Face-Lift 288

Guess the Plot

The Leprechaun Connection

1. Popeye Doyle and Cloudy Russo come out of retirement for one more bust after stumbling on a container-load of Lucky Charms.

2. Taran McSwilligan is only an eighth-grade geek, but even he can see the problems extant in using live leprechauns as relay switches for his eire-ish island's electrical system. Can Taran perfect his leprechaun cryo-freeze and stabilize the connections before the whole year's stash of frozen fish melts into a steaming puddle of fertilizer?

3. Hired to track down a billionaire's daughter, a private eye stumbles upon a dimension of elves, gnomes . . . and leprechauns. Not only that, she must assume the throne to prevent all of humanity from slipping into the black hole of nothingness.

4. The manufacturer of Amy's new cell phone used warm fuzzy names for all the parts, so she wasn't surprised to find a button for the "leprechaun connection." But she was surprised to push it and find herself lost in a patch of clover, with huge bees buzzing overhead.

5. Moira's mission is to get crucial documents from Belfast to Stockholm, but getting the documents out of Ireland is proving tricky--and she's being followed by a dark stranger who may be after more than the papers. Can Moira reach the dropoff point to make . . . The Leprechaun Connection?

6. When the DEA recruits his roommate Julian to discover Andy's mushroom source, Julian is shocked to find the source is an actual Leprechaun. Will the DEA believe him? Also, a centaur with bladder control issues and an exhibitionist wood nymph.


Original Version

To the Evilest of All Editors:

Why are leprechauns stealing human children to work in factories purloined from forest gnomes? [I don't know. And odds are you aren't going to tell me.]

P.I. Puck Railian would like an answer as she tracks down a billionaire’s kidnapped daughter.
She almost captures [is about to capture] a leprechaun when elven warrior Kellen, who insists she is the lost heir to the throne of Shadowrealm, waylays her. He agrees to help her find the missing girl if Puck ascends Shadowrealm’s throne in a coup overthrowing the troll-led government. All Puck wants to do is find the kid to collect her reward. The closer she gets to finding the girl, the more she learns about herself. [Dump that sentence; it interrupts the flow of the plot description.] But when she discovers that her father is still alive and held prisoner by the corrupt leader, it only entangles her deeper into the politics of Earth’s alternate dimension, Shadowrealm. If Puck refuses the throne, the consequences are dire as a rift between the two worlds will widen, imploding both worlds, spilling banshees, ogres, humans, and gnomes into the black hole of nothingness. [The black hole of nothingness! I think we've finally found a phrase to replace the nexus of time travel itself.] [It seems to me that if the rightful heir not being on the throne would open the black hole of nothingness, it would already be open. It would have opened when the troll leader took the throne. We'd all be dead.]

Will Puck find the missing child? Will she discover the leprechaun connection? Will she be able to prevent a civil war in Shadowrealm? Will she fall [into the black hole of nothingness?] for the handsome elven warrior? [And last but not least, Why are leprechauns stealing human children to work in factories purloined from forest gnomes?] The answer to these questions, and more, lie between the pages of THE LEPRECHAUN CONNECTION. [Between the pages? What's on the pages?]

I had a difficult time researching this novel, since alternate dimension traveling is out of my financial ability. I did manage a trip to Germany to view the gnome’s Black Forest factories, and I must say the sale of wooden smokers, nutcracker, and ornaments are providing the gnomes a thriving cottage industry. And I’m happy to report the Scottish Doonies are back to their shape-shifting tricks again, according to the locals. [Very cute. Now get rid of it. Your editor/agent may want to meet her latest client. You don't want her worrying that it's going to go:

You: Sorry I'm late. Gnomes and elves stole my luggage at the airport.

Editor: Heh heh. Nice to meet you. Your book--

You: Ah, you're wondering how I know so much about leprechauns and fairies. I grew up in a giant toadstool in Candyland.

Editor: Cute. Now about your contract, I'll need you to sign--

You: Wait, let me get out my lucky pen. It writes with magic potion instead of ink.

Editor: Get out. Get out or I'll have you thrown out.]

The Leprechaun Connection is a 120,000-word fantasy adventure. My protagonist Puck has been compared to a mixture of Evanovich’s Stephanie Plum and hard-boiled noir detectives of the 1940’s. [Sort of a klutzy Sam Spade.] [Was this comparison made by Janet Evanovich and James Ellroy? Or by a friend of yours?] I’ve included a few sample pages for your perusal. The full manuscript is available upon request, though it might be somewhat delayed due to the fairies claiming union rules, For some reason they are insisting upon a break every three hours to toke some pixie dust and clean the ink off their feet.

Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,


Notes

Those last two paragraphs pretty much guarantee that your manuscript will end up in . . .

The
Black
Hole
of
Noth-
ing-
ness.

You have a protagonist for adults, but I'm not sure how many adults will want to read about leprechauns, gnomes, fairies, etc. The title and setting sound more like they'll appeal to kids. Maybe you should make up the Shadowrealm characters, or at least use fewer known fantastical creatures.

Is there a reason for naming the character Puck? No one has that name. And I believe it's been used in at least one work involving fairyland creatures already.

New Beginning 235

Kathryn couldn't stop staring at herself in mirrors these days. Studying the colour of her eyes, the slope of her nose and the shape of her lips consumed her attention every time she used a bathroom, rode the elevator to Dr. Harkman's office or tried on clothes at the mall with Marice.

Was that the exact shade of blue as her father's eyes? Would her nose look just like Mom's if it didn't have that funny hump from the hockey incident in grade four? Weren't her lips the same delicate M shape under her nose as her grandmother's? How could she be adopted?

In a show of truly insensitive planning, her parents had sprung the news on her sixteenth birthday, deeming her old enough to know the truth now that she was old enough to drive. The promise of lessons, the emerald birthstone earrings, and the new sketchbook all diminished into the background like her biology project, paling in importance before the news that her family was not her own.

"You are SUCH a drip," Marice said when Kathryn told her. "You should be playing this for all it's worth! A crappy pair of earrings? After they've scarred you for life? It's gonna take at least a matching emerald tennis bracelet to console you. And a BMW, the second you get your license."

Kathryn hadn't thought about that. Nor had she caught on to the fact that now she wouldn't inherit her mother's enormous butt, or her grandmother's hammer toes, or Dad's receding hairline.

Maybe this being adopted stuff wasn't so bad after all.


Opening: Starstruck.....Continuation: Marissa Doyle

Face-Lift 287

Guess the plot

Voice of Darkness

1. Soprano Antoinette Aphrodite LeFay has a voice that can shatter glass. Unfortunately, when she hits the high note in her aria, she shatters every light bulb in La Scala.

2. Girly-girl Alexa Tate lives in New York City and adores Manolo Blahniks. She's also an alien, sent to Earth to destroy mankind. Or to save it; she's not sure which. Maybe the Voice of Darkness knows?

