Cartoon 18

Caption: Anonymous

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New Beginning 463

Waking from the coma was much easier than all of just about everything else. The lights were off and then- without my doing anything- the lights were on again. I was a suddenly-woken focus of hospital wonder who got baby-spooned small bits of information and food that I nibbled and swallowed. Nurses came and cleaned between my cheeks and welcomed me back. Some reporter came and took my picture. She called me a hero. They all did.

“You’re a hero.“ they all said while I nibbled and swallowed.

I really had to blink my eyes at what I had woken to become. I got trampled by a dozen pairs of boots is what they tell me and I’m a hero? Imagine that? Three and a half months in a coma and you’d think I’d bump into some unique understanding of life’s profundities; and here I am, dumbfounded by a compliment on my second waking day? It’s all a mish mash. Who knew it would all become a mish mash?

Who knew I could get so angry, and “do” those things I think I remember?

They'd been in the bar a while when we got there, those good ol' boys. They'd traveled up from a dry county and had a good soaking in mind. I just wanted a quiet drink and a bite in my own dim corner.

They got louder as they got wetter, and as the volume went up things started to break. Sooner or later someone was gonna get hurt.

But not if I could help it. I slipped out back, cut the brake lines on their pickups and came around front. "Excuse me," I yelled, and for a moment, they did. "I need some help. I just hit a deer down the road."

Who knew it would work so well? Of course, a real hero would have had more sense than to stand in the doorway when he said it.


Opening: Scott from Oregon.....Continuation: Anonymous

Cartoon 17

Caption: BuffySquirrel

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Face-Lift 501

Guess the Plot

The Last Resort

1. The all-inclusive island vacation destination of La Boraca is normally a peaceful, family-friendly place. But now, people are dying. Can security chief Hector Vargos figure out the connection between the bodies and find the killer before this becomes his last resort?

2. Somebody with a grudge is blowing up all the resorts in Orlando. Damian and Marie McVellyan have their fingers crossed, hoping that these environmental terrorists will ignore the Motel 6 they manage, and it'll eventually be . . . The Last Resort.

3. Her post-divorce party is going to be huge, if Lola can find a Las Vegas hotel room during the hardware show. She settles for The Last Resort on the edge of town, but when her guests start disappearing, Lola must play detective. Is there a murderer on the loose, or is it just that Lola's parties are deadly boring?

4. They've been driving along the desert freeway for what seems like forever. Up ahead, they spot a glorious fantastical image: a huge castle complex. They're exhausted. But if they stop, will they ever be able to escape . . . the Last Resort?

5. CarePark Nursing Home is the "Last Resort" most of its residents will ever visit. But Goldie Goldberg, a quadriplegic former prostitute, isn't going gently into that good night. She gives her doctor, Julie Sternberg, an education in life--along with a few dating tips.

6. After a century of out-of-control Global Warming, four holy men each recieve a prophecy that leads them to the last remaining ski resort - on the top of Mt. Everest. There they find an unininvited guest - orphaned 14 yr. old Sean. Can he hitch a ride on their latter-day Noah's Ark?


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

I’m writing to you with regard to my recently completed novel, The Last Resort, a 67,000-word fictional memoir.

Dr. Julie Sternberg is excited to begin her helping career counseling the elderly and infirm of CarePark Nursing Home. [Three hours later she's seriously considering quitting and taking a job as a cafeteria server.] She quickly discovers that infirm hardly describes the strong-willed quadriplegic former prostitute she is charged with “fixing” by the hardnosed administrator. Goldie Goldberg, along with her young peers, challenges Dr. Sternberg’s blithe assumption of health and wellbeing and puts her dating problems into perspective. [Is Goldie the ex-prostitute or the administrator? I assume she's the ex-prostitute just from the name, but who, in a nursing home, is likely to have young peers? A patient or an administrator?] As CarePark’s elderly reminiscence about their regrets and successes, Dr. Sternberg receives an education in how to live that surpasses any knowledge she picked up in grad school. [I once stared at my hand for five minutes and gained knowledge that surpassed what I picked up in grad school.] Caught up in her patients’ dramas, she finds herself at odds with the powerful administrator and struggling with an ethical dilemma that threatens her job and her faith in the health care system.

