for the rest of my life.]

When a similar murder in Los Angeles makes the tabloids, [The Hong Kong tabloids?] Jack quits his job to travel there and track the killer down. [It would have to be more than just "similar" to convince him the same killer is in action halfway around the world. There are so many murders and serial killers in the US, there's  bound to be a similar one every day or two.] While waiting to depart, he’s sent a link to a video of Mara’s final moments. The trauma wipes all memory of her death and with it, any plans to investigate. He lands in LA, convinced he’s arrived for a new job and Mara will soon be joining him. [Does he wonder why he doesn't remember who his new employer is or when he's supposed to start?]

Jack’s repressed desire for revenge, coupled with his vivid imagination, creates a [illusory] femme fatale who blackmails him into continuing the investigation under the ruse her sister was the victim. His [This] alter ego, Grace, is a killing machine who tortures suspects to death. Together, they walk the line between reality and fantasy while hunting a killer who’s not just an enforcer but the head of a triad whose influence stretches halfway around the world. [It seems to me the head of a triad whose influence stretches halfway around the world would delegate to a henchman such tasks as killing the wife of an accountant who's onto the triad's money-laundering activities. He'd also probably have a US-based enforcer, so he wouldn't have to send his Hong Kong enforcer to LA.]

Now a deadly psychopath has to face his ultimate nightmare—a victim crazier than him [he is]. Only Jack’s strength depends on believing Mara is still alive and to avenge her murder, he must first acknowledge her death. [Those two sentences don't go together. I'm tempted to suggest changing your first paragraph to: I am seeking representation for my thriller Finding Grace (87,000-words) in which a deadly psychopath must face his ultimate nightmare—a victim crazier than he is. Seems less odd than what you have, and catchier. But it may not be an accurate description of the book. Not that that matters if it gets someone to request the manuscript.] [As for the other sentence, I'm not sure how you can say Jack's strength depends on believing Mara is still alive. When he (correctly) believed she was dead, he quit his job to go to LA and track down the killer. A remarkably strong reaction for an accountant.]

Finding Grace plays with the thriller genre like the 7 1/2 Deaths of Evelyn Hardcastle did with the mystery genre. Inspiration goes all the way back to Shutter Island and like the movie Memento, explores themes of perception, grief, and self-deception.

Notes

This is a major improvement as far as describing what happens. It clears up a lot of questions and provides continuity.

I'm not sure whether Grace's killings are as imaginary as Grace, or if Jack, in his alter ego, is killing people, or if the killer of Mara is killing people, and Jack is deluded into thinking Grace is the one behind those killings. A few words could clear this up. In the previous version Grace killed their first suspect. Now I'm wondering if there even was a suspect and if so, whether they were killed, and if so, whether Jack/Grace was the killer. 

Of course it's a rare thriller that doesn't have a few glaring plot holes, but it's best to include as few as possible in the query if there's any way to explain or delete them. For instance, there may be a good reason in the book for the enforcer to also be the head of this worldwide organization, but in the query, he/she can be just a hitman.