3. Secret Agent Mae Wong and her new hubby are ready for their first night in their new home. But what is that diabolical laughter coming from under the bed? Could it be . . . the Voice of Darkness?

4. A nameless faceless horror haunts pizza guy Sparky Barnes as he races through the dim streets of Newberry in a car full of vipers.

5. PoonTang Jrard might be the one member of Dominion Force too unimportant to kill, but thanks to her gift of The Dark Song, she'll be kicking some serious Blufard butt when the time comes.

6. B'rath N'Hallow is the last in a long line of Shield-Men, charged to protect the island of Norland for all eternity. His life seems plotted for him--until he hears a Voice telling him, "Come inside, Timmy, it's getting dark."


Original Version

Meet Alexa Tate. She's a girly-girl with serious skills - like space-shifting, controlled free-falling, and tracking her prey by scent - who loves red meat and hates blind dates. [Maybe her blind dates would go better if she didn't see her dates as rump roasts.] She lives in New York City, adores Manolo Blahniks and can outrun absolutely anything.
[Even a cheetah? Even The Flash?] [Even while wearing her Manolo Blahniks?]Oh yes, and she isn't human. She's Other. [What with the Others on the TV show Lost, and the movie The Others, calling Alexa's race "Other" may not seem too original. I suggest changing a single letter, making it "Otter." Kids are sick of books about ducks and mice and dogs. Otters are much more interesting, especially otters that are faster than cheetahs and wear Manolo Blahniks. I envision a series of children's books starring Alexa Otter: Alexa Otter's Blind Date; Alexa Otter Cooks a Pork Loin; Alexa Otter and the Missing Manolos. I recommend dropping your project immediately and learning everything you can about otters. This is gonna be big.]

Live Otter Cam

Until recently, Alexa thought her powers were a gift to be used in her own signature style of vigilante justice. Now she's worried that she wasn't sent to save mankind but to destroy it. [What caused her to start worrying about this?] And she wasn't sent alone.

Someone is watching her. Tracking her. Hunting. For the first time in her life, Alexa is the prey and her hunter isn't human. He's Other. [See how much better that would sound if it were Otter?] And he's out for blood. [That's six sentences just to say she's being hunted by another Other.]

Voice of Darkness is a 94,000 word paranormal novel written in the first person perspective of a heroine who regularly kicks ass and takes names. I've enclosed the first three chapters for your consideration. I appreciate your time.

Sincerely,


Notes

These people who are Other: they refer to themselves as Other? That seems backwards. There's yourselves, and there are others. If the story's told from Alexa's POV, wouldn't she think of humans as Other?

You might want to get more specific about her vigilante justice in the opening paragraph. Maybe start it:

Meet Alexa Tate, a girly-girl with serious skills - like space-shifting and controlled free-falling. Alexa hates blind dates, adores Manolo Blahniks and spends her spare time hunting down criminals the NYC cops can't handle. Oh, and she's also an otter.

That's less listy. That she likes red meat doesn't exactly set her apart from the rest of the population. Otters prefer fish, anyway.

To Evil Editor, it was intriguing to think Alexa realized she was one of a group of Other sent to destroy the Earth, and that she would now try to destroy the other Others to ensure her access to Blahniks. To find that they were hunting her, instead, was less interesting. But maybe that's just me.

New Beginning 234

The sea foamed at the shoreline while the wind carried the mist up the hillside. The breeze shifted, startling a small robin from its perch on an oak tree. The young woman watched it dart into the forest, seeking refuge in the thickness of the trees. She shivered and pulled her cloak tight around her. Usually the trip from Fairedge to Port Rallos took half a day. Fairedge was primarily a fishing village, but Port Rallos was where most of the trade occurred and Port Rallos was closer to the pearl beds. The pearls from Rallos were highly sought after. With the storm brewing she had been delayed by busy fisherman trying to get their business finished for the day. This storm would be a big one, the energy in the air made the hair on her arms stand up and she clutched the small container of trench in her hands.

“Fascinating, lady. So this is the right road? This is the road to Port Rallos?”

The young woman nodded.

“That’s all I asked.”

Marge wound up the window on the little Fiat. “Jesus, Herb,” she said, “either they don’t speak English at all, or you can’t get 'em to shut the freak up. And look at this weather. ‘Let’s go to Europe,’ you said. You didn’t say it was the arse end of Europe. You didn’t say it was some little cat turd of an island in the middle of God knows what ocean that gets rained on twenty-four hours a day and stinks of fish from coast to coast. Didn’t mention that. And what the hell is a container of trench, anyway?”

Herb steered the rental car around a deep pot-hole. “Hmm? What was that, dear?”

Herb played dumb, but he knew about the mystical powers of trench. More importantly, though, he knew Rallos was home to the legendary dragon-slayer of Rarj.


Opening: Rashenbo.....Continuation: ril

Face-Lift 286

Guess the Plot

Voza Sings

1. The Romanian village of Voza was invaded by 27 different armies in a hundred years. The Voza Surrender Chorus is still sung in church on Sundays. But Dracula tourists with plastic fangs are worse than Huns! Vladimir Creanga begs the people to stop the Chorus and use real weapons.

2. Chained to a post in a windowless room by mobsters, ace reporter Nick Voza laughs. Torture him all ya want -- he'll never tell where Maryanne is. So the fiends deploy a secret weapon -- Big Sal, the belly dancing hypnotist.

3. Voza has a singing voice that could fell a deaf yak. When an unlikely series of events has her singing the national anthem in front of the president of the United States, hilarity ensues.

4. Voza travels medieval England alone. He sings, dances, recites poetry, plays a charming lute -- and seduces multitudes of nuns and ladies -- until the Duke of York promises half a kingdom if he leads the Queen astray. But things do not proceed as planned. Is the old bat deaf, or what?

5. The only sound more dreadful than Vogon love poetry is heard, briefly, in the mating season of the greeble-throated Voza. Deaf Dora is the only survivor on the island, but now her hearing is getting better. If she can't attract a rescue ship before next mating season, she's doomed to die horribly when next the . . . Voza Sings.

6. Voza was a chubby little girl. She was a fat teenager. Now, an obese adult, she decides to try out for American Idol. We all know the old phrase, "It's not over 'til the fat lady sings." We just didn't realize "over" meant "Armageddon."


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor:

In most books, the lovable loser transforms herself into a winner everyone admires -- in a span of mere pages. [While in a query letter, the lovable loser has only one page to transform herself into a winner.] What happens if the loser tries with all her might, but still fails spectacularly? [Form rejection letter.]