The Last Resort reveals a surprisingly funny world [Call it what it is--a laugh-a-minute, side-splitting romp through the boffo world of eldercare.] based on my early experience as a psychologist in nursing homes. Now with over twelve years in long-term care, I contribute scholarly articles to trade publications, conduct workshops, and lecture in my field. [Anything to keep me out of the actual nursing homes.] I’m an active member of two writers groups and have been published in an on-line magazine.

I would be pleased to send you my manuscript at your request. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,


Notes

You need to spend more time on the main plot, which I assume is: she finds herself at odds with the powerful administrator and struggling with an ethical dilemma that threatens her job and her faith in the health care system. Her patients' dramas and her miserable love life can be mentioned, but there's more here than a series of vignettes, right? There's the conflict between the naive grad who discovers that old people are still alive, and the administrator who insists that they aren't. Focus the query on that.

Give us the name of the administrator. Unless it's Goldie Goldberg, in which case change the name of the administrator.

New Beginning 462

Bryan, our wingman and designated driver for the night stopped the SUV and opened the door. The smell of farm animals, the sound of night birds and the chill of spring accosted our senses. No moon. No streetlights. No stars. No nightlights. No motor noises, just the silence of the great outdoors greeted us.

The arboretum loomed even blacker in front of us. Old Man Gandar said his great-grandfather discovered this mossy mound because it sat all green and growing in the middle of winter, a hot mound in the middle of hot springs. He built a greenhouse over it and used it to grow exotic plants. Jerry-Man, his son and heir, turned the arboretum into our own private rubber bondage clubhouse.

We all piled inside the arboretum, lit the candles and stripped naked; six shaved, pink bodies waiting to be clothed in rubber.

No socks. No underwear. Just rubber. Huge, man-sized condoms that covered us from head to toes.

Bill fell on his face and couldn't get up. Bryan waddled around in his until he tripped over a tree root. I watched his pink, shaved feet waggle in the air until it dawned on me that I couldn't breathe.

Not enough thought had gone into this.

Opening: Dave F......Continuation: BuffySquirrel

Cartoon 16

Caption: Anonymous

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New Beginning 461

It wasn’t crowded in The Regulator Bookshop. Tricia had finished rereading Sheila Levine is Dead and Living in New York the night before, and she wanted something new, something she hadn’t read, something hot off the press. She was in the front of the store, across from the cash registers, where the newer books were shelved. She chose four paperbacks, based on the titles on their spines, not even a peek at the cover art, and took them to the café downstairs. She ordered café au lait.

Seated in the café was a ruggedly handsome man wearing jeans and a black shirt, reading a book. Tricia took the seat across from him and set her mug and books on the table next to her. He looked up. "Four books?" he said. "You must be a fast reader; the place closes in a few hours."

Tricia smiled and said, "I’m just taking them for a test drive. I read the first ten pages. If I want to read more, I buy it." Handsome guy, she thought. And he knows how to read. Wish I could see the title on that book. Probably some book on how to build a deer blind. Then again, what’s wrong with that? The carpenters on Trading Spaces are hunks.

She glanced at one of her books and looked up again. "I haven't seen you here before."

He smiled. "Here on business," he said.

"What do you do?"

He took a sip of his coffee. "Contract work, mostly. This is my busiest season."

Spring. Of course. He had to be a builder; or a landscape gardener. The rugged, outdoors type. "You must be glad of a break." She tried to make out the spine of his book. Was it Practical Landscaping, or An Encyclopedia of Power Tools? Practical Roof Repairs? She couldn't stand it. "What are you reading?"

He lifted up the book. "Pennsylvania State Tax Code (2007) 2nd Edition."