That's Voza's story. Voza Sings encourages perseverance and rewards heart in this well-paced picture book for early elementary grades. Voza's teacher appoints her to the made-up position of Rest Leader because she has the worst pipsqueak voice in the entire fifth grade chorus, but that doesn't stop Voza's determination to sing. Similar to Bob of the namesake title, [Bob of the namesake title? Meaning Bob from the book Bob Sings? I'm not having any luck with Google or Amazon--unless you're talking about Bob Dylan. Is Bob in this book?] Voza finds her voice differently than most: by inadvertently screeching the national anthem to the President of the United States. [Sadly, Voza's singing is mistaken for ululation, and an overzealous secret service agent concludes she's a terrorist and shoots her.] [How do you inadvertently sing to the president? It's pretty hard to get into the same room with the president inadvertently, and belting out the national anthem without realizing it seems unlikely whether the president's in the room or not.]

Thank you for reading my enclosed manuscript, which I am sending exclusively to you. I hope you fall in love with Voza as much as I did.

Yours sincerely,


Notes

If singing for the president turns out to be a good thing, tell us how. It sounds more like an embarrassing situation.

Perseverance is fine in many fields, but if music is your life, and you can't sing, maybe you should take up a musical instrument. Occasionally the American Idol judges tell a contestant to stick with it, but even Paula seldom says that to the ones who truly suck. Wouldn't the better lesson be Everyone can be good at something, and you should look for your area of talent, rather than Keep trying and you'll be singing at the Met before you know it?

It's awfully short. I realize you are enclosing the entire book, but it wouldn't hurt to describe the plot more fully in the letter.

New Beginning 233

The first sign that something was wrong came when Hansa and Jalal, the saddle-maker's boys, came running down the dirt path before their hour as lookouts was up.

They'd been stationed at the top of the Bone, a scrubby spear of rock that stuck out higher than the rest of the hill where the clan was making camp. Sharp-eyed Parvad saw them first and cried out. It was not long before the whole clan could see them clattering down the path, their feet dislodging tiny avalanches of pebbles as they ran.

Natalja dropped the bunch of arrows she'd been fletching.

"Wrong way!" she yelled. "You're going the wrong way!"

The clan gathered around her; the gasping boys skittering to a halt in front of them.

Hansa looked back to where the Bone seemed to stick up higher than ever.

"It's too big!" cried Jalal. "We'll never make it!"

"It only takes one of us," said Natalja. "Now, come on everyone! This is our moment!"

"We're coming!" they all shouted. The entire clan started to move, led by Natalja, running up the Bone as fast as they could. Many fell by the wayside, flailing uselessly. Only the strongest and fittest would make it to journey's end.

Up the Bone they surged, faster and faster as if pushed by some invisible force. Hansa stayed at Natalja's shoulder, though he knew only one of them could make it.

Teetering at the very tip of the Bone, they launched themselves into space, hurtling forward heedlessly, tumbling toward the oval, greyish sphere floating before them. And then they saw it--an identical sphere, drifting out from behind the first--and they realized that they both would make it!

"Thank God," said Natalja. "Twins."


Opening: Margaret Taylor.....Continuation: McKoala

Face-Lift 285

Guess the Plot

What's for Dinner?

1. Tossed salad with thousand island dressing, baked chicken, rice, and Brussels sprouts. And for dessert, tapioca pudding. Wait, forget all that. Lasagna.

2. The "prize" for winning the school bubble blowing contest is that your mother has to cook dinner for the principal. Carlita wins the contest, but a last minute grocery mix-up leaves her wondering . . . What's for dinner?

3. When the guests at Mary Whitaker's potluck club won't stop asking, "What's for Dinner?" she finally answers: "You are." She pulls the "idiot lever," and the floor falls away, dropping her guests into a giant vat of boiling broth.

4. A band of Neanderthals debates whether the time has come to take a break from sex and stalk a mastodon. They decide it hasn't.

5. From unidentifiable leftovers out of the microwave to ramen over the kitchen sink, America gives up its culinary secrets in this companion volume to What's for Lunch? and the acclaimed What's for Breakfast?

6. Even as Alexander the Great's half-dead army crawls across the scorching desert, they're still complaining. Chef Golgi has provided a lovely selection of thinly sliced camel guts on a bed of fur, but that's not good enough? Let them eat cake, then. He's going to hike back to India -- where his talent was appreciated.


Original Version

Dear Agent:

I am seeking representation for my 5,400 word chapter book manuscript, [You forgot sentence and paragraph. 5400 word sentence paragraph chapter book manuscript.] What’s for Dinner? [5400 words about what's for dinner? Is this a manuscript or the Cheesecake Factory menu?]

Everyone knows ten year-old Carlita Fernandez blows the biggest bubbles in school. So why won't she enter the bubble gum blowing contest? Because she doesn't want to win. Carlita thinks having the school principal over for dinner is more of a punishment than a prize. [She's right. It's like winning Wimbledon, and then finding out that the prize isn't a million dollars, it's that you have to cook dinner for Queen Elizabeth.] [Does the principal eat at the home of every student who accomplishes anything? Or does it take a really important accomplishment, like blowing a bubble or walking upright?]

But Carlita’s mother disagrees. Mami jumps at the possibility of hosting Ms. Bader for a traditional Dominican meal. Despite her aversion to bubble gum, Mami presses Carlita to enter. Carlita’s reluctance continues until, goaded by the obnoxious [vice principal,] David Erby, she enters the contest – and wins. [She didn't consider purposely losing?] As dinner with Ms. Bader looms, Carlita argues for serving hamburgers and dressing [Hamburgers and dressing? I prefer them with catsup.] in jeans. She does not want Mami to make her a dress, to use Spanish words or to serve Dominican food, [which consists largely of various tubers more likely to be found in the New York Times crossword puzzle than in a dictionary]. Carlita worries she and Ms. Bader will have nothing to talk about.

When a last minute grocery mix-up threatens the event, [The grocery delivers yautia, mapuye and auyama instead of hamburger buns and ground beef; Mami can't understand how they could screw up so totally.] Carlita has to make a tough choice. The result is a change in plan for dinner, and a change of heart for Carlita.

I think the inter-generational conflicts, ethnic recipes, and light humor in this book will appeal to kids. [What kid wouldn't want to read a sancocho recipe?] I hope you agree. The full manuscript is available on request.

I have enclosed a SASE for your reply. Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,


Notes

The book is the length of a short story. I'm assuming it's not for the age levels reading Dr. Suess-length books (which, come to think of it, includes Evil Editor), as inter-generational conflicts and ethnic recipes would not be so appealing to them. Thus even with large type and lots of pictures, you'll probably get 100 words on a page, which comes out to 54 pages, or 27 thicknesses of paper. That's more like a stapled booklet than a bound book. Have you considered writing five or six stories, each featuring Dominican food, and putting the recipes in the back?

One would think Mami's aversion to bubble gum would have been a major obstacle in Carlita's quest to become the best bubble blower in the school. Apparently Carlita isn't the most obedient child.

"Idiot lever" from Guess the Plot #3? Anagram for Evil Editor.