"I need to run upstairs and exchange these," she said, grabbing up her books and coffee. "Not what I was expecting." Man, you really can't judge a book by its cover.


Opening: Anonymous.....Continuation: Anonymous

Cartoon 15

Caption: Anonymous

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Cartoon 14

Caption: Tal

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Face-Lift 500!!

Guess the Plot

Time and Tide

1. A Tsunami threatens to destroy a  Pacific island - and more importantly, its last surviving Yellow Bellied Toad. Can dedicated naturalist Stephanie Peters keep the toad safe from harm in a bunker - or will both of them drown before starvation forces her to commit genocide?

2. A young man has visions of the future. Apparently caused by the tides. Anyway, hoping to profit from his gift, he sets up shop as an oracle. When, in a vision, he sees his fiancee murdered, he rushes home to prevent it. But will he find that seeing the future and changing it are two different things?

3. Shakespeare said that time and tide wait for no man, but nuclear physicist Phyllicia Higgs-Boson has spent her career trying to prove The Bard wrong. With "Atlas," the giant, pulse-pounding, heart-throbbing contraption strapped onto her back, can she stop time and reverse the tide?

4. Though the sign on the wall says "Washing Cycle 25 Minutes" it's really more like 40 minutes. It gives Miranda time to reflect on her upbringing in The Bronx, her abusive marriage, the suicide of her only son in El Salvador and the fact that those little packets of detergent cost more, pound for pound, than caviar.

5. When Professor Mendeldorf uses his time machine to go forward 50 years, he fails to account for global warming. What was Richmond, Virginia when he began, is now the Atlantic Ocean. And the time machine doesn't float. And the tide is in.

6. When Romeo Carp books a cruise, he's hoping to escape the rat race. But after three weeks without a port of call, he begins to suspect that time is passing a little too slowly. Is there any way off of a ship to nowhere?


Today, in honor of Face-Lift 500, I'm instituting a new feature. I call it Evil Eyes. How it works is this: as the query progresses, instead of inserting blue comments which invariably interrupt the flow, I'll periodically show the degree to which my eyes have glazed over. Here are some of the more common symbols, and the thought processes that usually accompany them:


Just once I'd like to pick up a halfway decent query. Maybe this'll be the one. I don't even care if the book sucks. Just a halfway decent query would be refreshing.






Uh oh, he's losing me already. Should I hang in there in case it becomes comprehensible? Nah. What are the odds of that?







I should have been an agent. One whose website says he doesn't accept new clients.







Christie Brinkley. I could make her happy.








Zombies? Did you say zombies?!!!

WTF?! Are you serious?

What are you doing in my office? No! Don't shoot! She came on to me! I didn't know she was your wife!










Original Version


Dear Evil Agent,

The Touched carry the blood of gods. With that blood comes power--at the price of their humanity. The Circle of Grimhild, an order of the Touched, once tried to conquer a continent, leading to the rise of the Inquisitors. When the Inquisitors discover a Touched bloodline in Nagryth, the Church drives the Elysian Empire to invade it in an attempt to quash the last bloodlines. But not even the Inquisitors suspect that some of the Touched have reformed the Circle.

Rudra, a burgeoning oracle, finds the pull of the tides gives him prescient visions. Despite his powers, he fails to protect Nagryth from the Empire. To save his people from slavery, he agrees to join the very army that conquered them. At least until a vision reveals an Inquisitor killing his betrothed. Though he deserts the army and rushes home, everything plays out as he foresaw it. His brother, Bala, saves him from suicidal revenge, but Rudra instead falls into fatalistic depression.

Rather than endanger his people by remaining among them, he flees into the heart of the Elysian Empire. Saving the life of a young noblewoman draws him into the service of her brother Agloval and gives renewed purpose to his life. But Gaheris, a rival noble manipulated by the Circle, attempts to seize power from Agloval. Rudra foresees the murder of Gaheris’s mother and fears her death with spark a war.