New Beginning 232

The Ashana stood outside the small hut. Her mind deep in thought, behind her the moaning grew quiet and finally faded to nothing. There was a moment before the crying of the infant began. His skin not yet dry and he had felt his mother's passing. The Ashana turned, quickly walking back inside.

"Hurry, cover the babe." The Ashana handed some blankets to the young healer.

"What will we do Ashana? The mother's spirit has crossed and the child bears the mark." The healer gathered their materials and tied them into bundles that would fit on their horses.

"Her spirit is gone. We leave the body and take the babe. The Hiromen will be on their way. The Di-Shana watch the skies tonight and will send them for the boy. We can not allow that." The Ashana picked the infant up, rocking him softly. "No longer will I stand by."

The healer stood, she gently pulled a blanket over the body on the hearth. The Ashana waited and then pushed the baby into her arms."You will take the boy to the far lands."

The boy's father stepped forward and looked, pleading, at the two women. "Is there no other way?"

The Ashana sighed. "The laws are written. I am sorry."

Grief-stricken and laden with guilt, the father turned away. He should have known no good would come from switching to a low-cost HMO.


Opening: Rashenbo.....Continuation: ril

Success Story

Hi, Evil!

I just wanted to drop you a line to inform you that I received an email this morning from Wild Rose Press offering a contract for my first novel, The Space Between. After your assistance with the query letter, I finally attracted the attention of a very nice editor who expressed her enthusiasm for the book.

The Space Between had been set aside in favour of my second novel (remember Bad Ice?) but I had decided to dig it out from under the bed, dust it off and send it to small publishers instead of agents. I guess it was a good decision.

Many thanks for your support, and also that of the many Minions. Maybe now you'll find out how Margaret and David got on that island! And there's a snake in it! And a shark! But no Zamboni in this one (the minions will know what I mean...).

Hugs,

Chumplet

New Beginning 231

Aunt Zinnea's house was full of goblins, dinosaurs, monsters. They were dunking for apples in the basement. They were galloping through the house just fast enough to trip over their own tails and fall crying to the carpet. They cowered in fear of the ghosts and skeletons, clinging to the legs of adults. Grandma Zabronski was holding court in the living room, telling stories and granting wishes by waving a glass swizzle stick and throwing pinches of glitter. Her friend, Mrs. Harris, was reading palms. I appeared as a mermaid, in a glimmering blue gown.

The little darlings loved my ogre cookies. It was wonderful to watch them bite the tiny limbs off and gnaw the big fat heads — which bore a striking resemblance to my boss. The sight was nearly as comforting as jabbing pins in that voodoo doll.

But not nearly as much fun as the kids would have with Mr. O’Gorman’s actual body. I shimmered through the mob and slipped into the darkness of Grandma Zabronski’s bedroom. O’Gorman cringed and averted his eyes. I smiled tenderly as I loosened the gag and held a slender finger to my lips to signal, Quiet.

“Why? Why, Zelda?” O’Gorman’s whisper was hoarse and urgent.

I reached into the bag of candy stashed beside Grandma Zabronski’s night stand. “Open wide, boss. The children were promised an ogre piñata."


Opening: Titania McRoy.....Continuation: CLD

Face-Lift 284

Guess the Plot

Omn's Tears

1. Some people inherit lovely children and Italian villas, but not Omn Turner. All he gets from Mary after 20 years of devotion is 15 dollars, a deaf poodle, and six smelly overcoats.

2. A soldier and a dragonslayer embark upon an epic quest to locate "Omn's Tears," the key to preventing the power-hungry emperor from unleashing a disastrous magic that could unravel all of creation.

3. The other kids teased Omnipuplotto Smirnichovich every day of first grade and he cried so much it ruined his entire life. For second grade, his parents shorten his name to Omn Smir, but the damage is done. He goes on to become The Sobbing Serial Killer.

4. Omn is more than human: he is an immortal embodying the spirit of Yoga. Returning to mortal form in the year 2008, he weeps at the physical state of mankind's midriff and vows to bring Yoga to everyone who has reached the age of majority.

5. When Omn, the moon god, cries, his tears turn to silver-blue flowers called Omn's Tears. When Ro'od finds sixteen Omn's Tears in a perfect circle, she alone understands the omen. Can she find the newly born Chosen One before the evil sorcerer destroys him?

6. Dressmaker to the Queen, Omnibus Pajamay has everything she could wish for--until her tears are found to render fabric colorfast and shrink-proof. Now it's the rack for Omn--and not the one in the closet.


Original Version

Attn. [Agent Name],

I read that you represent works of fantasy, among other genres. My novel, OMN'S TEARS, is a 114,000 word epic fantasy. The sequel, BIRTH OF DARKNESS, is nearing completion, and the third installment is in the planning stages. [The fourth book in the series is currently the gleam of an idea I had last week while bowling. Book five will be based on a dream that I can no longer remember. And the final installment will be written by my as-yet-unborn child.]

The Adiran Enforcers used to be an organization of justice and peace, but when Captain Ryon begins asking too many questions about his recent missions, his eyes are finally opened to the brutality of his fellow soldiers and superiors alike. [Apparently the questions he asked were, What was all that agonized screaming I heard coming from the brig last night? and How come when I came out of the bathroom this morning, everyone on this entire planet had been annihilated?] Now the very people who have long been his comrades-in-arms have become the enemy. [On the other hand, those who have long been his enemies are still his enemies.]

Kain never cared about another living soul in his life. But when the Enforcers hire him to track down the last remaining dragon in Adira, for the first time in his dragon-slaying career he finds himself at a dragon's mercy, bargaining for his life. Forced into helping this dragon track down the information she wants,

[Dragon: You killed my parents, my brothers and sister, and every other dragon in Adira. And you came here to kill me. Now burn!
Kain: Hey, wait a minute, I'll make a deal with you.
Dragon: What kind of deal?
Kain: You let me live, and I'll assist you in tracking down some information. Any information you want. I'm great at finding out stuff.
Dragon: Hmm, I'm dying to know who won the big jousting tournament.]

Kain finds himself in a web of trouble, the least of which is his captor. [A giant spider.] [If his captor is the least of his troubles, shouldn't you be telling us about the most?]

But when Ryon, Kain, and company [Ryon, Kain and company? Kain's working for the Enforcers, and the Enforcers are now Ryon's enemy. How are they in the same company? Why are they in the same company? Who else is in this company? The dragon?] meet an enchanting woman from a mythical realm, [If you're in a realm that has dragons, it takes a bit of nerve to refer to someone else's realm as mythical.] they finally discover the truth: [This makes it sound like they've been searching long and hard for this "truth." The truth about what? There's been no indication that they were after any truth.] the Emperor, in his lust for power, is on the verge of unleashing a disastrous magic that may unravel all of creation. The only way to save their world is to find the remnant power of the Creator, Himself: Omn's Tears. [Which is what? Jewels? An object? Does the enchanting woman tell them where to look? After they find it, do they have to throw it into Mount Doom?]