But his attempt to save her thrusts her into the arms of her killer and creates a self-fulfilling prophecy. As every dark future he has seen comes to fruition, he descends back into fatalism. Rudra loses his brother and his best friends, leading him to launch a berserk campaign against Gaheris and the Circle. But when he discovers the mother he thought dead among the Circle, he realizes the Touched bloodline survives in him. The power it offers might grant him his only chance to destroy the Circle, but the price could be his soul.

I am seeking representation for my fantasy novel Time and Tide, complete at 122,000 words, the first book in a series. I have a forthcoming short story in this setting accepted by The Harrow. I would like to send you a complete copy of the manuscript. Thank you for your time. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,


Notes

Rudra agrees to join the empire's army to save his people from slavery? What kind of army makes a deal like that? We were planning to enslave your entire country now that we've conquered you, but if you alone join our army we'll call off the whole thing? Wouldn't they just say, "We're enslaving your entire country, including you. Welcome to the army, Private Rudra."?

The first four sentences introduce The Touched, The Circle of Grimhild, the Inquisitors, Nagryth, the Church, and the Elysian Empire. I can't tell which of them, if any, are the good guys. We know the Circle tried to conquer a continent, but not if they succeeded, and not if we wanted them to succeed or fail. We know this gave rise to the Inquisitors, but we don't know if they rose from the continent, the Circle, the rest of the Touched, or none of them. The good news is, we don't care about anything in the first paragraph, so instead of fixing it you can scrap it.

When you're having prescient visions, how do you determine that they're caused by the tides? Wouldn't you think that if the tides caused visions, everyone would be having them?

You're hoping we'll care about Rudra, so start with him. Though he foresaw his country's defeat in battle, the oracle Rudra was unable to prevent it. To save his people from slavery he agrees to use his powers to aid the enemy--until he sees, in a vision, his betrothed being murdered (by the enemy?). He rushes home, but is too late.

Wracked with guilt and depression, Rudra's life no longer has purpose. Then he meets Agloval, a nobleman who is being threatened by an evil organization known as the Circle. Can Rudra help defeat the Circle? Or will the Circle be unbroken?

You can add to that, but stick with Rudra, and don't list everything he does. What's his goal, what's standing in his way, and how does he plan to overcome his biggest obstacle?

 

New Beginning 460

August 22, 2005
Sunset
<8:20>

Laz asked Will to toss him the salt, fully aware of what his request would invite.

A smile slid across Will’s thin cheeks. His fork clattered onto his plate. He snatched the hourglass salt/pepper shaker and lobbed it across the dining room table before his wife, Nell, could speak. Her impending protest disappeared in a gasp as she watched one of her prized knick-knacks arc end over end, glinting in the orange candlelight as it passed over the place settings.

Her fears were groundless. Without looking up from his soup, Laz caught the shaker in his free hand and used it.

Will pounded on the table with laughter. Nell closed her mouth, rolled her eyes, and then joined her husband’s mirth. Lazarus conceded a smile but allowed nothing else to mar his dry façade.

This stolid demeanor came easy to him. Will and Nell were his closest friends. Spending time with them brought his only joy over the last four years. But even this joy couldn’t touch the melancholy at his core. A painful vacuum that made keeping a dead, unresponsive manner during a joke as easy as screaming when you pound your thumb with a hammer.


<9:05>

Laz wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and pushed his plate away. He stared at the white tablecloth. Nell asked him how was it. He said it was okay.

Nell took a deep breath. She couldn't believe they kept inviting this ungrateful, miserable fucker over; it was like he wanted to get under their skin. She glared at Will. Will looked at Laz and offered him more Chateau Latour. "I want root beer," he said.


<9:08>

Nell jumped up, grabbed a bottle from the fridge and pitched it across the room. Laz didn't even try to catch it. It caught him right on the temple and he keeled over backwards. Suicide by pop.