Most of my writing experience has been in the realm of scientific analysis and journals, due to my graduate student work in physics at University of California, Irvine, from which I currently hold a Master's Degree. This is my first novel.

I would be delighted to send you a full manuscript (or a partial and synopsis) for your consideration. Thank you for your time. I hope to hear from you.

Sincerely,


Notes

So, apparently Kain and Ryon are searching for answers to something, and having no luck. Out of nowhere an enchanting woman appears and fills them in. How convenient. Maybe she should go find the Tears of Omn, whatever they are.

Something's going on that leads Kain and Ryon to work together to try to get answers. Early signs of the unraveling of creation? We need to know what that is.

Amazing how much easier it is to accept a world in which there are dragons than a world in which there are dragons seeking information.

New Beginning 230

That's the last time I touch Vican wine. His head throbbed abominably, and he hesitated to open his eyes. What the hell was all that racket? Moon and stars, can't a man suffer a hangover in peace?

Corporal Jake McGee finally winced his eyes open, then squeezed them shut again as the flashing blue and red strobes seared his brain. Why were the strobes on?

He socked the heel of his hand against his temple, trying to make his brain work. What was the computer shouting? Maybe he should shut off the alarms so he could actually hear the warning.

Wait. Why were the alarms on?

"What the hell is going on around here?" He thumped his fist against the plexiglass cover of his cryotube. "Open, dammit!"

The tube finished equalizing, and the cover unlatched with a hiss of escaping air. McGee stumbled out, his legs half-numb from cryosleep and his head throbbing like a rotted tooth.

The sight that greeted his eyes was horrifying for a man of his demanding character.

Vican wine jello shoooters. Serving bowls filled with pills of every shape and color. Korrulian whores, laughing and drinking. And naked, drunk space marines everywhere.

It was unbelievable. He'd been asleep for five hundred years, and the space station was still partying like it was 3402.


Opening: Gutterball.....Continuatin: Dr. Hack

Book Update

For those reluctant to order over the Internet, and who have been waiting for the "official" publication of Novel Deviations, you should now be able to phone your local bookstore and have them order it for you. You'll have to wait for them to order from a wholesaler, who'll order from EE. You'll pay full cover price, but no shipping. (Amazon charges $8.00 for the book, but $3.99 shipping; they do give free shipping if you spend enough.) EE prefers you order direct from this site until he makes back his expenses, but fully understands if you prefer not to. If the book is out of your price range, most public libraries have cards you can fill out suggesting books you'd like them to get in.


Unsolicited Endorsements

I received a thank you note from a friend who got NOVEL DEVIATIONS as a gift. She loves it. She has two darling little boys (2 and 4 years old) and never gets time to read much but, she says, ND has just the right length stories to enjoy a few moments relaxation. And it's fun. So thanks again.
J.


I received my copy of "Novel Deviations" today. Thank you very much for organising such a brilliant book. It looks great and the personal touches in the Introduction make it really special. Thank you again for taking the time to do this.
Regards,
Sophia Ahmed(U.K.)


My copies of "Why You Don't Get Published" arrived and it is wonderful. I giggled through dinner and all last night. It's better than sex! Good Job!
Dave

Face-Lift 283

Guess the Plot

Dani's Inferno

1. A new Phoenix nightclub serves up hot food, hot waitresses, and hot action. When the diamonds on the murdered girl in the ladies' room also turn out to be hot, it's up to Detective Dani DeMarco to cool the situation down and clear the club's name.

2. When every house in her neighborhood except her own burns down, Dani Darrell becomes an arson suspect. Can she escape the hot seat while also fanning the flames of her new relationship with the mysterious hunky German, Hans?

3. Thirteen-year-old Dani likes low-slung jeans, designer thongs and the latest boy bands. But when her mother gets a Chadwick's mailorder catalog and decides to burn all of Dani's clothes, a toxic cloud engulfs the neighborhood as Dani learns the meaning of Hell.

4. Not satisfied with the dark and somber colors of the Inferno, nor it's nine circles, Dani redecorates in pastels and adds anterooms complete with kitchens, bars, and novelty items.

5. It's Chili Night at the House of Paco's Taco House and Dani, the new chef, has just got a new shipment of the Red Savina Habanero at 577,000 SHU. Will dinner be a spectacular affair, or will the guests require transplants in the morning?

6. Dante's Inferno retold as a 12,000 line rap epic. Dani Tay is led through the circles of hell by the Notorious V-ir-G. It turns out that Lawrence Welk is at the bottom. Also, some bitches.


Original Version

Dear Agent,

I read on your web site that you are interested in women's fiction. I am hoping you will consider my novel, Dani’s Inferno, for representation. It runs 69,000 words.

Dani Darrell habitually dates the type of men who give women post traumatic stress syndrome. [In fact, her last four dates have been with Mike Tyson, a molten metal Terminator from the future, Evil Editor, and that Jared guy from the Subway commercials.] The day after the Berlin Wall falls, East German Hans Walgesang appears at the PR firm where she works. He brushes aside questions regarding how he managed to get to the U.S. so quickly. His goal is fame, even though he admits to having no talent.

[Hans: I want to be famous.
Dani: That's what we're here for. What do you do?
Hans: Nothing.
Dani: Hmm, that narrows it down to TV game show host, lead singer for a heavy metal band, or serial killer. Wait, any chance you could marry Joan Collins?]

Dani tells herself that this lanky man with scarred knuckles [He spent an entire week trying to claw the Berlin Wall down, only to discover that it was scheduled for demolition the next day. Boy, was he pissed.] and Baptist-preacher-meets-punk-rock hair is most likely a criminal, but being around him ignites something besides her constant anger. And that’s a promising change of pace for a woman who lives in a neighborhood where all of the homes are burning down, except hers. [Thank God she went with brick.] [Her neighborhood is in flames, she's either the next to lose her home or the chief suspect, but whenever she's around this jobless, talentless criminal, things are looking up?] If Hans could flee the communist bloc, maybe Dani can escape an arson investigation, locate her missing father, and bring her secret artistic dream [Which is what?] to roaring life. [There's no connection between these things. If Hans can hop a plane from Germany to America, then I should be able to find my father and escape an arson investigation? It's like saying, If Tiger Woods can win the British Open, then I should be able to open a chain of Italian restaurants and find my missing sock.] She’ll have to break a few laws to get what she wants. [Which is what?] But Hans is the perfect partner, [How can she know this?] even if he hasn’t told her what really brought him to Seattle. [He's searching for the perfect skim hazelnut latte.]

Dani’s Inferno is my first novel. I’ve completed the advanced fiction writing program at XXXX and my essays have appeared in [name of large newspaper]. I look forward to hearing from you. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,


Notes

If this is to make any sense, it needs to explain:

What does Dani want?
Why does she need to break the law to get it?
Why is Hans needed to get it?

Is that how it works with PR firms? You walk in and declare you want fame, and they make it happen?

Which came first, the title, or the burning houses plot? Is this part mystery, with Dani trying to discover who the arsonist is? Do all the houses burn at the same time, or one at a time? If the former, that's a lot of arson for one day's work. If the latter, you'd think after the third or fourth house, the cops would get wise and stake out the neighborhood.

You don't need the first sentence about traumatic stress syndrome. It has little to do with the rest of the letter. You could start: The day after the Berlin Wall falls, East German Hans Walgesang appears at the Seattle PR firm where Dani Darrell works. Or you might consider starting by saying all the houses in her neighborhood have burned down, Dani's a suspect, her dad's missing, things seemingly can't get any worse--until a talentless but hunky German walks into her office. I'd want to know if this is mainly the story of Dani satisfying her artistic aspirations, or of her romance with Hans or of her life behind bars before defining how it should start.

New Beginning 229

Gideon eased the window open. He held his breath as it slid quietly. He managed to swing one leg into the room when the light flicked on. He blinked quickly to adjust his sight. He stared at his mother, unable to move.

"Mom. I, I thought you were working tonight."

"Gideon, get inside. Now." Even when she was angry her voice was rich and deep. His friends always teased him, saying she should work for a 900 number. Tonight it shook with emotion. He was busted and she was pissed.

"Uh, mom. I can explain, Jerry needed my help with something."

"I'm sure he did. That boy can't tie his own shoes or learn how to use a belt. I am very, very upset with you. What were you thinking?" She didn't wait for his response before continuing. "You know I do not want you out alone at night. When Daniel called to say you were gone I rushed home."

Daniel? Must be one of those damn motel owners. So that's who tipped her off. He could try blaming it all on Jerry, but it wasn't Jerry's fault. After all, Gideon was the one who'd put his name on every one of them.

"Son, I know you mean well," his mother said, "but you have to stop leaving Bibles everywhere."


Opening: Rashenbo.....Continuation: E.S. Tesla

Face-Lift 282

Guess the Plot

Tarina's Lady

1. Jim Luck is trying life out as a girl, desperate to improve his circumstances. He's got a huge wig, a fabulous outfit and a blind date -- with Ike Tarina. Little does Jim know, Mr. T is a notorious drug dealer looking forward to a night of crime.

2. During the French revolution Count Tarina hid his family treasure under a Parisian mansion. The family was killed by a mob, but the treasure was never found. Centuries later a ghostly countess urges Tiny Jim to excavate the cellar. Will he find gold and jewels? Or will the undermined house collapse in a sinkhole, killing the tragic figures who dwell within?

3. Jewel thief Bud Winkerstein and cat burglar Stella Deluxe join forces to relieve a ruthless billionaire of the painting Tarina's Lady, but plans change when they discover a gallery full of stolen masterpieces in the billionaire's basement -- masterpieces which hold encoded secrets that spell d-o-o-m for an unbearable cooking show hostess.

4. The cruel Lord of Tarina Manor dies of Plague. His oppressed wife takes over and manages the estate very well -- simultaneously inventing the pop-over, increasing chicken and barley production, decoding the secrets of strange relics from an ancient barrow, and carrying on torrid affairs with numerous well-endowed neighboring royals.

5. After Jasper the Jubilant gets thrown out of his home, his ex-lover, Madi, lets him move in with her. Out of gratitude, Jasper the Jubilant writes a song to honor Madi, titled "Tarina's Lady." Will Madi be impressed? Will she want to rekindle their romance? And what about the children?

6. The tiny Italian mountain town of Tarina was bombed to splinters in World War II, but the town's statue of the Virgin Mary survived without a scratch. Now a descendant of the statue's sculptor wants to know who stole her so he can retrieve the ancient fortune hidden inside.


Original Version

Dear Agent,

Tarina’s Lady is set in a world where magic is commonplace, and offers its own challenges to the inhabitants. Jasper the Jubilant senses his brother’s impending death but is helpless to prevent it. [For his brother is named Irving the Incurable.] A penniless bachelor, Jas defies tradition in order to raise his brother’s orphans himself. When his landlady throws them out, Jas has no one to turn to except his former lover Madi [the Magnanimous]. Jasper has his doubts about the wisdom of moving in with Madi, but the security of the children is more important than any risk to his heart.

A corporal in the city guard, Madi prides herself on being as tough and ruthless as her job requires, but she can’t resist playing the gallant knight to Jasper’s damsel in distress. She welcomes Jasper and his niece and nephew into her home, expecting them to be nothing more than a temporary nuisance. [Don't you just hate it when you invite your ex-boyfriend to move into your house, and he never leaves?] Then her feline familiar spots a corpse floating in the river. Madi performs a ritual on the body and discovers that the death was no accident. Shaken by what she has seen, [She prides herself on being tough and ruthless, but she's shaken at the discovery that a body floating in the river is murder?] Madi returns home and finds unexpected comfort in Jasper’s arms -- a comfort that is shattered when Jasper’s sister Ingrid [the Ignominious] catches them together and demands the return of the children. [Return of the children . . . to her? When did she ever have them? They can't be the children of Jasper's brother and sister. Unless . . . Ewwww.] Outraged by Ingrid’s behavior, Madi vows to help Jas keep the children.

For his part, Jas refuses to surrender his niece and nephew to his unfeeling sister, but the case against his guardianship claim grows stronger by the day. In a desperate bid to strengthen his claim, Madi proposes marriage, [She dumped this guy a year ago because he was a penniless mooch. Now he's a penniless mooch with two kids in tow, and she's willing to marry him? Basically to irritate his sister?] and Jasper has to decide just how far he will go to keep the children with him. Can he really trap the woman he loves into a marriage of convenience? [Hey, that was her idea.] Or worse yet, condemn his bereaved niece and nephew into the hands of a woman who cares more for the dead than the living? [I assume you mean Ingrid, but it's not clear what you mean by she cares for the dead.]

A fantasy novel with a strong romantic plot line, Tarina’s Lady is complete at 92,000 words. I am currently working on another novel set in the same universe. [Thanks for narrowing down the setting of your next book to only one universe. Could you go a little farther and reveal whether it's set in the same galaxy as this book?] Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

[note on the title: Tarina is the name of the patron goddess of female warriors, and "Tarina's Lady" is the name of a song Jas writes about Madi.]


Notes

If the corpse in the river is a vital plot point, tell us more about it. Who is it, and what does it have to do with these characters? If it isn't, drop it from the query, because right now it's creating more questions than it's answering.

I'd like more about the ramifications of magic being commonplace. Madi has a familiar and performs a ritual. Who else has magical powers? Everyone? Ingrid? If the Jas-Madi relationship (Jas-Madi? Isn't that a brand of rice?) is the main plot thread, how is it, specifically, affected by magic?