Opening: Gareth Bendall.....Continuation: ril

Cartoon 13

Caption: Anonymous

Your caption on the next cartoon! Link in sidebar.

New Beginning 459

Standing on the median strip of the highway, washed intermittently in light, he chooses his name. He has had his old one for three months, and that is long enough. He has been in California for three days, and that is far too long.

He is on the coastal highway, one abrupt drop away from the ocean. Before sunset, he'd seen the water—rocks flung out like ponderous accidents into the glass-calm of the tide, pelicans and cormorants circling down to land on them with a lazy lack of intent. There were so many birds, roosting even on near-vertical faces, that the skins of the rocks looked black and boiling.

The driver who brought him to this point had bought him a drink at a bar just off the highway, right by the water. It was a nicer bar than the ones he'd been to in the Rockies or the Midwest: carpets rather than gap-toothed floorboards, jazz rather than country. Michael—the driver—hadn't offered him money, but he'd given him a clean bandanna and a word of advice: Get the hell out of California, son.

That's what I'm planning, he'd told Michael, who slapped him, a fraction too hard, on the back.

Why do people do that? he wonders. Everything was cool and then Michael goes and does that shit. He looks down at the inky water. And now they're gonna blame me, when they find him and his car tomorrow. If only the damn thing hadn't hung up on those rocks.


Opening: Juliet.....Continuation: ManyAndVaried

Face-Lift 499

Guess the Plot

Love Inferno

1. Hunky fireman Jett Avery has been depressed ever since the fire that killed his best friend. But when he meets Nurse Roxanne he ignites a flaming inferno deep within her, and discovers that playing with fire can be fun.

2. It's business as usual at the Haight-Ashbury Free Clinic for Dr. Percival Green-- the arrival of yet another new venereal disease, the Love Inferno. Can the good Dr. find love without flames? Also, a horny panda.

3. Porn stars Viv Lickum and Gary Coonch are shoe-ins to win the year's Best Love Scene Award, until they learn of a young couple who are burning up the cameras. Can Viv and Gary turn the heat even higher in their new movie Love Inferno, or will they have to kill the competition?

4. When the New York Vampire Clan - Big Apple Blood Suckers - hold their spring social, Scarlet Emmenecker learns more than the tango, samba and electric slide. Her hunky dance teacher introduces her to the latest craze - the Love Inferno - and she, in turn, drains his blood.

5. An elite society of Dante fanciers hears that one of their own has been murdered. They promptly agree that it's none of their affair. Unfortunately the murdered member's spirit begins attending meetings and informing them of points of agreement between Dante's Hell and his. He can't rest until they publish a new translation of 'Inferno' with his notes. But is the world ready for an explicit, sexy romp through Hell?

6. There's a new gentlemen's club in LA: the Love Inferno, with the usual exotic dancers and overpriced drinks. It also has a VIP Room, where customers seem to vanish, only to reappear later, weak and disheveled. Just what does lurk behind the velvet rope?


Original Version

Dear Ms. Agent,

I watch your blog with interest and have queried you in the past. I would like to submit my newest romance novel, currently untitled, [Untitled? Sending a query for an untitled book to an agent is bad enough, but sending one to Evil Editor is worse. Have you noticed that the other 498 Face-Lifts on this blog start with Guess the Plot? Lucky for you EE was able to come up with the perfect title for your book.] complete at approximately 55K.

After suffering the devastating loss of his best friend's death in a recent warehouse fire, fireman Jett Avery has been haunted by flashbacks of that fateful night. Using sex as a balm to bury his pain and grief, his own brand of psycho-therapy helps to keep the agonizing images at bay for a while, but the flashbacks begin to incapacitate Jett with sleep disturbances, anxiety, and depression. [Then he sees an ad for Viagra and realizes he can continue his psycho-therapy indefinitely, depression or not.] Driven by a need to cure his PTSD, he's in search of the one woman whose touch can douse the flames of his own personal hell, [Aquawoman.] without strings or commitment. [He wants a relationship without commitment? It sounded like he already had that. Who's he been having sex with, the other firemen?]

With her thirtyith [Did you run spellcheck?] birthday imminent, Roxanne Carter is more than ready to settle down. She dreams of a family of her own, complete with white picket fence, 2.2 children, and a dog. [Spoiler alert: she gets the fence and dog but has to settle for 1.75 children.]As the big Three-0 approaches, [No need to open one sentence "With her thirtieth birthday imminent," and another sentence "As the big Three-0 approaches." Lop one of them off (preferably the one with "thirtyith").] she's doubled her efforts on the single scene to find the perfect man. Speed dating, double dating, blind dating, and internet dating have proved fruitless, leaving her [with no choice but to rear-end guys' cars and then ask them out.] [Hey, it would work on me.] stuck in a kind of dating purgatory made worse after Jett Avery tries to pick her up in a bar. As an emergency room nurse, she thought she could handle any catastrophe to come her way. But suddenly, the hot fireman with sinful abs and crystal grey eyes is everywhere, extinguishing her attempts to find the perfect match. [Not sure I'd compare this situation to an emergency room "catastrophe."]

Roxanne tries to resist the flaming inferno bad boy Jett ignites deep within her, knowing he's definitely not husband material. For Jett, playing with fire has never been so much fun, and soon, he discovers he's caught in another blaze beyond his control.

I'm a member of RWA, I recently contracted with The Wild Rose Press, selling my first book, XXX. [Is that the title or the rating?] I'm an intensive care nurse currently residing in Arizona, and draw a lot of my ideas for my books from my work [and my bar-hopping]. I appreciate your time and look forward to sending my manuscript for your review.

Sincerely,

Notes

Here's how it looks: Jett is picking up women in bars and sleeping with them because of his flashbacks, but it isn't satisfying and he wants to find Ms. Right. His solution: pick up another woman in a bar. If he doesn't want a committed relationship, what exactly does he want from Roxanne that he wasn't already getting? And if he does want a committed relationship, why is he picking up a woman in a bar? (Not that you can't find Ms. Right in a bar, but where's he been finding his Ms. Wrongs?)

Also, saying he's "everywhere, extinguishing her attempts to find the perfect match" makes him sound like a stalker. Is he following her around?

She's doubled her efforts to find a guy, yet she's still in dating purgatory . . . yet a hunky guy who's attracted to her is unappealing? Assuming she went into the bar hoping to find someone who might conceivably be husband material, what was wrong with Jett? I think it needs to be more clear on why he thinks she's the solution to his problems, and why she thinks he isn't her solution.

Other possible titles: Flames of Passion, Burning Desire, and My Loins are on Fire, and You'll Do.

Cartoon 12

Caption: Evil Editor

Your caption on the next cartoon! Link in sidebar.

Book Trailer 3

Still no evidence here that book trailers lead to sales, but third time's the charm.

Cartoon 11

Caption: Blogless_Troll

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Cartoon 10

Caption: McKoala

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Book Trailer, Take 2

My previous book trailer had no effect. I've learned from my mistakes and put together a tighter trailer that focuses on just one book. Enjoy.

Face-Lift 498

Guess the Plot

The Brave Little Onion

1. After losing a court case to the giant, Ruta Bagle, Stinky McScallion projects a brave front to keep her neighbor from depositing chicken litter on the back forty acres.

2. From the author of "The Shallow Shallot" and "Greedykins Garlic" comes another in the best-selling children's series "Happiness is Halitosis."

3. "Don't cry," her momma said. But what's a little onion to do? Pearl doesn't want to wind up chopped, sauteed or carmelized. But then she meets an anchovy-stuffed olive who teaches her that there's an entirely different career choice for a diminutive onion. Provided, of course, she can learn to swim and overcome her fear of toothpicks.