What's Ingrid's motivation? Is she better able to support the kids? Does she have a long-standing feud with Jas? Jas being penniless, you might make it clear why the kids are better off with him. There are hints that Ingrid is an ogre, but why not spell it out?

Is Jas pronounced Jass or Jazz? And what's he got to be so jubilant about?

New Beginning 228

“There’s a parachute in that locker,” Sam yelled. Anti-artillery bullets shattered the cockpit, ricocheted inside the old plane. I buckled my parachute.

“They’ll shoot you down. We have to reach the escarpment. There are caves there that can provide shelter.” Engine #4 burst into flame. Airspeed dropped. The plane shook. Tried to fly. Falling. Glenn throttled down #4.

“Grab the stick and help me pull it up. We need to gain altitude.” I jumped into the copilot’s seat and yanked the stick. Ground rose faster than the plane climbed. Glen bent the throttle levers back. The engines screamed in death agonies, climbing once more. An updraft lifted the plane. It clipped trees. Killed birds. The escarpment came into view.

“Jump now.” Sam yelled, bracing the stick. Engine bearings shrieked as metal scored metal. Engine #1 seized, ripped apart. We jumped. We watched. Half-wingless, the plane spiraled downward. A final descent. A fiery end.

Too late I realized that if the plane was clipping treetops and killing birds, it sure as hell wasn't high enough for our chutes to open.

So within moments we were impaled on sheared tips of trees. Then we grabbed our sticks again, if you know what I mean, because hey, when you're impaled on treetops in the middle of nowhere, you might as well yank the stick.


Opening: Anonymous.....Continuation: Dr. Hack

New Beginning 227

When someone's shooting at you, run in a zigzag.

When you're chubby and prone to hysteria, try not to get shot at in the first place.

Chubbiness and hysteria, along with lung-lancing Chicago cold and sneaker soles worn to tractionlessness, worked against Lacie as she willed herself through the parking lot. Her foot shot out from under her; despite the fact she'd been running head down, eyes-on-the-ground, Lacie had failed to notice an inconveniently-placed patch of ice.

Her ass hit the ground, hard. Knocked breathless, Lacie thought of nothing. Seconds later, as she scrambled to get back on her feet, Lacie thought two things: my coccyx is bruised, and why haven't I been shot?

Afraid to lift her head out of a childish conviction that to look for the bad guy was to see him, and to see him was to die, Lacie concentrated on slowing and steadying her breathing so she could hear.

What she heard was, “Did you get ’em?”

Lacie shrieked. She spun around to look right into the face of a heavy-set blonde. “Jeez, Chrissy,” she said, panting. “You scared the heck out of me.”

“Did you get ’em?”

“Here.” Lacie showed her the box. “We split ’em 50/50, just like we agreed. Right?”

A cacophony of screaming engines and sirens accompanied by strobing blue, red and white lights, interrupted them. Lacie started to hyperventilate. “Ohmigod, ohmigod, ohmigod . . . ” The two women were now looking down the barrels of a dozen regulation issue revolvers held by a dozen super-pissed members of Chicago’s finest.

“Jesus, Lacie, what did you do?”

Lacie glanced back at the store. “I--I took the last dozen sugar-frosted double jelly supremes.”


Opening: CLD.....Continuation: Anonymous

Face-Lift 281

Guess the Plot

The Opposite of Bob

1. Bob is a pimply, poor-mouthed nerd, but when Satan comes calling, Bob sells his soul in order to become his opposite in every way. When his silver-tongued opposite brings the world to the brink of destruction, can Bob overcome laws of physics to save humanity . . . and the only girl who liked him as a nerd?

2. Everything goes wrong for Bob, from getting crapped on by geese to getting attacked by a rickshaw driver to losing his pants. Ultimately Bob decides he must take control of his life or he will never find happiness. So he packs up his belongings and moves to Cleveland.

3. Bob Smith vows to change everything. Not just a little, but a lot: do the opposite. He changes his name to Varthurthra, gets a new religion, starts recycling, sells the house and divorces Nancy, moves onto a sailboat with two parrots, Ted and Todd, and embarks for the Falkland Islands.

4. For the last three months, whoever sat across from Bob Starking at the Senior Center's weekly Pinochle Night died within a week of natural causes. When Charlotte is scheduled to be the next one to sit opposite "The Card-game Kevorkian," can she find a way to change Bob's luck?

5. Wendy goes to work as usual on Monday morning but where is her boss, Bob White Cloud? He had a little accident in the top secret anti-matter booth in the basement. Can she bring him back? Or is it more like time to take over the world?

6. The deranged Dr. Stippleton has created a lurching anti-Bob spy robot to replace Bob, the lowlife scumbag who stole the heart of show-stopping dancer Teresa Underworld. The mad doctor stands poised in the alley, ready to make the switch. But Secret Agent Ted Rugovich watches with binoculars, mafia hit man Bruno Villi waits around the corner, and Teresa removes her stage makeup, wondering if it's time to reveal she's really -- a vampire.


Original Version

Dear Mr. Agent,

Does God play favorites? Are some people blessed and others magnets for misfortune?

The main character in my comic noir novel, Bob, believes so. The Opposite of Bob takes the down-on-his-luck accountant on a roller coaster ride of mishaps, adventure, self-discovery, and love. In the end, Bob escapes his past and embraces a bright future.

I chose to query you because in an interview with The Writer you said, “The one thing that gets me every time is a great black comedy… I’ll read anything involving a road trip.” And, as it happens, my comic noir novel [now] involves the main character making two epic journeys to find what he has lost: himself.

I believe my novel will appeal to fans of Garrison Keillor and Richard Russo. Although I wrote this novel to entertain readers, I believe it also conveys a message of hope. If Bob can overcome his problems, anyone can. [Anything a fictional character can do, any real person can do too.]

I have traveled throughout Europe, the Middle East, and India. [If the book is set in these places, say so.] I am passionate about ethnic cuisine and music. I speak five languages and have a Master’s degree in English. I am currently teaching English at the United Arab Emirates University in Al Ain, the U.A.E.

Thank you for your time and consideration. Please find my novel’s synopsis and sample chapter below. May I send you The Opposite of Bob?

Sincerely,


The Opposite of Bob

Comic Noir Novel of 95,000 words

Middle-aged man encounters surreal mishaps until he stops blaming others for his troubles and takes control of his life.

Bob Seidenbusch still puts flowers by his ex-wife Caroline’s photo on her birthday, though she left him fifteen years ago to find herself in India. [Going to India to try to find someone--even yourself--can take at least fifteen years. The place is crawling with people. It would be like going to a convention of gay black interior decorators and searching for a Republican.] He hasn’t been on a date since Clinton was in office. The tiny house he lives in is a cave, his car is a rust-bucket, and he is balding and twenty-pounds overweight. [A list within a list. Impressive. But can you do a list within a list within a list?] He has not been promoted in eighteen years. The highpoint of his week is the meatloaf special at a local greasy spoon and the chance to talk to waitress/classical pianist, Mercury Jones. His family, his best friend, Smitty, and Lamentation, the grey cat he feeds, are all disappointed with him. Bob wonders if God is out to get him; even his petitions to the Almighty are answered with form letters.