4. The true story of how a group of unhirable Liberal Arts majors created an unstoppable comic force.

5. Consigned to the vegetable drawer with the evil Miss Chipotle Pepper and her gang of pomadoro thugs, Pearl Onion discovers there's a bigger danger in town when Mung the Moldy threatens to envelop everyone in fungus. Prequel to The Burpless Cucumber Saves the Party.

6. After a routine check-up at Dr. Shallot's surgery, Vidalia's is devastated to learn she is suffering from stemphyllium blight. She vows to do good in the world during the little time she has left. As the layers of this story are peeled back, even the strongest reader will be left in tears.

Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

"Have you ever wondered why onions are so green and stinky?" asked the raging-red, Miss Chipotle Pepper. Thus begins my allegorical and multicultural "Early Reader" novel of 20,000 words, "The Brave Little Onion." [If you replace "allegorical and multicultural" with "funny" it'll sound less like a hoax.] When Pearl Onion and her six sisters are stacked into the vegetable bin.

From the early days on a family farm in Central Ohio with bright sun and abundant water to the frantic time of pulling and the freezing, dark 18-wheeler, Pearl Onion wins and loses friends in the vegetable world as she is process, weighed and priced into one of California's upscale supermarkets. In the display case, she finds a love and rejection with a Mayan sweet. Discovering the first whiffs of conspiracy from the pepper patch, Pearl Onion attempts to organize the Spanish Red and Bermuda Yellow onions into a fighting force. Before her plan can be executed, she's purchased and consigned to the vegetable drawer.

As the days pass, Pearl learns of other cultures; from the unwrapping of the Bright Green Oriental Cabbage and the peeling of the Exotic Asian Mangoes, to the evil rumor mongering of Miss Chipotle Pepper and her gang of pomadoro thugs. However, an even greater conspiracy threatens life in the vegetable drawer. Mung the moldy from the White Asparagus enters and threatens to envelope the drawer in green, white and black fungus.

Can the brave little Pearl and her sister onions defeat the evil Mung? OR will the entire vegetable drawer turn black and succumb to an odiferous liquid mutiny? Victory rides with Boston Lettuce and Idaho Potatoes.

The Brave Little Onion is the first of a series with work subsequent titles being: The Burpless Cucumber Saves the Party, The Prune and Rabbit Soiree' and The Great White Truffle Sings for His Dinner.

I am a college-educated [University of North Carolina at Shallot] writer with technical publications [in such magazines as (links provided not because there's anything interesting there, but to prove I didn't make them up) Spudman, Corn and Soybean Digest and Artichoke.]. The completed manuscript is ready for your perusal. Thank you for your time and effort.


Notes

First of all, get rid of "Victory rides with Boston Lettuce and Idaho Potatoes." These characters haven't even been in the query. At this late date, you're better off not mentioning them, even if they are the heroes.

Normally it's not necessary to include that you're college-educated (though when your title is The Brave Little Onion, maybe it's a good idea to imply that you're not six years old).

Besides, "I am college-educated" sounds like something you'd say if you dropped out after your first semester, and now you're hoping they don't ask you to elaborate.

"Early Reader" novel of 20,000 words? My early reader was about Ted and Sally, with vocabulary words like See Boots run. Run, Boots, run. Are you sure early readers are ready for Oriental, Exotic, Chipotle, pomodoro, thugs, fungus, soiree, truffle? (These are the ones I suspect are in the books; others, like upscale, mongering, conspiracy, odiferous may appear only in the query . . . but the editor of The Brave Little Onion may not be that impressed by adult vocabulary. Keep in mind that first-reader slush piles are handled by six-year-olds in Asian sweat shops.

Has a few minor errors you'll want to clean up, including "pomodoro," "processed," "envelop." And the third sentence isn't.

The main problem may be that the age range for kids who read 20,000-word books with this vocabulary may not intersect with the age range of kids who would be intrigued by a book called The Brave Little Onion. Little kids aren't going to get much of the humor, and if your audience is, say, fourth graders, you need a better title, something like Onions versus Peppers: The Vegetable Drawer Wars.