[Dear Petitioner:

The Divine Creator regrets that the volume of correspondence He receives leaves Him unable to respond individually to all inquiries. Hey, I'm just three people, I can't be everywhere at once. Know ye that we readeth all supplications and implorations and consider them carefully.

Best,
God]

In the worst twenty-four hours of his life, Bob is passed over for promotion again, his dumpster explodes showering him with liquid refuse, and a flock of Southbound geese rain feces upon him. Fed up, he escapes to his father’s cabin only to find it has burned down. In the next three days, his luck goes from bad to cataclysmic: [So that was only the worst twenty-four hours of his life so far.] he is shot by deer hunters, his car dies, he is drugged by weirdoes, he is assaulted by a minister, he is involved in a car accident, he is stranded at a bus station, and he catches a ride with a cursed trucker who crashes into a herd of deer. [We get it, we get it. He's going through a rough period. No need to list every little thing. I mean, who hasn't had a car die on them, or been assaulted by a minister?] [The next day Bob's life goes from cataclysmic to catastrophic as he loses his remote control, gets a paper cut, spills mustard on his favorite t-shirt, gets stuck in traffic, and plunges off a cliff to his death.]

Happy to be alive and resolved to better his life, Bob returns to Minneapolis. [Not a good start.] Things look up, when he, with prodding from Smitty, asks Mercury out. Just as their relationship blossoms, she receives a job offer in Cleveland and Caroline contacts him for the first time in ten years. Torn between the two women, he decides to travel to India and see Caroline, costing him his job and jeopardizing his romance with Mercury. [Jeopardizing? If you ditch your sweetie to visit your ex-wife whom you haven't seen in fifteen years, in India, it's over. Believe me, it's over.]

Bob’s weeklong journey to the Subcontinent is disastrous. The airline loses his luggage and denies his existence. He meets Sundeep: driver, tour guide, legal and cultural advisor, and friend. With his help and lots of cash, Bob sees many of India’s tarnished wonders and survives being arrested for killing a prostitute, [You're allowed to kill prostitutes in India. It's expected.] catching Delhi Belly, losing his pants in a crowded bazaar, and being attacked by an auto-rickshaw driver with a cricket bat. His rendezvous with Caroline never materializes. After a mental “falldown,” he consults an enlightened Swami who tells him, “It’s all your fault.” He leaves India angry, tired, broke, and confused. [An entire list of layered lists. We have the overall list of Subcontinent disasters, which includes lost luggage, failure to meet Caroline, Swami's incisive analysis. Layered in there we have the list of Sundeep's roles. Presumably it's Sundeep's role of tour guide that leads to the list of amusing incidents (loss of pants, Delhi Belly, rickshaw, murder of prostitute), and we close with a list describing Bob's situation upon leaving India.]

In a final twist, Bob runs into Caroline in the Dubai International Airport to discover that she wants him back. [They say if you hang around the Dubai airport long enough, you'll eventually see someone you know. Though not necessarily your ex-wife.] But, he no longer wants her. After mumbling a half-hearted promise to keep in touch, he boards the plane that leads him back to where his journey began. When he arrives home, Bob has to choose between a promotion from his former employer and an uncertain future in Cleveland with Mercury. He chooses Mercury, [but thanks to a clerical error, he ends up on the planet Mercury; Bob just can't get a break.] packs up his cat and belongings, and drives off to meet his destiny.


Notes

Obviously you missed the post where we declared one list per query, three items per list. You want to give the impression that the book is funny, so list the geese, the dumpster, and the rickshaw driver. Then get to the important stuff. If you wanted to give the impression it was tragic, you could list the meat loaf, the prostitute, and missing the Caroline connection. Then get to the important stuff. The agent is being exposed to your writing for the first time. She would rather see your ability to elaborate on two or three important ideas than to list twenty-five tangential events.

The query could easily give the impression the book is a series of unfortunate events, with little in the way of character development.

So the "two epic journeys" Bob takes to find himself are to India and Cleveland?

Not sure I'd call his experiences a roller coaster ride, unless I'm going to discuss its ups and downs. Also, not sure about the term "comic noir." Though you seem to mean it as a translation of black comedy, my research of the term (which consists entirely of Google) brings up graphic novels of dark detective stories.

This is probably going to remind people of the Seinfeld's in which George does the opposite of everything, in which Kramer burns down George's fiancee's father's cabin, in which they all go to India, in which Kramer starts a rickshaw business, in which Jerry gets away with murdering a prostitute.

The cover letter was of little value. I'd dump most of it and condense the synopsis into something that'll fit on one page.

New Beginning 226

They came down their Parisian house’s stone steps and opened the massive front door to a night unseasonably humid and warm, the ground still wet from a freak rainstorm.

Johnny dressed like a Frenchman these days, Annie noticed, the cut of his sports coat flashier than anything he would have worn in the States. As usual, the good and the bad overflowed from her Chantal Thomas velvet dress in a very un-French manner. They walked in silence on rue Nicolo, under the old fashion street lamps. She buried her hand in Johnny’s but he let go of it after only a minute. “You drive,” he said, stopping in front of her filthy minivan. “You hold your liquor better than I do.”

She eyed the Maserati Grand Sport parked across the street. “Let me drive your car,” she almost begged.

Johnny had a small smile. “Woman, are you mad?”

Annie waved longingly at the black Maserati. “One day,” she told the car. She pointed to the corvette, then to her heart. “One day, you and I . . . ”

Corvette? Annie stopped in her tracks and rubbed her eyes. Yes, it was a Corvette; and not a pristine example either. She turned back to Johnny who stared at her with a dumb country grin, standing there with a brown bagged quart of Thunderbird in his fist. Where was her Margaux?

Johnny’s “sports coat” bore an iron-on patch with his name and “When Your Tires Are Tired” in white lettering.

This wasn’t Paris at all, this was Poloxey Mills; “Rue Nicolo” was nothing but the piss-stained alleyway leading to the parking lot behind their tenement building. She felt disoriented and queasy.

“I . . . I don’t feel like going out now,” Annie said, her daydream in pieces.

“What?" Johnny looked at her, incredulous. "I made reservations at the clam house!” He snorted like a horse and shrugged his shoulders, then flipped a cigarette into his mouth and lit it. “Whatever, bitch. Not like you couldn’t stand to miss a feed.” His mouth curved down in contempt, and he blew smoke into her face.

Annie smiled to herself. This was more like it. "Say that again," she said, with a shudder. "In French."


Opening: Anon......Continuation: ril